Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My birthday giveaway









It was a wonderful day.

I'm not going to blog too deeply about it but it was awesome.

The women were wonderful and so thankful.

:)
Sugar
spice
and everything
so very nice
standing as the greatest mountain
beauty and strength
at your very hands
dare if you will to climb and discover
the wonderment
before you
fear sets in

you are not the one

Determination guides passion
Focused and fearless
wrapped in womanhood
divinely purposed
Sensual wiles ever present
sexuality, love, and desire
knows my name
you smile at the thought of the possibility
of the thang
you know, you had the chance
you chose to move on

you are not the one

You follow my world from a distance
you peek in and out just to keep up
regret at times creeps in
What if, What if
Noticing I have moved on
taking part in the next adventure
longing for the journey to fulfill all of the desires
in my heart
Can not live in regret
as you think of the maybes
I think of you with smiles
knowing I was THERE but I walk away

and knowing

you are not the one.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Wishing, hoping and dreaming
all things real
manifestation of all things first starts
with a thought
action but to words
deeds
movement
heaven to earth
one kingdom to another
breathe the essence
of love
unselfish, challenging, fulfilling
life IS what you make it
the world IS a stage

perform.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

"44"






I am happy.

Not just because the President is a Black man but he embodies the mission we have all be charged with, giving.

I was raised by a woman that embodied this same mission. My mother gave to my friends, family, and strangers without question. She would say you give because its RIGHT. No other reason mattered. You do because you CAN.

Our President has charged America to give back and to do what we can to rebuild OUR country. I'm proud of my President. I'm finally proud of my country. We need to recognize that not all of America was celebrating on 1/20/09. There are people who will mistreat one another. There will still be murders and crimes. Drug dealers will still sell drugs. There will be people who will still think Black men are unintelligent and lazy and that all black women sit around and have babies. Evil will still put forth its charged to destroy. We need to pray daily for country and our President. Evil will come after our President. Lincoln - assassinated, JFK and Bobby Kennedy - assassinated, MLK-Malcom x - assassinated. This is the reality of our nation. Evil lurks.

Good can win though. We can promote love daily and do our part.

I'm proud. Our First Family is wonderful. Michelle is a great role model for our girls and even women. Barack loves his wife and black women need to see this PUBLICLY. We need a see a black man love his black wife. Michelle spoke of how the girls love to see them hold hands. She spoke that their children have a sense of security because of this. Powerful.

We celebrate the Obamas. We celebrate the spirit of giving.

Let's go to work.
The fight has ONLY just begun.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Dumbest thing said to me this week......

Talking with a dude and he says to me -

"You have your stuff together. You are a man's fantasy but not a reality"

What the hell does that crap mean? Yeah, I asked him.

He said, "A man wouldn't know what to do with a powerful woman like you who is also so cool and down to earth."

What the hell is this fool talkin' about. Yeah, I asked that too.

He said, "We may say we want a powerful woman but too many men need for a woman to play the background. "

I'm sure his wife is so proud. :/

Pride

Ut oh.

Another word I must learn. I must understand how to apply it to my world and be ok with it.

I'm not talking about the negative side of Pride but the joyous side.

I'm proud of the Kid. She is an awesome young chick. I think I give more credit to HER than to myself even though I'm her mother. No matter what you teach a kid, there's a point where they have to chose to do the right thing and follow the path you've set before them.

This week there was this article in Indy.com. It was very cool to talk with Neal about community involvement and my take on it. We talked ALOT so it was interesting to see what he pulled from the convo. I think for me, it was just about ME so what am I being proud of per se. It wasn't about CWUW, my other community involvements, or even W2W. Just me. :/

A friend said to me, "I'm so proud of you". My response, "why?" LOL. I guess in my twisted head I'm thinking, you know me and there's nothing new revealed, what are you proud of NOW? LOL. I suck. (gigglin') I GET IT but I don't get it at the same time. Its like some twisted humility that's really unnecessary. "Humility before Honor" was my motto, mantra, my lifes slogan. You must always be aware of who you are in relationship to God, his people, creation, etc. The pawn can still take out the King so chill on being prideful.

