Friday, August 29, 2008

No escape

Powerfully I be
You stand away
far away
having to admire
the statuesque
vision of your most
wondrous dream
encompassing all that your
list requires
  • smart
  • sexy
  • focused
  • proud
  • and black
fighting the images
that your mind seems to
form at the most
inconvenient times
Walk away
turn away
move in silence
ignore, you try
reality is
An angel is in your midst
boldly acknowledging
every notion your
mind can create
You try to find a way
to say, no, no, no more
but the pipe is calling
and I hold the the very
drug you need

Turn to familiar ground
to get your fix
no longer satisfying
the hunger
Once you free your soul
Love Shame away
and move forwards
what your spirit calls
for you to do
Powerfully I still will be
here.
And you no longer
far away
but
near.

Tired in my bones

Tired in my bones....

Sydney needs to get a physical for basketball. We need to make arrangements for a college tour. The car needs to be washed. Zeus needs dog food. I need to make a sponsorship package for CWUW and send out thank you cards for the health focus group. I need to do laundry. I have to call about my student loans. I have 3 grants due by September 8th. I have to wash my hair. The toilet in Syd's bathroom runs all the time. Need to check on my grandmother, my aunt and my cousin's aunt. I have to call to make an appointment with the dermatologist. I should think about the second interview for the new gig. Syd's car needs a tune up, brakes and I'm sure something else. I need to give away some of mom's stuff, finally. I need to clean out all the journals, books and files from Woman to Woman. I need to buy an external hard drive before this computer messes up. I need to make sure Syd arranged for her SATs.

Tired in my bones...


I would like to take a trip to South Africa and work with women living with HIV for about 6 months. I would love to paint. I would like to take yoga classes regularly. I want to visit my girlfriends and cousin in NYC this year. I would love to shop for some new clothes; suits - up my professional game. I would like a facial and a massage. I think I want to be a big sister once the Kid leaves for school or become a foster parent. I want to help my friends with whatever they need. I want to find the fliest black leather jacket at a thrift store this fall. I want to get at least 3 more tats and another piercing. I want to just rest my spirit for a day and let someone else take care of me. I want fresh flowers on occasion in my apt. I want to get my meditation time back on track. I want to start getting my pedicures regularly again. I want to wear a beater and jeans - daily.

Tired in my bones...

Monday, August 25, 2008


Michelle Obama

Black Woman


today

Walking alone in my mind
but a new awakening dawns
God reconnects hearts to lost loves
family to family
answering to the deepest of emotion
loneliness

Peeking through to tomorrow
as I see the light of my future
overwhelming some days
can this be what I'm called to do
leadership, I humbly accept this honor
feeling the passion of my heart
vision

Realizing that I love
deeply as my mother loved
I desire to give to you all that
you need and want and imagine
possibly your perfect reflection
touching you without one touch
Godly love, a conduit of pure love
looking past flesh into the spirit
eternal

Who am I, I don't know somedays
daily walking through the mysteries
of me, who i think i am
feeling in my mind, that I am
great and in my spirit, chosen
fervently seeking out hope and peace
Jesus

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Yeshua

There are moments when I simply say thank you without any fanfare or emotional outburst. There are times when I want to hold you in my arms and bless you as you've blessed me.
There never isn't a moment that I'm proud to be your child
"I will bless the Lord at all times, he praise shall continually be in my mouth"
Let me praise and honor you. You are LOVE. You are HOPE. You are PEACE.
I sincerely pray that your children close their eyes and simply be reminded of the goodness of You.

I proudly say that I am a child of the Most High who's power lives in me.

Let me be of service to your people and I am humbled.

I love you very much.

Blessed be His Name.....

Soul Sanctuary - Prince

I simply love the lyrics of this song. I have for years and every time I read them, there's a different meaning. Its simplistic and so loving....sexy and so sensual. Its a secret desire, a longing. Its the love you've had your entire life. Its your twin flame and your best friend. Its the person you think about at night, alone; and is the person that never leaves your side.

Soul Sanctuary.



Loving U in silence, knowing that it's right
Under your gaze I ponder this love 2night
Unbothered by the chaos swirling 'round outside
In your arms is where I want 2 live and die
Someplace where your face is all that I see
Where the love we make intoxicates intensively
In a mirror where your sweet reflection used 2 be
There is hope, there is joy, my soul sanctuary
My soul sanctuary

Loving U in silence, never ending kiss
Under your gaze I can peacefully exist
Sanctuary, baby, nothing compares 2 this
In my darkest hour U can be my bliss (Bliss)

All of me I give 2 thee down at your feet
The reassurance in your rhythm speaks 2 me
Over and over your screams are like a prayer
In the dark, U are there (U are there), my soul sanctuary
Ooh, my soul sanctuary

