Thursday, July 31, 2008

Positivity

New Day, Better Day.

Yesterday was way too surreal for me to even hold onto. I mean I had to deal with racism, a marriage proposal, angry friends, be the boss, be the employee, deal with money stuff...blah blah blah. It was one of those days when I didn't know if my brain could process everything coming at me. Superwoman - NOT! I mean, I was positive. I was moving forward but I recognized the negativity trying to come at me from ALL sides. Spooky Electric (gigglin') was busy yesterday. I was physically tired from the weekend. I wasn't really mentally ready for the day. It was a perfect time to try to take a punch at me. He may have gotten in a body shot but that's it. He's a loser. The victory is already mine. He such a dummy.

Anyway. Be positive. Recognize negativity when it comes your way and deflect it.

Have you had your plus sign today!!

Positivity - Prince

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Darkness




(sigh)

Darkness sometimes just simply provides insight that you're on the right path. It demonstrates its ignorance and even arrogance in trying to ruin something positive, something full of love. Today, Darkness TRIED to creep in. It tried to stop us. It tried to keep us stuck.

Darkness is dumb. I'm perfectly fine with closed doors. Its no more than a sign to go in another direction.

We move forward. We stay positive. We allow the Light to have its place. We praise the Almighty.

We keep it movin'.



CWUW.....grindin'.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

God is.....

Complicated Love

I spent the weekend with women and you with a group of chicks, the topic of men would come up.

No male bashing took place. It was just conversations about our wants and needs and the vicious cycle we all find ourselves in sometimes.

"In love with him, not in love with her, I like her but think I love him....."


I know the battle of loving someone deeply but knowing you're really not IN love with them. I know what's like to be IN love and not having the same thing reciprocated. I know about feeling lustful desires from someone but holding back. It can all be so frustrating. We all settle on some level. "This is good enough for now." Ugh......

Love in its definition should be easy but it seems so complicated.

Yes some of the women were a little bitter and upset with the dating scene. We did talk about body image, color complex issues and interracial dating. It was interesting to listen. All of Us trying to figure out this Love thing.

Just thinking about LOVE, LIKE, and LUST....

Basically, I want all three in a relationship. Lacking one, sucks.

At the end of the day, I wish all my friends all the love they can find. They all deserve it.

me too. :)

and God bless that DUDE...ha! :) Sending mad love to him, whomever that lucky DUDE is....

Can U have too much FuNk?



Man, I'm tired. The two nights I was in Chicago, we didn't walk in until 4am and probably didn't get to sleep until 5am. My thighs hurt. My feet continue to remind me that they need support. And I had hella fun!!

Going to see George Clinton was last minute and I'm sooooooo glad I was there. I walked in cute and left sweaty and FUNKY!! We were literally standing right in front of the stage. Its was madness. My little crew danced and sweated all night. Cool ass night.



Sunday night was "Prince Night at Berlin". Berlin is a cool little spot in Chicago that's been hosting these Prince nights for over 12 years. I think every Prince fan I know has been to a Prince night at this club. It was a cool experience that is coming to an end. Nonetheless, to watch never seen videos and hear music you didn't even know existed was PRICELESS. At one point, I just sat in a corner and closed my eyes and listened. I bounced around and did my thing. The crowd was so eclectic. You had the drag queens, straights, gays, nerds......black, white, puerto rican......everybody just a freakin'. Ok, lame but I had to do it and it was really just that....lol.

There was some stuff that just had me crackin' up. I'll just say that some folks LOVE PRINCE in a very unhealthy way. It was all cool. No cover charge. People lovin' Prince music and dancin' until they dropped. You would see folks just in their zone when their fav song came on or buggin' out at some boot they've never heard.

The Raspberry Beret drink would put you on your ass too!

I think the COOLEST thing I watched was all the friendships that have been made. All the people I was with connected from loving Prince. Ivy, Ginnie, Rachel and the rest of the crew were all just prince fans that met on some sites and connected. That's some surreal stuff on some level but these folks are genuine and real and LOVE MUSIC. Its heavenly to listen to them talk about music (I'm still dying about some of them going to see Mint Condition....grrrr). Prince fans are very music savvy and its cool. LOVED this experience. Loved being with the crew.

I've been told I need to comeback to the "last" Prince Night at the end of August.

Yeah, I'll be there.

going to take a nap.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Makin' me rest




I've been off for the past two days. GREAT!! I needed to get away from the gig but I wasn't resting. I was working on CWUW stuff. We needed to bang out a flyer for our upcoming focus group and I had to get it done. I had a chat with a dude who wants to do a tune for our website, just revamped, a little. Then I get an email from my girl Rashida asking me WTH was I doing. She reminded me the world wasn't gonna end if I just STOPPED and relaxed.