I'm just confusing the two ways of being prideful. I said I get it! I need to work on false humility too. That's annoying.

The article, it was cool. It was cool that someone thought I was a person that embodied HOPE. Of all things, HOPE. HOW INSANE!! The one thing I had to battle with for personal reasons just a few years back, here it is again. Too funny.

Once again, I've over analyzed the simpliest of things but this is what keeps me sane and on track.

I'm so uninterested in being known for doing anything. I just wanna do work. I'd rather talk about CWUW and women's health. I'd rather talk about HIV prevention for women. I'd rather talking about community activism and service. I'd rather NOT talk about Rhonda L.

So here we go. The article.


the journey continues. I can't wait to look back on this moment five years from now.

I'm sure so much will change. I'm ready for it.

nite

Night falls
Tired mind and soul
I lay to rest
nothing more than a pillow
between me and my dreams
windchimes
late night moments of a teenager
mind racing with ideas, concerns, and future dealings
twist and turns
no one to quiet the wind to prevent the chimes from
singing their song
no one to quiet a restless teen chatting away on the celluar
no one to assist in soothing the concerns, to bounce ideas

i awake.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Flight 1549


If you don't think there is a God, then I don't know what to tell you.

God Bless The Pilots of Flight 1549 and the spirit of service.

For some reason, this has really blessed me.
Some will say the pilots were skilled. Yes.
It was God that put THAT pilot on THAT plane for THAT moment.

The Ferries, the tug boats, people helping people....

There's Hope ya'll!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Be real with me, Be real with you...

The things we do to be in a relationship and even to stay there can be really....saaaaddddd.

I remember trying to be EVERYTHING for my ex-boyfriend. It came naturally but I also compromised a peace of me as well.

Being single for sooooooooooooooooo long, (gigglin'), I've sat and watched the dynamics of various relationships around me. I can see where I made similar mistakes out of insecurity. You take leaps that you wouldn't ordinarily do. You start liking stuff because he/she likes them. You want to be the spark in their eyes. Been there and never going back. I'm all for making my partner happy but Rhon is about the real deal. I can't jump, leap or hop that high anymore and I wouldn't want a man who would expect it.

Be true to you.

This is what I've seen over and over. In the beginning of the relationship, everyone has their list.

I want him to be smart.

I want him to be ambitious.

I want him to be cultured

blah, blah, blah....

So, the potential partner hears this. They want you. They like you ALOT. They aren't as cultured. They really just like being the clerk (not the manager), the janitor (not the supervisor), the nursing assistant (not the nurse). That's all good though. DO YOU! They are smart BUT finds no use for it. They are cool though. When you look at them, you can see potential. There's something that keeps you there, right. Not all bad.

But the potential partner is a little insecure. They remember the list. They don't think you could like them FULLY because of who they are so they fake it. They fake until they make it. They try to fit into the list. Its not authenically who they are but they like you. They suddenly become sorta ambitious. They get into the stuff you're into. You think...ah...well this is awesome. Perfection. There's some disagreements....normal. Coolness.

How long can they stay in character? Man, I've seen folks do it for years. YEARS. They play it.

Sad huh?

Ya'll don't do that. Just rock you. In all of my mess, I'm down for Rhon. I'm not agreeable. (giggle) I'm stubborn. I'm me. I'm all Aquarian. At the same time, I'm a "ride or die" chick. I will have your back 100%. There are things I do believe you team up with partner . My ex was a business man and there were plenty of business ventures that I assisted him with. I'm not talking bout that sorta thing. You should jump on board but you should do it because you believe in the partnership. You shouldn't try to impress so that you think he/she will stay.

Rock you. Love you. Be you.

As much as I beef about my weight, I love me. I'm awesome. You're awesome.

