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After a long week, full of ups and downs, I see my old friend....or fiend I should say, trying to have its way. Its always been a way of coping, of finding control.  It tries to be involved and to have a say.  It changes the way I see myself in the mirror.  It wants to take my attention away and focus on negativity. My old friend....oh I mean fiend Bulimia wants to come home. Today....I looked in the mirror and saw every place where I see fat making a new home, more comfortable than ever.  I see no beauty. I see nothing of God.  Oh...wait...that's not me. That's my old friend....[clears throat] fiend Bulimia.  She knows I've been working on new friendships like security, trust, and hope.  She's jealous.  She's wants back in.  She knows I'm finding acceptance with the body I have today so that I can appreciate the body I'll have tomorrow.   Bulimia is a trickster but she is a quick fix....like a quick hit on a crack pipe.  I know I...

I never really have bought into the " Alpha Female " stereotype too much but its something I've been called at lot and I have to admit to seeing the fight for the alpha position without me agreeing to the "competition".  I know I have an perceived confidence.  I don't back away from my opinion. I have a point of view of life and who I am.  I stand . I have an expectation or maybe an assumption that this is how everyone is inherently. I know that's a little naive to think but when I meet a person, I assume they have a point of view as I do and I expect them to express it and defend it as I do.   Some do and many don't. I find those who really fake at a point of view, who believe their opinion gives them a position over the next have the most issues with others -  who are ok with their take on things and who aren't shook by another persons POV.  They want to be the loudest .  They want their ideas to be embraced.  If we are thinking about ...

Erykah Badu Performs At Coachella

In 1995, it was the first time I volunteered at an AIDS service organization (ASO) and in 2011, I'm still working at an ASO.  Most of those years, I was directing my efforts towards working with women to reduce OUR risk of HIV.  I love working with women but the health disparities facing black women made the work even harder.  Our attitudes towards our bodies, our lives was and is our barrier to living healthy. We have to first agree to take responsibility for our choices. Forget the so called down low brother. Forget blaming others for our own actions.  I've come across many women who stayed in relationships when they knew their partner was cheating. I've come across many women who don't talk about condom use with their partner. I've come across many women who won't get tested for HIV and other STIs.  At some point, we have to look into the mirror and agree that our bodies, our lives are valuable and we need to take care of ourselves. It should be said that...

Have you ever examined why a situation doesn't occur the way you've planned or even prayed for it to happen?   Your friends and family will quote every scripture or religious text they know.  You believe it. God will give me the desires of my heart.  Stand on that Word.... screams .....Hallelujah! God?  What do you think? crickets I remember praying hard for someone who desired something with all of his heart.  I believed that it would happen but it didn't.   I felt for him but turned to God to show me why didn't it happen. A few months later, a situation occurred where I experienced some behavior that made me realize why God said "No!" to this person.  I'm like.....oh THAT's why you didn't get that blessing.  Good move O.G.   In my Christian yet very metaphysical mind, I do believe that we can create our existence through our actions.  Faith without works is dead.  We must move towards the blessing but we ...

This morning, I woke up thinking. I had mad thoughts racing through my mind about "Who is Rhonda?"  Its a question I continue to ask.  Fo r C ol or ed Gi rl s still fresh on my mind as I've examined my confusion of who I've become. I don't really know. I don't know who this person is that I carry around daily. I remember someone else, happier, more pleased with her smile, her style, her flow, her focus.  Today, I miss her. I wear an outer shell of this confusion, my body.  I can teach the world to eat, move, love and those steps are being lost on my own journey, my own poetry. This outer shell tells the story.  It tells the story of being kicked, smacked. It tells the story of being called dumb and told my dreams are foolish. It tells a story of longing for closeness from a father that doesn't know how to be close. It tells the story of repeated death and loss.  It tells the story of mistrust and dishonesty.   I'm wearing this outer shell of hurt an...

Live From The Color Complex, Part 1 Please read the above blog.[click] I can tell of the story of a mother, beautiful and alive, but told she was "black and ugly" for most of her childhood. I loved this blog. I'll share my mother's story another day.

I woke up this morning sick. Can't breathe. Chest hurts.  But on my mind, streaming like a movie......"Beauty is where you find it!" [scratches head] I quickly realized that I had not channeled Madonna but God is telling me something but what? First, what is Beauty?  I've always said that I would rather be perceived as "Beautiful" than "Pretty" any day.  Pretty is fixed. Its stationary. Its...well....boring.  Beauty can be packaged in so many ways. Its diverse.  Its magical. Its wondrous. Looking through your own lens of life.....what do you see? Where do you find Beauty? To Some, there's no difference in this thing called "Pretty" and "Beauty".  Its the same. Its all about the aesthetic. Its mostly visual and based on some deep brainwashing. Only a certain look, hair, skin tone, weight, and flair needs to apply.  Personality and spirit are secondary.  For me, Beauty is deeper.  Beauty is how a person views the ...

