Thursday, July 28, 2011

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Fucked up....complicated mindset
confusion of love and love and love

how blessed to be overly loved?  God gives you LOVE....dripping and pouring and falling out of every way.....and yet there is confusion?

walk away then and do no harm. the excess love needs to remain behind. can't go with you.

as soon as the words were said, the test was given and you failed me.   I looked for the simplest concern for me.  none was given. you deserve none in return. Give. Stop taking.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fool of me [Part.....damn]

I just got hit with it.
I just saw it.
Bullshit flung my way.
Steady as she goes.
I saw it. I felt it. I hate it.
Save yourself.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
[calculator please]
Add another one
another selfish muthafucka
I walk now.  I walk far away now.
I saw it.  Just as a vision.
Bullshit me. You lack. You lie. You want. You need.
[plus sign, equal sign]
All things come to the light.
Who picks up the flashlight?
Just saw it.  Ignorance rests its head in bliss so it can’t see that its ignorant.
God heals. He will finish this.
[and scene]

Monday, July 11, 2011

Some corny ass shit but so what....

I imagine a partner in crime. I don't think in terms of power couple but a couple of power minds....melding.  I have my purpose.  You have yours. I take time to help you develop, process, your vision. You keep me balanced so I can complete mine.  Two visions, one legacy. My love takes care of all things me. He is proud to stay in the shadow as I cast a light.  His passion is the fuel to his talent. I'm the hype (wo)man, letting the world know, He is here, He is ready.

God has touched is heart with a road map to giving the us all love through.....everything he does. Super heroes. Unmatched in passion, purpose...and love.

Some corny ass shit but so what....

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Green Cup

All of my life my mom was a serious Coke drinker.  She could easily beat that stupid Pepsi challenge. If she came to your home, even for a short visit, she would have two things with her: a liter of Coke and her green cup.

This Green Cup was the holy grail to us kids.  For some reason,  didn't taste the same unless we took a sip out of it.  It was grimy.  Without shame, mom washed the cup probably only once per week.  She said it was her cup and that she had to let the Coke set in it.  And we didn't care.  From my generation to the next, we felt it was an honor when mom, Grandest, or Aunt Charlotte would say, "Go fill up my cup!"   All that meant was - WE DRINKING SOME COKE FROM THE CUP.  

ignore the lack of dusting. :/
Mom knew.  She would joke and say, "You didn't drink any did you?" Every kid would swear they didn't but we all new - we couldn't resist.  So where is the infamous Green Cup today?  It sits next to my mom's pic on my bookshelf.  It hasn't been washed sense she last washed it.  It is a reminder of my mom and her fun way of living her life.  My spirit longs for the day I can just see her smile again.  There is no one who as ever loved me more than my mom.

I can look at the cup....and just giggle.  Love live the Green Cup. :)

Friday, July 8, 2011

Welcome to my humanity

My heart. I have so many writings and blogs that start with just those words. Its the most guarded place of my soul. Its is my sensitive spot, my Achilles heel. My mother said its a curse and warned me that the Owens women loved hard and I'm truly cut from that cloth. I have both fear and a longing for love but I've been trapped in my mind, I think.  I've had some very hurtful and damaging relationships with infidelity being the main issue. Rejection fills my heart. [sucks]

I fear being hurt again.  I give so much of me in a relationship. I'm a partner. I'm present. I'm the buddy. I'm the lover. I get hurt.  Oddly enough, I've had apologies from every man that has hurt me. All have said that I was so present for them and they didn't know what to do.  Its not that I'm unforgiving what?  The apologies are for them.  I've had to forgive without having the apologies so they come bittersweet at times.  With each apology, I get the question - "Are you married yet?"  When I say, no, they seem to be utterly surprised.[annoyed]  Why am I single?  I don't know but maybe I am still very fearful.

Being the single me is easy for right now.  I don't have to deal with rejection.  This is really a revelation made only recently.  I never thought I had this concern....I guess....until the past few months. With all of the infidelity in my last long relationship,  its scarred me. I'm building myself back up.  This wasn't me. This wasn't me.  This wasn't me.  I swear.  That was a horrible hurt that happened over and over. That fear is real.  It changed me. It changed the way I thought about myself.  It made me focus more on my work and less on me.  It made me question any man's genuine admiration for me. It split my soul. I became damaged my eyes.

I'm still wearing the layers. My weight is here to conceal myself from "them". [alien men] I came to that conclusion last year.  My Thought: If you don't like the outer layer, you won't be bothered and I'm saved again.  I didn't bet on some men being attracted to me as is.  [bulimia enters from the left] My head games were very trippy.  After prayer and I mean lots of prayer, I know that I have to love THIS body before I can succeed at any weight loss.  I know I have to find this face beautiful.  I know I have to really LOVE all of me again.  I'm definitely on the comeback.  I know this. I feel this. I be this.  So what about that fear.....its still there.  I can't lie.  I know I haven't met an AVAILABLE, capable man either so my singlehood  isn't just me being a scary cat.  I'm loving and I deserve love.  I want to be in a healthy place to give it though.  I don't know if I'm a 100% there.  When you've had someone really batter your psyche, your heart, and your spirit, its a hard journey back.  I didn't have anyone there to pick up the pieces. I've been picking them up myself.

