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Showing posts from June, 2008

Center of Wellness for Urban Women....CWUW

CWUW is my love, my other kid that takes up most of my time outside of mommyhood. This weekend as I worked on some program stuff, I was really rejuvenated. We've had some changes in the board that sort of through me off for a second but change is good.

We're working on a research project that I'm excited about. I just hate going throught the IRB process. Its so slow or its just IUPUI.

I'm starting to see how God is working this out. As I go through my own journey in dealing with my health (bulimia), CWUW progresses. As I move to live a more centered life, CWUW grows. I'll never want to go through what I did with Woman to Woman. I was so connected to the program that I couldn't separate myself from the program. I WAS W2W and when stuff started to crumble, I couldn't separate me from what was occurring (blessings to a fabulous co-worker who helped me through).

I'm so thankful for W2W though. I LOVED what we were able to accomplish in HIV and with wo…

Principles of Spiritual Activism

Principles of Spiritual Activism The following principles emerged from several years' work with social change leaders in Satyana's Leading with Spirit program. We offer these not as definitive truths, but rather as key learnings and guidelines that, taken together, comprise a useful framework for "spiritual activism."1. Transformation of motivation from anger/fear/despair to compassion/love/purpose. This is a vital challenge for today's social change movement. This is not to deny the noble emotion of appropriate anger or outrage in the face of social injustice. Rather, this entails a crucial shift from fighting against evil to working for love, and the long-term results are very different, even if the outer activities appear virtually identical. Action follows Being, as the Sufi saying goes. Thus "a positive future cannot emerge from the mind of anger and despair" (Dalai Lama).2. Non-attachment to outcome. This is difficult to put into practice, yet to …

Eyes Wide Shut

May 19, 2008 - Monday
Lost in the rhythm of my heartForest for the trees, i can't not seeBlind daily by thoughts and misunderstandingsTwists and turns and mistakes and misgivingsThe drumbeat of my heart continuesto deafen the melodic soundsmy ears should be hearingdisillusioned in my passionsI can recognizethe rabbit holeAlice in her wondermentconfused by pandora's boxFairy tales without the happyendingClose my eyes to see fantasiesand rainbowsand pleasureand loverefusing to openrefusing realityrefusingme

Trippy

December 5, 2007
Psychedelic waves bouncing through my headblues and reds form mystical visionsof things unsaidfeeling trippyfeeling finefeeling goodall the timepeace my brothaeverything is swelltree huggin' foolssecrets they do tellbe good to the animalsPeta will not have a sayahhhhhhhhh the sunriseits time to playrunning through the fieldsrainbows and ribbonsdance through my mindfeelin' trippyfeelin' goodfeelin' finemy mind is seeks notaltering vibesweed, mushroomstake away my good timecome join my journeybe a part of my paradethis good feelin' leads to an orgasmictirade. feelin' trippyfeelin finehypnotic, psychedelicjoy ride
March 15, 2008 - Saturday
transparent
seeing through my
bullshit
my rhetoric
me trying to be slick
me trying to hide
what I feel about
me
about
you
about
him

ya let me know
my words speak
magnified
but do you know
when I speak
when its about
me
about
you
about
him

confused

you
truly
be
working through my
transparency

my crush
him
my rock
you
and
I
am
clear.

Art by Kortez

I've always surrounded myself with artsy people.
I like their vibes but damn, ya'll some moody, temperamental creatures.
I say that with love...lol.


My very, very dear friend is an artist and DJ in New Jersey
and he breaks the mold. He is so cool and focused.

Kortez isn't full of angst and he's on his grind with his art
and music and the struggle to make it happen.
He is very peaceful. I LOVE talking with him.

On a visit, I watched him paint and it was AMAZING.




He painted three items for me. The collage (above) was painted in honor of my Mom. He used her birth certificate, pics and other items to make this collage. Its a great way to honor her.





The other painting was inspired by some art he had already painted.
Kortez' art is cool because he uses things like doors, frames, wood paneling, etc to create his beautiful work.


When this finally came in the mail, I lost it.
He actually painted while ago when I was there but it took a minute for him to get it to me.

I've poste…

Blogs, poems and such....

