Friday, December 23, 2011

Sunday, October 2, 2011

believe me.....u really don't know everything.


that's for those coming here to be nosy.  seek and u will find....are u sure u want to find it?



lastly, go away.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Return of the scale

When I started working at the Damien Center, I wanted to lose about 25lbs and now that number has risen to about 50lbs.  The return of the scale has revealed that I've gain about 30lbs in the past year. I stopped working out and just worked, helped my daughter, and oh, did I say worked.  Each year I've promised myself time for me and I've yet to do it.  God has made a way. I have FREE training 3 times per week. I have an accountability partner in my daughter.  I want it more than ever.  I've been wearing these layers. We're taking them off finally with the biggest weight loss challenge I've every had to face since after having my daughter.  I was focused and this will take focus.  I have to come before work and even others.

Its so early in this process.  Lost 2lbs. More to go.  I'm ready. again.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

God protects fools and babies.....you know that saying. I'm convinced its so very true.

I have to believe in Divine justice though.  God takes care of all situations in time.  I do have to remember that all things in the dark do come to the light especially if the truth has not been fully revealed.  I'm seeing that some things are still in the dark.  Light will come.  God has to protect the heart of the fool and of the foolish perpetrator.  Yeah....today...I don't have much of a forgiving, loving heart.  AT all.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

sexob

I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.


again.


If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.


I'm free to be.

Monday, September 12, 2011

This is far from a Dre cd.......the detox

Detoxing is actually letting go of something you love but causes harm in some way. We can detox from so many things including people.  Its just like getting off any drug where you have to take it one day at a time.  I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

Never been a 12 stepper.  I need more than sobriety. I need healing. I miss it....them....and I really do.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

ramble bamble

If you are insecure, look inward.

There are no scapegoats for the way you feel about yourself.

Grass is never greener. Don't compare grass.

Mow your lawn and tend to your field.

Intuition is different than paranoia.  Know the difference.

Pray without ceasing. You can only know what you see and experience but there's more going on and in the works.  All things, good and bad, work to strengthen you and make you better. Bad things are good. Change is good. 

If you need love, look no further than to the One that dwell inside of you.

Friday, September 9, 2011

still debating on a sleeve tattoo.

hmmm......



Thursday, September 8, 2011

Look up and inward and heal.

Look in the mirror. Decide. Where are you in your life? Who are you? Where are you? Why are you making the decisions you're making? Learn from your journey.

I am a spiritual being. Not many are nowadays but I believe in a God and I believe I have a direct connection to that Spiritual Being who provides me with wisdom. I believe though we must seek this wisdom. We must know that there is something greater than our circumstances. Change will come but there is a way to handle change with grace.  God knows the end. We are to seek a way to that end and live our purpose.  What is today may not be tomorrow. I've learned this through breakups, deaths, and losses but I survived. I'm here.  I keep moving forward through all adversity and I'm learning more and more.....and more...I must pray.  I must seek the spiritual to understand and move through the physical. I still walk primarily a Christian path but I know that there is more to Spirituality than what has been taught via the dogma that is Christianity.  I've learned through reading about various religions that my approach to God can be varied. I'm a peace with this.

Today - there are things that I viewed a losses but they are gains because there is a trust in God that He/SHE knows the end and the end is GREAT.  The end benefits those I love. I am patient. All things work together for good [Romans 8:28] so the end is good.   I seek to do no harm but I am human. I make mistakes. My heart breaks every time I feel I maybe have done harm.  And there are times I've met up with hypocrisy face to face.  There are times when I've befriended it.  I scream to the heavens of my sorrow.  I seek to do no harm.  I love hard and I pursue that love.  Loving is good but I've learned it has its place and time.  Let time has its way.  Let God lead.  Pray without ceasing. 

God knows.  Plays some music and heal.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Those hard lessons of life....learn them..so you can live.

Learned a great lesson in friendship today.

Love them through it.  Leave them to learn it.  Watch them become it.

Its about the journey.  God will provide a way, protection, and truth. We have to be open to accept responsibility, to accept truth, and to learn. We have to always pray, pray without ceasing.

We are each made for our own personal journeys through life. We can't follow the map for someone else but learn our own map for life and walk through it. Friendships develop out of honesty, love, and trust. Anytime anyone of those falters, the connection has changed.  The need for that connection has changed. Even the desire for that connection has changed.  Restoration comes from first understanding there has been a change, there was a need for it, and that a new connection has to be established to return again.  This is with all levels of relationships -family, friendships, and love.  To be restored, you have to be renewed. New eyes - scales removed to see the new day. We learn that God knows the inner needs of each of us and provides an opportunity to have a space to be free of worry, free of fear, and to embrace love.  Sometimes that space comes in familiar packages, sometimes its brand new.  

I've learned today there is nothing wrong with love. Nothing. I have no shame. I have no anger.  I am pleased with my spirit. I'm pleased with my love. I'm pleased with what God is doing with my spirit in the mist of a trial. Gratitude pours from my soul.  Thank you for all understanding.  Thank you for a lesson learned. Thank you for paying attention to my life and my concerns. Thank  you for holding true to your promises (Genesis 15:1).  Thank you for simply saying - pray [meaning you want to talk with me]. You want to hear my voice in the heavens. You want a relationship with me. Thank you, God.  I love you and I love those you've put into my life for various seasons.  I pray for my friends who are my family.  I pray for honesty that comes from their souls and speaks to the heavens. I pray for their safety. I pray for their spiritual strength to fight the demons that come their way.  I pray for their freedom.

I embrace me. I'm thankful for my friendships. I'm grateful for the love I have for my friendships.  I'm ok with all things in my life at this moment.  God, I love you and thank you.  To God be the Glory in all things.

Its not here what you seek.

What is the truth? Where do you find it? Where do you look?

What are you really looking for? Honesty. Truth. What?

What is driving you to seek? Intuition? Hunger? Loss? Fear?

The biggest part of this.....is to start in the right place. 

Start with Prayer.