The one thing I'm not cynical about is LOVE .   I love Love . I love being in Love , I love showing Love , I love watching others in Love .  Its so beautiful and its the one thing that we're messing nowadays.  Pure love escapes so many of us.  To think that some have no idea what a mother's love feels like is so sad.  I've seen loveless marriages take place and why, because we're all truly searching for Love and yet have a hard time really identifying what love means, feels like, and is. "You take the bitter with the sweet!" - Grandma That was my grandmother's advice to her children when they would complain about their marriages. You don't see too many staying in for the bitterness. Love isn't always about being HAPPY and gitty .  Its acceptance of your partners imperfections and flaws and a willingness to persevere through trials. Somehow, we want perfection even when we're not perfect ourselves. I desire and will have the Love of...

A few weeks ago, I blogged about people keeping you in a box and then ascribing labels and meanings to who you are.  I spoke of how  much I hated it but then, today, I was looking at pictures of "Vanity".  She also has been someone I've blogged about admiring.  The "character" of "Vanity" is something use to connect to so deeply.  I felt that her sexuality was her power as if she was some superhero able to destroy men with her wiles and sensual ways. I loved that.  For years, I've spoken of my connection to this persona, "Vanity"- even today giving homage. Something - that something being God said to go to Denise Matthew's facebook page and look around. So I did.  We all know she's now an evangelist, so what was I looking for exactly?  I went to her website for her upcoming book, "Blame it on Vanity".  A very well done website that had me a little captivated.  Denise is not longer in the "Vanity" box we still...

I love being a servant of the people.  I love being one who helps others. I love love love it. Its so motivating and beautiful to have the opportunity to share in the lives of others and help when you can.  I don't feel I get enough opportunities to work in the community.  I'm an administrator, manager at my day gig and the Executive Director of my nonprofit which means paperwork and BS most days.  Every now and then I get a call in from one of my HIV testers who is unsure how to counseling someone or how to refer a client or even where.  I jump at those opportunities.  I want to do more community clean ups. I want to organize a Saturday school.  I want to have a "charm school" for girls.  I wanna wanna wanna.....do. It is a beautiful blessing to serve and I wish more people would see it that way. So many complain about this or that in their communities by don't even see its within their power to do something, to make a change, to serve. We ha...

how do i love thee? let me count the ways anyone who knows me anyone who pays attention they know. i am a music lover i love prince i love erykah badu these two are my life force and how ironic, again they are here at the same time on the public stage for me what is rhon talking about? in 2004 these two artist saved my sanity it was the year my mom transcended and the first year i was unemployed i had tickets to see erykah months in advance never thinking my mother dearest would go away how fitting erykah was pregnant with puma her spirit was calm she rubbed her belly throughout the show I weeped the show was the day before mom's funeral i was thankful for this divine order it was also the 20th anniversary of purple rain prince had released musicology and was a media whore  and i was loving him on the stroll grammys, musicology tv specials,  and the live concert of the first show of the tour i experienced them all and then i had the opportunity to see  him a...

Everyday, I take a sensuous bite into the fruit of my heart, CWUW .  Its my dream and my love. It drives me daily because I really want to provide an organization for women to learn, grow, and find the support they need to be healthy.  It is here. I work daily. I pray daily. I live daily for CWUW.  But CWUW is like a troubled child....needing an extra hug but sometimes punishment. It is the hardest thing I've every done. It rides my emotions making me question my ability to do something like this but it is my passion and my love. I won't adandon CWUW.  I will go through the terrible 2's with my baby. I'm thankful for friends to continue to push me and support me in this dream by offering information and advice.  I'm always looking for professional mentorship but its hard to find. Because I'm so focused and always working, people think that I have it all figured out but I don't.  I'm still learning and growing myself. I need direction at times to ke...

I was talking with a long time cohort in the HIV arena. We were talking about our busy lives and how we could work together. She spoke of her daughter and grandchildren. I watched her thoughtfully think of them when she saw some items at the conference she felt they may need or like. As if we knew what was on each others minds, we both sighed heavily. The conversation moved into being single and feeling its time, its that moment to connect with someone and to be able to lean, to rest, and to allow someone to be there for us. This wasn't the cry of two bitter women. This was a conversation between two women who have worked hard, raised children, and yes looked around and said.....I do need you black man. There are moments when I come home from work and I wish someone had taken out the dog, had made sure the car was fixed, or allowed me to rest my head on his shoulders. Leaning in....and resting.... We both just walked away, taken up our cross, getting back into the game, and say...