Just repostin' some stuff from my Myspace blog over the past couple of years.

I'm not THAT moved by stuff lately...(gigglin')..ok...yeah maybe. Thanks for the many messages ya'll.

So many folks send me private notes and emails to my blogs. I'm blessed for the encouragement, the support and the sharing of your stories as well. Its a blessing to be able to share ME with the world without fear of criticism. Not bothered with another person's opinion of me, my life and journey. Its all about God and me. Through my past work in the community, I know that giving a little of yourself can be such a blessing. I wish I could share some of the touching messages I get. Awesome.

My writings can be about a number of people and situations or very much my own personal experiences. Ya neva know.

I'm happy to encourage others to Journal. You don't have to be as public as I am but journaling can be a powerful tool.

I'm thankful to friends who have allowed me to s…

I am.....

I am.....Charged with providing love to
the disenfranchised
hugs to the lonely
Walking through the doors of
the crack house to help
a mother change her life

I am evil


Kisses to the person
living with HIV who has forgotten
the touch of another
Let me sit with you
so your pimp doesn't
beat you again
again
again

I am offensive


Let me lose mother, job, home
car, phone, and family
and still praise the Most High
for loving me
Let family turn away
and brother
abuse is sister


I am faithless


My little sisters, black, white
and Asian
Come under my wings as I teach you my
wisdom, my love for God's people.
Sit with me daily and I will share
and love you as I do my own
I embrace all who you will become



I am racist

Dissatisfaction

I'm so affected by my friends and just my surroundings. Its the introvert in me. I listen. I analyze and over analyze too. The running theme this week was dissatisfaction with various aspects of life, from jobs, to friendships, relationships, politics, etc. I think I've talked with someone about each these things this week; most of the time just listening.

Why do we get dissatisfied? To me, its no more than a push to move and do something. Piss or get off the pot. Do something. Move. Make a decision. But so many, including myself at times, do nothing. Nothing makes it worse, really. What REALLY happens is that we become fearful? We know we are dissatisfied but trying to make a decision to move to action is just overwhelming, scary so we just stay in dissatisfaction.

So many are dissatisfied with our schools but do nothing. Some are dissatisfied with their jobs (mirror, mirror on the wall) and do nothing (doin' something though). I've dealt with dissatisfaction…

Oh My

Oh my Oh my
the thickness of my thighs
imagining my lips dripping with
well
Oh my Oh my
its not all physical you see
strength, insight and drive
becomes all of me
Oh my Oh my
confused you are
this is nothing new
I'm a door, a possibility
for you to walk through
Oh my Oh my
perfect combination
Love and Lust
allowing your spirit
to break free
when its all said and done
I'm just being me
Oh my Oh my
no responsibility do I take
for what your mind whispersof me
in your late night quake
Oh my Oh my
what do you do
nothing is seems
just do you
and I'll be
authentically me

God Bless the Freaks

God Bless the Freaks.....(ODE to Dex) Ring!!yes, this is me.....who you beYou wanna what? yeah.....uh....yeah...ok...well....where do you wanna do that?yeah..i'm down....11pm...ok (hmmmm......that dress....nothing underneath....)Doorbell.......ringgggggggggHey U...its me.....ahhhhhhhhhh.....got the music playing.....prince.....how cuteC'mere....touch me....yeah.....there.....let me...lick you....mmmmm...thereyes....condoms.......let me.....yeah.....i have some skills.....Look..no hands....hahaha.....Lustful desires, Locs interwined.......choke me.....pull my hair......wheeeww lawd...yes..........sweat from your brow...onto my chest.....ahhhhhhhhhh yes....Well......thanks......uh....yeah....just call me in the morning.......ok...oh...I'll make it home aight......mwahhhh.....Ringgggggggggggg.....damn who is thisOh...yeah .....hey U....what am I doin'....well....uh....driving home...where are you......u wanna mee…