I miss companionship. I miss intimate conversations. I miss that KNOWING you are loved.  This isn't loneliness though but just remembering what Love felt like when it was real.  God will provide the Love of my life when we both can give 100%.  I pray for him.  I really do. I have for a couple of years. 

FEAR. I'm winning.  I know it.  Rhonda. Rhonnybay. Cleva. Mom. Rhon. Or whatever you want to call me....I'm human. I fight for my humanity because it allows a space for me to BE human. I bleedWelcome to my humanity.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

A silent scream

I had a good day. I had a bad day.  The bad part of the really shook my spirit and I couldn't really process it the way I wanted to and needed to do. I needed an ear of someone uninvolved, of someone who cares enough just to let off steam, and someone who can calm my spirit.

I'm really only going to say how I felt but not the situation.  I've never been so disrespected by someone I've done so much for. That disrespect even sadden some of my staff members.  I don't want to hurt anyone for any reason.  I try my best to really help any way I can but I know that comes with a price at times. I guess, I'm feeling unappreciated as well. I think many times I walk around silent because "strength" is the armor I'm suppose to wear 24/7. When I'm upset, I feel badly for feeling upset.  I'm not a robot.

Today, I could have physical hurt another person. I was that upset. I could have unleashed all of the 'secrets' I know and could have destroyed this person in one easy step.  Instead, I paced. I tried to stay busy and I worked my ass off.  I don't have the person to come home to and unleash all of my feelings. Many days....its bottled up.  I call my girlfriend and dump but I don't want to do that...yanno.


Tomorrow will be better. Fuck all the typos...whatever its 3:26am.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Alpha Female

I never really have bought into the "Alpha Female" stereotype too much but its something I've been called at lot and I have to admit to seeing the fight for the alpha position without me agreeing to the "competition".  I know I have an perceived confidence.  I don't back away from my opinion. I have a point of view of life and who I am.  I stand. I have an expectation or maybe an assumption that this is how everyone is inherently. I know that's a little naive to think but when I meet a person, I assume they have a point of view as I do and I expect them to express it and defend it as I do.  

Some do and many don't.

I find those who really fake at a point of view, who believe their opinion gives them a position over the next have the most issues with others -  who are ok with their take on things and who aren't shook by another persons POV.  They want to be the loudest.  They want their ideas to be embraced.  If we are thinking about the Alpha Female having similar characteristics of a powerful leader then so many have it wrong.  Leadership is more about service and guidance. Its also being willing to take responsibility for failures.  Its having many people NOT like you and finding some acceptance with it.  Its being ok with successes and failures.  Its being in the moment and a visionary.  Its embracing everyone's talent and input.  Its a sucky ass job but you're ok with it. At the same time, an Alpha-Female can be a great leader and many

Now, I've had my "moments" with others who have taken issue with "my way".  These have been both women and men.  No sexist stereotyping here.  Some men don't care for the so-called Alpha Female. Some men confuse this position with those women who are boisterous, loud, and like to fight. That's a bitch.  An Alpha-Female isn't a bitch but she can use that characteristic from time to time, if we must call it something.  I've had men take issue with my work, my lead, my way.  I've been told I needed to be more humble. I've been told that I'm too opinionated for any man to truly be able to deal with me. [giggle].  Most of the time, these statements come from men who have felt rejected when I was only interested in friendship and not anything romantic.

When women, its a little more interesting.  Most of the time, I never see the "battle" coming.  I love being around smart, engaging women.  The majority of the women in my circle are also Alpha Females in their own right. I would really just call them leaders. They have an ease about them. They aren't vying for position or attention.

I remember starting a new job and I was getting to know a group of women.  There was one woman who just snapped at anything I would say.  [scratches head] I didn't get it.  I can be very quiet in new situations.  Its the introvert in me.  I like to observe.  I like to have conversations with individuals until I can get to know the vibe of the group.  This woman wasn't having it.  I let it alone.  Then a co-worker made a comment.  He says, "Oh Rhonda, its just the battle of the Alpha Females for position."  I'm like...huh?  I just started on the gig. She was the "leader of the pack".  There's NO way I can even be looked at as an Alpha Female.  He pointed out a few things.  I was a grade above many of the women. I had more experience. I was just starting my nonprofit. He then said...."you just don't think its that deep and that's annoying."  he said with a huge laugh.  UGH!!!  I'm being me.  So, I had a one on one conversation with this young woman. It got better but never really 100%.  All I can do is say, I tried. 

I try.

I can't apologize for being me.  I was raised by 7 women. These were the strongest women I know and taught me how to be confident in being a woman and more so, in being a smart woman.  They would say you don't have to flash anything.  Just be it. I learned it early.  My daughter is the same way.  There are many situations where I don't really join in.  I listen. I enjoy learning from others.  I don't need to tell anyone what I do. I STRUGGLE with this Alpha Female title which so many have called me. I now hear, "BAWSE" a lot.  [giggle]   I'm me. I'm just here. I'm not fighting anyone for my space on this rock because its rightfully mine to take.