Saturday, January 30, 2010

moving blogs over

I'll be moving some of my myspace blogs over.


I will get back to that level of blogging soon.

[rHonDa]



The kid

I must say that I'm divinely blessed.

I love her.

She loves me.

jibberish

passively I see you there...I wink and I smile
your attention will fulfill
an emptiness I can not explain

she gives to me
she touches gently my hand
she stares
not enough....not enough


I look the other way
see this one with knowledge of the gods
naturally touched by the divine
I speak, she speaks
emptiness seemingly disappears
but just for the moment
I reach for kind words
but not from the one who is there

she offers her heart
she offers her love
she offers her body
I turn it all away

consumed.

Running for the hills

The moment of truth....is now. I'm running for the hills. As much as I blogged about love, I'm coming to the revelation that I don't trust anyone to do it. So, I may have to run for the hills again. I've been single for so long that maybe I'm terrified of the entire process.


As much as I admire every man in my circle, I can't say I trust any of them. That's VERY deep, twisted, and hurtful but I really just thought about it. Who do I trust in my world that is male? As much as long for male energy, I find it hurtful, deceitful, and abusive.

so are YOU running yet.....


I'm not jaded because I know that its MY issue. I know (when I'm sane) that men can be committed, loving and trustworthy. I haven't experienced it but I've seen it for others so I know its real.

Maybe I haven't really experienced that 'true love' thing. Maybe I'm still wondering if I'm good enough. Maybe I'm PMSing and will read this next week and think....what the hell was I on.

Maybe its all of the above. Clevawords is about me being RAW and honest and even exposed.

I'm being real. Even as the women's health guru, I suffer from the same "disease" as women. I'm in recovery from abusive and neglectful relationships, a distant father, and utter confusion about men.

Heal thyself.

Working on me is so important. So maybe its time for me to retreat. Maybe its time for me to just let go of any possibilities of anything right now because I'm emotionally ....well...off.

I really don't know....but I do have on my gym shoes. I'm looking at the hills and I got my jog going on.


I could careless what anyone thinks about my vulnerability at this point. I don't care if I sound like a nut. I'm not superfreakin' woman. Hell....i'm human...AND I'm a woman. If one man could recognize that, they win the prize...lol.

jog, jog, job.....I'll return from the hills....renewed and truly ready for the person who is truly ready for me.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

going back to therapy......nutty.

past is the past

spoke with some folks at the damien center about my time there...in the past


It was difficult. By the end, I really hated that I was asked to do it.


I'm not returning to dark places.


There's nothing there but ugly.


not going back....I'll never speak of those times again.
feeling so exposed
candle in dark places
illuminating possibilities
lighting the way
each step is closer
yet blinded
exposed for the world
at times
empty

Thursday, January 21, 2010

love obsession

my mom was obsessed with love. She loved everything and everyone but most of all she loved my father. She wanted to "be in love". She wanted to talk, hold hands, share....and love. Unfortunately, she didn't marry a man that would do any of that....at least not while they were married.


She desired LOVE.


I'm my mother's child. I'm obsessed the need for it....and I have no idea why. For years I've put it aside and focused on work and the Kid. Something has come over me in the past year. I've looked around and realized, I NEED someone. I need to talk. I need to vent. I need someone to CARE FOR ME.

I love all of the folks that say....."just wait"....blah blah blah. I'm not joining eharmony anytime soon but I'm so ready. UGHHHHHHHHH....I hate saying it.

I hate this disparate plea. I HATE it. I have to be real with me.

I've never been so insecure either. I have some real reflection to do.


skin hunger. Love.

la la la la la......

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

just wanna be loved.

Monday, January 18, 2010

mind fuck

depression.

more ppl have this illness than most others combined. don't you think we are conditioned to hate our lives, our bodies, our families....we are trained to think we need MORE and that we don't have enough.

I'm a victim of this madness myself. Being naturally "heady" and introverted, I look inward for solutions for everything. The blog allows me to get out of my head or I would implode.

We spend a part of our lives trying to figure out how to undo the deep rooted programming. This country has managed how to indoctrinate its citizens into the concept of self loathing.

Look at the commercials. We can't understand how others living in shacks can identify with being happy and satisfied. How could they? They don't live in houses they can't afford. They don't have more bathrooms than people. What would they know about being happy?

depression.

the one thing I can say about this country, if there is an illness, there is an industry. Pills, hospitals, marketing, doctors, etc, etc....lots and lots of bandaids....never the cure. Think about it. When has the medical community cured anything? We create these problems, create an industry, and in the most skillful way, we give blamed for it all ie Obesity.

so what do about depression? can't move. That's out.

Make your as realistic as possible. Love yourself as God made you. Affirm your life as being on point with God's plan. Love Love Love.....

recondition your mind. Get rid of this mind control sickness.

Hello, is anyone there?

love.

