Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Year of Me

I know everyone is doing there "so long" to 2010 blog. Here is mine. What did 2010 bring me? What does reflection reveal? How should I move into 2011 with the knowledge of what I've learned?

I'm actually not really wanting to look back but not because of anything negative. This has been a balanced year, ups and downs, something better known as Life.  I want to do better at looking ahead. I want to embrace possibilities and dreams and visions and be wrapped in the hope that comes.

2011 will bring more living and I want to have a better attitude about how to live better.


I have an interesting task ahead.  For me, its not about how to handle hardships. Its about handling the good times and creating a space for beauty to be birthed and grow around me. I don't need to take on the world and prove I'm strong. I am. Its that simple. I'm assured of the visions for my future PROFESSIONALLY.


What about Rhonda?

2010, I did nothing to create FUN for myself.  Nothing. This is where change will come. I am important, loving, funny, and fun.  Its in me.  The folks around me, still only know Rhonda of CWUW, Rhonda of Damien but not Rhonda with major sarcasm, who loves a good debate, who loves to dance until she's hot and sweaty, who loves music more than air.  2011, I want to feel pretty again.  I want to use my wiles to seduce (giggle). I want to be reminded that I am a sexy, attractive woman without being afraid of saying and showing it.  I can be so caught up in the image of CWUW and Damien that I lose me.  I matter now and in 2011.

My co-worker said 2011 is the Year of Me. How great is that?!  Me.  ME.

I'm going to release the beast in 2011.  As I move into this next year, my goals, my focus are all about ME.  I don't think anyone has seen Rhonda is awhile.  So there's no resolutions about how I will do anything with CWUW to make it greater or better.  I'm not making any promises on how Damien will grow into being this or that.  I'm going to love on ME in 2011.   I'm going to try a little selfishness without harm to others. 

I can say that 2010 was what a year is suppose to be. It was a year of challenges and opportunities, death and birth, surprises and smiles.   I'm sure 2011 will be all of that but with a very vibrate thang once called "Cleva", known as rhonny, and is completely, fully......just Rhonda.


Have a wonderful 2011.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Bahhumbug

Its Christmas.  I've seen all the usual suspects - The Christmas slogans. "Jesus is the reason for the season", Merry CHRISTmas, blah, blah, blah. 

I understand the celebration of the birth of Christ and why people want to keep that on the forefront of every ones mind but it also seems to go against the purpose and meaning of the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.  He would have never wanted a day in celebration of Himself but of others and for it to happen daily. Let's every day celebrate each other and the love of this Christian Deity, this great man, this great LOVE.

Our world is becoming more and more evil and yet more and more religious. Its confusing. I pray that on May 5th, we offer love the same way.  On July 23rd, we feed the hungry.  On September, 18th we celebrate the Love of the Christ. 

Celebrate but celebrate tomorrow and next month, and next year. This Spirit should never go away.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Death Becomes Her: HIV/AIDS

 What is this ad about?
Kim Kardashian?
Death?
Designer dresses?
Coffin Sale?

This ad is suppose to make you think and care about HIV/AIDS.
You are suppose to care that you will not be able to
tweet or have facebook
contact with your favorite celebrity.


#FAIL


HIV/AIDS is too important put more emphasis on a celebrity than the issue itself.
To use DEATH in this manner is misguided.


World AIDS Day is December 1, 2010
for an event and testing site near you.



Friday, November 26, 2010

Amel Larrieux- Weary



I AM this SONG

This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I’m made of stone
So I won’t end up with no broken bones
I can’t fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song
(repeat)

whomever said love was overrated
must not be getting’ none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin’ day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard

Me'Shell NdegéOcello - Fool of Me




foolish crushes, foolish smiles, foolish gestures.....

Thursday, November 25, 2010

i've seen the future and it will be...

The Morning After

After my blog the other day, I received lots of love and even sadness which I didn't expect.  I really don't know what reaction I expected because I did it for me.  What I've realized is that honesty and transparency is scary for some. I'm not bothered about what you know about me. I'm bothered by what I don't know about myself.  Its all a spiritual thing.  Its a God thing. Its a Universe thing.  I listen. I respond. I'm obedient.  I do what I hear and I was told to purge via the blog, to release.  Sometimes the effects are unexpected and even negative but its about being obedient to my spirit.

I greatly appreciate those who reached out to me with kind words and who were full of understanding. Thank you.  This is just the first days to a life of happiness and fulfillment but I have to wash away the muck. I'm seeking the freedom of my soul.  I meant every word and its liberating.  My journey is for my purpose and its all good. I understand God.  I've stepped up for this and its really all good.