Psalm 34

1I WILL bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.    2My life makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble and afflicted hear and be glad.
    3O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
    4I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
    5They looked to Him and were radiant; their faces shall never blush for shame or be confused.
    6This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
    7[a]The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him [who revere and worship Him with awe] and each of them He delivers.
    8O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.
    9O fear the Lord, you His saints [revere and worship Him]! For there is no want to those who truly revere and worship Him with godly fear.
    10The young lions lack food and suffer hunger, but they who seek (inquire of and require) the Lord [by right of their need and on the authority of His Word], none of them shall lack any beneficial thing.
    11Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you to revere and worshipfully fear the Lord.
    12What man is he who desires life and longs for many days, that he may see good?
    13Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
    14Depart from evil and do good; seek, inquire for, and crave peace and pursue (go after) it!
    15The eyes of the Lord are toward the [uncompromisingly] righteous and His ears are open to their cry.
    16The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
    17When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles.
    18The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.
    19Many evils confront the [consistently] righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
    20He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
    21Evil shall cause the death of the wicked; and they who hate the just and righteous shall be held guilty and shall be condemned.
    22The Lord redeems the lives of His servants, and none of those who take refuge and trust in Him shall be condemned or held guilty.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+34&version=AMP

Hello....what brings you...here?


disappear....


Monday, September 5, 2011

Biological....wha?

The concept of "family" has changed for me.  Family isn't only the people who are a part of a bloodline but whothose love you unconditionally, who are in your corner, and who want the best for you. Can this be your so-called blood? Of course it can.  I have great family members but I also know that "family" can destroy your soul.   I've learned to talk in terms of supportive systems, love circles, and family that reaches outside of blood and obligation. I love my Family which is made of sister friends who love me wholeheartedly and embrace me entirely.  I can't say that for some who are called family by blood.

We all need FAMILY and some of us have family by design and not by birth.  Celebrate those who God has brought into your life to love on you and let them.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

confused.

I have to really think about how I've allowed myself to be used so badly by someone for YEARS.  I know I was being used...NOW. I didn't before.  I thought I was cool with this person who really didn't celebrate our friendship but kept it in a box and secretive because of their own messes.  I allowed it.  I loved this person wholeheartedly.  I thought we'd have a great, long lasting friendship.  I pleaded with this person to stop treating our friendship as some hidden thing. We shouldn't have been that. We were just really cool.  There was some attraction but I really LONGED for the cool friendship.   Never happened.  I stayed in a box and now I know, I was never really the friend but just a....hell, I don't know.  The love I was feeling now....turning into resentment and hatred really.  I've really been treated unfairly in some way and I played myself out badly.  I allowed it.  I'm sad about it. 

Now, I have to deal with my negative energy.  There are moments when I want some sort of revenge.  I don't want happiness to find her way unto their life.   I think they are getting away with alot, they get to renew love at my expense.   I will do nothing and say nothing.  Today, these are my feelings and I recognize that I could feel differently tomorrow.  I cherished this person.  They discarded me to save themselves.   I pray that hatred doesn't find its way into my heart.  I'm so sad though.  I've been struggling for years with trust and here I go ago.  I have to look into the mirror and figure it out.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Nice has limits....

I've helped out a few folks who have taken advantage of the helping hand.

I've experienced straight out disrespect and manipulation. The amazing thing there's the expectation that you will continue to be nice and to give and engage them.  That's what you'd call foolish behavior.  At some point you'd have to say no more, not every again, move on. The interesting thing is how I become the bad guy. :/   Saying no is my right especially if you've caused harm to me and mine in some way. 

Others maybe able to deal with it. I can't.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Bulimia trying to have its way

After a long week, full of ups and downs, I see my old friend....or fiend I should say, trying to have its way. Its always been a way of coping, of finding control.  It tries to be involved and to have a say.  It changes the way I see myself in the mirror.  It wants to take my attention away and focus on negativity. My old friend....oh I mean fiend Bulimia wants to come home.

Today....I looked in the mirror and saw every place where I see fat making a new home, more comfortable than ever.  I see no beauty. I see nothing of God.  Oh...wait...that's not me. That's my old friend....[clears throat] fiend Bulimia.  She knows I've been working on new friendships like security, trust, and hope.  She's jealous.  She's wants back in.  She knows I'm finding acceptance with the body I have today so that I can appreciate the body I'll have tomorrow.   Bulimia is a trickster but she is a quick fix....like a quick hit on a crack pipe.  I know I've gained weight.  I know I'm stressed about a multitude of things but today, I choose to cope differently. I choose not to harm myself.  I choose not to believe the twisted thoughts which tell me I'm unworthy, that I'm not beautiful.  I choose to celebrate me no matter what. I choose to love me regardless of who stays by my side or who walks away.

Bulimia - we broke up.  Our friendship is over.  You can't stay here anymore.  Go away. You Fiend.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Sub-blogging.

Fucked up....complicated mindset
confusion of love and love and love

how blessed to be overly loved?  God gives you LOVE....dripping and pouring and falling out of every way.....and yet there is confusion?

walk away then and do no harm. the excess love needs to remain behind. can't go with you.

as soon as the words were said, the test was given and you failed me.   I looked for the simplest concern for me.  none was given. you deserve none in return. Give. Stop taking.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fool of me [Part.....damn]

I just got hit with it.
I just saw it.
Bullshit flung my way.
Steady as she goes.
I saw it. I felt it. I hate it.
SELFISH.
Save yourself.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
[calculator please]
Add another one
another selfish muthafucka
[smirk]
I walk now.  I walk far away now.
I saw it.  Just as a vision.
Bullshit me. You lack. You lie. You want. You need.
[plus sign, equal sign]
All things come to the light.
Who picks up the flashlight?
Just saw it.  Ignorance rests its head in bliss so it can’t see that its ignorant.
God heals. He will finish this.
pihsdneirf
[and scene]

Monday, July 11, 2011

Some corny ass shit but so what....