Even planning for my weekend in Chicago, my brain is on overdrive. Actually, I'm thinking about school starts for the kid in two weeks...man. That sucks. Yo, wait. I'm relaxing, right.




Ok.

I'm going to Chi and the kid will hold it down here. Hopefully she'll remember Zeus would like to go for a walk or at least go run at the dog park here in the complex. Sorry Zeus. Mom has to leave ya with ya sis. You'll be fine.


Uploaded some tunes on the ipod (thanks Dj Rusty, go get some tunes ya'll).


Got my gear.

And I'm outta here....ya heard.

Friday, July 25, 2008

What is love?

What is love?
Its words unsaid
but a glance
and a smile
What is love?
Its the bird on my windowsill
assured I will cause him no harm
letting natures beauty
take center stage
What is love?
Its when daydreams, rainbows,and fairy tales
come alive with just the whisper
of your name
What is love?
Its when your smile is all I need
to know everything will be alright
What is love?
Its when desire meets passion for
the first time
and kisses lust tenderly
What is love?
Its the moment you've
realized your soul no longer
needs to look for its mate
What is love?
Its you and me
becoming one


July 25, 2008 Inspired by Love and how great it feels when you're REALLY in love and its mutual.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Unattached

Anticipating your arrival ..

ready to partake, ready to release, and ready to take in all of you

playing games of control

passion

fire

sweat

lust

profanity

giving it and taking it

Oh…wait…the neighbors

Let them enjoy sounds…. animalistic and driven

pulling

choking

licking

moving

thriving

Expressing my sexual power and you being energized by my every movement

Challenging me to release HER – which I've tucked away

Scared she may gain control; she may become too much apart of me, of how I see myself to be

From the couch to the floor

kissing

feeling

moaning

screaming

Each movement builds

Each movement in harmony

Our bodies playing this song,

a song I haven't heard in a long time

You aren't mine

and I'm not yours

Unattached in Love

Connected in lust


June 27, 2007

My reflection





We are reflections

of our desires

we pull in

move toward

the very thing

we want

we need

feel no pain

feel no guilt

for wanting

what you want

We are reflections

of our hearts love

passions flow

without thought

desires appear without

effort but souls

long to connect with

like souls

We are reflections

of each other

timing is perfect

even though outcomes

seem contrary to the

longing

Reflections, mirrors, love and longing

allowing life to maneuver, twist and turn

so that it manifests

in its proper form

I am your reflection


February 23, 2008

moment




loving the moment you first
said hello
memories abound
in precious

thoughts
possibilities of worldly
connection
loving the moment you
first looked in my eyes
and smiled
my heart loudly
roars, letting me
know that you touch
me deeply
loving the moment you said
I touch your heart and you
think about me
I'm loving the moment
I knew I loved you.

February 23, 2008

the dream

Passionately I strive to capture the vision in my heart
I toil over how and why and when
this labor is long
tiresome some days, I do feel
I seek the seed planted inside of me
I've come to terms that I will walk this path alone
I will find strength within myself
to persevere
hard days do come
but I know that I am strong enough
to carry the weight
I seek this out more than anything
Self motivation is all I have
but there are times when I need to rest
when I just want to lay my head down on
supportive shoulders
and just breathe
My dream will manifest
The plan will come forth
The birth is near


June 6, 2008 - written on my myspace blog.

Ever since I was a little girl, I also had some idea of what I wanted to do or be. It would change but I would be so focused. I wanted to be an optometrist for a few years. I was so intrigued by the workings of the eye. One day, I heard Colette Vaughn on WTLC 105.7 doing her jazz show at 10pm. Her show would start off with a plane taking off. I would listen under my sheets. Her voice was perfection. I wanted to be Colette Vaughn. I listened to the radio as if they were providing me daily lectures. It was heaven.

When I entered the 9th grade, I was able to start working at the high school radio station. Back then, Warren Central only had 10th thru 12th grade. So I started at the high school with a small class of freshmen who were attending the career center. Even though I had NO interest in becoming a writer, I also worked at the high school paper. The station was a working radio station much like WJEL at North Central, a rivial station with a much stronger signal. I had a daily show plus an afternoon show. I was also the traffic director (which has NOTHING to do with cars...for ya'll who are clueless). I was the only on-air personality that didn't have to do a newscast. My advisor thought I was a very strong on-air personality so I didn't have to do a newcast. I LOVED IT!!

My advisor started grooming me for the Indiana Association of School Broadcasters competition. I had to make an audition tape. I actually remember this like it was yesterday. I remember cutting and splicing it. I remember my advisor making me do stuff over and over. It was intense. I entered in the air personality category. I guess I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think I would even place in the prelimaries and yet I did. There were only two females that even made the top 13 (odd number I know but....). I was THIRD. My advisor was hyped. Most of the females were entered into the newcast competition so it was a big deal I made it that far.

