Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Obessive Complusive Disorder Meet Bulimia Nervosa

In the past, I've blogged about having bulimia, the struggles of recovering through tough times like my mother's death and unemployment, and finally admitting it to the world that this is my issue.  I'm a recovering bulimic. I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed.

Later, I started to notice other aspects of my behavior that easily could have always been there but I wasn't paying attention.  I knew it was some sort of anxiety disorder because I needed things in a certain way, I needed to control situations around me. I needed to have controlled order.  What was going on?

After speaking with doctor, she said, "You have low level OCD".  I'm like, "What?"   I don't touch things over and over.  I don't obessive clean [wish I did].  What did she say that? My racing thoughts and my workholism were indicators.  I feel horrible not doing some sort of work and this does get in my way of enjoying life at times.  At the same time, I've learning to balance my life and purposely taking time for myself but OCD is still lurking.

With Bulimia, I no longer binge and purge but like any mental disorder, you have to stay on top of it.   I'm aware and I'm doing my best to make other women aware of this illness and helping them know that its a daily fight for a healthy mindset and even though my OCD creeps in there, I'm ok, I'm good.

Everything that happens to us in life has to manifest.  For me, this is how I allowed my mind to cope with the stresses in my life.  I have to rethink everything from food, my body, control, and work. I have to learn to say NO, my plate is full.  I can't do anymore work today.  Food is not my enemy.  I have learned to work with it.  My body is beautiful no matter the shape or size (this is an affirmation).  I am Fly.

Its ok that OCD is a part of my life right now. I see now it works. I see how I must get control over it.

I appreciate the revelation that has come from above. I'm work with God in this and through this.  My journey is for you, whomever needs it to move on with their lives to live better.  Its about OUR collective healing.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Erykah Badu - Window Seat (Jimmy Fallon Live)

As You Leave Me - Etheridge Knight

I discovered this poem from Indiana native Etheridge Knight and fell in love with it.

 I will NEVER call myself a poet but I appreciate greatly
 the wondrous phrasing and expressive nature of the poets pen. 

Shiny record albums scattered over
the living room floor, reflecting light
from the lamp, sharp reflections that hurt
my eyes as I watch you, squatting among the platters,
the beer foam making mustaches on your lips.

And, too,
the shadows on your cheeks from your long lashes
fascinate me--almost as much as the dimples
in your cheeks, your arms and your legs.

hum along with Mathis--how you love Mathis!
with his burnished hair and quicksilver voice that dances
among the stars and whirls through canyons
like windblown snow, sometimes I think that Mathis
could take you from me if you could be complete
without me. I glance at my watch. It is now time.

You rise,
silently, and to the bedroom and the paint;
on the lips red, on the eyes black,
and I lean in the doorway and smoke, and see you
grow old before my eyes, and smoke, why do you
chatter while you dress? and smile when you grab
your large leather purse? don't you know that when you leave me
I walk to the window and watch you? and light
a reefer as I watch you? and I die as I watch you
disappear in the dark streets
to whistle and smile at the johns


I am a perfect song
harmony guided by the heart felt
desires of the song's creator
sweet words I play in your heart
without knowing

Out of sight
you walk away hoping every note
will become less and less noticeable
to your delicate ear
U hum, not realizing
passion drips from your lips
as to kiss me gently

we sing the same tune
vibrations on similar
reflections of the same
continuing to write
this verse without
your touch
imagery decides
every note

Lyrically, I am divine
the chorus only quickens
your fervent need to
rewrite this lullaby
so you no more can be tormented
by the words I speak to your soul
I am your perfect song

July 6, 2008
inspired by no one

Saturday, April 17, 2010



rhonrhon Rhondab




When your mother goes away....

I miss Charlotte.

Time does heal but there are days when the emptiness is there.

I miss MA.

My mother loved me. It was that simple. I have that with my daughter but of course its different.
To have that person to just smile when you show up, when you do the smallest of things, when you just take in air.....its so refreshing.

I was walking and I verbally and a few words for her and to her. "I miss you lady".

I'd give anything to crawl in her bed and lay down next to her as we watch a movie, as she asks me about my life.

That day when she went away everything changed. EVERYTHING. My life is not the same as it was prior to February 19, 2004 at 5:50am. That moment she said good-bye, trusting that I will be fine. What great faith to have in me? She give me her power at that moment.

I miss her.

The obituary....clearly not written by me.

