Sunday, October 18, 2009

Didn't you know?

-Oh hey...

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to move but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Knew the toll, but I would not pay
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Cause you never know where the cards may lay

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still don’t know
So many times I’ve changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I ain’t scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to run but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Knew the toll but I would not pay
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
I said ya never know how the cards may lay

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

This song actually says everything I'm thinking and feeling right now. I truly do not have to write another word. Believe that.

This isn't about what I know God will do, who God is, etc. This is about what I feel. I want to just feel. I'm angry and sad. I'm tired. I'm hopeful. I'm focused.

This past week was an emotional roller-coaster that I really just wanted to get off but I just strapped myself in. My day job continues to be a thorn in my side but I've done a lot to change my attitude. Nonetheless, I want to leave. I had the principal of Shortridge tell me how much the kids love us there and when I walked into the room on Friday, to hear the girls cheer that I came, to see their smiles, that was so satisfying. I needed that.

I had to be the leader and make changes to CWUW and it was harder than expected mostly because I really did and still do take that situation personally. I'm hoping that I've handled it as professionally as possible.

"But I'm not scared to take the weight"

Then of course, the accident on Friday. This isn't about the car but about having one more thing to handle. Accidents do happen but the timing was horrible. (giggle) I just don't FEEL like dealing with it. Doesn't mean I won't or can't but that I just simply don't want to. I don't feel like it but I will, first thing in the morning be on the phone with the insurance company and move forward. I will go to DC and represent Girls Inc professionally and do my job well. I will continue to make sure CWUW moves forward with integrity and honesty. I will do what I always do but my feelings are very surface. I know how to push through and persevere. Right now, I'm just wanting to smile. I really haven't laughed and smiled in a while.

"I tried to run but I lost my way"

It was suggested not to drive my car too much so I sat. Bored. The feelings came but the oddest thing poured out, mom. I remembered a moment when I took Syd to the hospital to see mom. Mom was very, very ill and I knew I had to make Syd go. I remembered how Syd couldn't look at mom and she started crying. I remember mom just feeling so horrible. She felt responsible for making Syd feel badly. Just how mom was.....and then I just cried. Not a little teary eyed cry but one of those deep cries. The pain was coming out. I needed her. It was clear, the grief was still so present. I cried so hard my eyes were puffy and my chest hurt. I did my scream......and moved on. I ate and ate and ate. All just emotional eating. I was pure emotion yesterday and I wanted to be there. I didn't want to hear about God and anything but I needed to FEEL. I didn't want to be a robot. I'm sad. I wanted to be SAD.

"There will be a brighter day"

There will be a brighter is a new day. I'll work on smiling. I'll work on living.

I'm just a woman on this rock just like anyone.....or didn't you know?

no editing....ya know I just let my fingers type do the corrections.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Trust: Revelation.....again

Before I even begin, I'm not going to edit but just write. So has my fingers try to catch up with my brain, work with me.

For the past 6 months, I can honestly say that I've some anxieties about Today it hit me, again, that the Valley is still in me. TRUST is my new battle I have to overcome and resolve.

I think it finally sunk in this weekend with talking with CWUW members about trusting them. On the surface, I thought I was doing a good job with giving up ownership to others and really trying to give them a piece of "my baby". I really thought about it. I don't trust anyone to be in my corner 100% except my daughter. REAL TALK. I don't expect anyone to have my back. I still have a fear that if something happens to me the ONLY person I can call is the Kid and maybe my dad....maybe.

This is so real that tears are falling as I type this but I have to say it so I can see it and feel it.

When I lost my job and then my mother died, I went into survival mode and I haven't come out of it. This is why and race and race and keep going because if I don't, who will? I'm looking into myself and I'm really seeing that Trust is a major issue for me. Its especially major because I really love working with and for God's people. I love the community. I love service. As much as a musician loves to play and write or an artist loves to paint and draw, I love working in the community. So this is troublesome but I think God wants me to face this finally. I'm WEARING this trouble in my weight that I almost refuse to lose. I'm probably scared of having any real relationship. All I know is, my daughter was there. I was there and we moved forward. What we went through was so deep for us that I know she deals with the very same issue. We felt abandoned. So we turned inward and to each other to make it through.