I imagine a partner in crime. I don't think in terms of power couple but a couple of power minds....melding.  I have my purpose.  You have yours. I take time to help you develop, process, your vision. You keep me balanced so I can complete mine.  Two visions, one legacy. My love takes care of all things me. He is proud to stay in the shadow as I cast a light.  His passion is the fuel to his talent. I'm the hype (wo)man, letting the world know, He is here, He is ready.

God has touched is heart with a road map to giving the us all love through.....everything he does. Super heroes. Unmatched in passion, purpose...and love.


Some corny ass shit but so what....

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Green Cup

All of my life my mom was a serious Coke drinker.  She could easily beat that stupid Pepsi challenge. If she came to your home, even for a short visit, she would have two things with her: a liter of Coke and her green cup.

This Green Cup was the holy grail to us kids.  For some reason,  didn't taste the same unless we took a sip out of it.  It was grimy.  Without shame, mom washed the cup probably only once per week.  She said it was her cup and that she had to let the Coke set in it.  And we didn't care.  From my generation to the next, we felt it was an honor when mom, Grandest, or Aunt Charlotte would say, "Go fill up my cup!"   All that meant was - WE DRINKING SOME COKE FROM THE CUP.  

ignore the lack of dusting. :/
Mom knew.  She would joke and say, "You didn't drink any did you?" Every kid would swear they didn't but we all new - we couldn't resist.  So where is the infamous Green Cup today?  It sits next to my mom's pic on my bookshelf.  It hasn't been washed sense she last washed it.  It is a reminder of my mom and her fun way of living her life.  My spirit longs for the day I can just see her smile again.  There is no one who as ever loved me more than my mom.

I can look at the cup....and just giggle.  Love live the Green Cup. :)

Friday, July 8, 2011

Welcome to my humanity

My heart. I have so many writings and blogs that start with just those words. Its the most guarded place of my soul. Its is my sensitive spot, my Achilles heel. My mother said its a curse and warned me that the Owens women loved hard and I'm truly cut from that cloth. I have both fear and a longing for love but I've been trapped in my mind, I think.  I've had some very hurtful and damaging relationships with infidelity being the main issue. Rejection fills my heart. [sucks]

I fear being hurt again.  I give so much of me in a relationship. I'm a partner. I'm present. I'm the buddy. I'm the lover. I get hurt.  Oddly enough, I've had apologies from every man that has hurt me. All have said that I was so present for them and they didn't know what to do.  Its not that I'm unforgiving but....so what?  The apologies are for them.  I've had to forgive without having the apologies so they come bittersweet at times.  With each apology, I get the question - "Are you married yet?"  When I say, no, they seem to be utterly surprised.[annoyed]  Why am I single?  I don't know but maybe I am still very fearful.


Being the single me is easy for right now.  I don't have to deal with rejection.  This is really a revelation made only recently.  I never thought I had this concern....I guess....until the past few months. With all of the infidelity in my last long relationship,  its scarred me. I'm building myself back up.  This wasn't me. This wasn't me.  This wasn't me.  I swear.  That was a horrible hurt that happened over and over. That fear is real.  It changed me. It changed the way I thought about myself.  It made me focus more on my work and less on me.  It made me question any man's genuine admiration for me. It split my soul. I became damaged goods....in my eyes.

I'm still wearing the layers. My weight is here to conceal myself from "them". [alien men] I came to that conclusion last year.  My Thought: If you don't like the outer layer, you won't be bothered and I'm saved again.  I didn't bet on some men being attracted to me as is.  [bulimia enters from the left] My head games were very trippy.  After prayer and I mean lots of prayer, I know that I have to love THIS body before I can succeed at any weight loss.  I know I have to find this face beautiful.  I know I have to really LOVE all of me again.  I'm definitely on the comeback.  I know this. I feel this. I be this.  So what about that fear.....its still there.  I can't lie.  I know I haven't met an AVAILABLE, capable man either so my singlehood  isn't just me being a scary cat.  I'm loving and I deserve love.  I want to be in a healthy place to give it though.  I don't know if I'm a 100% there.  When you've had someone really batter your psyche, your heart, and your spirit, its a hard journey back.  I didn't have anyone there to pick up the pieces. I've been picking them up myself.

I miss companionship. I miss intimate conversations. I miss that KNOWING you are loved.  This isn't loneliness though but just remembering what Love felt like when it was real.  God will provide the Love of my life when we both can give 100%.  I pray for him.  I really do. I have for a couple of years. 

FEAR. I'm winning.  I know it.  Rhonda. Rhonnybay. Cleva. Mom. Rhon. Or whatever you want to call me....I'm human. I fight for my humanity because it allows a space for me to BE human. I bleedWelcome to my humanity.



Thursday, July 7, 2011

A silent scream

I had a good day. I had a bad day.  The bad part of the really shook my spirit and I couldn't really process it the way I wanted to and needed to do. I needed an ear of someone uninvolved, of someone who cares enough just to let off steam, and someone who can calm my spirit.

I'm really only going to say how I felt but not the situation.  I've never been so disrespected by someone I've done so much for. That disrespect even sadden some of my staff members.  I don't want to hurt anyone for any reason.  I try my best to really help any way I can but I know that comes with a price at times. I guess, I'm feeling unappreciated as well. I think many times I walk around silent because "strength" is the armor I'm suppose to wear 24/7. When I'm upset, I feel badly for feeling upset.  I'm not a robot.

Today, I could have physical hurt another person. I was that upset. I could have unleashed all of the 'secrets' I know and could have destroyed this person in one easy step.  Instead, I paced. I tried to stay busy and I worked my ass off.  I don't have the person to come home to and unleash all of my feelings. Many days....its bottled up.  I call my girlfriend and dump but I don't want to do that...yanno.


[pout]

Tomorrow will be better. Fuck all the typos...whatever its 3:26am.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Alpha Female

I never really have bought into the "Alpha Female" stereotype too much but its something I've been called at lot and I have to admit to seeing the fight for the alpha position without me agreeing to the "competition".  I know I have an perceived confidence.  I don't back away from my opinion. I have a point of view of life and who I am.  I stand. I have an expectation or maybe an assumption that this is how everyone is inherently. I know that's a little naive to think but when I meet a person, I assume they have a point of view as I do and I expect them to express it and defend it as I do.  