Bayless, Charlotte B. Owens

February 23, 2004
Charlotte B. Owens Bayless 60, Indianapolis, died Feb. 19, 2004. She was a clerk 15 years for the U.S. Post Office, retiring in 1980. Mrs. Bayless was a member of St. Bridget's Catholic ChurchSt. Phillips. Graveside service will be at 1 p.m. Tuesday, February 24, 2004 at New Crown Cemetery. Calling will be from 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Tuesday, February 24, 2004 at Lavenia, Smith and Summers Home for Funerals. Burial: New Crown Cemetery. Survivors include son Ronald C. Bayless; daughter Rhonda L. Bayless; brother Mark Owens; sisters Janet and Addie Owens, Marguerite Lisenbee and Georgia Anderson; three grandchildren. ,

Let me lean....

I was talking with a long time cohort in the HIV arena. We were talking about our busy lives and how we could work together. She spoke of her daughter and grandchildren. I watched her thoughtfully think of them when she saw some items at the conference she felt they may need or like.

As if we knew what was on each others minds, we both sighed heavily. The conversation moved into being single and feeling its time, its that moment to connect with someone and to be able to lean, to rest, and to allow someone to be there for us.

This wasn't the cry of two bitter women. This was a conversation between two women who have worked hard, raised children, and yes looked around and said.....I do need you black man.

There are moments when I come home from work and I wish someone had taken out the dog, had made sure the car was fixed, or allowed me to rest my head on his shoulders.

Leaning in....and resting....

We both just walked away, taken up our cross, getting back into the game, and saying until then...we move on.

How do you say that partnership, companionship, and love are desired in a way that it doesn't sound lonely? I don't know if I've that artful and skillful as a writer, blogger, or whatever to come up with a poetic way of saying.....I'm ready for that moment.

I recall my daughter saying to me that God has to prepare Superman for me and that takes a minute. SMH at my kid. Let me lean....let me love...and let me share.

The beauty of love is what I miss. I'm not afraid to say, its been a long time and I'm sure that God is making sure the time is right. Patience has never been my strongest virtue.

I do pray that we as a culture get back to embracing love, companionship. We are missing each other.

Seven Steps for Overcoming Ego’s Hold on You

Extract from There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem

Dr. Wayne Dyer

Extract from There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem

Dr. Wayne Dyer

Here are seven suggestions to help you transcend ingrained ideas of self-importance.

All of these are designed to help prevent you from falsely identifying with the self-important ego.

1. Stop being offended. The behavior of others isn’t a reason to be immobilized. That which offends you only weakens you. If you’re looking for occasions to be offended, you’ll find them at every turn. This is your ego at work convincing you that the world shouldn’t be the way it is. But you can become an appreciator of life and match up with the universal Spirit of Creation. You can’t reach the power of intention by being offended. By all means, act to eradicate the horrors of the world, which emanate from massive ego identification, but stay in peace. As A Course in Miracles reminds us: Peace is of God, you who are part of God are not at home except in his peace. Being is of God, you who are part of God are not at home except in his peace. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place and leads to attack, counterattack, and war.

2. Let go of your need to win. Ego loves to divide us up into winners and losers. The pursuit of winning is a surefire means to avoid conscious contact with intention. Why? Because ultimately, winning is impossible all of the time. Someone out there will be faster, luckier, younger, stronger, and smarter-and back you’ll go to feeling worthless and insignificant.

You’re not your winnings or your victories. You may enjoy competing, and have fun in a world where winning is everything, but you don’t have to be there in your thoughts. There are no losers in a world where we all share the same energy source. All you can say on a given day is that you performed at a certain level in comparison to the levels of others on that day. But today is another day, with other competitors and new circumstances to consider. You’re still the infinite presence in a body that’s another day (or decade) older. Let go of needing to win by not agreeing that the opposite of winning is losing. That’s ego’s fear. If your body isn’t performing in a winning fashion on this day, it simply doesn’t matter when you aren’t identifying exclusively with your ego. Be the observer, noticing and enjoying it all without needing to win a trophy. Be at peace, and match up with the energy of intention. And ironically, although you’ll hardly notice it, more of those victories will show up in your life as you pursue them less.