I'm very grateful and I'm good.  I looked at the woman in the mirror.  More should do the same.

clevawords.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Who am I: Looking for my own rainbow......

This morning, I woke up thinking. I had mad thoughts racing through my mind about "Who is Rhonda?"  Its a question I continue to ask.  For Colored Girls still fresh on my mind as I've examined my confusion of who I've become. I don't really know.

I don't know who this person is that I carry around daily. I remember someone else, happier, more pleased with her smile, her style, her flow, her focus.  Today, I miss her. I wear an outer shell of this confusion, my body.  I can teach the world to eat, move, love and those steps are being lost on my own journey, my own poetry. This outer shell tells the story.  It tells the story of being kicked, smacked. It tells the story of being called dumb and told my dreams are foolish. It tells a story of longing for closeness from a father that doesn't know how to be close. It tells the story of repeated death and loss.  It tells the story of mistrust and dishonesty.   I'm wearing this outer shell of hurt and pain, of womanizing, of sexual exploits.   Every pound is a like a layer of clothing smothering the woman I use to know and be. I miss her.

I sat on the floor of my office approximately two weeks ago and cried. I longed for her. I cried as my stomach ached in pain confessing my death to my dearest sister/friend.  It was truly a confession repeating over and over, "I don't know me."  Just in that phrase I knew I am an abused woman.  I am a suffering woman.  I am a depressed woman. I'm a grieving woman.  I've put on these layers so that the world could not see me anymore.  Maybe if you can't see me, you can't hurt me. You can't demand me to be something I'm not.  You will stay away. You will not claim to love me then hurt me. Each pound a reflection of mental illness. I no longer purge but I've traded the euphoric feeling of bulimia with workaholism with food still being a passive lover.  Rhonda is known for being a hard worker.  Just this past weekend when I spoke with my aunt, I told her I had to attempt to write a grant. Her response I connected with.  "Rhonda, you're always working."  It was said with pity and I noticed. It sadden me.

I wonder if I'm a walking build board of hypocrisy as I lay down the foundation of a nonprofit to teach women and their families about balanced living when I know my own life is on full tilt.  My eyes are wide open. I know the path to health. I know the steps to freedom but I'm admittedly in some bondage.  I want Rhonda back. I need to have more to me than a great work ethic, great ideas for change.  Maybe it isn't about getting her back but allowing her to live and breathe again. I've lost my FREEDOM.  She needs CPR. She needs to heal from abuse that she thought she could so easily walk away from because she is that cliche`, a so-called Strong Black Woman.  She is here. I feel the labor pains of a rebirth but I need midwives and hand holding through this delivery.  I'm a motherless child and I feel that loss daily but I know there's power in being here without the physical love of a mother. There is hope.  Its time to peel the layers off.  Its time to prepare for this rebirth.  My spirit connects with the Spirit who woke me up this morning with all of this on my heart to release unto the Universe.  This is my confession.  I am greatness. I'm an eagle who has to be reminded she is an eagle.  I am greatness.  I'm a lioness who has lost her fierce roar. God has revealed my latter will be greater than my former and it starts with a confession.  I am still  know my rainbow is on the horizon. I must first deal with the rain. 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Not a writer.

When reading Clevawords, please note, I don't claim to be a writer. I'm just one woman with an opinion, with emotion, with personal insight.

enjoy.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

For Colored Girls: Seeing Red

After being very vocal about being Tyler Perry a less than favorite choice to direct an adaption of Ntozake Shange's "For Colored Girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf" or better known now as "For Colored Girls", I watched the movie feeling empty. I've seen myself in the colors of orange and green. I've empathized with the browns in my life. I know yellow and I know blue. Then there is RED.


I could spend time examining the issues I had with the movie. I could also celebrate the power of dynamic words used to express OUR stories of various hues, depths, and struggles. The color red, Janet Jackson's character, disturbed me. This development of this character reeks of Perry's own personal agenda. He wanted to talk about the down low situation. He wanted to bring in HIV and so he did.  In spite of Janet's less than wonderful acting abilities, I was interested in how her story would play itself out. I heard about her. This would speak to the professional black woman: busy, cold, unemotional, and troubled.  She can't relate to other women or her man. I feel like she was plucked from one of those youtube clips that have gone viral, laid out on my Facebook news feed for me to embrace as real, a reflection of who black women have become. RED.