Some do and many don't.

I find those who really fake at a point of view, who believe their opinion gives them a position over the next have the most issues with others -  who are ok with their take on things and who aren't shook by another persons POV.  They want to be the loudest.  They want their ideas to be embraced.  If we are thinking about the Alpha Female having similar characteristics of a powerful leader then so many have it wrong.  Leadership is more about service and guidance. Its also being willing to take responsibility for failures.  Its having many people NOT like you and finding some acceptance with it.  Its being ok with successes and failures.  Its being in the moment and a visionary.  Its embracing everyone's talent and input.  Its a sucky ass job but you're ok with it. At the same time, an Alpha-Female can be a great leader and many time...is.

Now, I've had my "moments" with others who have taken issue with "my way".  These have been both women and men.  No sexist stereotyping here.  Some men don't care for the so-called Alpha Female. Some men confuse this position with those women who are boisterous, loud, and like to fight. That's a bitch.  An Alpha-Female isn't a bitch but she can use that characteristic from time to time, if we must call it something.  I've had men take issue with my work, my lead, my way.  I've been told I needed to be more humble. I've been told that I'm too opinionated for any man to truly be able to deal with me. [giggle].  Most of the time, these statements come from men who have felt rejected when I was only interested in friendship and not anything romantic.

When women, its a little more interesting.  Most of the time, I never see the "battle" coming.  I love being around smart, engaging women.  The majority of the women in my circle are also Alpha Females in their own right. I would really just call them leaders. They have an ease about them. They aren't vying for position or attention.

I remember starting a new job and I was getting to know a group of women.  There was one woman who just snapped at anything I would say.  [scratches head] I didn't get it.  I can be very quiet in new situations.  Its the introvert in me.  I like to observe.  I like to have conversations with individuals until I can get to know the vibe of the group.  This woman wasn't having it.  I let it alone.  Then a co-worker made a comment.  He says, "Oh Rhonda, its just the battle of the Alpha Females for position."  I'm like...huh?  I just started on the gig. She was the "leader of the pack".  There's NO way I can even be looked at as an Alpha Female.  He pointed out a few things.  I was a grade above many of the women. I had more experience. I was just starting my nonprofit. He then said...."you just don't think its that deep and that's annoying."  he said with a huge laugh.  UGH!!!  I'm being me.  So, I had a one on one conversation with this young woman. It got better but never really 100%.  All I can do is say, I tried. 

I try.

I can't apologize for being me.  I was raised by 7 women. These were the strongest women I know and taught me how to be confident in being a woman and more so, in being a smart woman.  They would say you don't have to flash anything.  Just be it. I learned it early.  My daughter is the same way.  There are many situations where I don't really join in.  I listen. I enjoy learning from others.  I don't need to tell anyone what I do. I STRUGGLE with this Alpha Female title which so many have called me. I now hear, "BAWSE" a lot.  [giggle]   I'm me. I'm just here. I'm not fighting anyone for my space on this rock because its rightfully mine to take.




Saturday, June 25, 2011

Art of Seduction

I believe in seduction.

I believe there's an art to it and I believe that art is lost. Seduction doesn't involve nakedness. It doesn't involve explicit word play [well sometimes]. 

Its simpler. 
http://saddikhaliphoto.com/

Its the way I look at you.  The way I smile at you. The way I purposely move in front of you.

and you know its all for you.

Sex isn't the primary goal.  Its the mind [fuck] that is.  I want you to remember, hope, and dream about me.

Sex is easy. Too easy nowadays. Using my feminine wiles to just remain on the mind of someone who has crossed my path, and in my scope. 

Seducing me doesn't mean sexing me. 

Clothed. Eye contact. A smile. A simple word play. Seduction.

[art of]



Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Me-ness

Finding me-ness that's not connected to you-ness is difficult for me to do. Its one of those revelation moments in the year of me.  Still looking to figure out how to function without feeling the need to serve someone else and their needs. Still trying not to fix everything.  Still trying to have regular ole fun.
 This year....me-ness is still the focus.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Where to go.....

its just all a mystery
my thoughts twirling around
seeing the world move, trying not
to let my mind go
but there is you.

The eye of my self-imposed hurricane
whipping up insecurities I buried in the abyss
finding their way to the surface, exposed again
but there is you.

how do you walk away from a loving friendship
with its own codes and secrets
knowing I can be your savior and your curse
power I would freely give away just to be openly
the blessed gift bestowed,
but there is you.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Revenge is not in my vocabulary....yet




People hurt each other. I've been hurt recently. Not a debilitating hurt but just my feelings were shook. My brain was uneasy. My heart hurt a little bit. Let me say though that in my hurt I feel empowered knowing how and what I could do to seek my revenge.
 
Funky huh?

It would be simple but you can't do that to people no matter what they've to you directly or indirectly through their deeds or words.


Be thankful I'm not that chick.

Monday, May 23, 2011

[Sex Therapy]

The running joke with two of my co-workers is how "cute" they are. They talk about being in the "cute club" and how the world just knows they are cute and they just live accordingly. I always just laugh, knowing they are very serious about their cuteness.  They told me that I couldn't be a part of the their club because I'm not cute.  They told me not to be sad. I just needed to find the "sexy" club. They then told me how they were not sexy and how they are ok with it. I was told I needed to own my "sexiness" as they have own their cuteness. 

Sounds really goofy to even say. I'm sexy. [shutters]

There is no exaggeration in that story.  This is my life with my co-workers and I love them for their "cute club".  I was a little jealous of their freedom. They aren't conceited people but they are confident in their cuteness whereas this sexy label seemed more like a haunting from some ghost that wants to me learn some lesson.  I've connected the label with negativity, with unwanted attention, unwanted gestures. I believe this is a part of me wearing my extra weight like a winter's coat, refusing to take it off.  I can't be sexy with an extra few pounds, right? But then, I see me still getting the attention. I still get told about my sex appeal. So what is my issue with this label really? hmmmm.....what is "this crazy" about?