3. Let go of your need to be right. Ego is the source of a lot of conflict and dissension because it pushes you in the direction of making other people wrong. When you’re hostile, you’ve disconnected from the power of intention. The creative Spirit is kind, loving, and receptive; and free of anger, resentment, or bitterness. Letting go of your need to be right in your discussions and relationships is like saying to ego, I’m not a slave to you. I want to embrace kindness, and I reject your need to be right. In fact, I’m going to offer this person a chance to feel better by saying that she’s right, and thank her for pointing me in the direction of truth.

When you let go of the need to be right, you’re able to strengthen your connection to the power of intention. But keep in mind that ego is a determined combatant. I’ve seen people end otherwise beautiful relationships by sticking to their need to be right. I urge you to let go of this ego-driven need to be right by stopping yourself in the middle of an argument and asking yourself, Do I want to be right or be happy? When you choose the happy, loving, spiritual mood, your connection to intention is strengthened. These moments ultimately expand your new connection to the power of intention. The universal Source will begin to collaborate with you in creating the life you were intended to live.

4. Let go of your need to be superior. True nobility isn’t about being better than someone else. It’s about being better than you used to be. Stay focused on your growth, with a constant awareness that no one on this planet is any better than anyone else. We all emanate from the same creative life force. We all have a mission to realize our intended essence; all that we need to fulfill our destiny is available to us. None of this is possible when you see yourself as superior to others. It’s an old saw, but nonetheless true: we are all equal in the eyes of God. Let go of your need to feel superior by seeing the unfolding of God in everyone. Don’t assess others on the basis of their appearance, achievements, possessions, and other indices of ego. When you project feelings of superiority that’s what you get back, leading to resentments and ultimately hostile feelings. These feelings become the vehicle that takes you farther away from intention. A Course in Miracles addresses this need to be special and superior: Special ness always makes comparisons. It is established by a lack seen in another, and maintained by searching for, and keeping clear in sight, all lacks it can perceive.

5. Let go of your need to have more. The mantra of ego is more. It’s never satisfied. No matter how much you achieve or acquire, your ego will insist that it isn’t enough. You’ll find yourself in a perpetual state of striving, and eliminate the possibility of ever arriving. Yet in reality you’ve already arrived, and how you choose to use this present moment of your life is your choice. Ironically, when you stop needing more, more of what you desire seems to arrive in your life. Since you’re detached from the need for it, you find it easier to pass it along to others, because you realize how little you need in order to be satisfied and at peace.

The universal Source is content with itself, constantly expanding and creating new life, never trying to hold on to its creations for its own selfish means. It creates and lets go. As you let go of ego’s need to have more, you unify with that Source. You create, attract to yourself, and let it go, never demanding that more come your way. As an appreciator of all that shows up, you learn the powerful lesson St.Francis of Assisi taught:”…it is in giving that we receive.” By allowing abundance to flow to and through you, you match up with your Source and guarantee that this energy will continue to flow.

6. Let go of identifying yourself on the basis of your achievements. This may be a difficult concept if you think you are your achievements. God writes all the music, God sings all the songs, God builds all the buildings, God is the source of all your achievements. I can hear your ego loudly protesting. Nevertheless, stay tuned to this idea. All emanates from Source! You and that Source are one! You’re not this body and its accomplishments. You are the observer. Notice it all; and be grateful for the abilities you’ve accumulated. But give all the credit to the power of intention, which brought you into existence and which you’re a materialized part of. The less you need to take credit for your achievements and the more connected you stay to the seven faces of intention, the more you’re free to achieve, and the more will show up for you. It’s when you attach yourself to those achievements and believe that you alone are doing all of those things that you leave the peace and the gratitude of your Source.

7. Let go of your reputation. Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others. Therefore, you have no control over it at all. If you speak to 30 people, you will have 30 reputations. Connecting to intention means listening to your heart and conducting yourself based on what your inner voice tells you is your purpose here. If you’re overly concerned with how you’re going to be perceived by everyone, then you’ve disconnected yourself from intention and allowed the opinions of others to guide you. This is your ego at work. It’s an illusion that stands between you and the power of intention. There’s nothing you can’t do, unless you disconnect from the power source and become convinced that your purpose is to prove to others how masterful and superior you are and spend your energy attempting to win a giant reputation among other egos. Do what you do because your inner voice always connected to and grateful to your Source-so directs you. Stay on purpose, detach from outcome, and take responsibility for what does reside in you: your character. Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you. Or as a book title says: What You Think of Me Is None of My Business!

Dr. Wayne Dyer

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Dance Electric.....