Relationships shouldn't be built on some falsehood.

LOVE YOU.

:)

i'm chipper today!

Real Thang.....I've been lovin' this song because...its all about being real.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Intimidation - Wha?

1. to make timid; fill with fear.


2. to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.


3. to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear: to intimidate a voter into staying away from the polls.


Rhonda L is a nice person. I can be quiet. I observe before I jump in. I don't really believe in reverence unless you're God. When I mean reverence, I mean special treatment because of position. I know this pisses a lot of folks off but whatever. We all are special. Reverence all or none.

Ever since I was young, I've heard that I'm intimidating. Today, I've hit my wall with this. I remember when I was program director for Woman to Woman and my own volunteers would be "scared" to come into my office. I'm being all nice and saying, "Hey, come in, have a seat!" I'd get a quick, "Oh that's ok!". Wha? My assistant would tell me they were "intimidated" by me. My "presence" is overwhelming. Wha? Some people would LOVE this but I think its NUTS and its getting on my nerves. I've found myself being EXTRA nice to make people comfortable with talking with me. I've even seen folks retreat from that even. Wha?

My girlfriend told me that I need to just face it and live with it. Why? I'm an open person. I support folks even when they don't really support me. I believe in people and their passions even when they don't believe in mine so I don't understand this "intimidation". I don't get it. I was told one time it was the way I walk into a room. Wha? I look like a owned it. I was told one time that I look like I'm above the BS. Wha? Let me give some background on my walk. I had 6 aunts, 7 of them Owens women including my mom. 2 of them were 6 ft tall. My mom was 5'9. Amazon babes. I grew fast. I was 5'8" at 10 years old and I walked with my head down. Those 7 women would snap on me any time they saw me walk. I had to go to charm school. I had to walk around the house with a book on my head. My confidence in my walk comes from those 7 women. It has nothing to do with anything else.

Now, we are finding similar things are happening with CWUW. We actually had conversation in our meeting about other folks from different orgs being "intimidated" by CWUW. Wha? I've experienced it and now my volunteers are experiencing it and WE DON'T GET IT!!!! We are so inclusive. We want to be very supportive of other orgs, coalitions, etc. Today, a dear friend and someone very close to CWUW said that she could see how even the most established org would be a little intimidated by CWUW. Wha? She said our web communications are super professional and because we are so inclusive, people don't know what to do that. OH BROTHER!

So what do I do? I'm me. God wants me to have a spirit of excellence about CWUW so I do. Am I suppose to modify who I am and my approach to the org because of others? I've done it alot with myself but I'm not doing it with CWUW. We are FAR from where we need to be. FAR!!!! I think if a person is intimidated by someone, they need to look in the mirror especially if that person is just being themselves. I don't TRY to intimidate anyone. I don't stare folks down because I hate to be stared at. I don't want people to be intimidated by me. I love God's people. Someone told me once that they were intimidated by Jesus, they loved him and hated him at the same time. Some people have that. Wha? This tires my soul. For real. I'm a tough chick but I'm sensitive at the same time. Weird but it is what it is.

Personally, intimidation means fear. I'm not going to be bothered with Fearing anything. I'm human so I have moments but I'm striving to put all of my trust in God and his faith in me to carry this torch. I don't want a living soul to feel intimidated by me or what God has for me because whatever he has for you is just as GREAT! What is for you is for YOU! No need to long for the next mans gold. You have your own.

I think this will continue so I need to learn to deal with it.


I'll come back to edit later....

Addiction

Sacrificing
knowing I could be there
but allowing the Divine
to move as He pleases
and his own time
and space
its the Knowing
that is the drug
its the Knowing
what I could do
that keeps the
the longing flowing
tasting the possibility
on my lips
feening
thirsty
addicted

Manifest Destiny




Generally the term is used in relation to some imperial take over deemed inevitable but I think there are times when it applies to life in general. The journey is set and we determine how hard the journey will be.