I've been trying to uphold some false image that's void of sex appeal. I need to be this community person with "an image".  What that image is- who knows but its time to get rid of that ill way of thinking. 

This is an odd blog to write. 

My sexuality is a part of me. I'm a sexual person. That doesn't mean I'm promiscuous but sex hasn't held me in some bondage or box until I tried to control how I look, feel, speak, and move. I TRIED not to be sexy.  :/

THIS is the issue that's kept the layers on me. Not bulimia. I was trying to be unattractive - unsexy so I can do the work and be seen for the work.  Letting go of feeling guilty when someone's eyes falls upon me and they are drawn to me. I'm loving me. The curvy me is fly.  Look at me and I won't turn away....anymore. 

Another layer....My healing is unfolding so completely this year. This is another thing.....baggage removed. 

sexy is as sexy does.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Connecting with God…again


 

My road with the Spiritual has been very interesting. I believe wholeheartedly when I was little that negativity, evil, the demonic, or whatever you want or need to call it, what's too pleased about my existence. At 6 weeks old, my other woke smoldering smoke and a hole by my head. Instead of the fire spreading outwardly, in went downward, causing me no harm. Thank you, God. When I was 4, I was hit by an ice cream truck. No harm. Nothing was broken. Once again at my aunts, I was hit by a car. Only my leg was broken. [My aunt was a horrible babysitter.] Thank you, God. At 6 years old, I was eating a hot dog and I began to choke. I was choking in such a way that I made no sound so my mother who was there washing dishes couldn't immediately. She just happened to turn around and began to beat the crap out of my back. Thank you, God.


It then gets WEIRD. My spiritual "connections" became more direct. At about 10 years old, I was in my room asleep and I felt hands on my legs, on my stomach, and across my chest all in an attempt to hold me down. Now, I know what you're thinking. A 10 year olds imagination is pretty dramatic but I'll I can tell you, it was real. Of course, I immediately tried to scream but I had NO control of my mouth. It began to move uncontrollably. All I could feel was evil was there and it wanted to harm me. I was TERRFIFIED. In my spirit, I kept saying, "Help me Jesus!! Help me Jesus!!" ……and it stopped. I ran to my parent's room and asked my mom to sleep in my room with me. After that, I always slept with a bible opened next to my bed with a rosary. [we were very catholic]

[I'm not crazy]

My connection with God was truly established because I knew there was a Spiritual world. I knew there were things unseen good and evil. This is what I know. I realized that I had very strong spiritual discernment. I could feel and sometimes see things in people that I knew others couldn't see. In meetings, there would be people that I wouldn't sit next to or shake their hands. I still don't allow people into my home. I feel people leave a part of them with where ever they go and I don't want lingering spirits in my home.

[I'm really not crazy]

So how does this all work with being raised a "Christian"? Well, it worked better when I was Catholic because at least Catholics talked about possession and exorcism. There was constant conversation about a real connection between this world and the spiritual one but when I became a protestant, spirituality took on a different face. It was mostly about "the devil made me do it" OR being filled with the Holy Spirit. Neither seemed really tangible to me. When I would look at people and understanding how I needed to talk with them or even if I should, it was about a "knowing". It's hard to join together my experience with the Spiritual and the so-called traditional Christian church.

My connection is beyond the very surface religion that I see pushed. God is bigger than religion and we've been taught so differently. We have God in a box. He can only do things if we do things. God can do anything for us that is needed, when its needed. Prayer is important as well as meditation. Fasting and Giving are also basic things ways of connecting with the Spirit of God. It just opens us up spiritually. So where am I today? I've been distant. I've allowed the world to keep me in a tail spin and I've only spoken with God as needed [according to me] but God misses me and I miss having that very close spiritual connection when I know I was one with the universe for the good or bad. I miss "the knowing". I miss seeing God in the wag of a dog's tail or the sounds of the birds on my window sill. I miss it all.

So I journey back to being weirdly spiritual by talking with the unseen but feeling every moment. I take in the Power of God and the Wisdom of the Spirit. If this is the "Year of Me" then it also has to be the "Year of Me and God".

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Get my Vagina Out of your Mouth!

I live in Indiana. The defunding of Planned Parenthood directly effects me and my community and yet, the people are silent and most importantly, women are silent.  Stop just "liking" statuses or retweeting a 140 character protest rant.  Get involved to save your communities.  We need to be rallying around Planned Parenthood and other women serving orgs who allow women to make healthy decisions about their reproductive health.

Indiana isn't the only state seeking to defund Planned Parenthood.  Its coming to a state near you.  Its men making decisions about the health and well-being of women and our right to choose and I'm not talking about abortion but where we want to receive our healthcare services.  Many women see their primary care physicians at a Planned Parenthood clinic.  The law signed by Mitch Daniels is illegal.  We, the people, need to make our voices heard.  Women, fight for your rights.  This is about you.  Its not about abortion.  The majority of Planned Parenthood services educate on reproductive health including abstinence.  Planned Parenthood has comprehensive adoption services.  We have to view this as an assault on women's health and not some way to stop abortions.  Abortions will continue especially now we've taken access to birth control and family planning services.

I can't let all of those who want to bring up the founding Planned Parenthood and its initial intentions as a reason to not fight for this cause.  I know about the genocidal focus of Planned Parenthood's shady, horrible past. Its all true. What is it today though? 