You had the choice of running your board or having an engineer. I had the engineer. You had to do intros and outros to ever song and had to read at least one psa. It was a 30 min show. It was INTENSE. My advisor was in and out of that studio letting me know i was doing well but then he hands me a random PSA. I had to read it cold. I stumbled over some words and I was pissed. I had a perfect show but then..... I had to rock the show because I knew there was a biased against us chicks. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... long story short.....I kept my third place standing and I was pleased.

I continued with broadcasting in college. I was the music director for many years but as I was ending my college career, I felt like I've really had a career in broadcasting plus, I had the kid then and I didn't want to stay in Indy. I didn't like this market and still don't. When I moved into retail management, I felt lost because i wasn't driving for something. I remember talking with God about it. I needed more. I couldn't just drift. I'm not a worker bee (as much as I appreciate the worker bee). I really say that with all humility. Its not me. I need to reach and strive and make stuff happen even on a small level.....

I'm learning not to be judgmental with those who are finding their way or who really just want to chill in life. Not everyone wants to kick down the door. At least, though, understand the importance of kicking down the door....yanno. ha We all have our own path, I guess.

The seed in me is ready to be birthed soon. Its so important to have motivated people around me. There are some people you just don't want in the room with you when you're in labor. They need go. They can't watch it happen. Or some think they are being supportive but are just in the way, they just need to sit down and watch. Others can grab a leg and yell and push with you......they get to see it all happen, hold the baby and be a part of its growth.

I'm pushing, pushing and pushing

Find your dream, your voice.....make it happen!!


Misery Loves Company

Generally, I'm good. I'm happy. I do have my frustrating moments (as written here in this blog) and yes, I need to make more money but I'm good. Everyday, I face what comes at me and fight for peace and positivity but people get confused with that attitude. We all talk about wanting to be happy but when some can feel that another person is genuinely happy, they are dumbfounded.

In the past week I've had folks say, "Wow, you are really happy" or "I can tell you're happy". At they say it with confusion. I learned the secret awhile ago. There's nothing wrong with being displeased about a situation but the goal is to move past the negative feelings into some solution. How do I make this better? I also realize that so many situations have been learning experiences. I understand God's hand in it all. So I look to the heavens to figure it out. You can actually hear me say, "Ok what am I suppose to learn or get from this?"

Folks need to stop trying to question another person's joy.

I'm feeling good about the Kid, CWUW, my healing, and coming to terms with certain situations.

YAY! Rhon :)

figure it out and get some peace.

Lizz Wright-Blue Rose



Lizz Wright is fast becoming one of my favs. Just listen.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

No backroom love

Neva a backroom lover
Proudly I swag your way
into the room
attention and eyes and whispers
poetically move in her direction
holding tightly
to their men
watching to see if they are
watching her
jealousy reigns
creative words become
her new tag
Who's the Bitch?
Who's the Hoe?


Desired in quiet thoughts
deep dreams
and passionate moments
Loudly, my heart trembles
in your presence
Her stride, like a gazelle
Ms Cool, if you please
Neva a backroom lover
Can't contain this vision
for private moments
They call her Queen
They call her Goddess

Like a caged animal
in a daze
trapped
My lioness
My one desire
is to be her
prey
Intelligence surrounds
momentary conversations
given with smiles and wide eyes
Humorous and wise
confident and humble
her glow is Godly
my lust sinful
She is positivity
She is love

Neva a backroom lover
Can't be contained to secrecy
Passion, love, lust, truth, desire
can be her name
a young boy's fantasy
a grown man's dream
Envious of the Lion
who can claim her
has his Lioness
She is.........


July 22, 2008 Inspired by Men, Lust, Love, God, and me......

still needs work though....

honey bee

Ohio Players



drippin' honey
little honey bee
honey be me
me to you
lickin'
honey off the tree
buzzin' I be
me and this tree
lickin' honey
not you but me
sticky sticky
this tree be
me be done
buzzin' away
cuz I's be
free
a busy little bee
onto the next tree



Honey - The Ohio Players


July 22, 2008, Inspired by over active imagination and the smile it brings......

My Journey- Bulimia: Fighting the Purge




Its that great time of the month and I'm eating like I'm expecting twins. I just over ate. To be honest, I don't know if I've really over eaten or if there's just a point when I want to purge.

I'm there.

This reminds of a co-worker who told me that he couldn't be around razors because it made him want to use. I want to just get rid of the food but its like my body wants to do it more that me. Note: I'm in a good mood. Life couldn't be better. This isn't about where I'm at emotionally but about triggers. I'm learning to deal with them.

