Tuesday, September 30, 2008

2:47 pm

The other day, a co-worker said to me, "You are so strong. You are a great woman!" Yesterday, a friend said to me, "You are a great woman. You are so beautiful." Today, my kid told me that I was a wonderful mother and that she loves me.

My eyes cannot see greatness and wonderment. I cannot see beauty or strength.

I see need. I see passion. I see obedience. I do because it is right. I do because its in my heart.

Kind words are very interesting. How you allow them to lay rest in your mind is all that matters. Am I great? Am I wonderful? Am I beautiful?

Truth is also in the eye of the beholder. Right?

Who am I?

I am all and nothing.

Monday, September 29, 2008

distance learning

new meaning for me today.

and then God speaks

So I write about the inner man speaking and if not a few minutes later, God has his say on a situation. Door slammed shut. Now the door was closed but I entertained opening it up probably out of boredom, I guess. Almost immediately, God was like, NO. Words were said that sealed the deal and that is done.


That season is over.

There is another friendship I'm still wondering about. I don't know the reason for it just yet. As much as I TRY to close that door, its still open. I guess I need to stop trying to close it and wait for God speak on it.

All of this is vital because for us introverts, friends, lovers and just people in general are powerful energy sources that can drain us. Being selective is important. I really like only having a small group of people in my sphere at a time otherwise I feel like I have a vacuum attached to my soul and the life is being sucked out of me. HA....then I have to go sleep for a day just to be rejuvenated. Gotta listen to inner man. I know the one particular friendship will play itself in whatever way God wants it to play. I need to be patient and let him handle that.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

the inner man speaks

Have you ever been in a relationship, friendship, or partnership and you've wondered if this is where you need to be?

I know I've been in situations where I can actually do a checklist.

They fit everything I've prayed about. They fit everything I seemingly need. They fit.


But then your spirit is always a little off center. Not way off. Just a little. Just enough to keep your mind wandering every now and again. Doesn't have to be in just love relationships but even in friendships. Its not off enough for you to leave the person alone but enough to make you notice. You could appreciate everything that person had done for you. You could appreciate their support. It throws you. You ignore that "thing" that tells you something isn't 100% with this person.

What do you do?

I actually leave the person alone. I've had people, who I seemingly got along with, wonder what the hell happened to the friendship. I had a relationship with someone that was really perfect. NOTHING was wrong except I had that "thing" that said..well...no. I didn't fight it. I didn't try to make it happen. I loved the person. They are great BUT I think God was having me to recognize they weren't it. I walked away.

I really think we need to listen to the little tiny voice in our spirit...just saying...this isn't it before the voice gets loud.

if it doesn't fit, don't force it...

last night

last night
I crawled into your
deepest dreams

you wondered
"How did you get here?"
Been there.
Close your eyes
Let the dream begin

play the sub
play the dom
play the game
let's play love

nakedness taken over
finally bodies
its me
licking your bottom lip
on their own exploration

breathe on me
as I take one leg
over here
over there
wake up wake up
not be reality
but reality as taken over the

written 9/2008

Becoming a Smoking Nazi

Even after mom's death, I vowed not to become some smoking nazi. I vowed to let folks do their thing with their bodies but well....I've changed.

I remember meeting a woman who had lung disease. She was in the emergency room. She told me that she had never smoked a day in her life but her husband was a heavy smoker and this is how she got lung disease. :(

Growing up, both parents smoked. My clothes always smelled like cigarettes. People would ask me for a square and when I'd go "I don't smoke" they would look at me crazy. And when I saw that commercial with the little girl buckled up in her car seat with the windows rolled up, car full of smoke, and she couldn't do anything but sit there. That was me. My eyes would burn so badly that I would have to run water on them. I didn't understand the appeal and I still don't.

I watched my mom battle double pneumonia and lung cancer. Survival rate of stage IV of lung cancer - less than 2%. Well damn.......

I don't want anyone to die from this or any other tobacco related illness. This is just a personal mission. I really don't understand why any young person (anyone under 35 especially) would pick up a cigarette.

Mom had been smoke free for 8 years for before her cancer diagnoses.

stop if you can.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

When I close my eyes

Let me hide in your soul and whisper tender words never spoken
can I breath the same
air without feeling lost in your everything
just the
possibilities of your touch one day
just being in the same room opens up
all of God's wishes and deepest dreams
for me and you
lavender and villa
permeate my existence
a dove on the windowsill
peace and love so close by
I breath and I think of you
without lies and deceit
my spirit aches daily
as if a knife moves
slowly from by back into my spine
I can see into your wishes and dreams
I pray for you in the night and in the day
I believe that
my world is there
for every reason and again
none at all
Oh the Divine sings
just at the thought of you
precious love
move away from perception
what you think of in the deepest
rings of truth
a dream manifest

I just closed my eyes and wrote. This is what came out of me. I have no idea what it means. lol

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Kindness of Strangers

Today, I was walking downtown. I had to get to the Mayor's office before they left to pick up a letter. As I was walking, my mind, which never just stops, was thinking about all sorts of stuff.