Simply in Love

August 17, 2007 - Friday
Simply in love with the essence of youI'm consumed with the possibilities of forever and the certainties of todayHeated passions, common ground are shared without strife, moving us into another level, another vibe, another thingNameless it remains as we find peace in this nameless connectionSimply in love with the way it is, the way its done and the way .....the way....the wayTouches unlock hidden secrets, confessions are made about pasts loves and hurts and leading us to lay down, lay down those things that hinder us from feeling thisSimply in love a with friendship that defies reason, space and timejust simply in love and its ok.....simply in love with you
nobody knows
that which time must confess
all of lifes trials
born across your chest

your strength is like freedom
designed to set me free
speakin words of wisdom
speakin Rhonda Rhonda b

b it baby maybe always
that we preserve the memory
these words the pearls of truth
uttered so freely by decree

you I can tell are beauty sideways
sound barrier honey honesty
you gave me shelter from the swelter
the one n only Rhonda b

b it never should I recover
it wont matter no not to me
cause I am now a better body
better for knowin Rhondab
Written for me by Shausler of the Org after we spoke following the death of his mother last year.
Love ya Shausler!!

Simplicity of Love

July 29, 2007 - Sunday

How simple is it to love....ah no....ah yes..ha ha ha maybeHow simple is it to express it.....ah yes..ah no...ha ha ha maybeMy eyes tell you, my words move you, ah the simplicity of love when you know it, feel it and damn it, exist in itHow simple is it to live in it ....ah maybe....ah no...ha ha ha yeshearts beating, hearts beating, hearts beating....in time....in motion....eyes fixed and bodies in harmony....are we one? My soul connects so deeply and yet I am me and you are you, and we are we...How simple is it to realize that you've found the one, thinks like you, vibes with you, supports all that you are and all that you desire to be....ah no.....ah yes......ha ha ha maybeLove me, love me love me....ah yes....ah...yes.....no more no....no more maybe. there you be. there you.....be....there.....you be. Come to me. How simple is it to realize that my eyes no longer need to wander? How simple is it to realize that I need not take anymore offers?
No than…

Moth to a Flame

August 20, 2007 - Monday Fire and passion blaze through into my veins, burning sensation rushes intensity, desire to love me, desire to need melonging for all that you've offered so freely to my spiritfear sets in to remind me of a past thing, a thing that had me confusedhad me lost, had me wandering, looking for the love promised to meCan a heart be too open, too willing to love as if a noose is slowly being draped so eloquently around my neck.....The provision of my heart can't be passed out so freely.....I must guard my heart to guard my peace...peace of mind and my soulThe warmth of your soul keeps me drawn unto your flame....but impatient words burns at every touch. let me be. let you be. Let me desire something deeper than an online fantasy with twisted words. You shun friendship as if its the greater evil but its the greatest gift I can offer you....I release you to find the frantic love you seek....as I look for deeper meaning...in stability…

Wake Up

Wake up Wake up
with all lucidity
it is still possible
to think as if
insanity has set in
Wake up Wake up
No dumber than he or she is me
it is all so transparent
close my eyes
blinded in my imagination
reality once my friend
my enemy it seems
by my own selection
Wake up Wake
my journey continues
with the brightness of midday
sky
pretending nothing anymore
guided by the Power of Yeshua
moved my the Spirit of Wisdom
Wake Up Wake Up
Awaken I've always been
and now I rise
returning no more to foolish
ways
My worth as precious
as any costly stone
recognizing only a few
can pay such a fee
to love, respect and be with me
Awoke.

June 28, 2008

My Little Sister Rashida.....

Back in 1998 when I was the Program Director for a HIV prevention program called Woman to Woman, I needed another assistant. The program was growing so I began a search. A co-worker spoke with a friend about her daughter needing a gig. I told him to have her call me. Understand, nonprofits can be lazy in their hiring practices. It costs too much to advertise so, its about the hook up. So, she called. You could see her smile through the phone. She was hyped. She had no idea what was in store for her with W2W...lol.