I've been working with a wellness coach and it has been a journey. I'm learning about myself and what I really need to do. Even though you have the KNOWLEDGE, life has put of roadblocks to being wise and applying that knowledge to your life. I've had to look at my body image issue very closely. Its dangerous for my psyche. Its planted in control, fertilized in lies, and loved in BS. At the end, here comes Bulimia. It rolls off the tongue like its some weird yet exotic name. (I'm hoping no child is named Bulimia). I've cultivated this side of me. I've nurtured it, supported it, excused it, and even believed in it. Nuts right? Not really. I'm human. The important thing is to start the weeding process and face it. I completely appreciate Delana (the wellness coach). She is hardcore and yet loving. She wants to see you enlightenment and moving forward. Keep it moving! She holds me accountable and that's all most of this is about in some odd way. Its...

My daily drive is to serve you you are mighty you are my first Love Everyday I see your presence and I long to see your Face, to be touched by your hand and to sing your praises I'm sadden by those who are too embarrassed admit you exist They are missing a powerful love no man or woman can provide Your vision is my vision Your plan is my plan I'm here to love you and to serve my brothers and sisters with all of my might There are days I may fail There are days I retreat to my inner being not wanting anyone to come in and you comfort me Thank you for choosing me

art by Kortez Sitting in a room full of women, chatting - no jealousy, no strife, no eye rollin ' nonsense. Beautiful. Women simply sharing their needs and wants to be healthy and happy. In the desire to help women, I want women to look at each other has advocates, kindred spirits, and simply sisters. At a time when we are raising our children alone, we are suffering from all sorts of health conditions, we need one another. We need to love each other. Personally, I try so very hard to love my sistas . My life's work is serving to women. I won't subscribe to "man sharing", I'm not gonna take ya man ( lawd ), I'm not gonna roll my eyes at you, I'm going to smile at you and try to love you. Why be jealous? Its refreshing to watch women from all ethnicities , socio -economic backgrounds, sit in a room and simply share and love each other. Makes me smile. I'm equally blessed to have so many men to be supportive of my journey. We need men. NEED. Yeah.....

The battle of faith and patience is our own desires at times. We want to either rush the process or ignore it all together. I've witnessed people who have chosen to ignore what they KNOW God has for them or wants them to do simply because they just don't want to do it. Sometimes their feelings, emotions, etc cloud their obedience. God knows best. He knows the best job for you. He knows how to help your (his) child get through a tough time. He knows your "perfect" mate. He KNOWS. We are promised the desires of our hearts so God isn't going to provide you with things you don't want but there are times when it is all about what you need. I've seen people try so hard to be disobedient that its scary . They wanna do what they wanna do. Free will. Go for it . I'm tied to the Universe, the Divine, God, Yeshua.....I'm obedient but I'm very impatient. I'm ready to move once I get the charge, the word....let's go do this. So I get fr...

The very day mom died, I had to talk with the Indiana Organ Procurement Organization about organ donation. A couple of months later I was asked to write this ad for the Minority Donation Education Alliance. They used my mom in some of their ads for minority organ donations. It was a very hard thing to write but was very happy to help. Charlotte and Ronald - The Parents They are me. Ma, You came to mind when talking with a friend today. You came to mind when I had to make some decisions about my future. You came to mind when thinking about the Kid. I love you my Diva, my love....."ol' lady". I see you when I look in the mirror. I hear you when I speak powerful words. I feel you daily. Thank you for giving me the gift of life by giving birth to me and thank you for my strength in your transition to the other side. You showed me so much love and faith by leaving me for this short time. Thank you for believing in me as you always have. You are missed. We show our lo...

Working in the health field can be overwhelming being a black woman. You hear the stats that rarely have any good news for black women. HIV, diabetes, lupus, heart disease, breast cancer....and the list goes on and on. Then you have those that tell us that we are the least desired (Black women and Asian men) in the US. Personally, I've always gotten more attention from non-American black men but understand what has happened to the psyche of some of brothers. I can't blame them 100%. But what does all of this do to the mindset of Black women living in the US? How do we push through the fact that we may end up unmarried, left as single mothers, and have to raise a family financially alone? AND then get blamed for why black children have certain issues? I even had a brotha tell me that me being educated is a part of the problem for black men. (sigh) He said that black women are being used as tools to break down black men because we are being "trained" seek out p...