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Testimony: Hope, the Journey and Mary

Thursday, June 19th was a GREAT day. I was already hyped about hanging with my girlfriend Rashida at the Black Sheep show. Rashida is awesome because she speaks "Rhonda" and we just bug out and do US. Anyway, my great day actually started earlier in the week with Rashida getting her dream car, VW Beetle. She was on the hunt for this car and found it. She asked me to go with her to get the car. Of course, I went so I could share in her happiness. She was HYPED. There it was. Shiny and Pretty. As we started to get into Rashida's new whip, I noticed this Cadillac CTS, my dream car. I'm not really a car person. I'm not into makes and models and what they do. I just care if it runs but I've always loved the look of the CTS.

I walked over and just drooled. The salesperson asked if I was interested in buying a car and I immediately said, "Nah". I had a plan. Pay off the Saturn (paid off 6/19), get another car next year and give the Kid this Saturn. That's the plan. The salesperson suggested that I complete an application and I guess my attitude was sorta like, ok whatever. I really didn't give the car another thought because that wasn't my plan. The following day, I get a call from the dealership. I quickly tell her not I'm interested. Its not a part of my plan, remember. She said, "Hmmm....are you sure?" I asked her what did I get approved for. She said both the Cadillac CTS and the Chrysler 300.

Mouth open. Sucked in all types of air.

Wha?

She said "Yeah, you might wanna come take a look."

Thursday.

I get to the dealership and she quickly takes me to the cars. I sit in the Chrysler and begin to laugh uncontrollably. She just looked at me with a huge smile. I kept saying, "God, are you serious?" The car was tricked out. I knew that wasn't my car though. It was too big but damn, it was beautiful. I moved over to the Cadillac and when I sat in the car, I knew it. This was MY CAR.

Ok, this is how this really is an ol' school, church, fall on the alter, Lawd, thank ya Jesus, testimony. When I was unemployed, my battle was a lack of HOPE. I mean I wouldn't wish for anything to happen. My attitude was that God was in control and whatever he wants is cool. I wouldn't ask for ANYTHING specific. I wouldn't hope for a new pair of shoes especially anything specific. I felt beat down on some level. Lost my gig, two months later mom dies, my brother comes back and more hell, me and the kid legally evicted (even though we never had to move); for some months, no phone, no car, no cable, no computer. Forget about hoping for anything NICE. I just wanted to survive and I was fine with that but God wanted me to find my HOPE in him again. I literally looked up the definition in both the Bible and in the dictionary. I had it all over my apartment. I needed to figure it out. I needed to get there because I was looking for a gig and I needed it. Well, I'm better than I was but I'm still battling this. I'm hopeful only for things I KNOW God has promised like CWUW. You can't tell me that CWUW won't happen and change lives. I know it will and I have HOPE in that. I'm lame right. Whatever. Its the way I survive. So back to the car....

I test drive the Cadillac and I'm in LOVE. I'm driving and I'm talking with God saying, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Remember, I don't tend to care about cars. Makes and models....blah, blah, blah. Does it run? This car was a wish, a hope for one day. But then it gets interesting. We start talking about the Saturn. I asked how much for the Saturn. What's the trade in? He said, "do you want the Saturn?" I thought the dude was buggin'. I'm like, ya'll don't want it? He said, "Do YOU want the Saturn?" I said, yeah, I wanna keep the Saturn.

My mouth dropped open. Wha?

So my plan did happen. Just one year sooner. Even the young woman that was helping me earlier was like, "What? She keeps the Saturn?"

I'm driving the car to work as they complete my paperwork and I started crying. I can't tell you how HARD its been for me and Syd. The stuff we had to endure just to get back on our feet has been a climb. Sydney was just reminding me how we would have to walk to use the phone at the bar down the street or walk to the grocery store. We are proud of ourselves for not giving up. We always knew God would provide and turn it around. We are still being turned around. I wanted to tell the Kid that she would have a car. When I got home, she looked at the Cadillac and was hyped. She said, "Mom, we're making a comeback." When I told her that she would have a car this summer, the smile on her face was so joyful and thankful.

This isn't about bragging about a new car but my journey with God. I always tell people that I know God loves me. The Valley proved it to me that he knows I can take a hit and keep praising him. He knows others would have died, spiritually, under the same pressure. I'm loved BUT I needed to know that God does provide GOOD things for his children. I can continue to be Hopeful. I can know that in time, all things will be new again.

This week has been one of the best in my life. I've been able to successfully close some doors that were hindering my progress. Good deal. Took me a minute to do that because one is a good friend BUT I had to change that friend. I'm becoming more at peace with my body. Its been a good body image week. YAY!!

I live for God. I don't live for Sydney, my job, CWUW or even Rhonda. I still have my battles. Bulimia. Ugh. Getting better. Control issues. Ugh. Getting better. Naughty Rhonda. Well, not a battle. She's controlled but its about who gets to have access to her is the issue. At this point, no one really has the right to her but I've open the door for some to access her. Need to close the door until a deserving person comes along. God is aware it all and loves me anyway. That is so cool, right?

I'm doing good. I'm all smiles.

This is what the whip looks like: "Mary" - yeah, plain but it was good enough for Jesus' momma so....Her name is Mary.



Rashida said something to me I thought was interesting. She said that I'm driving a car that matches the worlds perception of me. That's a blog for another day.

Comments

SugaBuga said…
Thats...I don't know what say lol, I'm really excited for you :-) ok this is the last time I'll say something about me but sometimes you just say things that are the same as what is happening to me lol. I got my first review after only working with kids for 3 months. not only was I graded higher than what I graded myself but I was told by my director that with a little more training I had the skills to be a director myself! don't know if I want that type of responsibility but I was very inspired by it. :-) isn't it something when we dare to be who we really are? lol
Cleva said…
Its been an AWESOME week for me and the kid. She went and got her permit today and was so happy. She gave her Godly praise and just smiled so hard at me.

Congrats on your review!! Sometimes we doubt who we really are because it seems overwhelming, prideful, etc. but God will show up and say, "YOU ARE FLY!!"
:)

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I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.


again.


If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.


I'm free to be.