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Year of Me

I know everyone is doing there "so long" to 2010 blog. Here is mine. What did 2010 bring me? What does reflection reveal? How should I move into 2011 with the knowledge of what I've learned?

I'm actually not really wanting to look back but not because of anything negative. This has been a balanced year, ups and downs, something better known as Life.  I want to do better at looking ahead. I want to embrace possibilities and dreams and visions and be wrapped in the hope that comes.

2011 will bring more living and I want to have a better attitude about how to live better.


I have an interesting task ahead.  For me, its not about how to handle hardships. Its about handling the good times and creating a space for beauty to be birthed and grow around me. I don't need to take on the world and prove I'm strong. I am. Its that simple. I'm assured of the visions for my future PROFESSIONALLY.


What about Rhonda?

2010, I did nothing to create FUN for myself.  Nothing. …

Bahhumbug

Its Christmas.  I've seen all the usual suspects - The Christmas slogans. "Jesus is the reason for the season", Merry CHRISTmas, blah, blah, blah. 

I understand the celebration of the birth of Christ and why people want to keep that on the forefront of every ones mind but it also seems to go against the purpose and meaning of the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.  He would have never wanted a day in celebration of Himself but of others and for it to happen daily. Let's every day celebrate each other and the love of this Christian Deity, this great man, this great LOVE.

Our world is becoming more and more evil and yet more and more religious. Its confusing. I pray that on May 5th, we offer love the same way.  On July 23rd, we feed the hungry.  On September, 18th we celebrate the Love of the Christ. 

Celebrate but celebrate tomorrow and next month, and next year. This Spirit should never go away.

Healing through Music, Art, and Friendship!

Death Becomes Her: HIV/AIDS

What is this ad about? Kim Kardashian? Death? Designer dresses? Coffin Sale?
This ad is suppose to make you think and care about HIV/AIDS. You are suppose to care that you will not be able to tweet or have facebook contact with your favorite celebrity.

#FAIL

HIV/AIDS is too important put more emphasis on a celebrity than the issue itself. To use DEATH in this manner is misguided.

World AIDS Day is December 1, 2010 Visit http://www.aids.gov for an event and testing site near you.


Amel Larrieux- Weary

I AM this SONG

This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I’m made of stone
So I won’t end up with no broken bones
I can’t fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song
(repeat)

whomever said love was overrated
must not be getting’ none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin’ day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard

The Morning After

After my blog the other day, I received lots of love and even sadness which I didn't expect.  I really don't know what reaction I expected because I did it for me.  What I've realized is that honesty and transparency is scary for some. I'm not bothered about what you know about me. I'm bothered by what I don't know about myself.  Its all a spiritual thing.  Its a God thing. Its a Universe thing.  I listen. I respond. I'm obedient.  I do what I hear and I was told to purge via the blog, to release.  Sometimes the effects are unexpected and even negative but its about being obedient to my spirit.

I greatly appreciate those who reached out to me with kind words and who were full of understanding. Thank you.  This is just the first days to a life of happiness and fulfillment but I have to wash away the muck. I'm seeking the freedom of my soul.  I meant every word and its liberating.  My journey is for my purpose and its all good. I understand God.  I've…

Who am I: Looking for my own rainbow......

This morning, I woke up thinking. I had mad thoughts racing through my mind about "Who is Rhonda?"  Its a question I continue to ask.  For ColoredGirlsstill fresh on my mind as I've examined my confusion of who I've become. I don't really know.
I don't know who this person is that I carry around daily. I remember someone else, happier, more pleased with her smile, her style, her flow, her focus.  Today, I miss her. I wear an outer shell of this confusion, my body.  I can teach the world to eat, move, love and those steps are being lost on my own journey, my own poetry. This outer shell tells the story.  It tells the story of being kicked, smacked. It tells the story of being called dumb and told my dreams are foolish. It tells a story of longing for closeness from a father that doesn't know how to be close. It tells the story of repeated death and loss.  It tells the story of mistrust and dishonesty.   I'm wearing this outer shell of hurt and pain, of…

For Colored Girls: Seeing Red

After being very vocal about being Tyler Perry a less than favorite choice to direct an adaption of Ntozake Shange's "For Colored Girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf" or better known now as "For Colored Girls", I watched the movie feeling empty. I've seen myself in the colors of orange and green. I've empathized with the browns in my life. I know yellow and I know blue. Then there is RED.