Save my vagina from men (and women) who only want to use it as a means to political power. Leave my vagina alone.  Instead, provide education.  Get me some healthcare.  Help me to live better.  My vagina is mine. Its not to be regulated and played with. (ok...pause that) We need to continue to fight with Planned Parenthood.  Women....stand up. Don't let anyone keep you quiet.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Simply in Love [repost]

August 17, 2007 - Friday

Simply in love with the essence of you
I'm consumed with the possibilities of forever and the certainties of today
Heated passions, common ground are shared without strife, moving us into another level, another vibe, another thing
Nameless it remains as we find peace in this nameless connection
Simply in love with the way it is, the way its done and the way .....the way....the way
Touches unlock hidden secrets, confessions are made about pasts loves and hurts and leading us to lay down, lay down those things that hinder us from feeling this
Simply in love a with friendship that defies reason, space and time
just simply in love and its ok.....
simply in love with you

Sunday, May 8, 2011

a tweet...on Mother's Day

"Bitches hella bitter they got those abortions today because, all the other hoes bitches gettin' mothers day attention..." 





 I read this today on twitter. It really bothered me.  It bothered me because it was tweeted and then retweeted.  When questioned about the RT, the person said, "Ive seen this with my own eyes".

My reply...so what?  When do we take responsibility for what we co-sign for.  We now think our "truth" out weighs decency and respect.  I don't care about how Hip Hop uses the terms bitch and hoe. We need to stop with the accuses for our bullshit.

 Not only is the woman who had the abortion  a bitch and a hoe but the woman who is being honored.  We all are just Bitches and Hoes and this is truth. I guess....

Happy Mother's Day! 



Friday, April 1, 2011

Power of Transparency

I've always been very transparent with where I am in life whether it be good or bad. At times, this transparency brings about comments that have some level of pity or some who what to save me from me. I'm free. This blog is freedom.  I share to connect with others going through similar feelings and who are too afraid to open up.   There's freedom behind every word even if my words scream of despair, fear, or confusion. I'm able to speak those fears openly because I'm seeking truth for myself.  I'm seeking the answer.  I'm seeking healing. I know those things won't ever come with silence.  My 20lbs blog wasn't about sadness but reflection of a moment and a how I need to address me and my NOW.  Clevawords....is my truth, my honesty, my freedom.

the journey continues.....

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

20lbs plus

At the beginning of fall, I was pumped and ready to take control, fully, of my body. For many years, I've battled having a eating disorder that had me so in its control that sometimes even looking in the mirror was a horrific experience.  I still have a phobia of having my picture taking. [may the truth set me free...].  During the summer, I had started a routine of working out that had me prepped for P90x.  My mind was ready.  I started my routine and went 13 days and BAM.....repeated sicknesses, mainly respiratory issues.  I couldn't breathe well from my right lung, I felt tired and worn out.


Sick.

Why was my immune system so compromised?  STRESS.  I was allowing LIFE to take over me, to control me.  I behaved as if I had to just obey whatever situation that popped up, I had to obey whatever work that was thrown my way.  I was killing myself. So, I was sick off and on for 3 months.  During these months, I gained 20lbs.  I was on my way to losing 30lbs extra prior to being sick.  Let's do the math.  30+20=50lbs.

So what does this do to a person with an eating disorder?  How do I make this right in my mind? How do I find the balance that I'm trying to teach others?

Rhonda vs Bulimia

The first thing I have to make peace with is that I'm still FLY.  I'm still smart, funny, quirky, loving, etc. The scale doesn't change anything. Then I have to not blame myself.  I've been sick. I've had trouble working out successful.  Finally, I have to realize that I'm in control and I can successful lose 50lbs in a healthy way.  There are no deadlines.  I'm only losing weight to be healthy - not for vanity, CWUW, or anything or anyone else.

50lbs. 

There are no scales in my home anymore. I used to weigh myself daily...yes, daily.  I will lose weight and shape my body into the image that I want.  [loving the selfishness of this blog]  Freedom starts in releasing our minds from self-imposed prisons.  Freedom is now.  Remember, I said this is the Year of Me and I still mean it.  God is doing a great work in me with this issue but its time to stop the on-going battle and just win the damn war.

Its time.

[No editing....leaving the typos and the mess ups - Therapy]

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Do as I say, not as I do...

In the past few months, I've had some really weird online tension with someone who I actually admire very much but we don't see to click online. I've had many online discussions, arguments even and never have I had someone misread what I've said and my intentions to this degree.  I don't want to diagnose the issue because I don't really understand it.  I think from the outside it would look very childish and as if two head strong fools are trying to out "brain" each other.  We've played all of the childhood games - unfollow, block, delete, blah, blah, blah....yeah, I've participated but I was pissed and this person made me mad....and....and (pouts).  Ok. I know....childish but still (giggles).


This past week I returned to working with the girls I had been doing a group with for the past year. I now have assistance so I can do another things.  My first day back, there was tension in the room.  Two of the girls were beefing.  We really couldn't get through the day because of the attitudes so I had to mention it.  I made them begin to talk about it.  They were not very pleased.  I guess this was the 5th attempt by some adult to squash this beef.   I knew these girls were friends and whatever was going on, should be over at this point.  So I played the role of all knowing adult forgetting I've thrown my FB and twitter tantrum with someone recently.  How soon we forget, right?  We got the girls to talking and at least expressing their feelings openly and honestly without the anger.  It was a good session of truth telling.   I can't say they will be friends but the fire has cooled down.

So what about me and this person.....should I extend the olive branch even though I'm clueless to why they got pissed off at me?  My pride says...whatever.  My pride says....they think they know it all anyway.  My PRIDE says....THEY are ego tripping.  [smh@me]  My pride talks too much.

I don't know if I'm going to follow my own lead.  I will give myself enough credit to admit that  can self check because I don't always do what I say.  I'm human.   I'll say a prayer for this friendship that could have been.  If it happens, then Hallelujah....if not....we will say...Hallelujah.  All is well. 


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Take our lives back: National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

In 1995, it was the first time I volunteered at an AIDS service organization (ASO) and in 2011, I'm still working at an ASO.  Most of those years, I was directing my efforts towards working with women to reduce OUR risk of HIV.  I love working with women but the health disparities facing black women made the work even harder.  Our attitudes towards our bodies, our lives was and is our barrier to living healthy.

