Friday, July 8, 2011

Welcome to my humanity

My heart. I have so many writings and blogs that start with just those words. Its the most guarded place of my soul. Its is my sensitive spot, my Achilles heel. My mother said its a curse and warned me that the Owens women loved hard and I'm truly cut from that cloth. I have both fear and a longing for love but I've been trapped in my mind, I think.  I've had some very hurtful and damaging relationships with infidelity being the main issue. Rejection fills my heart. [sucks]

I fear being hurt again.  I give so much of me in a relationship. I'm a partner. I'm present. I'm the buddy. I'm the lover. I get hurt.  Oddly enough, I've had apologies from every man that has hurt me. All have said that I was so present for them and they didn't know what to do.  Its not that I'm unforgiving what?  The apologies are for them.  I've had to forgive without having the apologies so they come bittersweet at times.  With each apology, I get the question - "Are you married yet?"  When I say, no, they seem to be utterly surprised.[annoyed]  Why am I single?  I don't know but maybe I am still very fearful.

Being the single me is easy for right now.  I don't have to deal with rejection.  This is really a revelation made only recently.  I never thought I had this concern....I guess....until the past few months. With all of the infidelity in my last long relationship,  its scarred me. I'm building myself back up.  This wasn't me. This wasn't me.  This wasn't me.  I swear.  That was a horrible hurt that happened over and over. That fear is real.  It changed me. It changed the way I thought about myself.  It made me focus more on my work and less on me.  It made me question any man's genuine admiration for me. It split my soul. I became damaged my eyes.

I'm still wearing the layers. My weight is here to conceal myself from "them". [alien men] I came to that conclusion last year.  My Thought: If you don't like the outer layer, you won't be bothered and I'm saved again.  I didn't bet on some men being attracted to me as is.  [bulimia enters from the left] My head games were very trippy.  After prayer and I mean lots of prayer, I know that I have to love THIS body before I can succeed at any weight loss.  I know I have to find this face beautiful.  I know I have to really LOVE all of me again.  I'm definitely on the comeback.  I know this. I feel this. I be this.  So what about that fear.....its still there.  I can't lie.  I know I haven't met an AVAILABLE, capable man either so my singlehood  isn't just me being a scary cat.  I'm loving and I deserve love.  I want to be in a healthy place to give it though.  I don't know if I'm a 100% there.  When you've had someone really batter your psyche, your heart, and your spirit, its a hard journey back.  I didn't have anyone there to pick up the pieces. I've been picking them up myself.

I miss companionship. I miss intimate conversations. I miss that KNOWING you are loved.  This isn't loneliness though but just remembering what Love felt like when it was real.  God will provide the Love of my life when we both can give 100%.  I pray for him.  I really do. I have for a couple of years. 

FEAR. I'm winning.  I know it.  Rhonda. Rhonnybay. Cleva. Mom. Rhon. Or whatever you want to call me....I'm human. I fight for my humanity because it allows a space for me to BE human. I bleedWelcome to my humanity.

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