I could spend time examining the issues I had with the movie. I could also celebrate the power of dynamic words used to express OUR stories of various hues, depths, and struggles. The color red, Janet Jackson's character, disturbed me. This development of this character reeks of Perry's own personal agenda. He wanted to talk about the down low situation. He wanted to bring in HIV and so he did.  In spite of Janet's less than wonderful acting abilities, I was interested in how her story would play itself out. I heard about her. This wo…
deep rooted
manic
insanity ensues
grasping at doses
of normalcy
Walking through my past
on the other side
of it all
lost
drawn
aching
Yet feeling all things
will come to peaceful
resolve

Looking to the heavens
as a dove
lays wait
again on
my windowsill
seeing hope
through the clouds
seeing new
things in the rain
Knowing that
the right answer will
come from above
Let my spirit be guided
through the
insanity

Laying wait until
it all comes to pass
when the Divine answers
the pending question
embrace the truth
pushing sadness aside
no matter how much
its taken over
Hope is the light
of all things
Love covers all
being the filthy rag
I've become

love and hope
wins.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/clevacleva/blog?page=4#ixzz14Gx5sVlA
Would it be so arrogant to say
that I am Perfection?
that's not to say that I am perfect
But I am as the Milky Way
the sun, the moon, the shooting star
I am the open sky
the steaming rain, the tornado and the chilled winters day
I am Perfection
beautified, flowing and real
smarts matched with seductive wiles
libidinal energies touching your soul
I know how to move you with simple words and
parted lips I make you want
me
I am Perfection
independently I stand for more than
going green and the new social trends
Motherhood singularly I stand
still fighting for and believing in Fatherhood
Fists and fros and nappy hair
dark skinned blackness
Revolution is in my soul
I am purposed
I am Perfection

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/clevacleva/blog?page=2#ixzz14Gpz2VEy
Would it be so arrogant to say
that I am Perfection?
that's not to say that I am perfect
But I am as the Milky Way
the sun, the moon, the shooting star
I am the open sky
the steaming rain, the tornado and the chilled winters day
I am Perfection
beautified, flowing and real
smarts matched with seductive wiles
libidinal energies touching your soul
I know how to move you with simple words and
parted lips I make you want
me
I am Perfection
independently I stand for more than
going green and the new social trends
Motherhood singularly I stand
still fighting for and believing in Fatherhood
Fists and fros and nappy hair
dark skinned blackness
Revolution is in my soul
I am purposed
I am Perfection

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/clevacleva/blog?page=2#ixzz14Gpz2VEy

Sound

Wrestling with the emotions
of streaming thoughts
as the sea moans
with displeasure
of the winds
the twisted mindset
moves away from
sweet words
dripping
from lying
lips
Walking towards light
as I awaken from a slumber
of loneliness
confused by my solitude
something embraced as needed
but quiet moments
reminders of emptiness
Can I arise beautiful?
Moving forth in perfection
knowing my past is no
more than a stepping stones
to strength
let me be
no more confused

sound

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/clevacleva/blog?page=2#ixzz14GpGr2FT
Thinking about the sands of time
you know Days of our Lives
soap opera type of stuff
on that drama type of thing
daily watching
the "stories"
twists and turns
lies and manipulations
never being your fault
but wait
its just like sands through the
hour glass
One life to live madness
funny the names the give these shows
as empty as a broken promise
again and again
why do we lose our minds in
nonsense
The guiding light
because it would take a
soap opera for me
to believe the bullshit
again.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/clevacleva/blog#ixzz14GnoA6De
Never afraid to love
its just the possibility of being loved back
its where the fear sets in
how will you love me
open fists
or a gentle kiss

Green eYEs

Black Girl Blues

If I could play an instrument and write a tune, I would pull from the ancestors: my grandmothers twisted fists, my mothers tears of self hatred, my aunts'  heartbreak of lost loves, blackened eyes, cries....loud cries of birthing the next breed of little black girls.  This tune would be called,
"Black Girl Blues".

I'm sure you have your own song, your own little diddy to write. If you're a black girl, you have a song that's familiar to every other black girl. Our song starts off with hope. All we know is, we are here and we are to be loved and  to be kissed by the Sun. We want to dance to the vibrations of our hearts and souls. We are little goddesses. We are here......

This knowing, this birthright....changes. Our tune.....changes.  Our natural sassy ways are sexualized. We are told we are being "fast" when we are just being girls. We are just mimicking our mommas, aunts, and Big mommas too. We want to be like them. We watch them. We say, "We…

Being me. Being Free.

How did we develop a society that doesn't allow people to just be who they are?


Even at 42, I'm still fighting to be my authentic self. I've finally grown to a place where I'm good with me, the good things and the messy stuff.  I understand it all.  I'm hardwired to be introverted, overly loving and concerned, strong, sensitive, focused, and driven.  It can make for an odd combo but I understand it as I work at being and living the very reason for my creation. It works...for me. 