Her husband is on the proverbial "down low".  [sigh]  Understand this. I co-facilitated a workshop with J.L.King before he wrote the book, "On the Down Low". I've done radio shows with them. I understand this issue.  I was disappointed that this was presented in this manner.  Black women and HIV is a serious issue but data does not support the notion that women are getting HIV from bisexual black men.  Perry went for dramatics and not responsibility. In the HIV/AIDS field, we have had to rework, undo, and convince women that they are not victims of HIV and bisexual men but they are ultimately responsible for their sexual health.

But then there's the cough. 

Who told Janet to cough to display she was "sick"?  We are not in the 80's. I was pissed. We do so much to reduce stigma around HIV/AIDS.  Was she suppose to have an AIDS diagnosis? Irresponsible but it was Perry wanting this storyline to happen.  He wanted this in but did more harm in my opinion.  He tried to counter it with Loretta's character teaching about HIV to a group of women its appreciated but that can't stand up against the dramatic HIV/down low moment.  Irresponsible. Maybe I can't appreciate the attempt. I believe his intent was to be relevant with this story. I was angered. RED.

At the end of the day, its not about Tyler's movie but Shange's masterful work which pushes through Mr. Perry's limited abilities. Every time I hear the poetry, my spirit connects and responds with tears, sighs, and memories.  My rainbow, sometimes, wasn't enough so I'm at least thankful that women who would have never picked up Ntozake's work can at least have somewhat an experience of seeing themselves in Perry's take on For Colored Girls.   There's so much more I could say and want to say but this is enuf.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

deep rooted
manic
insanity ensues
grasping at doses
of normalcy
Walking through my past
on the other side
of it all
lost
drawn
aching
Yet feeling all things
will come to peaceful
resolve

Looking to the heavens
as a dove
lays wait
again on
my windowsill
seeing hope
through the clouds
seeing new
things in the rain
Knowing that
the right answer will
come from above
Let my spirit be guided
through the
insanity

Laying wait until
it all comes to pass
when the Divine answers
the pending question
embrace the truth
pushing sadness aside
no matter how much
its taken over
Hope is the light
of all things
Love covers all
being the filthy rag
I've become

love and hope
wins.
Would it be so arrogant to say
that I am Perfection?
that's not to say that I am perfect
But I am as the Milky Way
the sun, the moon, the shooting star
I am the open sky
the steaming rain, the tornado and the chilled winters day
I am Perfection
beautified, flowing and real
smarts matched with seductive wiles
libidinal energies touching your soul
I know how to move you with simple words and
parted lips I make you want
me
I am Perfection
independently I stand for more than
going green and the new social trends
Motherhood singularly I stand
still fighting for and believing in Fatherhood
Fists and fros and nappy hair
dark skinned blackness
Revolution is in my soul
I am purposed
I am Perfection

Would it be so arrogant to say
that I am Perfection?
that's not to say that I am perfect
But I am as the Milky Way
the sun, the moon, the shooting star
I am the open sky
the steaming rain, the tornado and the chilled winters day
I am Perfection
beautified, flowing and real
smarts matched with seductive wiles
libidinal energies touching your soul
I know how to move you with simple words and
parted lips I make you want
me
I am Perfection
independently I stand for more than
going green and the new social trends
Motherhood singularly I stand
still fighting for and believing in Fatherhood
Fists and fros and nappy hair
dark skinned blackness
Revolution is in my soul
I am purposed
I am Perfection

Sound

Wrestling with the emotions
of streaming thoughts
as the sea moans
with displeasure
of the winds
the twisted mindset
moves away from
sweet words
dripping
from lying
lips
Walking towards light
as I awaken from a slumber
of loneliness
confused by my solitude
something embraced as needed
but quiet moments
reminders of emptiness
Can I arise beautiful?
Moving forth in perfection
knowing my past is no
more than a stepping stones
to strength
let me be
no more confused

sound
Thinking about the sands of time
you know Days of our Lives
soap opera type of stuff
on that drama type of thing
daily watching
the "stories"
twists and turns
lies and manipulations
never being your fault
but wait
its just like sands through the
hour glass
One life to live madness
funny the names the give these shows
as empty as a broken promise
again and again
why do we lose our minds in
nonsense
The guiding light
because it would take a
soap opera for me
to believe the bullshit
again.

nice.
hard to be
nice.

care.
hard to
care.

be.
hard to just
be.
Never afraid to love
its just the possibility of being loved back
its where the fear sets in
how will you love me
open fists
or a gentle kiss

Green eYEs





Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Exclusive! Listen To PRINCE Live Now! New York, Are You Ready?!?

