Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Return of the scale

When I started working at the Damien Center, I wanted to lose about 25lbs and now that number has risen to about 50lbs.  The return of the scale has revealed that I've gain about 30lbs in the past year. I stopped working out and just worked, helped my daughter, and oh, did I say worked.  Each year I've promised myself time for me and I've yet to do it.  God has made a way. I have FREE training 3 times per week. I have an accountability partner in my daughter.  I want it more than ever.  I've been wearing these layers. We're taking them off finally with the biggest weight loss challenge I've every had to face since after having my daughter.  I was focused and this will take focus.  I have to come before work and even others.

Its so early in this process.  Lost 2lbs. More to go.  I'm ready. again.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

God protects fools and babies.....you know that saying. I'm convinced its so very true.

I have to believe in Divine justice though.  God takes care of all situations in time.  I do have to remember that all things in the dark do come to the light especially if the truth has not been fully revealed.  I'm seeing that some things are still in the dark.  Light will come.  God has to protect the heart of the fool and of the foolish perpetrator.  Yeah....today...I don't have much of a forgiving, loving heart.  AT all.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.


If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.

I'm free to be.

Monday, September 12, 2011

This is far from a Dre cd.......the detox

Detoxing is actually letting go of something you love but causes harm in some way. We can detox from so many things including people.  Its just like getting off any drug where you have to take it one day at a time.  I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

Never been a 12 stepper.  I need more than sobriety. I need healing. I miss it....them....and I really do.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

ramble bamble

If you are insecure, look inward.

There are no scapegoats for the way you feel about yourself.

Grass is never greener. Don't compare grass.

Mow your lawn and tend to your field.

Intuition is different than paranoia.  Know the difference.

Pray without ceasing. You can only know what you see and experience but there's more going on and in the works.  All things, good and bad, work to strengthen you and make you better. Bad things are good. Change is good. 

If you need love, look no further than to the One that dwell inside of you.

Friday, September 9, 2011

still debating on a sleeve tattoo.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Look up and inward and heal.

Look in the mirror. Decide. Where are you in your life? Who are you? Where are you? Why are you making the decisions you're making? Learn from your journey.

I am a spiritual being. Not many are nowadays but I believe in a God and I believe I have a direct connection to that Spiritual Being who provides me with wisdom. I believe though we must seek this wisdom. We must know that there is something greater than our circumstances. Change will come but there is a way to handle change with grace.  God knows the end. We are to seek a way to that end and live our purpose.  What is today may not be tomorrow. I've learned this through breakups, deaths, and losses but I survived. I'm here.  I keep moving forward through all adversity and I'm learning more and more.....and more...I must pray.  I must seek the spiritual to understand and move through the physical. I still walk primarily a Christian path but I know that there is more to Spirituality than what has been taught via the dogma that is Christianity.  I've learned through reading about various religions that my approach to God can be varied. I'm a peace with this.

Today - there are things that I viewed a losses but they are gains because there is a trust in God that He/SHE knows the end and the end is GREAT.  The end benefits those I love. I am patient. All things work together for good [Romans 8:28] so the end is good.   I seek to do no harm but I am human. I make mistakes. My heart breaks every time I feel I maybe have done harm.  And there are times I've met up with hypocrisy face to face.  There are times when I've befriended it.  I scream to the heavens of my sorrow.  I seek to do no harm.  I love hard and I pursue that love.  Loving is good but I've learned it has its place and time.  Let time has its way.  Let God lead.  Pray without ceasing. 

God knows.  Plays some music and heal.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Those hard lessons of life....learn them..so you can live.

Learned a great lesson in friendship today.

Love them through it.  Leave them to learn it.  Watch them become it.

Its about the journey.  God will provide a way, protection, and truth. We have to be open to accept responsibility, to accept truth, and to learn. We have to always pray, pray without ceasing.

We are each made for our own personal journeys through life. We can't follow the map for someone else but learn our own map for life and walk through it. Friendships develop out of honesty, love, and trust. Anytime anyone of those falters, the connection has changed.  The need for that connection has changed. Even the desire for that connection has changed.  Restoration comes from first understanding there has been a change, there was a need for it, and that a new connection has to be established to return again.  This is with all levels of relationships -family, friendships, and love.  To be restored, you have to be renewed. New eyes - scales removed to see the new day. We learn that God knows the inner needs of each of us and provides an opportunity to have a space to be free of worry, free of fear, and to embrace love.  Sometimes that space comes in familiar packages, sometimes its brand new.  