Its sad that we have young people killing themselves because they can't be who they are. We can look to all aspects of society for contributing to this underlying, unnerving weight on our spirits that we are somehow 'not right'.  We are all "Can't get right" it seems. We don't live in the right neighborhoods. We don't have the right religion. We don't have a big enough ass. We don't have the right skin tone.  We don't have the right gender. We…

Domestic Violence: The moment I heard her scream

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 
I have been a victim of domestic violence. I have had a man hit me and abuse me mentally AND I stayed.  I've been her.


I dated a man who was a womanizer. He repeatedly cheated. I knew it. I was very aware because as a part of his abuse, he made it known.I stayed. I stayed when he told me I wasn't very attractive. I remember when we were at a club in Cleveland. I was getting a lot of attention and he turned to me and said, "I don't get what they are seeing."  I stayed.  There was a day when we were moving from one condo to another in the same complex. He had a friend come by to help us. This entire time he bragged to his friend about how after he moved us into this condo that he was going to see this other woman.  The friend looked at me, I looked at him. It was as if the friend as so much pity for me."Rhonda, where is the iron?" The friend stayed to help make sure I had everything moved and everything I nee…

Why Willow is important?

We can argue all day long about her talent. We can even agree that she has access that the average person doesn't have [but its not her fault that her parents are who they are]. And we need to see the importance of a little girl who tells her mother, "I want to be free".  At nine, Willow embodies confidence that women my age are in therapy to obtain and yet its adults that talk about her ears, her hair, and her clothes.

This little girls loves herself and wants to celebrate it. I love it. I love seeing a little black girl saying she's cool in her skin. Its a very important message of empowerment for girls everywhere.

As written on the board in the "Whip Ya Hair" video - 

I pledge to be brave
I pledge to always give my best
I pledge to respect myself and all those around me
I pledge to be willing to learn and experience new things
I pledge to not be afraid to dream big and go for it
I pledge to be a WARRIORETE/WARRIOR




I'd rather for my daughter to whip …

P90X Day 1

Day 1 - Done.

Third Eye

I had a Dream to Awaken my Third Eye and to Use it. 
As a Christian who believes in a direct experience with God [mysticism], this doesn't surprise me to have a dream such as this but I know that there would be others of the Christian faith who would give caution to such dreams. 
In Christian mysticism, meditation is embraced.  Its about finding a deeper experience and connection with the Creator.  I am thankful for the Dream. It helped me to realize I'm on the right path. 

The Cycle of the Day

Have you ever had those days where it cycles up and downs, the highs are high and the lows and somewhere down in hell waving at Satan's mean ass.


Clearly, I was off my mark, out of sync,  not with flow of the Universe and all that she required yesterday.  It wasn't a life changing day but it was an annoyance,  of small little, "blech", moments.  It was as if there was a spirit assigned just to throw pebbles, not to harm, but to keep my mind off the goal and then in between those points, good moments, good conversations, smiles. Bipolar like a mug.

I'm glad Tuesday is gone forever. Somethings have changed forever and some things have been birthed.


whatta day, whatta day.

Random thought: Toleration

A very uncomfortable feeling is that of toleration, someone enduring your presence because of moral obligation of some sort. Through discernment, a person would know and feel this and most likely feel insulted. Be accepting. Examine why there is a dislike for a situation or person, then look to resolve that issue.

tHe BaiT: Fear and Complacency

We see what is happening.  We do nothing.  We complain. We scream. We even kill ourselves and each other.



At some point, someone told us we can't.  Someone said, we are limited. A mystery force opened its mouth and said No and we listened. 


We start to say, its [they] and [them]; that did this to us but is OUR children who can't read. It is us who live beyond our means. It is us who choose to stay blinded.

The trickery is the line laid out of us.  It is understood that we are being coerced into believing fairy tales of what success should be and is. It has been laid out that some neighborhoods will have better schools, better grocery stores, better housing. Trickery doesn't mean we are to be so easily tricked.  Even after being beat down, some slaves knew freedom was still a possibility but America is made up of millions upon millions who don't know they are slaves, to paraphrase Harriett.


Keep one eye open on governmental mind games and the other on our communities. …
There are days when isolation seems to be like a perfect heaven

no noise, no unkind words to cut my heart


no human beings believing they have the right harm, hurt, and hinder

Alone seems to be a like a destination of calm and beauty that still never leads to loneliness

Today.

Leave me alone.