Exclusive! Listen To PRINCE Live Now! New York, Are You Ready?!?


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Click to listen!! Prince. Live. Killing it!

Black Girl Blues

If I could play an instrument and write a tune, I would pull from the ancestors: my grandmothers twisted fists, my mothers tears of self hatred, my aunts'  heartbreak of lost loves, blackened eyes, cries....loud cries of birthing the next breed of little black girls.  This tune would be called,
"Black Girl Blues".

I'm sure you have your own song, your own little diddy to write. If you're a black girl, you have a song that's familiar to every other black girl. Our song starts off with hope. All we know is, we are here and we are to be loved and  to be kissed by the Sun. We want to dance to the vibrations of our hearts and souls. We are little goddesses. We are here......

This knowing, this birthright....changes. Our tune.....changes.  Our natural sassy ways are sexualized. We are told we are being "fast" when we are just being girls. We are just mimicking our mommas, aunts, and Big mommas too. We want to be like them. We watch them. We say, "We are you". We say, 'this is me'. But told, no, no...don't be like Big momma. Don't have too much sassy. Don't be a little black girl.

We grow. We grow. As momma tells us not to be so sassy, Uncle Tommy notices. Uncle Tommy tells us he noticed the switch in our ass.He says we too pretty to be his niece.   He tells us that we can be as sassy as we wanna be especially for a fee....maybe some candy or maybe Uncle Tommy will take you to your favorite store...for a fee. Little black girl with too much sassy in your ass, let Uncle Tommy have his way. Let him make you into...a little black girl...confused by love, confused by touch, confused by trust. Momma said you lied about Uncle Tommy cuz you got too much sassy in your ass.  Don't be a little black girl.

Where is the love? Where is the love? Love....the love I received when my face first met creation. The love when I received a smile and a gentle kiss from my mother's tender lips, where can it be? I begin to seek a new definition of me, outside of what I feel I should be.  My God, my Yah has said, "Let her be"....Let her be chocolate with tightly curled hair THEY would call nappy. Let her have beautifully made thick lips and a wide nose designed to take in the air of life. Let her be made in my image.  Let her be. Let her be. So here I be but where am I? I look around to have this world to help to define who I am and I don't see me.  Something called a kardashian mimicking what Yah has said is the beginning of all women, an African creation.  I see lil kims and a minaj longing to be a doll made by Matel.  Should this be me? Is this what a little black girl should become? Blued eyed beauty? Just by its name....relaxer...says my hair is too stressed....not right. Call me Barbie. Not Foxy Brown or Cleopatra Jones.  Don't call me Makeda, Queen of Sheba.  Let me believe that my beauty is secondary.  Keep me hidden. Don't let the world know there is more of me, than of Barbie.  Little black girl, you are black and you are a girl. You have too much sassy.  Don't be a little black girl.

Seek and you shall find. I look for Love. JESUS. The pastor says, JESUS will help me find my way.  He will get rid of the sassy.  He will wash away the evil in my soul that spoke the language of an uncle's weakness. He said Auntie just wasn't satisfying his needs. Pastor says, JESUS will take it away.  JESUS will provide.  JESUS will send LOVE.  No need to seek love from your momma black girl.  You don't need no friends. JESUS is all you need. Pastor says so.  Pastor says I will find LOVE here. I will find a good CHRISTIAN MAN if I just be a good little black girl and let JESUS take care of me.  Because of pain, I see LOVE in any man that says more than 3 Hallelujahs and calls himself Deacon.  "Do you go to bible study?", I ask.   If I love you in the Lawd, I can LOVE you with my body and JESUS will take the sin away.  The CHURCH will save this little black girl from the evil world.  I will find LOVE here.  My sassy ways can be washed away with the blood of JESUS. No more sinful sassy. Don't be a little black girl.