I've learned today there is nothing wrong with love. Nothing. I have no shame. I have no anger.  I am pleased with my spirit. I'm pleased with my love. I'm pleased with what God is doing with my spirit in the mist of a trial. Gratitude pours from my soul.  Thank you for all understanding.  Thank you for a lesson learned. Thank you for paying attention to my life and my concerns. Thank  you for holding true to your promises (Genesis 15:1).  Thank you for simply saying - pray [meaning you want to talk with me]. You want to hear my voice in the heavens. You want a relationship with me. Thank you, God.  I love you and I love those you've put into my life for various seasons.  I pray for my friends who are my family.  I pray for honesty that comes from their souls and speaks to the heavens. I pray for their safety. I pray for their spiritual strength to fight the demons that come their way.  I pray for their freedom.

I embrace me. I'm thankful for my friendships. I'm grateful for the love I have for my friendships.  I'm ok with all things in my life at this moment.  God, I love you and thank you.  To God be the Glory in all things.

Its not here what you seek.

What is the truth? Where do you find it? Where do you look?

What are you really looking for? Honesty. Truth. What?

What is driving you to seek? Intuition? Hunger? Loss? Fear?

The biggest part of this.....is to start in the right place. 

Start with Prayer.

Psalm 34

1I WILL bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.    2My life makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble and afflicted hear and be glad.
    3O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
    4I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
    5They looked to Him and were radiant; their faces shall never blush for shame or be confused.
    6This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
    7[a]The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him [who revere and worship Him with awe] and each of them He delivers.
    8O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.
    9O fear the Lord, you His saints [revere and worship Him]! For there is no want to those who truly revere and worship Him with godly fear.
    10The young lions lack food and suffer hunger, but they who seek (inquire of and require) the Lord [by right of their need and on the authority of His Word], none of them shall lack any beneficial thing.
    11Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you to revere and worshipfully fear the Lord.
    12What man is he who desires life and longs for many days, that he may see good?
    13Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
    14Depart from evil and do good; seek, inquire for, and crave peace and pursue (go after) it!
    15The eyes of the Lord are toward the [uncompromisingly] righteous and His ears are open to their cry.
    16The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
    17When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles.
    18The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.
    19Many evils confront the [consistently] righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
    20He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
    21Evil shall cause the death of the wicked; and they who hate the just and righteous shall be held guilty and shall be condemned.
    22The Lord redeems the lives of His servants, and none of those who take refuge and trust in Him shall be condemned or held guilty.


Hello....what brings you...here?


Monday, September 5, 2011


The concept of "family" has changed for me.  Family isn't only the people who are a part of a bloodline but whothose love you unconditionally, who are in your corner, and who want the best for you. Can this be your so-called blood? Of course it can.  I have great family members but I also know that "family" can destroy your soul.   I've learned to talk in terms of supportive systems, love circles, and family that reaches outside of blood and obligation. I love my Family which is made of sister friends who love me wholeheartedly and embrace me entirely.  I can't say that for some who are called family by blood.

We all need FAMILY and some of us have family by design and not by birth.  Celebrate those who God has brought into your life to love on you and let them.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


I have to really think about how I've allowed myself to be used so badly by someone for YEARS.  I know I was being used...NOW. I didn't before.  I thought I was cool with this person who really didn't celebrate our friendship but kept it in a box and secretive because of their own messes.  I allowed it.  I loved this person wholeheartedly.  I thought we'd have a great, long lasting friendship.  I pleaded with this person to stop treating our friendship as some hidden thing. We shouldn't have been that. We were just really cool.  There was some attraction but I really LONGED for the cool friendship.   Never happened.  I stayed in a box and now I know, I was never really the friend but just a....hell, I don't know.  The love I was feeling now....turning into resentment and hatred really.  I've really been treated unfairly in some way and I played myself out badly.  I allowed it.  I'm sad about it. 

Now, I have to deal with my negative energy.  There are moments when I want some sort of revenge.  I don't want happiness to find her way unto their life.   I think they are getting away with alot, they get to renew love at my expense.   I will do nothing and say nothing.  Today, these are my feelings and I recognize that I could feel differently tomorrow.  I cherished this person.  They discarded me to save themselves.   I pray that hatred doesn't find its way into my heart.  I'm so sad though.  I've been struggling for years with trust and here I go ago.  I have to look into the mirror and figure it out.