Loving U in passion unmolested in this garden
Mango and nectarine, sweet honeydew, I beg your pardon
My mouth runneth over from ecstasy
It's true (it's true), baby, I love the taste of U

Loving U in silence, knowing that it's right
Under your gaze I ponder this love 2night
Unbothered by the chaos swirling around outside
In your arms is where I wanna live and die

Someplace (someplace) where your face is all that I see (All that I see)
Where the love we make intoxicates intensively (Intensively)
In a mirror (mirror) where your sweet (sweet) reflections used 2 be
There is hope, there is joy, my soul sanctuary
My soul sanctuary
(My, my, my, my, my soul) My soul sanctuary
Oh, my soul sanctuary
Soul sanctuary

Fighting for Sisterhood

art by Kortez






Sitting in a room full of women, chatting - no jealousy, no strife, no eye rollin' nonsense. Beautiful. Women simply sharing their needs and wants to be healthy and happy. In the desire to help women, I want women to look at each other has advocates, kindred spirits, and simply sisters. At a time when we are raising our children alone, we are suffering from all sorts of health conditions, we need one another. We need to love each other.

Personally, I try so very hard to love my sistas. My life's work is serving to women. I won't subscribe to "man sharing", I'm not gonna take ya man (lawd), I'm not gonna roll my eyes at you, I'm going to smile at you and try to love you. Why be jealous? Its refreshing to watch women from all ethnicities, socio-economic backgrounds, sit in a room and simply share and love each other. Makes me smile.

I'm equally blessed to have so many men to be supportive of my journey. We need men. NEED. Yeah....NEED. Got that! Yin Yang. Gender is no more than balance. We need men for balance. Right now, we are so off balanced. I'm thankful for those men who understand the importance of my journey and don't ego trip in my gender equality and point out how sexism is just as much an issue in the black community. I embrace black feminism without apology and so will my future partner. Men need to understand their influence and support is vital in the healing of women. Feminism doesn't mean that women can't understand the importance of men in the lives of women but patriarchy is not desired nor needed. Patriarchy isn't leadership but dominance. This is not what is needed by women.

Fighting for sisterhood is a battle. As long as you we are raised to compete against each other, its going to be hard. But I'm hopeful. We need more quilting circles (as a concept). We need more kitchen conversations. I'm hoping CWUW can be that for women. I'm hoping that as I grow into my purpose that I can be a good example for other women.

Gotta fight the good fight.....for the good of our families and community.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


a thought
can change so much
a thought can put things in motion
introducing a new way of viewing
a situation
an idea
a concept
added with images
a dream
moves into
a passion

just a thought

Friday, August 22, 2008

Death tryin' to kick at the crib

Grandmother is VERY ill and my aunt tells me that she is very sick but won't tell me what the hell that means.

Death -

2002 - Aunt and Great Aunt die within two days of each other
2004 - Mom
2005 - Mom's Brother
2006 - Mom's Sister

7 siblings, 3 great uncles, one great aunt, 2 grandparents, 2 cousins - one family

I actually tired of Death.

There are families that are still waiting for the first grandparent to die. They have no idea what it feels like. YIKES.

I'm sorta just melancholy. The kids is too actually.

As we approached the hospital, I was like UGH!! This icky feeling came over me. It was near hospital. As we approached, the hospital had been renovated. I calmed my ass down.

I just faced the possibility of another death. I'm ok. My cousin was sending me texts about our moms. She was missing them. I guess death was on her mind too.

Death has been just kickin it. Chillin'. Its annoying and needs to go away for a minute.

Sacrifice

A friend asked me about sacrifice the other day....actually two friends did. Initially, I said I didn't believe in sacrifice in the name of God. The context of the convos- too long to go into....but anyway

How quickly things change.

Sometimes you do have to make Godly sacrifices for the greater good and allow God to map out the true plan for you. So many things aren't what they seem. Sometimes the sacrifice is just simply stepping aside.

Step aside.

What a quick lesson to be learned.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Rhonda's Ramblings

Last night, I was coming off a high. No not that type of high but from having a meeting with another agency about CWUW. It went better than expected. When I arrived home, I was met with something that made me rethink my approach to my leadership. I didn't really want to think about anything at all. I tried not to think about the org and what I needed to do at all but there are times when God makes you deal and this was that time.

The tv turned to black exploitation televsion and no, not BET but VH1. I hear Diddy's voice say, "Don't F*ck with my name or my image.....blah, blah, blah". It was enough for me to go hmmmm. No more than 10 minutes later, my friend called. He normally doesn't call me late at night but he wanted to chit chat. I asked him about his career, his brand and how he deals with others when he may need assistance. I wanted to know how protective he was of his brand. Basically, he said VERY. I got a "good talking to " about me, my leadership and my future. He knew that I KNEW this stuff but I'm one of those, "let me bounce this off of you" types at times. Great convo. Great inspiration. Personally, I'm learning I need to touch base with like minded people, visionaries, or I'm frustrated easily.