This is what my mind is saying to me: Just get rid of the food and you'll feel better, you won't feel full and you won't digest what you just ate thus you won't gain weight.

My mind is tripping. All of that is going on and yet, I'm sane. I refuse to purge and I will quietly meditate through this feeling.

I'm walking through my healing which is a great feeling. Being ashamed or embarrassed hasn't even entered my mind in being public about my illness. We all have our issues, our demons, and our stuff. (shrug) Say hello to mine. What's poppin' Bulimia? Ha

The urge to purge is still here but I turn away from it. My body is damaged enough from the disease. I think my metabolism would lose out to a snail no matter how much I exercise. Once again, my acid reflux is painful. And, yet, I'm GOOD! I'm smacking bulimia in the face and yeah, it tries to come back fighting but it can not win. Rhonda is focused on healing. I've worked very hard not to pass on this to my child and I will not go into the 'next phase' of my life dealing with this demon.

I'm gonna watch the sun slowly go down outside.

Today, I win.

Let It Bleed - J*Davey

rain

I wake from my slumber
my nakedness before me
as I listen to each drop
of rain
touch the ground
as for the first time
I close my eyes
and listen
thundering sounds
fill my ears
as nature speaks to creation
"I am here!"
With my window, slightly open
I feel the night time air
roll over my skin
Inhale
Exhale
connecting with the darkness
rain
thunder
I close my eyes
and return to slumber.


July 22, 2008 1:53am.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


Live Life Well
I Believe (2-Track) - Mudkids


CWUW Website

CWUW on myspace

CWUW blog

MA!!

Sydney and her cousin at prom

"Ma"
you scream from the next room
this lets me know
you have something to say
I just laugh
but ignore you
just to hear you say
"Ma"
again

What kid
What is it now
always a question
nothing has changed since
your first words
"Ma, does this look good?"
valuing my taste, my opinion
most mothers would be so envious

Jokingly, I call her a hooch
I tell her the shorts are too tight
I tell her she needs a tan, you yella chick
she then screams
"MAAAA"
I laugh again
"Ya look cute!"
I get a smile
and more chatter
another cell phone
gone
she tells me
That makes 4-5 phones in 6 months
The resourceful kid tells me
"Ma, I can get a blackberry pearl for $50."
I just smile
"then get it!"
I say

Anxiously, she tells me that its time
for
mother-daughter pics
I frown and say
"Are you crazy?!"
my psychosis finds its way
into the sweetest of places
The kid demands
this must and will occur
and she is right
She is 17, her last year as "the KID"
as she moves slowly into young womanhood
I will always love to hear her simply call me

Ma


(written as she gets ready for Expo)

half can't make u whole

Pouring you into my
existence
wrapped you in light
and love
part time
half time
maybe sometime
you are mine

miles away
you've lived a new
life
here I remain
holding it down
making it happen
for the possibility of
your return
to love me fully
completely
wholly

Spoke with you yesterday
No word today
no promise of tomorrow
half of you I don't have
maybe even sharing quarter of you
with another
loving you is allowed
only part time
where's the half the makes me whole


july 19

Life

I stand before the second half of my life
with all the doors wide open
as God says that he will provide
I smile and stand in confidence
of this new day

What if Mom still smiled and laughed loudly
and loved me and provided hugs everyday
What if I was never embattled with evil from the Demon Center
attempting to harm me and the women I touched
What if me and the kid never knew hunger, never knew what it was like
to have no phone, no car, no home, sometimes, the feeling of having no family
What if I never learned to trust God with my life, with just breathing
Would I see the horizon
Would I see this new day, in all of its beauty and possibilities
Would I know that all hope lies with Him

Thank you mom for letting go of this life, a life you loved, so I could be free
Thank you Demon Center for letting me go, pushing me away so I could fly
Thank you hunger and strife for letting me move from being empathy to having a
sympathetic spirit, so I could truly understand

Let me see the wondrous things life can give to me
Let me move through this life in all hope, honesty
and love
I stand before this second half of my life
not knowing what will occur but knowing
it will all be ok

Hope

Possibilities
open doors
hope
new horizons
allows me to smile
thinking, thinking, thinking
what if, what if, what if
rainbows remind me of promises
from above
the sun, no more than
promises
possibilities
open doors
hope
new horizons

July 19, 2008 Inspired by the smile of my kid and the future

ClevaWords

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The G

The awesomeness of God, my father, is something I can't deny. I'm a Christian, a follower of Christ. Humbly, I stand before my father and kneel but I am a god. I understand this concept when so many Christians are scared to say it. I am the image of Him. By His power and might, I can do all things.