Get ya Mind Right: Mental Health

This week is National Suicide Prevention week and not that I've been thinking about committing suicide but I have been thinking about the topic.

A very well respected community leader committed suicide last week.  I attended his memorial service and I was so moved, confused, and sadden. This was a man that has served people globally and yet decided it was time to go.  I can't say that this person had some underlying mental illness. I don't know. I don't know what was on his heart and why he chose this time to leave but he did.


Mental wellness is the last frontier of health.  Even with the mind, body, spirit concept, the body and the spirit get much attention while leaving the mind left alone as if its not a part of the equation.  We think about our bodies in terms of what the scale says and we think about our spirit in terms of what god we serve but miss the connection with the mind.  Being mentally well effects everything we do, believe, and how we live.


It is easy …

Live From The Color Complex, Part 1

Live From The Color Complex, Part 1

Please read the above blog.[click]
I can tell of the story of a mother, beautiful and alive, but told she was "black and ugly" for most of her childhood.
I loved this blog.

I'll share my mother's story another day.

Telling me things...

my eyes grow tired
mind still races
God sends messages of correction
and focus
directing my prayers to and fro
mostly about one
telling me more things than I want to know
but I pray

my mind grows tired
my shoulders ache
God tells me to pray more
things never look like they seem
especially about one
wanting to be ok with, thinking and even daydreaming
but I meditate

[to be continued]

Katrina: Remember.

Beauty is where you find it...

I woke up this morning sick. Can't breathe. Chest hurts. 

But on my mind, streaming like a movie......"Beauty is where you find it!"
[scratches head]
I quickly realized that I had not channeled Madonna but God is telling me something but what?
First, what is Beauty?  I've always said that I would rather be perceived as "Beautiful" than "Pretty" any day.  Pretty is fixed. Its stationary. Its...well....boring.  Beauty can be packaged in so many ways. Its diverse.  Its magical. Its wondrous.

Looking through your own lens of life.....what do you see? Where do you find Beauty?

To Some, there's no difference in this thing called "Pretty" and "Beauty".  Its the same. Its all about the aesthetic. Its mostly visual and based on some deep brainwashing. Only a certain look, hair, skin tone, weight, and flair needs to apply.  Personality and spirit are secondary. 

For me, Beauty is deeper.  Beauty is how a person views the world.  Beauty is…

I think I feel in love with.....

thoughts and thangs

More dreams about waiting on God and allowing him to do all and be all.


But yo, wait....I'm a workaholic.  I'm a doer. Just let me....right?

This is the oddest revelation that's come to me this week. I've truly have rested. I've enjoyed every moment on some level. I've embraced the huge possiblity of moving and yet God needs to tell me to "let go 100%". 

100%?  This doesn't fit well with my control issues. They are feeling WEIRD and concerned.  Can God handle this on HIS own? I mean, I know me.   I am me, right? hmmmmm....ok. 

Back to Indy.  Letting God do HIS thing.....[crosses fingers]

;)

More than a Super Hero - A Woman

Just a quick little blog.  I'm in my most favorite place on Earth, NYC. I'm enjoying my friends and the City.

I've enjoyed meeting new friends, helping others with their dreams, and RESTING. 

A revelation from the trip: I need to let the Rhonda light shine more. I'm more than CWUW, Social Networker, HIV/AIDS activist, and even Mother.  I'm cool.  No really....I'm really a cool chick but I hide it. I hide it behind my work ethic.  I hide behind my focus.  Why? I'm waiting for Part Deux of this revelation to occur but I had a dream that made me think to.....slow down and enjoy all parts of ME and allow God to do HIS thing.

The Dream:

In my car and the brakes go out. I can't even switch it to drive. I can't turn the steering wheel....I had NO control.

Freaky but I understood the dream.  Let go Rhon. Be Free.  Enjoy who you are. I'm fly. :) 

You should know me.

Essence Magazine's White Girl

I'm listening to some of the best intellectuals we have in Black culture make their cases for why Essence magazine has done a bad thing.  I'm reading women and men screaming out about this injustice of our beloved magazine hiring a white woman as the Fashion Director.  Normally, you would see me ready to go to battle over any injustice, any issue where I can see that one group will be held down, held back from being able to actively participate equal at the table.

I'm not ready for battle. 

Black's only?

 Is the issue simply around her being white  or do we know more about her qualifications for being a fashion editor? I understand the disappointment and anger about this but I'm concerned that we've solely wrapped this commentary around her whiteness and not included any discussion about work history and qualifications. Admittedly, I haven't stayed up on this particular issue with Essence other than the immediate responses given once the word got out about …