I changed my clothes and sat on the balcony. I closed my eyes and sat quietly. I listened to the birds and the far way noises. I looked up and just asked for peace and guidance. I sat there for about 15 minutes and when I got up, I was ready!


Today -
Hit the ground running. More good news today. YAY!
Its happening and its cool as hell to watch it all unfold after so many years of preparing, of planning and just hoping.

I'm pleased with the people in my world right now ESPECIALLY since I've changed my mind about how everyone will enter my world. Sounds controlling but it has to be this way. Solid friendships are in the making. Keeping all bullshit to the side, thank you. Lames, Lazies and Losers can kick rocks and get the deuces. Keep it movin'.

Ya Heard...

Labor Day weekend - Chicago style - Club Berlin - Prince Night/White Night...gettin' my sexy on.......not hard to do (gigglin')

Gonna go listen to some local folks do their thing soon. I've been out there giving my support.

Yo - man, a friend had me laughin' my ass off the otha day.
I really have to say - you suck.

and I'm rambling cuz I have a $300,000 grant to write.....and don't wanna.

can you believe that blocked myspace at work....lol....What me gonna do nah? Work?

ha.....

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dad

Ron B holding Ron B, the brother



The coolest cat I know is my dad.....

My dad hasn't changed much......

I'm sure he didn't leave his chair during the Olympics.....

I'm sure he just wants some peace and quiet.....

He's probably going to shoot some pool one day soon....

He's probably going to go hang with the ol' school crew at White Castles...

He's probably worried about his mom but hasn't said it to anyone....

I know mom's death effected him even if no one else could see it in his face but me....

I know he assumes the best....and knows we'll call him if something goes wrong....

He'll follow the Kid's boyfriends football career more closely than the Kid will...

My dad's jazz collection is insane...but I have his Miles Davis, "Bitches Brew" and John Coltrane's " A Love Supreme" on vinyl....sorry

The coolest cat I know is my dad.....


Round Midnight - Thelonious Monk Quartet

I wanna do what I wanna do.....



The battle of faith and patience is our own desires at times. We want to either rush the process or ignore it all together. I've witnessed people who have chosen to ignore what they KNOW God has for them or wants them to do simply because they just don't want to do it. Sometimes their feelings, emotions, etc cloud their obedience. God knows best. He knows the best job for you. He knows how to help your (his) child get through a tough time. He knows your "perfect" mate. He KNOWS. We are promised the desires of our hearts so God isn't going to provide you with things you don't want but there are times when it is all about what you need.

I've seen people try so hard to be disobedient that its scary. They wanna do what they wanna do. Free will. Go for it. I'm tied to the Universe, the Divine, God, Yeshua.....I'm obedient but I'm very impatient. I'm ready to move once I get the charge, the word....let's go do this. So I get frustrated with the process. I get frustrated with sitting around and waiting. If I'm suppose to do something, I'm ready to go. I hate waiting around; waiting for "It" to happen. Ugh. Its annoying but God is teaching me patience and to ENJOY life. I can tell the train is purposely slow so that I can embrace the journey.

Of course, I'm motivated by the world around me, its my muse so to speak and I watched a friend battle with obedience yesterday. Obedience won but it was a fight. So just do what you're suppose to do when you know your spirit calls you for a purpose or journey. Don't waste your time and God's time on getting you out of something you shouldn't have been doing in the first place. You see this with relationships so much (talkin' about me). I KNEW I shouldn't have been in a relationship with my ex. I think it was one of those times I can say that I heard God actually say, "NO". But did it anyway and YIKES.....the clean up is still in full effect. My battle was that I felt I loved him, and I can honestly say I did BUT we were always better friends than so -called lovers. We were awful in a relationship but fun and happy as buddies. We never listened to what we were clearly being told. There were days when I felt confused. I knew I loved him but I also knew this was somehow, wrong. We messed up what was supposed to be a very strong friendship trying to be something else.

We know when we are operating outside of obedience or that we need to listen intently. Our spirits let us know instantly. We get uncomfortable (Like I am now at the gig...time to go), we feel unfulfilled, and sometimes, I feel ill. God is with us, in us, around us......not somewhere else. When we are off the mark, we are no longer reflections of Him and you feel it, well, at least I do. We just have to be faithful that He will provide the career of our dreams, our children will be healthy and happy, we will find the love meant for us, etc. etc. etc.

Heed to your spirit.
Listen to God.
Love yourself.
Serve one another.



a song mom played almost every sunday.....
It Dont Cost Very Much - Mahalia Jackson

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Hey Ma


The very day mom died, I had to talk with the Indiana Organ Procurement Organization about organ donation. A couple of months later I was asked to write this ad for the Minority Donation Education Alliance. They used my mom in some of their ads for minority organ donations. It was a very hard thing to write but was very happy to help.
Charlotte and Ronald - The Parents
They are me.