I tell people all the time that I'm strong but not so strong. I still WANT to be vulnerable with one person. I still want to be able to set in front of one person and cry, scream, and just be. Who can I really trust? It is so scary to feel this way. Its not a feeling of loneliness though which is odd. I feel like my journey is my TASK and I just need to take the hit for the team. I need to take the weight of the world and let others reap the benefit. I sound like some wanna be martyr. :/ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....I hate that but its real.

I do feel blessed for those in my world who are encouraging. I KNOWWWWW I'm loved. lol

I know it...right? hmmmmmm

Since I'm writing this, I must face it. Its been revealed....again. I know my body has something to do with this TRUST issue. I know that I haven't really done the things I need to to change it because its not for knowing what to do.

There is skin hunger. There is the need for a hug that's not connected to sex...another place were Trust is battling me. Can I trust that a man can see me for more than sex? Its been along time since one has. I'm not the only female going through this. I try to watch what energy/vibes I put out. Doesn't work. Something needs to change with in me I think.

I'm sitting here. I can hear the crickets. My apt is very quiet.

Let me think. Let me think. Let me feel.

Let me be.

I will be fine.

I will Trust!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I can never see the world the same.

my eyes are open.

and I've never found peace like this when my eyes were closed.

I don't wait on a savior. The Savior has done the job.

This is the tricky of the Church. "Wait on the Lawd!" Why?

I need to pull down, dig deeper, and move forward. I need to read the words of the Sacred Text and then act on them.

Yes, I'm speaking of the Christian Church because that's where I was raised but its so very interesting that my spiritual experiences are deemed "witchcraft" and evil. I've experienced possession. I've heard the voice of God....literally. I've felt the touch and kiss from my mother and I've experienced astral projection. These things are outside of the Christian faith and yet these are the very things that have brought me closer to God. I've been set free from thinking I have to wait and that God is just going to always miraculous provide everything without me doing my part. NO. You must move. You must act.

Believe me. I'm going through some Spiritual transformation. I'm looking at my past and then my future saying, now what. I can honestly say, that I've called on the name of Yeshua and I've felt Power so I don't let my metaphysical friends think they have all of the answers too. What I do know, the current state of the Church is keeping ppl in bondage to greed, materialism, and the physical church. Christians are seeking out things as a manifestation of God's love. Seek change in your fellow man. Seek the end of hunger. No. Folks are lead by greed.
I don't even go to into a church anymore. It makes me mad and sad. I feel duped. I feel like i'm getting pimped.

One major issue is that Christians don't read their own Sacred text for themselves. You'd be surprise that some of the things that some of the New Age folks, esoteric folks, etc are in the bible. Some would say its because the bible just took from other text, etc, etc but nonetheless its there.

Read. Read. Read.

Am I done with being a I still find Power in the Name of Yeshua BUT I am looking and reading and studying other things without apology. I've had VERY non Christian experiences that can be explained by other faiths, beliefs, etc.

I'm on a journey. I'm on this ride. I'm not getting off until I'm satisfied with my answers. This will trouble some Christians and trouble some of those studying the metaphysical but this is about ME.

God has promised me something and I've committed my life to his plan. I'm riding it out.



Fearing the possibility that I could be
the manifestation of
Spiritually you called down from the heavens
Asked the ancestors
Prayed unto the Divine
allow reality to be near me
to be my reflection
as clear as the Nile
Let me be the one to touch

In your Power
I stand before you
you tremble
afraid to let go of the past
what do you choose
how can you be
at peace in a lost of love
Truth has decided
to hold your hand
caress your face
kiss your lips
The dream is more than fantasy
Truth is not going away

So what will I do
what will I say
all that I want has been given
the table has been set
my cup runneth over
and I
turn away.