In all of my enlightenment, I remain true to this path to righteousness.

I'll continue to read about kemetic religions, islam, and eastern philosophies and even apply some various spiritual principles in my life but Christ is Lord.
It troubles some of my peeps how have moved away from Christianity to embrace other paths of faith. I'm pleased with the few that have supported my path and journey by inspiring me to study deeply about the Essenes, Gnostics, Christian Mysticism and more.

I love Yeshua. He can't be denied by me.

Who Am I?

Whimsically I begin to paint
with such artistry
In awe, you stand
watching
as I add
reds and blues
yellows and oranges
not knowing you are my muse

Seductively, I begin to dance
no music you can hear
and yet touching your soul
My body
twists and turns
seamless movements
speaks of love
a sound only you can hear

Creatively, I begin to write
words leap to life
with truths unsaid
but felt
a poet inspired by
energy
a reflection of what is real
passions you can feel

Expressively, I begin to sing
with my soul meshing with song
vibrations producing positivity
a smile touches your face
understanding my love
is real
never walking away from
the chorus of your heart

Who Am I?

July 17, 2008 inspired by Emmanuel
ClevaWords

blah, blah, blah

Yesterday, I was bitching and complaining to friends about being overwhelmed. I get tired of handling stuff. My biggest thing is that I need a new gig. Question: Do I get the high powered executive gig and run some stuff and make the money or do I get a gig that pays enough to take care of me and the kid so that I can have time to do CWUW and other stuff I want to do?
I had a bunch of stuff going through my brain and I sat and gave Rashida an ear Full. She just looked at me like, "Rhonda, shut up!" LOL

Well, today, God just said shut up and chill or something close to it. Let it all happen. I'm letting it happen. Negativity will have to stay away. I see it knocking at my door, looking in the window and it thinks I can't see it but I see ya ass. Stay away. Rhon is rolling. I may have my moments but I'm rolling.

This week, I've really been looking at my community A LOT. I think what my problem is on some level is that I've been so much about RHONDA. Its been awhile since I've given any clothes away, volunteered somewhere, or just helped some random person. I've been WAY too selfish and self absored and rightfully so though. I do have stuff I need to take care of BUT I'm ready to get back to my first love, the community. I didn't realize how much of a people person I was until lately. I know I have plans on doing some voter registeration stuff but I am have to go do some HIV presentations or something. I need to reconnect with the peeps, God's peeps. In my office, I have something I made probably 7 or 8 years ago. It reads: The Focus: God, The Mission: To Serve God's People.
The original little banner is so torn, I had to make a new one. I'm tired of being Rhonda focused right now.

I need to do this and that for myself, the kid and CWUW and I'm very focused on getting the job done, yanno BUT I need to CHILL, find balance and peace in that I'm on the right track, God has this train rolling in the right direction and I just need to ride.

Lettin' it ride




Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Indianapolis - Big small town





I've never really liked living here in Indy. When I was young, my goal was to leave immediately. I wanted to be a broadcaster and I didn't like this market at all. I saw then that Indianapolis was missing something.


When I had Sydney, I knew I needed to stay here. I was 22, still had another semester of school to finish and no money. I had to make the best of the city. During my 20's I was able to get out and about somewhat and enjoy some of the activities of the city. I also realized quickly that Indy is a GREAT place for children. There's always various activities for your children. Me and Syd would go all over the place. Its probably why she's always on the move still.


But something is really wrong....



What I've learned is that Indy does have a lot to offer but its the mentality of the people that's frustrating. You hear people say things like, "Indy never has anything going on." When things are going on, no one shows up. You really see it with live performances. Indy audiences are lazy. Either we don't understand the culture of live performances or we just suck. We sit there and stare. Huh? The artists need our energy. Why don't folks get that?


As I'm developing CWUW, I've been frustrated with the lack of professionalism and follow through I've seen from so called professional black folks here. Everyone wants a title but not the work. Lazy. I've been told (by people who don't live here), that I need to move. My vibe isn't for Indy. I've been told I should move to California or Atlanta and start CWUW. My girlfriend NYC is just waiting for me to finally pack up and move to the city. She has always said I'm not a Hoosier...ha. Trying to get CWUW started has been frustrating but I'm hopeful that I can find focused women and men to jump on board and roll with me. There's a few but lawd. Its really like fishing in the ocean with no bait.


What is going on with Indianapolis? Why do so many envy what is going on in other cities, travel to participate in those activities but don't support those same activities locally? That's being a part of the problem.