Ma,


You came to mind when talking with a friend today. You came to mind when I had to make some decisions about my future. You came to mind when thinking about the Kid.

I love you my Diva, my love....."ol' lady".

I see you when I look in the mirror. I hear you when I speak powerful words. I feel you daily.

Thank you for giving me the gift of life by giving birth to me and thank you for my strength in your transition to the other side. You showed me so much love and faith by leaving me for this short time. Thank you for believing in me as you always have. You are missed. We show our love in our "hearts". My wrist, brother's arm, the Kids back, the cousin's chest.....we honor you with our black hearts....as the one you wore daily. You proved to me there was such a thing as LOVING hard.

I just wanna say I love you. I love you mom. I live to hear your laugh and awful jokes once again.

The Oldest....

Rhonda



Charlotte's favorite singer - The Divine Sarah Vaughn





my bottom lip
the gap in my teeth
the fullness of my breast
my laughter
my coolness
they way I look at you from across the room
the dream of maybes, ifs and buts
my focus
my strength
my passion
my love of God
my love for my child(ren)
the thickness of my thighs
the way I remind you of a Hersey's kiss
my smile
the thought you had last night
the thought you had this morning
the thought you're having right now

are the reasons why I'm so fly......

Nothing.

Listening to the silence of your soul
mindless words scream from your lips
you speak nothing
loudly
Passionately you spew words
twisted and confused
wildly your eyes seem
gazing into nothingness
empty is your spirit
tempting fate to bring forth
negativity unknowingly
what do you wish to say
to speak
what am I to hear
when you say nothing.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Grace Jones - My hero





This woman - I just flat out love. I didn't really realize it until very recently. I LOVE Grace Jones. I love the way she looks, her vibe and her music. I'v loved a song or two but I've been trying to really engulf myself in her vibe. I think its because there's a part of Grace I miss about me. I definitely gave up the weird, quirky part of me for others i.e. career, relationship, etc. I want Rhonda BACK even though she's never really left.

Grace has inspired me.

Feel her vibe.

I gotta Do or Die....
Do Or Die - Grace Jones


I've been called an operator,
I can sell an eskimo snow,
Baby, your'e a calculator,
But all you ever tell me is no.


You make me run,run,run, say your havi'n none,
You make me run,run,run, chase me with a gun.
I'll never give up!
I've got to do or die,
I'm reach'in for the sky,
I'd like to make you mine,
You know I will in time,
? Do or Die,
No matter how you try,
You'll never change my mind,
I got to Do or Die!!


Taurus's are more determined,
Nothing's gonna stand in their way,
Loving you was my ambition,
I was born the 19th of May.


You make me run,run,run, say your havi'n none,
You make me run,run,run, chase me with a gun.
I'll never give up!
I've got to do or die,
I'm reach'in for the sky,
I'd like to make you mine,
You know I will in time,
? Do or Die,
No matter how you try,
You'll never change my mind,
I got to Do or Die!!


I've been called an operator,
I can sell an eskimo snow,
Baby, your'e a calculator
But all you ever tell me is no.


You make me run,run,run, say your havi'n none,
You make me run,run,run, chase me with a gun.
I'll never give up!
I've got to do or die,
I'm reach'in for the sky,
I'd like to make you mine,
You know I will in time,
? Do or Die,
No matter how you try,
You'll never change my mind,
I got to Do or Die!!

Standing Tall - All Woman










Working in the health field can be overwhelming being a black woman. You hear the stats that rarely have any good news for black women. HIV, diabetes, lupus, heart disease, breast cancer....and the list goes on and on. Then you have those that tell us that we are the least desired (Black women and Asian men) in the US. Personally, I've always gotten more attention from non-American black men but understand what has happened to the psyche of some of brothers. I can't blame them 100%. But what does all of this do to the mindset of Black women living in the US?

How do we push through the fact that we may end up unmarried, left as single mothers, and have to raise a family financially alone? AND then get blamed for why black children have certain issues? I even had a brotha tell me that me being educated is a part of the problem for black men. (sigh) He said that black women are being used as tools to break down black men because we are being "trained" seek out power positions while brothas are still taking labor jobs. He let me know that I'm partially responsible for the breakdown of the black family. (sigh) All I know is that both myself and my brother didn't have an option but to go to college and to pursue a better life. As much as I understood the brother's frustration and that he probably has come across some sistas that judged his life and employment, I'm not feeling bad for what I've accomplished and what I'm GOING to accomplish.

Daily, I have to affirm that I am made perfect.....that I am beautiful with my dark skin and kinky hair and I can appreciate all beautiful women around me, that I'm a good mother who has raised a child who doesn't have issues with men but knows there are good men out there who love their families, that I can take control of my health and I don't have to be sick and tired all of my days.....I can smile and laugh and love and BE LOVED.