"'One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. ' Friedrich Nietzsche"

Frazzled Beauty

In the scope of the past month, I've been called "Frazzled" various times and at various moments.

Each time, I've been taken aback by the word used to describe the moment of vulnerability.

Am I frazzled? no

Do I have frazzled moments? yes

[enter human]

But then, I started to question if this was a word used to describe mostly women when they are tired but grinding hard towards their passion.
Do men get "Frazzled"?

So I let Google Images teach me......

The first images that come up:

There's more but I think you get the picture.
So are women incapable of managing their lives successfully? Are we allowing sexism to rear its head by identifying, too quickly and too easily, a woman's need for balance as being "Frazzled"?
For years and even today, women are told that we are MORE susceptible to uncontrollable mood swings and mental illness. We speak the language of our oppressors. I've been called "frazzled" by women. Most of the men I come in contact with see me as a peer in the manner I so called "get my grind on" and just tell me, "balance it, make it happen". What do I take from that?
As women, we understand that we ARE able to handle multiple tasks but we are to do it in silence, without compliant. We'll I'm vocal when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated and when I feel over worked. I express my feelings when I can identify that the load is heavy.
So in my confessing my sins to my sisters, confessing how busy I am and the thoughts running through my mind, there's almost a rejection of my verbal expression. "Frazzled" comes up when I'm angered by the lack of support given to the work I put out. "Frazzled" comes up when I expected work to be done with a spirit of excellence. "Frazzled" comes up when I take a look at my world and wonder if I can do everything on my plate and wanting to do even more. "Frazzled" comes up with me just being honest and being me.
[possessed by human thought]
Please don't mistake the fact that I know I have moments of being tired and overworked but that doesn't mean I'm out of control and incapable of rational thought. This is the rub. This is the insult. My wide eyes mean I see the situation more than most can imagine.
Leadership. I do this.
Women and men need to seek and find balance in their lives. This is my goal just as any other. Labels.....label. Women can be vocal about their mental wellness without the label. Men are given pass. "He works really"
When I get my penis, I'll no longer be deemed

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Annoyance with my own faith

Let me say, I am a believer in Yeshua, Yashua, Jesus, etc, etc.

With that said, its becoming hard for me to say that I am a Christian. I love and serve Yeshua and believe in who he says he is but Christianity and its history has a lot to answer for and Christians have to stop being ignorant to the history of their faith.

[Done fell into the rabbit hole.]

More than anything, Christians need to do better about their study and move beyond just the guidance from the pulpit. Pastors, Preachers, and Priests are to be a guide. You must work out your own salvation. I'm not here to say that I'm a scholar but being skeptical actually has strengthen my faith, to read the scriptures more closely, and seek the mysteries. I'm learning to have an understanding of the so-called pagan traditions of the Church and its connection to what they would call the lesser religions.

We can not ignore as Christians that "our story" has been documented on the walls of Egypt (Kemet) prior to our Bible. We can not ignore that astrology is mentioned and followed in our bibles. We can not ignore that both Moses and Jesus spent many years in Egypt(Kemet) and other cultures believed he traveled through out Africa and Asia during those "missing years" learning and adapting philosophies and skills along the way.

God lives. His Son is alive through his resurrection which we are reminded of daily through the rising of the Sun. A daily resurrection of the Sun should remind us to seek more of Him. We are to resurrect God in us daily. God is not Christianity. Christianity is not God. God is bigger than Christianity. I truly believe that God wants us to love his Son because its a way of living, an approach to life, that we all need. Yeshua wasn't passive with his life nor with scripture. He challenged the men of his day to think deeper and to find the mysteries in the Torah. He was an activist. He sought to change the way we related to God and to one another, in TRUTH.

Let's be honest about our faith. Easter is a pagan season. Let's not get upset when someone says it because its TRUTH. Seek first the Kingdom which includes truth, love, and wisdom.

I chose Christianity because its the way I want to live but I will live it in TRUTH. I will always recognize the origins of my faith and never run from it. I will acknowledge that changes were made to Christianity to maintain order, to maintain power of and over people. This is the Truth. It is the truth that "Christianity" as it is today has many, many falsities. This has nothing to do with my believe in the Creator and his son but I understand how the story has been passed down, has been manipulated and I understand its origins.

Live in the Truth of Yeshua. Love in the Truth of his way. Seek all truth and wisdom and allow it to fall from the Creator through meditation and prayer.