She shows up with braces, long ass hair, almost to her booty and this GRIN. This was Rashida, at 19. I was 29 at the time. Rashida was willing to do whatever we asked and she did it with a smile. She loved working in HIV (she'd probably say something differently now) and she LOVED our participants. I remember giving her two projects: 1) develop our outreach packets, 2) learn how to put a condom on with your mouth. LOL..... I think the latter was our bonding moment. I mad…

Pimp Game

Written September 30, 2007 - Sunday

Confident in my looks, my charm, my
thang...you know....that thang
Seeking out more words to filll the
void that says I need you to love me
so I play games and send notes,
tidbits to move you
Charming muthafucka that I am, I
touch your inner being
caressing your soul, drawning you
unto me

Let me look at you, hold your hand
Let me kiss your lips as if I'm lost
inside of you
Let me say these three words, "I Love you!" with meaning and deepth
Let the secret be kept
that its all
bullshit

You see, I need you to need me
I need you to see me, desire me, long for me
I will chase you until I know
that you can see no other
but me
me
only me

Once you say, "I need you"
in my twisted way, I pretend to be
confused
You need me?
oh see, we are just...friends.
We are just buddies.
I don't want you.
Give me your body. Give me your time.
Give me. Give me. Give me.
Let me take the essence of your spirit
Let me manipulate and twist the secrets you've shared
Le…

Uncle Mark.."FA"

Uncle Mark; Check the "GREEN CUP", Mom's Coca Cola cup. It went EVERYWHERE she went.

Dad and Uncle Mark back in the day...."Fa's" shirt was very Princely, huh?

Uncle Mark with his son, Mark at Christmas



This has been a week of a lot of reflection. It'll be a heavy bloggin' weekend probably but whatever.

I was thinking about my uncle Mark this week. He was on my mind alot mainly because he's grandson is going to be a father. My cousin is 18 and has dropped out of high school. I'm sure my uncle isn't too happy with that situation. My uncle passed away in 2005, a year after mom. He was also my mother's best friend so his death was very hard for me as my mom's death was very hard for him. My uncle pulled me aside after mom's death and apologized to me for not calling me and talking with me very much. He said I reminded him of her too much. That was so hard for me. My uncle was the family member I could vent to about mom. …

blah....

Deep thoughts of all that I can be
and maybe even who I am
Overtaken at times with
moving at a steady pace
being controlled by
this demonic force
pulling me into
my own demise
Wake up to a new day
deep thoughts
move to deep
meditations
tapping into the Divine
and allowing my spirit
to be lifted
Mom, can u see?
I'm well
The kid is fine
Yeah, I know, everything will be alright.

The Grind.....

Got busy again....good thing I guess.

Work is really WORK. I have no love for writing grants. Its 100% about developing a skill set. I've really had enough but I have to be strategic about my next move. Time for me to get back into executive status and run some shit. I miss being involved in the community, working with clients and seeing the outcome of my work. MISS IT!! I'm ready to go higher.

Me and the kid have started to look for scholarships. YAY for her focus this summer because I was worried and getting pissy. She has a gig, her permit and is back playing basketball. She's getting the focus back. No slacking. If I'm grinding, then she has to as well. We have a college visit next month at Ball State and we need to schedule a couple more. Need to also get her into a SAT prep course. I need an assistant. The kid is ready for her next step. Exciting!!

CWUW. I've had major changes in my board which is cool but frustrating. I have to spend this w…

Being Rhonda

(Trying to get in the mood to work.....)Today I was talking with someone about being yourself. I think that was easier for folks from my generation (generation x'ers) because it was all about being different. Prince, Boy George, Madonna, etc all trying to establish their own thing. Nowadays, its about looking JUST like the next. But anyway. As a kid, I remember just wanting to be ME. I literally shopped in my parents closet, painted my 4 inch fingernails black, shaved my head or weaved it up....whatever I wanted. I struggled with people who thought I was shy as a teen. I wasn't shy. I was actually goofy but just not around family as much. Family has a way of putting you into a box and its just easier to be there at times. I was developing a self-confidence that sometimes you couldn't easily see. Nonetheless, I was Rhonda. I just did me whatever that meant for the moment. Then I met my ex boyfriend. He was going through some stuff so that meant the world ha…

Children and Education

I was watching the HBO documentary, "Hard Times at Douglass High" on Monday evening and it truly upset me on so many different levels. As someone who very community minded and believes we are to help one another to achieve our goals, I couldn't believe the lack of resources in the Baltimore school system. Children shouldn't have to share books or wonder if there will be a teacher present on any give day. The "No child left behind" policy doesn't more than leave children behind. Nothing wrong in having standards for schools especially for teachers but solely using quantitative data just doesn't work in the school setting.