We have to first agree to take responsibility for our choices. Forget the so called down low brother. Forget blaming others for our own actions.  I've come across many women who stayed in relationships when they knew their partner was cheating. I've come across many women who don't talk about condom use with their partner. I've come across many women who won't get tested for HIV and other STIs.  At some point, we have to look into the mirror and agree that our bodies, our lives are valuable and we need to take care of ourselves.

It should be said that gender inequality plays a major role in why HIV effects women so harshly. There are correlations between gender inequality and HIV infection rates.  Domestic Violence is also a risk factor for women.  We have to recognize that women have significant barriers to the prevention of HIV.  But I still challenge women not to make excuses to why we're in dangerous relationships, unable to talk about sexuality and sexual history with our partners.  We have to examine ourselves.  As much as we need men to understand the various ways they do contribute to the rates of HIV amongst women, women need to be on the forefront of fighting HIV by talking about it, becoming educated, and protecting themselves. 

HIV is preventable.  HIV is preventable.  HIV is preventable.  We must understand that we don't have to become HIV positive and if we do, we can still live a long life with proper treatment. 

Let's take back our lives and support one another.  We are able.




Thursday, March 3, 2011

God knows best

Have you ever examined why a situation doesn't occur the way you've planned or even prayed for it to happen?   Your friends and family will quote every scripture or religious text they know.  You believe it. God will give me the desires of my heart.  Stand on that Word....screams .....Hallelujah!

God?  What do you think?

crickets

I remember praying hard for someone who desired something with all of his heart.  I believed that it would happen but it didn't.   I felt for him but turned to God to show me why didn't it happen.

A few months later, a situation occurred where I experienced some behavior that made me realize why God said "No!" to this person.  I'm like.....oh THAT's why you didn't get that blessing.  Good move O.G.  

In my Christian yet very metaphysical mind, I do believe that we can create our existence through our actions.  Faith without works is dead.  We must move towards the blessing but we also need to understand that we must not only be physically ready but emotionally and more so spiritually.  After witnessing what I did with the person, I knew that the blessing would have killed him spiritually.  He wasn't ready.  God knew.  I must continue to trust that a NO is just as much as a blessing as a YES.

I'm very grateful for insight.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

That box doesn't fit me



The most frustrating time you will have with a person is trying to make the peg fit into the circle instead of getting out of self and enjoying the peg and forget about any circle. When we're seeking something, when we're in need of some sort of assurance, we don't allow people to be themselves but who we want them to be for our benefit. That causes nothing but frustration.

You miss out. You lose.





Tuesday, February 15, 2011

one time.

there are moments when my mind loses its way. there are moments when a slow hand, warm heart, and divine love are the rhythm of my soul. there are moments when your lips become salvation. I say amen. I say ashe.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

What is your Revolution?

WHAT IS YOUR REVOLUTION?
 
What is your plan to make your family, community, nation, and world a better place? 
No more couch revolutionaries needed. No more talk. Its time to reclaim our place and our future. 

WHAT IS YOUR REVOLUTION?
No need to join any organization. Start with yourself.
Start with being HEALTHY.
Start with your family. Start by understanding YOUR purpose. 
Let the REVOLUTION begin in YOU.

We need a new breed...Leaders, Stand Up, Organize

Stand up everybody, this is your life
Let me take u to another world, let me take u tonight
U don't need no money, u don't need no clothes
The Second Coming, anything goes
Sexuality is all u'll ever need
Sexuality -- let your body be free

C'mon everybody, yeah, this is your life
I'm talking about a revolution we gotta organize
We don't need no segregation, we don't need no race
New age revelation, I think we got a case

I'm OK as long as u are here with me
Sexuality is all we ever need

Reproduction of a new breed -- Leaders, Stand Up, Organize
Reproduction of a new breed -- Leaders, Stand Up, Organize
Reproduction of a new breed -- Leaders, Stand Up, Organize
Everybody...
Reproduction of a new breed -- Leaders, Stand Up, Organize
One time say...
Reproduction of a new breed -- Leaders, Stand Up, Organize
Reproduction of a new breed -- Leaders, Stand Up, Organize

We live in a world overrun by tourists
Tourists -- 89 flowers on their back...inventors of the Accu-jack
They look at life through a pocket camera... What? No flash again?
They're all a bunch of double drags who teach their kids that Love is bad
Half of the staff of their brain is on vacation
Mama, are u listening?
We need a new breed -- Leaders, Stand Up, Organize
Don't let your children watch television until they know how to read
Or else all they'll know how to do is cuss, fight and breed
No child is bad from the beginning... they only imitate their atmosphere
If they're in the company of tourists, alcohol and US history
What's to be expected is 3 minus 3... absolutely nothing

Stand Up, Organize
We need a new breed...Leaders, Stand Up, Organize
I wanna be in the new breed, Stand up, Organize
Sexuality is all I'll ever need
Sexuality, I'm gonna let my body be free
Sexuality is all I'll ever need
Sexuality, I'm gonna let my body be free
Sexuality

Controversy music - All rights reserved. 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Don't look any further: Leadership

So what is the issue with new leadership? Why do we continue to complain about leadership so much?

We're looking for an old school way of community leadership to emerge. We're looking for Malcolm and Martin when we should be looking at everyday women and men who are working hard in our communities daily. I'm trying, myself, to determine what my place is in new leadership and how I can further process the issues that concern me. Leadership is needed all around me. I do wonder if I should fill the gap. 

At the same time, I see the potential of so many who could be great leaders and who want to serve but somehow we've lost basic advocacy skills in our communities.  We are fearful of making assertive movements towards change mainly because of push back and negativity.  We must become fearless. We must be more concerned with improving the lives of present and future generations than being talked about. Leaders aren't perfect and will never be. I will always be flawed and I will always strive for my own personal improvements as I seek to assist and serve my community. Its a process.

 Engaging people in leadership and in community involvement is tricky.  When I speak of leadership, I'm speaking of doing the work and not just making speeches. I'm speaking of strategic planning and not just being in the limelight.  We have those opportunist in our communities who seek public praise on the backs of those suffering.  Its tricky.  I've not been too quick to call myself an activist or even a leader.  I've been given those titles and I'm learning to be accepting of those roles.  Its a process. I do see a need to teach individuals how to be effective at advocacy.  Corporations are able to do so much in our neighborhoods because we don't know how to mobilize and advocate for our needs.  Power to the people; many people, one voice.  We can do this.  I believe.