What happens to us when we hear all of these negative things DAILY? Depression, substance use and abuse, promiscuity, bitterness, anger, obesity.....etc....etc......hmmmmm......I charge my sistas to stand tall. I charge my sistas to take part in their healing. I charge take responsibility for their negativity. I charge my sistas to be more than caregivers to their children but RAISE them and reach out to your village, both men and women. I charge my sistas to heal from past hurts so you can love wholeheartedly in the future. I charge my sistas to love one another and let go of jealousy and envy. HEAL.

There is a set up. The system is against us but that doesn't mean I can't work diligently to not be victimized by it. I'm no victim. I'm a survivor.

Stand tall.

Me.




I am a black single mother. I sit on the dawn of my own greatest. Future generations will be blessed because of my obedience to God and to my spirit. I refuse to follow any other path but the one set before me. I love creation and its Maker. I understand the power of giving. I understand that I must let my light shine as it is a reflection of the One that lives in me, through me and around me. I am blessed for having the opportunity to parent such a wonderful child. I am blessed through adversity and humbled through prosperity. I am proud to be a believer. I strive to be a woman of integrity even though some days I may fail. I try. I love people. I give from my heart in the most genuine way. My intent is never to harm. I am strong. I know only a few can handle me in my weakness and can provide true comfort. I am God's child.

me.

Erykah Badu - Me - Erykah Badu

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Superwoman......sorta

This week I was wondering where was my cape and my invisible plane. This week has been another week of hard work on the day gig and for CWUW. School started for the kid and I'm so blessed that Syd can handle her business. She straighten some stuff up at school with her schedule without me having to do anything.

There are definitely women who are doing way more than me. I don't have to come home and cook dinner for anyone. Syd is normally already gone to work or off doing something else. Generally, I start doing some additional stuff for my org and then I go into a struggle of trying to relax. This week hasn't been problem. My body has just been shutting down without any help from my brain. Got some rest. The running theme of this blog lately - Rhonda's Restlessness.

anyway -

I have to give mad love for women like my mom and others who really were superwomen and sometimes did so much without the help of a spouse or partner, which is so unforunate. I'm glad there are men out there who understand that a household needs them. I know I'll NEVER want to parent alone again. I know that I could do it but I don't want to do it. I had great support and love from family and friends but...never again without the father's involvement.

There are days I definitely just want some else to make sure Syd has lunch money, that we have groceries, check the cars for maintenance, etc. But this is my life and I'm built for this obviously. I'm not complaining. This has been a week that I've been very aware of where I am in life and its been a good thing. I can alway see the 9th step even if I'm on the 3rd and that keeps my mind working. Its just me. I'm really embracing my inner Wonderwoman today.

So where is my cape.....

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sugar and Potatoes

Sugar and Potatoes
2/9/05
As I ponder the question of you and I
I wonder
I wonder who are you
As you whisper sweet, well, sweet bull that you feel I should and probably will fall for
Who is this creation of visual splendor that is doin’ all he can to make some sorta of love to my mind with sugary words

As my insulin rises, what should I say in response?
My mouth dry but my thighs drip with ever loving reply
Speak it, say it but do I need to fall for it?
Who are you really, whispering words that seem to come from a sexy Prince tune, one that my momma said I couldn’t listen to back in the day?
Damn, my ears desire the sweet nothings your mouth speaks into them

I’m confused about your person
What do you represent?
Sugary sweet soft words that causes me to lose the control, the control I brag about having when I’m shooting the shit with the girls telling them that my pimp game is on point
Damn
Muthafucka, what do you want or need from me
My body, my lips well defined with cherry lip liner and cherry flavored lip-gloss
Your words offer nothing but promises of physical pleasure that I know I need…what? some honey…where? Hell yes do that there
I’m waiting for the meat and potatoes of your sugary soliloquy
Is there more beyond you penetratin’ and lickin’
I’m waiting for you to fuck me with your intelligence
How they couldn’t deal with Angela Davis’ fierce womanhood or the latest deepness of Cornell West
Don’t get me wrong, damn, I’m amazed how your words drip with sexual prowess and can touch that thing in me that burns, yearns and desires something long, strong and hard to penetrate with force yet with tenderness
You have the skills to make me want to live close by
To make that 2:00am run
Sugary Sweet, delicious words
Who are you, just a temporary vision?
Someone to remember
Who hit it back in the day?
Tempt me your community service
Woo me with your self-empowerment
Sex me with three letters, PhD
Sugary sweet, sexy and fine as you are
I want to know youBut damn, can you show me who you really are?