So in the past few weeks, I've spoken with at least 3 or 4 people considering moving because they can't seem to make it happen here in Indianapolis. They've exhausted all avenues and yet, its not happening. I'm feeling the same way BUT I'm staying. There's got to be a shift in this lazy attitude at some point. When, where and how its going to happen, I have NO idea. I'mma still make my trips to Chicago for events up there but I'm going to make an effort to support our local artists, businesses, etc. There needs to be a movement to force our local "institutions" to support what is going on locally as well. I sit and listen to the Hot 96 daily (when I'm too lazy to change the station). I RARELY here anything about ANY local shows, events, activities, etc going on. WTLC is a waste at this point. Radio One has killed the community connection but can we force their hands? I don't know. How do we grab Indy by the balls and shake it up?


Some are calling west 38th, the booming culture area for Indy (the IndyStar). Why? The large number of ethnic restaurants in the area, Georgetown theater plays Indian movies (bollywood) and other little spots here and there. Are we taking advantage of this? How can we as a community revitalize Lafayette Square and make it a place for local businesses and culture? The community can do this. No big corporation needs to come in and do it for us. Even though we have Foundation Square and Broad Ripple, for me BR is the most UNcultured place on the weekends. Just a personal thing. I'm a snob....shoot me. Its all about drinking so when you go to shows, the star of the show is the bar (and cigarettes. ya'll need to really watch those theTruth.com commericals or something, jeez.) It takes my dad to complain about the Jazz fest every year....lol. I actually like to hear him tell me how the Jazz fest has NOTHING to do with JAZZ. We're missing it here in Indy.


The unconventional approach needs to happen. Getting advocates in the media can help and advocates can come in the oddest places. Shake it up!! We need to kick down the door.


Indy is a city of followers but how are we leading?


I don't want to leave. I want to make it better.


(sigh)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Being a Good Girl





Do you ever just wanna be bad? I mean do everything your heart desires because we all know our hearts sometimes desires things that are naughty, a little immoral and could make your burn in h-e-hockey stick, hockey stick. There are so many lines I could cross and could have so much fun being and living in the moment but that damn sense of responsibility and having a clear understanding of why delaying gratification is a good thing. But damn.

I guess when you act IN your maturity, you can see outcomes. Being the good girl is hard at times. I'm a predator on some levels. I watch my prey closely and pick the right opportunity to pounce. The seductress needs to seduce but if you open the can of worms, its very difficult trying to get those worms back into the can. There are opportunities around me all the time. I love men but ya'll do make it easy. I can never understand a woman who is clueless on how to seduce a man. Men tell it. Today's woman think its physical. They learn how to seduce from watching porn. (gigglin') Its all a head trip, most of the time. (You'd think I'm teaching a class or something...lol@me.) Yeah, a man needs to be into you physically but a little bit of the right conversation can go a long way. It doesn't even have to be sexual but enough of teaching.

I miss it.

Seducing without following through is nothing but being a tease. Can/worms. Teasing is cool but only for a little awhile because that's boring even for me. Even though I'm TIRED of being the good girl, nothing is jumping off. (sigh) I'll be good until I meet up with "The Dude", right timing, right vibe and its on and popping. No man sharing. No booty calls. Its all limited. I'm not the chick but this good girl thing......for the birds.

Just some thoughts......

The ignorance continues....color complex.

Yung Berg comes out of his face to disrespect darker skinned black women. Nothing really new. Some want to brush it off as some young idiot but on the real, we've never gotta away from it. Sad. There are black men who will tell me that I'm pretty to be so dark OR that they aren't into darker skinned women but they could get into me. Believe me, this has occurred recently.

We know why this occurs. Question: when will it change? Nothing wrong with have a preference. Its natural but how do you consider your mothers, sisters, cousins and aunts unattractive because of some pigmentation and hair texture? I have this issue very close to me in my family and its really sad. Lighter is better, cuter. If you're attractive and darker, you're a fluke, a freak of nature. It really does break my heart. I'm raising an attractive lighter skinned black young woman who is well aware of young men who holla at her because she's light skinned. Its annoying to her and "Stupid" as she always says. Ha

She's learned that she is beautiful and so was her grandmother, a beautiful dark woman.

I love being darker skinned. I love my kinky hair. I'm no hair nazi. I don't trip on our women rockin' relaxers and weaves. Personally, I rocked my extensions because I hated beauty shops and they didn't want to be bothered with nature hair. Its all in the attitude. There's nothing wrong with kinky hair. This good hair/bad hair is so dumb. I've seen curly hair that's bad and kinky hair thats good. Just love yourself. Bottomline. I remember telling someone that I thought Alek Wek (below), the model, was so beautiful. I was laughed at. They said she looked like a star trek character. I just looked at him like...wow. He could see how beautiful the color of her skin was, or how smooth or her beautiful smile. I recalled meeting a maybelline model named Tomiko (below). She was another darker skinned woman. I was a mentor at a young women's health summit and she was there speaking about Lupus. I watched the young women, of all races, just stare at her. She was BEAUTIFUL. It was wonderful to see such admiration of this darker skinned woman. Now understand, I like my Bouncy (Beyonce), Halle, Lena Horne and my other beautiful lighter skinned sistas. Love them. They represent us as well. No hate on my part at all. Remember, the kid is yella. :) This situation has caused some sistas to diss each other. We need to stop it. This is why I'm always quick to show love. We need the support. We need to know we all are beautiful. Let's end this madness. I'm no fluke.