In the church, I've learned more about my inner song. I've learned to hum a new tune. My LOVE continues to be between my thighs it seems but no more giving away my spirit to find something I had at my birth. I will focus on me. This little black girl will become educated. I will focus on my life. I will be all that I can be and should be. Career. Education. I am woman. Degrees. Degrees. Degrees. Look at me now. I am the American dream. Own my home. Make the money. Career is all mine. mine. mine. mine. My sassy ways turn bitter has a tortoise shell. Its my protection. Its my guard. Its a good thing I say and I pray. Its a good thing I say and I pray. Its a good thing I say and I pray.  Right? As the tortoise dies, the shell remains, hollow and alone. I've wanted love. I've sought it from blood, my family, the blood of JESUS...I don't want no more blood. No more hurt. No more pain.  My single hood is examined, criticized and I'm blamed. I am too sassy. I'm too educated. I'm too focused. Why be you? Your sassy ways are the reason why there are little black boys locked behind bars. Remember, you are the first teacher. You were too busy being perfect. You forgot about the little black boys.  Don't be a little black girl.


The blues are in my soul. I write a new song daily as I rediscover that little black girl who only knew the Creators love, the Sun on her face. She has no need to be measured to lighter, whiter skin. Her power is that she lives and breathes daily rewriting her tune. Her blues isn't sad but real. Her sassy is a blade of grass. It is earth. She was chosen to give birth to the world. She was chosen to give birth to the Son of Man. She was chosen to give birth to white, yellow, red, and brown. Why wouldn't you all want to be a little black girl.






Be a little black girl.

Be a little black girl.

Be a little black girl.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Being me. Being Free.

How did we develop a society that doesn't allow people to just be who they are?


Even at 42, I'm still fighting to be my authentic self. I've finally grown to a place where I'm good with me, the good things and the messy stuff.  I understand it all.  I'm hardwired to be introverted, overly loving and concerned, strong, sensitive, focused, and driven.  It can make for an odd combo but I understand it as I work at being and living the very reason for my creation. It works...for me. 

Its sad that we have young people killing themselves because they can't be who they are. We can look to all aspects of society for contributing to this underlying, unnerving weight on our spirits that we are somehow 'not right'.  We are all "Can't get right" it seems. We don't live in the right neighborhoods. We don't have the right religion. We don't have a big enough ass. We don't have the right skin tone.  We don't have the right gender. We don't have the right sexual orientation.

Be Free. Let others Be Free.

We should all live a life where our mantras should cry out, "Do others no harm!" 

Let's stop hurting each other. Love one another....daily.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Domestic Violence: The moment I heard her scream

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 

I have been a victim of domestic violence. I have had a man hit me and abuse me mentally AND I stayed.  I've been her.


I dated a man who was a womanizer. He repeatedly cheated. I knew it. I was very aware because as a part of his abuse, he made it known. I stayed. I stayed when he told me I wasn't very attractive. I remember when we were at a club in Cleveland. I was getting a lot of attention and he turned to me and said, "I don't get what they are seeing."  I stayed.  There was a day when we were moving from one condo to another in the same complex. He had a friend come by to help us. This entire time he bragged to his friend about how after he moved us into this condo that he was going to see this other woman.  The friend looked at me, I looked at him. It was as if the friend as so much pity for me."Rhonda, where is the iron?" The friend stayed to help make sure I had everything moved and everything I needed. The friend leaves the condo and go I sit on the couch.  My daughter was about 7 years old at this time.  We had boxes all over the place. I was tired.  I sat on the couch in a daze as I watch him get ready to go see this woman.   At some point, he needed the iron.  He says,   I tell him I don't know and to find it himself.  It starts.  He repeats over and over, "Rhonda, where is the iron?"  He begins to dump every box on the floor.  He every dumps the boxes from the kitchen. Food goes all over the floor as he continues, "Rhonda, where is the iron?!" 

I said NOTHING but I was on fire. I walked pass him into the bathroom.  He is telling me how I'm unattractive and FAT.  Interesting.  I was about 30lbs lighter then and not even close to being overweight but he knew that would get to me.  He finds the iron. He begins to iron his clothes and as I pass him.  I hit him with all my power in his face.  I exploded.  I was tired. The mental abuse, the cheating, was killing me.  I hit and he hit, and hit, and hit, and kicked and dragged me all over the apartment.   I had bruises from him kicking me.  He dragged me on the couch with his fist in the air, we both hear...."MOMMY!!!"    He stops.  He puts on his clothes and leaves.  I run into my daughters room.  She's there......crying.  She heard it all.

This "relationship" went off and on for another two years with one more episode of abuse where he pushed me into a closet and started to kick me.  What is worse, this relationship ended because he ended it. Not me but I never returned. He's come back years later with marriage proposals and apologizes. I never returned.