I charge more and more people to get involved.  Stop complaining and do.  Do something.

How to Advocate for what you believe in?

Monday, January 31, 2011

The Day She Died

February 19, 2011 will be the anniversary of the death of my mother. I find myself always needing to revisit that long night and early morning right before she transcended.  Its the last moment when I touch her. 7 years have drifted past and yet time hasn't moved. I can cry as if the moment is being relived right in front of me. She left.  She moved on.  She knew we would be fine. She knew in her death I'd gain strength.  She knew I'd never fear anything again.  My mother died. I was there when the last breath came and went.


I am motherless.  Spiritually, I know my mother is ever present.  She responds to my call as all the ancestors do but her laughter was healing and is missed. She was loud.  She was passionate.  She was a giving soul and loved until it hurt. She was magic. I miss it all.  I miss her getting on my nerves with corny jokes. I miss her being mad at me because I didn't call her. I miss her loving me through all of my flaws and failures.  She made me believe I was the greatest.  I believed her.   But she needed for me to believe in ME.  I needed to be able to look in the mirror and love me without her working to convince me of something I should have known.  So she left so I can live. I understand Ma. I truly do.  I can't wait to hear you laugh and tell a corny joke. I can't wait to hug you again.


I think about the day she died constantly.  It was the day she gave birth to me.....again.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

dream a dream

Dream.

a text message from someone stating - "I love you." This someone is distant physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Dream.

a little boy sitting on a bench, legs swinging, looking at me, smiling.....he knows me and I know him. Its love.

Dream.

What do you do with dreams that make no sense? Do you analyze or figure the dinner has manifest itself into people, places and things?  These two dreams were quick but I woke up immediately because they were very confusing.

They will manifest, come alive, in some way or I need to watch what I eat for dinner.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Be Love...at all times

Its so very hard to stay positive with negativity flowing like Willy Wonka's chocolate river. Let's try.  Let's try to push past negative words, negative treatment, and negative attitudes by seeking positive solutions.  Hurt feelings can creep up.  For me recently, my feelings were hurt and I became confused by the dismissive treatment I've received by someone I really admired. I responded in a passive aggressive manner but quickly realized....this person's treatment of me says nothing about who I am.  I had to change my disposition and move forward and even more so continue to...love. 

I'm not speaking of romantic love but a pure, heart felt love for the human condition.

Life will always show up. People will always reveal their TRUTH in action. So Love.  Continue to aspire for greatest. Continue to be compassionate.  Continue to allow the power of the Holy Spirit flow through you and guide you to the next levels of greatest to honor the Creator.  In all things, be humble for we all have been created with purpose. We are all Stars. We are all worthy. Never mistreat another soul but if you do, return with apology asking for forgiveness.  If you've been harmed, forgive. Let go of the hurt and in turn release it back to God and move forward in Love.

We've been given such a powerful gift. Love is greater than all things.

 As my mom would say, love.....love....and then love some more.

Monday, January 24, 2011

idol

Admiration poured from my soul connecting to thought and puprose and driven by love of humanity

Agape.

my desire was not one to seduce. My wiles were contained in a jar for another time, another soul. 

words never met words with truth, never provided space for mutual regard

Anger.

why am I angered? Left feeling debased. why? did you think my wiles, my admiration should bow down? Power play. tug.


rejection.

death by ego.


ReThinking Oprah Magazine

I've passed Oprah's magazine many times on the newsstand. I've admired how sometimes O looks like my mom but then I quickly turn to Jet, Ebony, Village Voice and other mags that still grace us with their celebrity news, world events, and UFO reports.  I was at the airport looking for a couple of magazines to read on the plane and I decided to take a chance on Oprah.

I bought the mag plus Essence.  I thumbed through Essence first.  Essence is Essence. [shrug] I move to Oprah's mag with hopes that it wouldn't be filled with ads of blond white women, articles about Martha's Vineyard and more of Oprah's favorite things.  The first ad I see - Blond White Woman.  [deep sigh]  I didn't give up.  I flipped and flipped the pages before reading anything.  I wanted to see what O had to offer a 43 year old Black, single mother, living in the Midwest.

 Give me something O. 

I continue to flip and I see an article about the founders of the Rebecca Project, two awesome sistas serving women in the DC area.

Perk

I'm into it now.  Let me flip some more. There's a brief article on Carla Boutin-Foster, Director of the Comprehensive Center of Excellence in Disparities Research and Community Engagement, a fabulous organization serving people in NYC by providing healthcare services like medical van tours to barbershops offering free on-site diabetes and blood pressure screenings.  I'm beginning to love Oprah's mag. 

I read an article about Asian mothers and about Mary Williams, the "daughter" of Jane Fonda and her life living with Jane as a young black woman.  I had no idea.

The diversity of the magazine is to be appreciated.  Oprah does try to give you a slice of life from the perspective of women...period. Some may still pass on it but I'd say, try it on for size just once.

Just once.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Don't Believe the Hype

We are gifted.  We are talented. We are fabulous.

Confidence is what drives us to fulfill our dreams and fly beyond expectations.

In all of our successes, we can not get caught up in celebrity, in our own hype.

Don't believe the hype because it will come to fail you at some point. Believe that you are empowered to live a purposed driven existence.  Believe that you are a powerful child of God who is loved. And believe, we all are.  We are unique and yet we are not unique.

Arrogance and Ego are the culprits. They will trip you.  You shall fall, hard.  Allow the mirror to be as honest as it can be.  Check ya self.  Check your posture.  Check your attitude.  Check the way you treat others.

We are living in a time when celebrity is more important than honesty.  We are living in a time when reality is scripted and consumed as entertainment.

Examine hype when it comes.  Praise has its place.  It should be given only when deserved and should be rarely expected.

God will give you honor.