Nina Simone

Erykah Badu

Alek Wek

Lena Horne

Kenya Moore

Lauryn Hill

Tomiko Fraser

Vanessa Williams and Angela Bassett

Pam Grier

Sheryl Lee Ralph

Angie Stone

Beyonce

Dorothy Dandridge

India Arie




Closing doors
God reminded why I needed to change my attitude about a friend this week. Lawd. We will always be cool but sometimes, its just time to move on. The hope is that he'll see what we all see.

Friendships change and evolve and even end unexpectedly at times. We can't be scared to move forward when we know something needs to end. Otherwise, you'll stay in the same ole stuff. Keep it moving. I'm obedient. Thanks for the reminder. Closed. Peace.

CWUW
I think I need a professional mentor. This is the thought of the day so I may change my mind tomorrow. We have the research project coming up, I still have to write some of the program design and narrative for the 501c3 application, we need money, blah, blah, blah. I brain is overwhelmed with ideas. I think I need help. I think. Go visit CWUW's blog. Its coming together nicely. http://cwuw.blogspot.com

We have Paypal account. Donate. :) donations@cwuwonline.org


Senior Year
YIKES!! Pray for a sista. Mommahood is overwhelming me right now. Its almost like when she was little (0-6). Just as busy and so much to do. I take motherhood seriously so I'm trying to make sure everything we need to do is done and I'm sure we are missing a lot. Someone asked me if she's gotten her senior pictures done. I just laughed. Uh no. Thinking that I will need to get a second gig for about a year. With all of that extras that are coming up, no child support (yeah, a sista does it alone for real), we will need the extra loot.

I'm sure I'mma need my village to help me out soon.


Redenbacher
My buddy is kickin' the mixes. Go get'em!!!
http://redenbach.blogspot.com

Shake my ass
Looking for a bellydancing or african dance class.
Jim, I'm still going to do yoga. I promise (very soon).



Rhonda is out!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Other week without the scale

YAY for Rhon!! I have NO idea what I weigh and I'm not about to kill anyone...YAY!! Humanity is safe. :)

I've had NO episodes either. No purging at all. I'm still under-eating, I think but I'm working on it. As I'm regaining a sense of self, I'm regaining a better hold of this issue.

I can safely say that my eating issues really kicked in during my parents divorce. Who said that divorce isn't hard when you're adult was a liar. They went through their thing and I don't blame them for what I was doing. I was just coping. Its never been consistent. Up and down. There were years when I didn't even think about it and others when it was like air, I needed it.

Enough of that stuff.

I'm really moving to a place of healing. With all humility, I really learning to embrace the goodness in me. I give Honor to God for it but I'm learning to not look the other way when someone offers a compliment. I really just want to be a reflection of the Divine. He is showing me the way to healing and how to help others in their healing process. CWUW will be powerful! I'm soooooooo anxious for things to move faster. :)

The best thing Syd did was to dump that damn scale. I really don't care if I ever know how much I weigh again.

YAY!!!

go rhonda, go rhonda....

luck

Sensuality is me
Black chocolaty deliciousness
Woman enough
not to pimp my own sexuality
Divine, beautiful and bold
Shame you ain't seen nothing this sexy
Maybe if you're lucky, ya next woman
will be
a package, high price
both lustful and lovely
given from the heart
and between
well you know
You smile at the sight
of me
You moan at the thought
of me
Yeah, maybe if you're lucky , ya next woman
will be as
fly as me
Sweet as a honey bee
Regal as a queen
If you get a peek, then you know
You've been chosen
You didn't choose
Gap toothed sex appeal
Curvaceous
Tatted, pierced
Diva
Maybe if you're lucky, ya next woman
will tempted your imagination
make you rise
with only a suggestion
I define womanhood
and still embrace my
girly wiles
Gigglin', smilin' cuz
life is good
Maybe if you're lucky, ya next woman
will be
me

BOOTY - erykah badu

Ebony Covers: Black Cool

I love the concept of these covers.