We have to pay more attention to our children. "Our" meaning the kids down the street, your cousin's kids, the kids in another school district with less resources, etc. Yep, let's be cliche.....Be the village...yanno.

At the same time, I'm both an advocate of community involvement but also personal responsi…

Real Love

Tempted to make my passions manifest
my imagination becomes my enemy
thinking of how I can move my body
closer to yours
Spirits intertwined
blossoming love
let me hold back
the physical lust
that righteously belongs
to me
Growing in a deeper love
that lips, thighs, tongues
can't ever know
I breathe you
I love you


inspired by a conversation with a friend today.

If I was your girlfriend

Yeah, another Prince discussion. This man has saved my soul through the years. A follow Prince fan always refers to Prince as the ultimate "pimp". He speaks of how smooooooth Prince is lyrically.

I came across the video for "If I Was Your Girlfriend," taken from the Sign of the times film. I started gigglin'. Prince IS a pimp. So clever. Witty. Smooth. Just runnin' game but damn, I'd fall for it.

The title alone would get me.....

IF I WAS UR GIRLFRIEND - PRINCE

Thirst

November 27, 2007 - Tuesday thirst I single you out of the need to quench

that inner desire for more

never have you seen such a sight

or vision

Creatively expressing deeper thoughts

unsaid

can't verbalize what is moving me

to think of visions

of perfected beauty

dreamed of

wished for

beggin' for some attention

let me leave

this for you

"my queen"

"my love"

"my light"

One note

two note

three note

four note

pulsating

blood

rushing

threw

my vein

The sunset can't compare....damn...uh... black princess

no poetic words

come to me

desperation

feenin"



the physical condition resulting from need.......
thirst

SonShine

Let the Sonshine through my soul
as the Son provides hope in the dark times
when my mind wants only to see
negativity
Let the Son capture
my heart again
I smile only at the possibilities of
things to come
as my present is unclear
there is hope
Let me push through my
confusion
and Let the Son
nourish my spirit
fill me with passion, love and hope
show me how to continue to love
those who harm my soul
and bruise my heart
Shine on me
Shine on me
Shine on me
Let the Sonshine

6/8/2008

Thinking of a Master Plan

I've been talking with a few friends about plans, mainly planning for the future. I know I'm in planning mode. I have a kid going off to college next year, I have an org I want to kick off, I want to move in a year, I want to get my money right, I want to look for a new gig, etc. etc. etc.

Plans surround me. I'm just at a time in my life where spontaneity isn't so spontanteous. Its planned. There's nothing wrong with planning but we also have let God in on the plan as well. We sometimes forget that its really about Him and His plan FOR us.

For me, I think God is trying to get me to unplan some things and let him handle it. The moment I started stressing about college and money, BAM, I found out Syd's tuition will be paid for. When I started to plan how and when I would get a car, BAM, here comes a car. CWUW sometimes stresses me out and he keeps reminding that the org isn't about me anyway. Just let it all unfold and happen. Faith without works is …

look at me

Let your eyes speak
as your words
shall not reach me
Let your gaze
touch the deepest
corners of my being
as your words
hold no real meaning
Let the lamp of your soul
reveal the true love in your heart
as your words
are limited by the present circumstance
Just look at me.

Testimony: Hope, the Journey and Mary

Thursday, June 19th was a GREAT day. I was already hyped about hanging with my girlfriend Rashida at the Black Sheep show. Rashida is awesome because she speaks "Rhonda" and we just bug out and do US. Anyway, my great day actually started earlier in the week with Rashida getting her dream car, VW Beetle. She was on the hunt for this car and found it. She asked me to go with her to get the car. Of course, I went so I could share in her happiness. She was HYPED. There it was. Shiny and Pretty. As we started to get into Rashida's new whip, I noticed this Cadillac CTS, my dream car. I'm not really a car person. I'm not into makes and models and what they do. I just care if it runs but I've always loved the look of the CTS.

I walked over and just drooled. The salesperson asked if I was interested in buying a car and I immediately said, "Nah". I had a plan. Pay off the Saturn (paid off 6/19), get another car next year and give the Kid th…