What a monster. I think I have a grip on everything but that damn word. It hasn't been an easy thing to come by and yet I feen for it like an addict awaiting the next hit.

Love.

Don't know what to do about it. I scream to the Universe, "HELLO. I'm READY."

Gotta wait. Gotta wait. Gotta wait.

lOve.

At the same time, there are suitors. There are those who would like my time and my attention but for whatever reason, something is off, not right. My Spirit says....not him even though....it looks right. Looks can be deceiving.

LOvE.

Then there are those who I have my eye on but their eye isn't on me. That always sucks. [best words I could find]. It sucks royally because you wonder why they can't see you, feel you, or what you. This is no disparate plea. Just an observation. Love me, love me not.


LOVE.

Calling out. I'm here. I'm ready. I'm waiting.

love love love

me.
clevawords

rhondas thoughts

ramblings

tick

tick

boom!

lovedrum

daydreams of blackness, manhood
empowering dreams of enlightenment
you
my warrior
god
thinking of all things possible
revolutionary
kemetic rhythms

rhythms
rhythms
rhythms

passively
accepting my regal ways
afraid to give love
words escape for only
the focus of brotherhood
freedom
but not of love
goddess
beauty
kemetic rhythms

rhythms
rhythms
rhythms

Revolutionary Confusion

Its very empowering to see black men and women trying to find a way to change the how the lack of focus of the civil rights movement as effected us today. Its empowering to see us look beyond the BS, change the paradigm (cliche` statement but still needed), and to then figure out a plan to effect change.

What I see is this confusion. There is this mindset that there is one way to skin a cat. That is a limited mindset and lacks true wisdom. We needed both MLK and Malcolm. Some think being harsh and divisive is the way to approach racism and white supermicacy in the 21st. Some think only taking the approach of Malcolm and Stokely Carmichael is the way to make changes today. We shun the MLK approach as being ineffective, outdated, and grounded in Christian falsities.

Probably.

I see folks not understanding how to strategically use both approaches to make this shift happen. We need to come together fully understanding the goal and that there are different roads to the ending we're looking for. So its not the approach but the planning.

We need to get unconfused fast.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

ramblings of love

Mother

Love

Pure

Spiritually binding

kemetic

Angelic

whimsical

I am Love

let me flow like the waves

power and peaceful

beauty

oh hear my cry of passion....

let me pour my soul

sweet glaze of honey

lovingly

Divine

Pure

Love

Mothers Milk

Nuts

One of my favorite movies is "Nuts" with Barbara Streistand.

Towards the end of the movie she tells them," No matter what you say, you can't make me nuts". I'm completely paraphasing but I feel her deeply.

As much as I hate passive aggressive behavior, I'm guilty of it. Yes, Big Ole Hypocrite.

When I feel mistreated and I'm confused by the behavior, I'll admit to acting up and out.

[ugly]

But I'm not nuts.

I bleed.

I have feelings. I want and expect love.

Sue me. God messed around and made me HUMAN.

But I'm not nuts.

and You can't make me nuts. No matter how much you try.

[untitled]

As I write, its coming from frustration and annoyance.

I am Rhonda. My path is before me and I've accepted my purpose 100%. I accept that people will come into my life to help me with this journey which includes the Freedom to be healthy.
Liberation from disease and depression is the power, the voice, the magic I bring.

I have so many people in my ear about FREEDOM, Empowerment, Healing, Revolution, Transformation, Spirituality, and Wellness. Everyone has their philosophy based on their beliefs. I'm still finding myself very frustrated with people who seek knowledge reading every piece of literature but doesn't understand the importance of wisdom and understanding. It impart knowledge is understanding what is needed for that person at that moment for their journey and purpose. This is something very much missing from some aspects of the "Conscious" movement.

Let me say, I've met some that are in the community teaching and educating. There is application. There are outcomes. There is focus. Anything that is chaotic only breeds chaos. I had a brother as me what he thought he should be doing. I said "give back" and I said not online via a clip here and there. I said go into the community. Do something. He was silent for the most part. Application. Apply what you know. Its know difference than church folk going to church Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday. What do you apply it? When do you leave the safety of the building and really deal with the community and its ills with all of your "knowledge"?

I was look upon as "odd" from the church because I wouldn't dive into "church talk" and the same happens in the conscious community as well. (shrug) Its all good.

Let's embrace WISDOM and UNDERSTANDING as diligently as we seek Knowledge. Let's not be so quick to judge a person or assume a person isn't "conscious". You'd be surprised what I know intiutively. I'm surprised to be honest. I will continue to learn what I feel MY Spirit needs. I'm getting there. I'm growing. I've learning. Give me space. Know that I am about change, freedom, spiritual revolution.

Tap into what I need and fulfill that instead of trying to force feed me what YOU want me to know and what you want me to believe.

Let the Spirit truly move....