I was so abused mentally, I truly thought this was it, this was the best that love could offer for me. Understand, all this time I was empowering women to make healthy decisions about relationships.  I knew better but felt trapped.  I believed I loved him.  I believed these were isolated episodes.  Now, I watch him continue to be a womanizer.  I woke up.  I'm scarred but I'm aware.  I understand and have experienced Domestic Violence.  

Don't stay. Seek help. Don't be embarrassed.  I'm not embarrassed.  I'm free. I'm a survivor.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Why Willow is important?






We can argue all day long about her talent. We can even agree that she has access that the average person doesn't have [but its not her fault that her parents are who they are]. And we need to see the importance of a little girl who tells her mother, "I want to be free".  At nine, Willow embodies confidence that women my age are in therapy to obtain and yet its adults that talk about her ears, her hair, and her clothes.

This little girls loves herself and wants to celebrate it. I love it. I love seeing a little black girl saying she's cool in her skin. Its a very important message of empowerment for girls everywhere.

As written on the board in the "Whip Ya Hair" video - 

I pledge to be brave
I pledge to always give my best
I pledge to respect myself and all those around me
I pledge to be willing to learn and experience new things
I pledge to not be afraid to dream big and go for it
I pledge to be a WARRIORETE/WARRIOR




I'd rather for my daughter to whip her hair around and build her confidence than to mimic a Minaj or a Kardashian. But what we see is adults being upset because a 9 year old has access. We see adults being upset because a 9 year old has a mohawk.  We somehow assume that Jada and Will are bad parents because they are giving their children some of their wants whatever that maybe. We forget about Trey who is a football star and that they support him in the same manner. We put our children in dance class, football, soccer, pageants, etc. because we have access and we believe our children are capable.  I trust that Will and Jada will do no harm to their children as I do with any parent.





I've embraced her message for young girls wholeheartedly. I say continue to love yourself Willow and leave the naysayers to their own self-hate.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

P90X Day 1


Day 1 - Done. 

Third Eye



I had a Dream to Awaken my Third Eye and to Use it. 

As a Christian who believes in a direct experience with God [mysticism], this doesn't surprise me to have a dream such as this but I know that there would be others of the Christian faith who would give caution to such dreams. 

In Christian mysticism, meditation is embraced. 
Its about finding a deeper experience and connection with the Creator. 
I am thankful for the Dream. It helped me to realize I'm on the right path. 


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Cycle of the Day

Have you ever had those days where it cycles up and downs, the highs are high and the lows and somewhere down in hell waving at Satan's mean ass.


Clearly, I was off my mark, out of sync,  not with flow of the Universe and all that she required yesterday.  It wasn't a life changing day but it was an annoyance,  of small little, "blech", moments.  It was as if there was a spirit assigned just to throw pebbles, not to harm, but to keep my mind off the goal and then in between those points, good moments, good conversations, smiles. Bipolar like a mug.

I'm glad Tuesday is gone forever. Somethings have changed forever and some things have been birthed.


whatta day, whatta day.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Random thought: Toleration

A very uncomfortable feeling is that of toleration, someone enduring your presence because of moral obligation of some sort. Through discernment, a person would know and feel this and most likely feel insulted. Be accepting. Examine why there is a dislike for a situation or person, then look to resolve that issue.

Friday, September 24, 2010

tHe BaiT: Fear and Complacency

We see what is happening.  We do nothing.  We complain. We scream. We even kill ourselves and each other.



At some point, someone told us we can't.  Someone said, we are limited. A mystery force opened its mouth and said No and we listened. 


We start to say, its [they] and [them]; that did this to us but is OUR children who can't read. It is us who live beyond our means. It is us who choose to stay blinded.

The trickery is the line laid out of us.  It is understood that we are being coerced into believing fairy tales of what success should be and is. It has been laid out that some neighborhoods will have better schools, better grocery stores, better housing. Trickery doesn't mean we are to be so easily tricked.  Even after being beat down, some slaves knew freedom was still a possibility but America is made up of millions upon millions who don't know they are slaves, to paraphrase Harriett.


Keep one eye open on governmental mind games and the other on our communities.  If your God tells you that Power, TRUE Power lies within you, what do you fear?

Do you fear not driving a fancy car or wearing Prada and Gucci?  What stops you from being a mentor? Money?  Books at the library are free? [for now anyway]

Tomorrow isn't promised but we should live as if all things good and right are in our hands, in our Power to make Tomorrow a better day.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

There are days when isolation seems to be like a perfect heaven

no noise, no unkind words to cut my heart


no human beings believing they have the right harm, hurt, and hinder

Alone seems to be a like a destination of calm and beauty that still never leads to loneliness

Today.