Written a few years ago - it sucks but thought I'd post anyway

Monday, August 11, 2008

Jigga

ain't saying nuthin'

just listen


Jockin Jay Z Real Clean -

or watch

Reflecting

Stood in front of the mirror today
Saw a beautiful reflection
A tender spirit
A kind heart
A helping hand
Stood in front of the mirror today
Thought about my future
Open my spirit to new things
Open my mind to ways of living
Open my body to give love
Stood in front of the mirror today
knowing that I am touched by the Divine
Letting go of insecurities
Letting go of past hurts
Letting go of lonely days
Stood in front of the mirror today
exploring the inner me
no longer coveting
no longer envious
no longer bitter

reflecting.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Isaac Hayes - Died today



Another loss - What is really going on?

All I can say is that I remember Isaac Hayes being played in my house when I was young.



Possibly




Possibly you were meant for me
as timing plays magical tricks as if to say otherwise Possibly I am yours for all time even though, your touch is unknown but only in my dreams Possibly, my heart knows more than sensible thoughts to say not now, not ever Possibly, we may lose this moment out of fear, out of confusion the path seems unclear Possibly, you are the one I dreamed so many times that your spirit is more than familiar but is a part of me Possibly, the Divine will point the way to paradise, of real love that I know can only come from you Possibly, you love me and are afraid to say as my tongue knows the same fear Possibly, love will be possible. August 10, 2008 - Inspired by me listening to Four Weddings and a Funeral as I write this grant.

Moody Men

What do men call it when they have mood swings, ups and downs, and are overly emotional? I'm really curious. There's a friend that thinks that anytime a female is in disagreement with him or is angered by his words they they must be "insane", "hormonal", or its the time of the month.

So what is it called when you men do the same stuff?

I've just witnessed a FEW of my male friends go through ups and downs emotionally and yet I know that I don't call it anything but ups and downs but if I'm (or another female) is having a bad day, we're being asked if we're having a visit from our "little friend", "aunt" ........

What's it called when you have to quiet yourself and retreat without warning or caution so you can get your mind right when something is troubling your spirit? Maleopause?

Sexism.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Sade - Cherish the Day

As I work, I'm listening to some music. Sade enters my headset and I'm moved. Of course this isn't the first time I've heard the song but its the first time I've really listened. Every word touching my soul. I'm not going to post the song, only the lyrics. If you want to hear the song, click the title.

Just read.

This is LOVE.



Cherish The Day lyrics
You're ruling the way that I move
And I breathe your air
You only can rescue me
This is my prayer
If you were mine
If you were mine
I wouldn't want to go to heaven

I cherish the day
I won't go astray
I won't be afraid
You won't catch me running
You're ruling the way that I move
You take my air

You show me how deep love can be

You're ruling the way that I move
And I breathe your air
You only can rescue me
This is my prayer

I Cherish the Day
I won't go astray
I won't be afraid
You won't catch me running
I Cherish the Day
I won't go astray
I won't be afraid
Won't run away

You show me how deep love can be
You show me how deep love can be
This is my prayer

I Cherish the Day
I won't go astray
I won't be afraid
Won't run away
Won't shy

I Cherish the Day
I won't go astray

I Cherish the Day
I Cherish the Day
I Cherish the Day
I Cherish the Day
I Cherish the Day

RIP Bernie Mac

I woke this morning and read on yahoo about the passing of Bernie Mac. The Kid was so sadden by the news she thought I was lying.

From , his tv show, Def Comedy Jam, Friday, his stand up and recently the Ocean movies, this is clearly one of those times when you feel like this was too soon.

We need more Truth tellers.

As we miss him, we know that God knows our appointed time......it was time for Bernie to go Home.

Peace and Love to his family and friends. We were blessed to have witnessed a great talent.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Giving some love to the big "G"

GRINDING....

Daily. For the Kid, for US, for my future and for CWUW...

GRINDING.....

When I was unemployed, I grasped hold to the scripture, "Faith without works is dead" (along with Romans 8:28) and ran with it. I'm still running with it (to a fault) and it pays off. God will honor your hard work and diligence. Never give up ya'll. Keep your eye on HIM and let him open those doors and keep him in front of it all.

We all have dreams andhopes but there are only a few who don't give up. I'm telling you to keep your eyes on the prize and the promise and the LOVE from God. We only stewards of the dream anyway. I can take no credit for CWUW but I'm very honored to be steward over the vision. Things are happening with CWUW that I had NOTHING to do with other than just being obedient.

So let me first Honor and give some mad love to the big "G". God is Awesome. His love is powerful.

Know you are loved. KNOW it. KNOW that all things work together for GOOD. Yeah, even that bad stuff can be used to build you up and make you stronger. KNOW that he has given you the power, love and wisdom to set forth the vision in your belly ready to be birthed. Never think its 100% about you but you can recognize that the power is there for you to use. Tap into it.

Love one another, obey God and serve your brother and sister.

Big up God!!

Prince through the years......