Indeed, I celebrate my brothers. I love black men. I LOVE black men. I support you, admire you, and long for you. I wish ya'll loved us in the same manner. Other blog...yeah..I know.

Black Coolness in full effect.


Listed in no particular order.....











Footprints - Miles Davis

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Keeping Life Positive






Life is getting better and better. Finding ways to create positive vibes around me at all times and KEEPING life positive is becoming easier and easier. Our perception of situations, people, and life can be so off base at times that we make moves purely on emotion and not on reality and creating negativity when there doesn't need to be any. You may have eyes but may not be able to see....ya heard.

For me, its all about keeping things positive and on the RIGHT track even if emotionally, I feel differently. I need to keep the positive vibes flowing my way. Thank goodness also for maturity. Maturity lets you just step back and take a different view of every situation and make Positive decisions.

Where is all this coming from? There were a couple of things that occurred on my WONDERFUL night out that made me thankful for peace and a willingness for always being on the right side of the game or at least making the attempt to be anyway. I do fall short at times. Some of my friends know that I NOTICE EVERYTHING. I see little occurrences of negativity happening all around me. Its a gift (discernment) that was heighten by my ex. My ex used to grill it in my head to always know what is going on around me. Military stuff. So I notice people, looks, actions, etc. Any odd behaviors, I notice. I know when a situation or a when a person is negative. I'm not paranoid but I'll tell you if something jumped off, a sista would know. I watch people especially if they have been drinking and I watched a couple of things happen that could have gotten negative, easily. Instead, you notice and bounce it off of you and move on. Some things aren't that deep per se. Everything isn't a fight so you keep it moving.

Kept it moving. Positive friends helps in that. Last night was a fun night. I was great watching my "lil sis" turn 30 and being her authenic self; funny and lively and COOL. Its a good thing seeing a person so comfortable in their skin. Rashida is that and yes, Rashida, YOU ARE CUTE. ha! It was cool hanging with my new little crew and meeting some new folks last night. Positive people, doing positive things. Santos and the Saints....awesome group of folks. Fun chatting with them. Ericka...HILARIOUS, positive and too cute. And, Khufe, so thankful for the love, the hug and kiss, and the blessed words. You have always been so supportive of my words, thoughts and poems. I am thankful for our connection.

Last night was so full of positivity. One of my new friends was a sweet heart. In such a geninue spirit he says, "You are a very beautiful Black woman. Any Black man would be blessed to have you walk by his side. You are a Queen." You know when something is BS and when its out of a pure spirit. He expected nothing in return. It was in all honesty he chose those words and they blessed me and he was so right....lol. :)

Keep life positive.


lovesign remix (teddy riley) - Prince

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Simply in Love





Simply in love with the essence of you

I'm consumed with the possiblities of forever and the certainties of today

Heated passions, common ground are shared without strife, moving us into another level, another vibe, another thing

Nameless it remains as we find peace in this nameless connection

Simply in love with the way it is, the way its done and the way .....the way....the way

Touches unlock hidden secrets, confessions are made about pasts loves and hurts and leading us to lay down, lay down those things that hinder us from feeling this

Simply in love a with friendship that defies reason, space and time

just simply in love and its ok.....
simply in love with you
posted on myspace august 2007

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Getting my Mind Right

For some reason, as I've been working on CWUW for the past year, I've trying to share this journey with others. Today, something clicked in my brain (again) about taking CWUW 100% by the you know what and running with it, as its lone leader. Yes, I'll still need a working board of women and men who are committed to the mission but I can step out and truly lead, alone.

With W2W, even though I was the program director, I truly tried to share my experiences with my employees and volunteers. I try to give them opportunities to learn skills to improve their lives. I didn't have to be the "PROGRAM DIRECTOR". I was good with being "Rhonda from Woman to Woman". With CWUW, its different. I need to be the FACE of CWUW. Its out of character for me but its needed. I'm no performer. The spotlight doesn't call me. I just want to help folks but I'm seeing the plan.

Didn't I just write this blog some weeks ago?

Step ya game up Rhon! Get ya mind right.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Dearest Love




It seems you came to me
like an angel from God's bosom
saving me
from my own mind
of
entrapment and loss
my dearest love
When I see your face
I smile
your voice finds a warm place
in my soul

I rise again
to be
strong and vibrant
my dearest love

What words can provide

thankful feelings
you saw love in me

when my reflection

was empty

my dearest love
I awakened to fly again
to move
towards higher heights
afraid that I must move on
move forward without the one
who nurtured
my spirit, loved me dearly
my dearest love
my love for you will never cease
but has changed
I will leap

without holding your hand

or needing your touch
but my heart will be towards
you
always
for you are
my
dearest love

July 7, 2008
inspired by the ending of a relationship that blossomed into a strong friendship