I'm trying very hard to take the simplest path to the end but I'm learning that the simplest its always the best and isn't the way God will take you.

My professional life is one track. I put energy into. I work at it DAILY. I believe in the vision. I believe in what God wants from this. I trust my professional destiny.

Personally, well, I'm confused. When it comes to what I should be doing personally, I'm out of it. Its hard for me to separate personal situations from professional. Every person I meet nowadays, I think in terms of what they do and how this meeting can benefit CWUW. Rarely do I think about how it could benefit me. YIKES!! At least, I recognized it so now I need to fix it. I think I've gone through this over the past year. I started out doing well with going out and listening to music and chattin' with friends but CWUW stuff, the kid stuff, new job, etc has taken over.

What is my destiny for my personal life? You know its bad when your ex starts to ask questions. UGH...hated that. I have to admit that my introverted personality can be the culprit at times. Being around people constantly is tiresome. But I'm excited for 2009 and all that it brings for me so there's hope. With the Kids graduation, that brings a lot. The apron strings get cut a little bit. I can relax a little with CWUW. The IRS has the application (they took the fee with the quickness) and I've recruited a team of folks to start planning some events for 2009. There's time for me to concentrate on me and what I want for my personal life.

I'll be 41. I look aight. I'm pretty happy with things.

I need to invest in Rhon in the 09.

Manifest my Destiny.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I'm not ready for my close up

Its official.

My eating disorder is still smacking me in the face. Anytime I see someone with a camera, I'm terrified. I don't want them to take my pic and if they do, I don't want to see it.

I'm TERRIFIED. Today, I had my pic taken by a photographer and all I could think about was, "Wow this is horrible timing." I've gained this 20lbs and feel HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. My stomach started to hurt. I was shaking with a smile. :/

I know. No confidence right? Well, whatever. I'm being real and honest. My stomach was twisted every time he showed me a pic. I kept thinking, "I look awful." I smiled and said, ok...yeah, those are GREAT!

Yes, I'm in the middle of getting back on track with my weight and diet. My back is still an issue but I'm working through it and I know by this summer, I'll be finally at a healthy weight. I KNOW this.

This camera phobia is horrible. Bulimia is horrible.

I know there was a lesson in this. I know God was trying to help me in my healing.

I really think I'm going to resume therapy for my disorder. I really FREAKED out and I'm sure the photographer was clueless. I smiled but man.....I didn't feel attractive AT ALL.

:(

Detox

SUCKS

Mr. Right as defined by everyone

When you're single, the world is your pimp. I mean everyone has an opinion of who you should date or better yet that your singlehood is some sort of mistake and needs to be corrected immediately. Its like they think there's some cosmic force playing some cruel trick.

(sigh)

Now my daughter has joined the club. She now has given her "permission" for mom to get out there and go for it. Wha?

I think I've missed the memo. Its not that I'm NOT looking but I am conservative about SOME things. I'm not a big flirt (believe it or not). But I've been told my conservatism will keep me single. I need to prop up the boobs and hit the clubs. :/ NOPE.

So let's examine the list others have subscribed to Mr. Right:

He's a mover and shaker
Business man, conservatively dressed (are you serious?)
Stedman type (hella naw)
Machismo type (well....)

You see the pattern.

The ulimate man's man is what most suggest Rhonda needs.

Well...ok.

What would my list look like? (lists suck though...really!)

  • The Stedman thing....NO. I don't need a man to play my background but to be very supportive in my career and vision. I do need a man with just as much passion and drive as I do. I want a man to admire me for my work and diligence but I don't want him to be be a fan if that makes any sense.
  • I think the Machismo thing is interesting because I do like a strong, masculine type of personality. In strong, I'm not meaning physically but mentally.
  • Smart. I don't mean the dude that has read a bunch of BS and he now thinks he's brilliant but a man that is intellectually sound. Smart AND Funny....is hella sexy.
  • Unselfish.
  • A man that isn't scared of me. LOL. I can be a force to be reckoned with at times. I can be very fixed on certain things, a little stubborn and seemingly unmovable and yet I really am. I think I'm rarely challenged. So someone who will question me would be a breath of fresh air.
  • Stylish and Fly with a dash of arrogance. I like a man to be a little arrogant sometimes and always confident. He would have his own style and "Way".
  • Spiritual. I'mma leave it there.