Leave me alone.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Get ya Mind Right: Mental Health

This week is National Suicide Prevention week and not that I've been thinking about committing suicide but I have been thinking about the topic.

A very well respected community leader committed suicide last week.  I attended his memorial service and I was so moved, confused, and sadden. This was a man that has served people globally and yet decided it was time to go.  I can't say that this person had some underlying mental illness. I don't know. I don't know what was on his heart and why he chose this time to leave but he did.


Mental wellness is the last frontier of health.  Even with the mind, body, spirit concept, the body and the spirit get much attention while leaving the mind left alone as if its not a part of the equation.  We think about our bodies in terms of what the scale says and we think about our spirit in terms of what god we serve but miss the connection with the mind.  Being mentally well effects everything we do, believe, and how we live.


It is easy for me to fall into a depressive state. I don't have problems admitting this battle because I'm very aware.  I have to do affirmations.  I have to pray and mediate.  I have to be purposeful in seeing the LIGHT of life instead of finding comfort in the dark alley ways of my thoughts and mind. It can be a battle because I still fight with the concept of HOPE.  If you've followed my blog, you know its been a long road with this thing, HOPE but I address it. 


African Americans and some other cultures in which spiritually is so much a part of the way of life, dealing with mental illness is a taboo subject and yet something so prevalent in our communities. Sometimes God wants us to go sit in a chair and deal with ourselves.  We need therapy. We need to stop saving face. We need to be stripped down and deal with the mess.  I know I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and so many people do.

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat." - National Institute of Mental Health


We must learn that its not a sign of weakness to admit to having a mental illness or that we're just not feeling mental well at some point.  I try to be transparent so that others will be ok with admitting they are suffering on the inside and that they need help.   Its ok.  First of all, be true to yourself.  Start the process of healing by being honest and then asking for help.  Get ya mind right. 


Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline










1-800-273-TALK

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Live From The Color Complex, Part 1

Live From The Color Complex, Part 1

Please read the above blog.[click]

I can tell of the story of a mother, beautiful and alive, but told she was "black and ugly" for most of her childhood.

I loved this blog.


I'll share my mother's story another day.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Telling me things...

my eyes grow tired
mind still races
God sends messages of correction
and focus
directing my prayers to and fro
mostly about one
telling me more things than I want to know
but I pray

my mind grows tired
my shoulders ache
God tells me to pray more
things never look like they seem
especially about one
wanting to be ok with, thinking and even daydreaming
but I meditate

[to be continued]

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Friday, August 27, 2010

Beauty is where you find it...

I woke up this morning sick. Can't breathe. Chest hurts. 


But on my mind, streaming like a movie......"Beauty is where you find it!"

[scratches head]

I quickly realized that I had not channeled Madonna but God is telling me something but what?

First, what is Beauty?  I've always said that I would rather be perceived as "Beautiful" than "Pretty" any day.  Pretty is fixed. Its stationary. Its...well....boring.  Beauty can be packaged in so many ways. Its diverse.  Its magical. Its wondrous.


Looking through your own lens of life.....what do you see? Where do you find Beauty?


To Some, there's no difference in this thing called "Pretty" and "Beauty".  Its the same. Its all about the aesthetic. Its mostly visual and based on some deep brainwashing. Only a certain look, hair, skin tone, weight, and flair needs to apply.  Personality and spirit are secondary. 


For me, Beauty is deeper.  Beauty is how a person views the world.  Beauty is how she or he has overcome their obstacles and the smile they still exude. Beauty IS aesthetic but its how a scare somehow becomes a beauty mark or how a pimple looks like a tilaka, letting us see your third eye will represented.  Beauty is how my extra 30lbs becomes sexy and sensual when the world says it shouldn't.   Beauty is looking at people, things, and situations with YOUR lens.  Its seeing deeper and waiting to know more, more, and more.  



Beauty is knowing that some can never be put into a box of beauty, careers, and other expected ends. I've tried to be in the box. I tried to mold my brain, my body, my life to fit. It caused nothing but harm. My beauty is fly.  Smart, sarcastic, introverted, driven, caring, nutty, obsessive-compulsive, quirky....beauty.  My gap-toothed smile is beauty.  


I truly believe we are missing each other because we're afraid to move beyond Pretty and try Beauty out for a change. We pick relationships, platonic and romantic, based on some laid out formula of attractiveness, career, etc.