Twin Flame

I hear the birds
once again on my windowsill
reminding me of the new day
reminding me that all things are possible
The cool breeze captures a
piece of my soul
wisking it away
as to connect
with my twin flame
in search of the other half
I close my eyes
and I see the other me
beautiful
words are your clay
molding imaginations
visions
the maybes
I exhale knowing
you are there
as my soul still
searches for the other me
the divine masculine
duality
I still hear the birds on
my windowsill
on watch
whispering
you're on your way
twin flame


August 8, 2008 - inspired by reading too much metaphysical stuff last night....



needs so more work.....will modify later. This is the first breath.....

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Conversation with the mirror

Looked in the mirror and allowed her to speak. She noticed how just a glimpse of the sun has already affected my face. She spoke of tired eyes and a worn out dispositon. I told her enough but she quickly hushed me to silence. I listened again. She smiled as she reminded me that I am 40 but no one would know. I grinned. She told me to look at my wide hips, jelly belly and bossom and notice a real woman ....beauty. I giggled.

I wanted to turn away but she said no. My day had been rough. Love sometimes needs to come from within. No need to seek affirmation from others. The mirror said that I need to see the Rhonda God loves and has made perfect. She saw my inner strength blazing through my brown eyes when I could only see as dark circles and aging eyes.

She said to close my eyes and just inhale. Breathe. You are alive and with life there is hope. She told me the embrace my sensuality as a gift to next one who will come to love me. He will be blessed with tender kisses, passion and the fulfillment of his fantasies. I am that woman she said. Love her. Some women want to be what you are. They want to be the mother, temptress, business woman, activist....a woman who so willingly provides love and support to others.

She reminded of my open heart that I've received from my mother. She smiled as she spoke of The Kid. She told me to be proud of the daughter that is at the dawn of womanhood. She said, "good job". My heart was full.

The mirror smiled and I smiled back. She said to enjoy, just simply enjoy whatever, whoever comes. Embrace friendships wholeheartedly. Love without ceasing.

Be authentically Rhonda without apology.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I'm ill not sick...

I'm a Lil Wayne fan. Its a bonding point for me and the Kid. She can blast Lil Wayne and she will hear NO complaining from mom.

My buddy Rusty Redenbacher, local music LEGEND, Greatest of all time (gigglin') done gone and did a mix of 'A Milli' and smashed it. I give love to my talented friends. They are all on their grind and trying to make it happen.

Love ambitious people. Keeps me moving and Russ is on his grind much like my friend Kortez (check his art ya'll). They making it happen.

Redenbacher did well with this one. I HAD to say something about it. Nice joint. Big thangs poppin' for the crew, Mudkids.




Shout out to his blog: http://redenbach.blogspot.com/

Russ will hook up with the free tunes.

"MuthaF***a, I'm ill not sick!"
quote of the day

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Finally getting some rest.....and then....




Some of you many know, I'm learning how to REST again, mind, body, and spirit literally. Last night, I lay down and I actually sleep. I didn't wake up a bunch of times. I was peaceful. I could have been the rain. I LOVE the rain. Its so calming to me. I actually get happy when I know its going to rain. Weird but true.

I'm sleeping but then my mind starts in. I can feel myself thinking about stuff I need to do. UGHHHHHHHHH

I fight it.

I then start thinking about certain people in my cipher and wondering...WHY ARE YOU THERE? but....

I fight it.

Then I feel like something or someone is playing with my feet. I know that sounds weird BUT I am someone that believes spirits do that stuff. I get pissed off and still slightly asleep, I yell, "Leave my feet alone and go away." I try to go back to sleep and I do but now I'm pissy.

When I finally get up, I wake up in a mood. Not necessarily bad but definitely moody. I'm thinking about things, people and stuff I need to rid myself of, I'm looking at Zeus (the dog) as if he did something. He just walked in his crate and sits down like, "That chick is buggin'". I think I woke up a little paranoid. I'm really questioning folks motives. Why are you in my world? What do you REALLY want from me? Are you true? Why do I want YOU in my world?

(sigh)

This is all just moving me towards starting yoga, FINALLY. I need to connect my mind, body and spirit cuz they are all working on their own right now. I know that REST and SLEEP are vital to being healthy and I'm so unhealthy right now because I can't seem to get either one.

I'll try again tonight.

(sigh)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Gettin' my Kimora back....

Kimora with Akoi and Ming....Business woman....mother...


I know there is so many that can't stand Kimora Lee Simmons. I'm not one of them. I can see past the made for TV Diva Bs and I can see the business woman and leader. I had a conversation with a friend who use to be my assistant some years ago and who has come on board to help with CWUW. Last night, she smacked me around and asked where is my Kimora?

What she was saying was that I would lay out the plan and the vision, provide some direction and then say, "Make it happen". I wouldn't worry about it happening but just had EVERY expectation that it will be done, in a timely manner, within the budget given, and completed professionally. Now, I'm so hands on in EVERYTHING. I actually told her that I'm concerned about Syd's open house. She looked at me like....wha? We're talking something that doesn't occur until May of 2009 and I'm already trying to plan it. She reminded me that I have way too many people who will step up to handle it. Why worry NOW?