Lists are stupid but there you go. There's some of it anyway. I think I'm just waiting for God to do his thing. That's not to say there hasn't been men around. Oh, they are around. Some I would never date and others definitely fit the bill but it wasn't in the cards.

I'm not defined or validated by a relationship and yet I do know the importance of true partnership and teamwork and love within a relationship. Its ok that I'm single.

I think the man that comes along will be a blessed man cuz a sista has a lot to give.

No more pimpin' Rhon....

I'm good.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Perfection....

Would it be so arrogant to say
that I am Perfection?
that's not to say that I am perfect
But I am as the Milky Way
the sun, the moon, the shooting star
I am the open sky
the steaming rain, the tornado and the chilled winters day
I am Perfection
beautified, flowing and real
smarts matched with seductive wiles
libidinal energies touching your soul
I know how to move you with simple words and
parted lips I make you want
me
I am Perfection
independently I stand for more than
going green and the new social trends
Motherhood singularly I stand
still fighting for and believing in Fatherhood
Fists and fros and nappy hair
dark skinned blackness
Revolution is in my soul
I am purposed
I am Perfection

what are you waiting for......

Friday, January 2, 2009

Hope, Patience, Faith, Wisdom.....

When I started really reading the bible, I would only really read scripture on wisdom. In my thinking, if you're wise, this will carry you through. I still do this. Proverbs being the main book of course.

I moved to Faith. I tried to really understand what it was going to take for me to have some Faith. I started reading the Gospels ALOT. The 12 stooges (the disciples) helped me to grow and absorb what Faith really meant.

Hope was my enemy for awhile. I didn't think you could really hope in anything. Faith and Hope are quite different in many respects and I battled with Hope. I think I've blogged about how I wrote down the defintion of hope and studied it, mediated on it and tried it absorb it into my spirit. It was HARD. I got it, finally.

And NOW, its all about Patience.

Waiting.

Now one thing I have learned thus far is that Patience doesn't mean sit around and do nothing. As you move, God moves. So I continue to move and I continue to pray for direction and edification. Its hard though. We live in a fast food society. We want it now. God could careless about how fast we want anything. Its a process. He needs to line it up. He needs to get it ready AND he needs to see if you're ready for it. We think sometimes the delayed success is because of outside forces. Somestimes, its us!

I've heard folks complain about Indy and why folks aren't making it big here. I've heard people complain why they aren't HUGE successes. Maybe YOU can't handle success right now. My ex use to tell me that he thought being super wealthy would kill him. He really made me really think about this. He would say that not everyone can be rich or a celebrity because they aren't ready for what comes with it.


"But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

But when we're ready, God opens the door and everything we want and need will be there.

That's awesome huh? But dang...the waiting can be insane......


What sucks is we we're waiting on the wrong thing...lol. The wrong job, the wrong relationship, the wrong opportunity to come along.....Ive see this too. I've always believe this is a type of forcing of God's will. We think if we're patient in certain situations that God will make it work for us when he is waiting on US to leave. This is when fasting and praying has to kick it. All that glitters ain't gold. We have to ask, "Is this the job?" Is this where you want me to be for now? Then let patience has her perfect work.

I'm working through this right now....Patience. We'll see how it goes.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

it feels goooooddddd

Happy New Year!!

I'm feeling REALLY good.

I'm hoping you all have a great 2009. YOU have to make it happen.

You are responsible for what you sow. Remember what you sow, you will harvest so plant good seeds.


Bring on 2009....