I hadn't worked out this week especially since my back is still so messed up and now my stomach is all full of acid. Yuck! I was feeling like a stuffed pig. I wasn't feeling as cute as I was earlier in the day. I was just feeling BLAH and very uncute.

So I continued to walk and this man was standing there; older man. I didn't think he even seen me. He turns to me and says, "Well Heeellllooo Beautiful!" I just busted out laughing. He gave me the biggest smile. I think he knew it was very timely.

You never know what a kind word can do for a person.

Hitting the gym hard on Saturday....:)

Monday, September 22, 2008

Pit Bull

Do you ever wonder if a pit bull sometimes doesn't wanna be a pit bull? Maybe he wants to be a happy little dog that runs and jumps and plays and likes to get his belly rubbed. Maybe he just wants to sleep in the corner all day and be lazy.

But when people see a pit bull, they see viciousness. They see a dog that can't be loved. They see a fighter.

The pit bull just wants to be a dog.

Today I was talking with a friend about stuff, my stuff. I was telling him about stuff going on with CWUW and just all the stuff I have going on that's actually stressing me out. He's response to me was, "You'll handle it. That's your gift. You handle stuff."

WTF does that mean?

Well, I know what it means. Rhonda has a cape and her magic lasso.

This blog has been written before. I've not learned the lesson cuz here I am again. Back out. Tired. Stressed and yet, I have to be strong, right? Fuck that. I'm not going to kill myself trying to be the pit bull because that's what the world wants me to be or has pegged me to be. I built to last but damn, I'm sure the energizer bunny takes a damn break.

I say, let the pit bull be. Maybe it has ability to be more vicious but maybe it has the ability to be loving. I can take a hit. I can take a lot and stand strong through adversity. It IS a gift but damn, even a gift can be abused. I think I abuse it. I allow myself to be the pit bull. Its really getting to the point where I just can't do it anymore. I have to really think about prioritizing.

My daughter said something to me tonight that was so profound and yet so simple. We were talking about her car and all that work it needs. I said, "Dang, just one more thing on the list." Syd quickly said, "It doesn't have to be mom unless you make it." I got it.

I got it.

Tonight I've decided I need to just cry. Not out of sadness. Not out of a lack of Hope or Faith. I'm just tired.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


Realized I cared
I let my soul be touched
and my heart caressed
foolishly, I gave into
the game
I can't say when or why or how
but I think of you in the dawn
finding it necessary to
push away
turn away
letting silence be my salvation
Its unfair that I must
feel shame
for saying words
that come from real emotion

My eyes are closed to you
I turn away, hoping to regain me
in that moment before I knew you
even existed
I can only carry so much
of this weight
My dance had a partner
participating, leading, and even guiding
each step of the waltz
almost appearing choreographed
and I followed so very willingly

I've cried, repented and prayed
but why?

Every word
ever spoken from my lips
were true
I am your Friend
but not in the shadows
not in notes and lines on paper
to be erased so no one knows
If I'm to be hidden
I'm shame
I'm regret
I'm lust
I'm secrets
I'm confusion
I'm not real
but just a fantasy
that fulfilled some
empty spot
for a time
in a soul
in a heartbeat

My soul says
I'm Real

Realized I cared
and I simply wanted
to keep caring
clandestine, we were
and I'll never be again
open and real
and true
and continues
to be True
but I must
save me
I must be
I must be real
I must be honest
You are my Friend
no matter if I never
speak a whispering word
or smile a smile
or laugh over nothing

Just Realize, I cared.

Today has been a brilliant day of inspiration. Its been a day when God kisses you so gently on the forehead and tells you to just let go and everything will be alright. So, I'm just letting go of it all, as much as I can, and will allow God to be true and to be God.

Today simply has been a day of Rhonda loving Rhonda and that's been good. Its been a day to just say, "Ok, this is what it is. What is the next step?" I see the step and I'm taking it.
New paths, new journeys, and new people to share my world with. Maybe one season is over or maybe its never even begun. I don't think the story has ended BUT there is a needed break because I need it.

This poem is the most heart felt poem I've written in awhile even though its not the best. Its 100% Real and 100% about my world. So many time people do guessing games about what i'm writing about. No guessing needed. I'm being introspective like a mutha. I need it.

