Sunday, August 16, 2009

6 days

No watching her do the chicken head, the stanky leg, or whatever dance Beyonce put in her video.

No more praying that the music blasting isn't coming from my apartment and PLEASE let there be no "bitches and hoes" mentioned.

No more getting phone calls from teachers saying, "Ms. Bayless, I really love your daughter and she's a joy to have in class but she issss a little too social and I can't get her to stop talking."

All I can say is, I did my best to raise a good person to give to the world. My goal wasn't to raise the next president, athlete, etc. I wanted my daughter to embrace life, to be confident, and to understand that she is here to give to others when she can.

You are wonderful kiddo. I continue to pray for your safety and that your heart will continue to be open to receive love and wisdom.

New Eyes

From February 19, 2004 at 5:50am until August 16, 2009 7:55am, I've had to embrace a new reality. The death of my mom changed it all and I've had to learn to see the world with new eyes. No longer was I seeing the world through family constructs or established roles. I was naked. I was reborn. God pushed me out and said "Go!"

The hardest thing to do is to look into the darkness and see your issues, your messes, your troubles. Its hard to face the demons that haunt you. With new eyes, the darkness can be seen as a blessing, your messes can be overcame. My eyes, these new fresh pair, have revealed so much about the inner workings of Rhonda L. Bayless. I've been able to address my bulimia, my control issues, my body image issues, and my need for vulnerability. I've accepted that I am strong and that God will have me to be his warrior and that I can be a voice, putting all ego aside because HE has the plan and I but a servant. My new eyes sees a beautiful 41 year old woman, smart, goofy, focused, open, and voluptuous. I'm still a work in progress and I'm ok with it.

Here I am. 2009 and my child is 18 and embarking on her next journey which means, I'm about to embark on mine as well. New eyes have revealed that I'm no longer surrounded by old friends. They are distant geographically or in spirit. Everyone in my sphere is new to me and interesting enough, younger. What does that mean? I don't know but I'm allowing myself to just live in this moment. Whomever comes into my world is meant to be there for a moment or a lifetime. I will allow Wisdom to have her place and move through me. I will continue to smile. I will be this Rhonda with new eyes, new hopes. I will be ok with the ups and downs of birthing a vision. I am a Warrior. I am Revolution. I am Strength. In all of my weakness, I am Mighty because of the power of Yeshua, the power of the Divine who daily reminds me that I AM is Here.

This has been a challenging year thus far. Looking into the mirror is difficult. To say, I'm beautiful even with THIS body has been hard but THIS is Rhonda, on August 16, 2009 at 8:12am with new eyes, RENEWED.