Cuz I'm crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......

ha

The Valley years had its effects on me, obviously. During that time, I never stopped moving, thinking and planning. I had to plan how I was going to keep the lights on, get food, get a new gig, etc. My brain never stopped working and I can't make it stop working now either. Resting is a big issue for me. I can't do it still. Even in Chicago, I thought about what I had to do when I got home. In prayer and even in meditation, it takes awhile for my mind to rest and I really don't think it calms down completely. Racing. This is deep and serious actually. I have to learn to reduce stress because my body responds. My back and shoulder began to hurt yesterday. My body is telling me NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. :) (had to do it)

I have to STILL address my control issues that seemingly have worsen because of the Valley years (although I have good days too). This is a major factor. Its about trust and control. I'm learning that I'm not very trusting that folks will keep their word, be who they say they are, and not cause me harm. Because I had FAMILY, treat me and Syd negatively during the Valley years, I'm always looking at people and checking them against what they say and do. So I'm proabably afraid to let go some aspects of my life, CWUW, etc because of fear of harm. If I have it in my control, no one can harm it. Oh brother......I'm nutty some days...lol. Its real though.

On the flip side of things, I think that some have an image of me of being STRONG so there are times when I try to vent (which helps to relax anyone), when I try to ask for help or a shoulder to lean on, man, is still hard to find that shoulder who can take me not strong. I have two friends that allow for the breakdown. So its a catch 22....I need to let go and I may need help letting go and sometimes, I need an outlet to let go. People are too quick to tell me they know I'll work it out. I don't always have the answer. So this is the cycle....

THERAPY NEEDED.

I know, right?

Back to gettin' my Kimora on. I'll reach my goals. My vision for both CWUW and Urban Health Management (for profit) will happen. Its always the process with me not the outcome. I had to be reminded in the same way I've always viewed motherhood has Stewardship, CWUW and UHM are the same thing. I have stewardship over this vision. Its God's plan for these things to occur and he is allowing me to make it happen but with me or without me, where will be a CWUW and UHM. Its His plan. So, "gettin' my Kimora back" simply means letting go and allowing the outcome to occur without worrying about the process and having a high expectation it will get done at the level I want.

I actually watch Kimora's show simply to watch this aspect of how she handles business. She expects things to get done and doesn't worry about it. (I know that chyle can be annoying BUT there's something there to learn). At the end of the day, I'm proud of myself. Its not all sour grapes but I need to let go and still keep grindin'. I need to learn to relax. I've gotten my workout routine happening...FINALLY (before I explode....my psychosis talkin'). I have new energy in my world with some new friendships that are very positive. No love connection yet....oh well...cuz that will happen in time (weird how I can let that go huh....therapy. I need it...lol). "The Dude" is gonna be one lucky MF....God bless'em. God is getting him ready. Needs to be a strong man for a focused woman to make the team happen. No lames. Focused Dude who can make it happen for himself first is SEXY. Not interested in being a part of a power couple but a couple with a mission.

"Ambition makes me so horny" - VERY true in my case......

So today.....I'm spending time with my kid. I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE her. She makes me wanna have more kids (yeah, I said it).

I'm going to RELAX today. I promise.

I'm gonna get my Kimora back too....head chick in charge. Ya heard.....

Friday, August 1, 2008

Watch what you ask for....





"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."
Proverbs 18:21 Power of Words....I believe in it. So in prayer, I watch what I say. In meditation, I watch what I meditate upon. In speaking to others, I chose my words carefully. I believe we plant seeds with our words. Ok, so I spoke about something about 9-10 months ago. I was talking with a friend and asked for something specifically from God. She looked at me like I was nutty but was like "yeah ok". I'm not going to say specifically what it was but just say, I got exactly what I wanted. YIKES!! I've made life difficult for myself in all areas of my life. I was complaining to her about this situation and she reminded me of my words over 10 months ago. I sat looking at her saying...WOW....God gave me what I asked for just to prove a point, I think. We need to watch our words. Now this thing isn't SOOOOOOOOO Awful but its annoying as hell.

A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G
Its almost like God is gigglin' about it. It just made me realize that our words, wishes, prayers do manifest in some manner. We need to watch our words all the time. We need to always speak truth. So many people are afraid of Honesty. Its a damn shame really. Speak from your heart. Plant Powerful, Positive seeds and watch them manifest. Watch want happens when you speak negativity, death, dishonesty and ill will......you will reap all of that! I believe if we truly don't move in what our hearts TRULY desires for our lives (in our employment, family, relationships, future, careers, etc) we reap negativity. We reap unhappiness. Watch your words. Watch what you ask for. God has a sense of humor. :)