Romans 8:28 in full effect.

Setting me Free

You know the saying if you love someone let them go....blah, blah, blah. I wonder if that applies to self. After my moms death, I've become controlling...ok, ok...more controlling and its a fight to let go. Its a fight to let go of that Rhonda that was in survival mode just a couple of years ago. I'm still there. I'm still fighting something (shrug).

Do I really want to let that person go?

That would mean I would have to trust folks again. I find it easier NOT to trust folks and just do what I need to do. THERAPY NEEDED but whatever. With some recent CWUW activities, I've realized that its hard for me NOW to put anything I love dearly in the hands of someone else to care for. It drives me insane and people who have to learn this new Rhonda, really would rather not receive an email from me. Gigglin'

I didn't use to be like this but this new Rhonda.....lawd. I like her but she is a trip.

I've redefined family. I've redefined friendships. If you're in, you're in. If you're out...cya later dude, peace and have a happy life. I can't live in the gray with people who want to be in my world and yet do nothing really suck the energy out of me. I can turn on you quickly...but in a nice way of course. :) I'll just disappear. FAMILY needs to be that, FAMILY. FRIENDS need to be true FRIENDS Rhonda's world to function.

And yet,

Do I really want to let this person go? Are there good qualities in being this way? Survival Mode. I really don't know. I don't need all of the same skills anymore and I love "her" for being able to step up in every situation and DEAL. She is Fiyah really but she is tiring me out. Looking for the off switch. Ironically, she will be the one to figure this out, the survivor. That part of me will force me to move onto the next thing with no problem or issue. She will remind me of Romans 8:28. She'll remind me of Genesis 15:1. She tell me that the God in me needs to BE. Move Rhonda aside and chill for a minute. See...she's cool...just a little nutty. Recently, I was having a convo with someone and they called me dramatic and I actually laughed because yeah, I WAS being a DRAMA QUEEN but there are times when Angela Basset needs to bring out Tina....bring the drama.....it was me trying to survive in that situation. Can't apologize for that. Rhonda MATTERS. I'm real. I'm human. I feel. If I have to bring the pain so you know this, call me Meryl.


So....do I let her go....I love her. Maybe she just needs a leash. Maybe I can tuck her away for another day, another Valley, another stressful time when I need to put on my cape and do my thing.


aight....goin' to shake my groove thang (yeah...i'm sooooooo 40, LOL)


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Underrated - KD Lang

I love her voice. I've always admired her voice but I've really just embraced her recently. I love her. LOVE HER!!!!!!

Seek out her music. BEAUTIFUL.

K.D Lang singing a Patsy Cline tune.

Makes me teary eyed.

"leavin' on your mind" - I feel this song in my spirit.

The lyrics are just so true. So many think its best to hold on.....NO, just leave....."get it over....if leavin' is on your mind"

Lawd.....cry, cry, tear, tear :)

Just take care of business

With all I have to do in my world personally, professionally, I have a need and expectation for people will be responsive and handle business. What the hell is really going on? I did a blog at http://clevawords.blogspot.com some time ago about Indianapolis and the way people handle business here. Not all but damn.... The attitude is too much for me to deal with. If is not the attitude, its the laziness, slothfulness....grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I was use to this in working in the HIV arena and I really just thought it was just in that arena people did stuff half ass.....uh...NOPE.

I've decided that I would have a spirit of excellence with CWUW and future businesses but damn its hard when others don't themselves. Yeah, I fail at times myself and I kick myself in the ass for it. I am obedient to what I'm called to do and I WILL do it as Jesus himself was standing over me. Its hard for me to waiver. I'm learning why successful folks are called mean, bitchy, selfish, etc. Its the only way (on some level) to get stuff done. I can no longer keep saying, "Ok, its me. I'm too controlling. I need to just back off and let things ride." NAH......I want CWUW to happen. There are other business ventures I'm looking into in a couple of years AND I want those to happen here in Indy. I know that I alone can not change the culture of business in Indianapolis. I'll need help.

Some of the biggest problems is that folks popularity is more important that integrity and substance. I've seen this in politicians, business owners, etc. here in Indy. Its really ridiculous. I've watched incompetence rule over popularity on too many occasions. The Gatekeepers of this city are too afraid to allow new blood to come up and breathe new life into this stale city. They need to have their hands in the pot instead of being satisfied that the new up and comers are savvy, competent enough to read and follow the recipe and maybe make some improvements.