2 parts ass, 1 part brain, 4 parts dolla dolla bills

See life and love through a different lens so you won't miss out, so you won't pass over....beautiful, wonderful people. 

Where do you find Beauty?

Friday, August 20, 2010

thoughts and thangs

More dreams about waiting on God and allowing him to do all and be all.


But yo, wait....I'm a workaholic.  I'm a doer. Just let me....right?

This is the oddest revelation that's come to me this week. I've truly have rested. I've enjoyed every moment on some level. I've embraced the huge possiblity of moving and yet God needs to tell me to "let go 100%". 

100%?  This doesn't fit well with my control issues. They are feeling WEIRD and concerned.  Can God handle this on HIS own? I mean, I know me.   I am me, right? hmmmmm....ok. 

Back to Indy.  Letting God do HIS thing.....[crosses fingers]

;)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

More than a Super Hero - A Woman

Just a quick little blog.  I'm in my most favorite place on Earth, NYC. I'm enjoying my friends and the City.

I've enjoyed meeting new friends, helping others with their dreams, and RESTING. 

A revelation from the trip: I need to let the Rhonda light shine more. I'm more than CWUW, Social Networker, HIV/AIDS activist, and even Mother.  I'm cool.  No really....I'm really a cool chick but I hide it. I hide it behind my work ethic.  I hide behind my focus.  Why? I'm waiting for Part Deux of this revelation to occur but I had a dream that made me think to.....slow down and enjoy all parts of ME and allow God to do HIS thing.

The Dream:

In my car and the brakes go out. I can't even switch it to drive. I can't turn the steering wheel....I had NO control.

Freaky but I understood the dream.  Let go Rhon. Be Free.  Enjoy who you are. I'm fly. :) 

You should know me.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Essence Magazine's White Girl

I'm listening to some of the best intellectuals we have in Black culture make their cases for why Essence magazine has done a bad thing.  I'm reading women and men screaming out about this injustice of our beloved magazine hiring a white woman as the Fashion Director.  Normally, you would see me ready to go to battle over any injustice, any issue where I can see that one group will be held down, held back from being able to actively participate equal at the table.

I'm not ready for battle. 

Black's only?

 Is the issue simply around her being white  or do we know more about her qualifications for being a fashion editor? I understand the disappointment and anger about this but I'm concerned that we've solely wrapped this commentary around her whiteness and not included any discussion about work history and qualifications. Admittedly, I haven't stayed up on this particular issue with Essence other than the immediate responses given once the word got out about the hire. So I researched and she's worked with Oprah, Us Weekly, and was an freelance writer for Essence prior to her hire. Mmmm'kay.

So what is really issue?

Michaela Angela Davis and others are concerned with the lack of professional opportunities for Blacks in the fashion industry and that Essence, an institution, should be a place to empower, promote, and encourage the professional development of those in the industry. 

Ok. I get it.

But I like these questions asked by Nathaniel Payne, news writer for JustMeans,

"Has Essence ignored its proud history by hiring a non African American fashion director? Is the magazine justified in its hiring decision? Finally, as a society and global community, should we be doing more to ensure that under-represented groups in all industries receive priority treatment during hiring competitions?"
This isn't an easy issue. From my point of view, Elliana Placas, the White woman in question, is qualified for the job. Can Essence responsibly provide priority treatment in hiring in this post-racial America? How does Essence speak and advocate for equality in employment for Black women without the discussion becoming mired in the issues  of affirmative action and racial quotas? 


To go even further, Essence has moved away from its original mission of being the magazine for Black women. I don't care what they still say.  Its changed to be a magazine that if a white woman picked it up, she would still feel a part of the storyline, commentary, and point of view.  Time Warner needs for Essence to make money and needs to mainstream its look and advertising.  We see that in the change of the cover and the types of ads inside the magazine.  Where was the outcry for these subtle changes? Advertising is the bloodline of a magazine.  Time Warner is a business and Essence is a product.  How do you sell a Black women's magazine to the masses?  Questions, questions, and more questions....


As an advocate for equality for women, I see this as a minor issue that needs some attention but not the ammunition thrown at it. Don't think we need some international outcry when there are major hurdles and battles to be fought by women and especially Black women.  This isn't to say that I don't understand the heartfelt statements given by Michaela and others but.....[shrug].  I'm saving my protest for another fight, another battle.  Essence decided to change years ago and its just continuing its journey to mainstream [success] and believes this hire is the best to take them down that rode.

As the world turns.......