I think its just time to break the door down on the nonsense. Its time for folks here to stop complaining about Indy and really make some changes. What we have happening is those complaining are repeating the same lame pattern. I've spoken to those trying to make it happen here because they see the potential and yet they end up moving because its like Indy isn't ready.

We'll, I'm just looking for folks ready for change in Indiana, socially, politically, economically, etc.

TCB....fo sho

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Embracing the Curves

Last night I had a dream or maybe it was a nightmare...hahaha.

I was wearing a corset and had been wearing it for awhile (for whatever reason). I took it off and one of my boobs was inflated like a balloon. I was in shock of course and couldn't figure out how to deflate the boob balloon. So I took a pin and popped it.


The boob then looked like a pancake. I had one regular boob and one pancake boob. I cried, longing for the regular boob.

The End.

I'll never be the size 8 Rhonda again nor do I wanna be and I do want to lose about 15lbs but now I have this weird fear of losing my curves. I've always been curvy but still. I think I've learned to embrace this more voluptuous body of mine. I am going to still lose the 15lbs or maybe 20lbs but that's it.

This is a break through.

The pancake boob scared me straight.

Monday, September 15, 2008

No longer do I seek out
outside approval
or acknowledgment
Kind words regarding
my eyes, lips or hair
do nothing but provide
a brief outwardly smile
like a sugary treat

Provide nourishment
as a bowl of
homemade vegetable soup
Look into my soul and
see how the Maker
has made a special
creature, unfinished
and yet still perfected
See beyond a smile
and curvy hips
Speak to the small voice
inside of me
Using words as "Queen"
"Regal" and "Sophisticated"
are empty if you don't
know why
I am

No longer do I seek
approval for things that
are beyond my control
I didn't create my skin color
I didn't create the texture of my hair
or the shape of my nose
I can not take credit for any of those things
I did not take part in their creation
But my soul I am responsible for
My heart and compassion I must intend to daily
I am as sweet as a Hersey's kiss
but I am as mighty as the Hands that
made me

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Americans, unhappily, have the most remarkable ability to alchemize all bitter truths into an innocuous but piquant confection and to transform their moral contradictions, or public discussion of such contradictions, into a proud decoration, such as are given for heroism on the battle field.

(James Baldwin (1924-1987)

“We cannot seek achievement for ourselves and forget about progress and prosperity for our community... Our ambitions must be broad enough to include the aspirations and needs of others, for their sakes and for our own.”

(Cesar Chavez)

“There's no transformation process that could bear the desired outcomes without women throwing their weight behind that change initiative, and the same holds for the nation-building process.”

(Steve Biko)

Angela Davis - Power

Just months after giving birth to the Kid, I had returned to school to complete the final stages of my education. There were two professors that took the minority students under their wings and provided outlets for diversity. One professor, my world history professor, LOVED Angela Davis. She wrote endlessly about Ms. Davis in her undergrad and post graduated education. Of course, having a dad that was very much into the black nationalist movement, I was familiar with Ms. Davis but the professor took my education further.

We were blessed this particular year (1991). Angela Davis was coming to IU and my professor felt it was a must that we, as young black women, needed to see Ms Davis in person. All I will say, it was powerful. I haven't become the intellect as I wish. I try to pop in and out of the world of intellectual/critical thought as much as I can because I believe in my mind being challenged.

Angela has continued to be an influence. Organizing. Involvement and engagement. Empowerment. Change. I don't seek out intellectual/critical thought to only edify myself and my own world view. Knowledge is gained to move forward to touch, influence and encourage the next person in my sphere, cipher, circle......

I'm so very encourage to simpy THINK, to have a point of view and to get involved in the process. What good does it do to watch Angela and do nothing?

I'm very IN LOVE with women of thought.


No situation can take away
the power of my imagination
reality impresses its power
upon my emotions
but my mind finds
its way to release
its wiles
touches as intoxicating
as sex on the beach
kisses as passionate
as a lovers call
Reality makes us come
to terms with righteous
and morality
the mind speaks all
for the mind is one step away
from the heart

Friday, September 12, 2008


I've had my hair natural off and on since I was a kid. I hate beauty shops so I even rocked some extensions for years just to NOT step foot in a salon. In the brief moment I had a relaxer, I remember the whole wrappin' your hair deal.

Ok. I get it.

But why do ya'll need to keep your head wrapped up at the grocery store, the mall, at the restaurant, etc. It looks awful. Maybe I'm ol' school. Maybe I'm used to being around women that will cut the grass in full make-up (my mom...I didn't get that...but...). Now, you will see me out in sweats, no make up and flip flops but damn.

My daughter does that crap and I tell her how bad it looks all the time. She'll say...yeah...I know but there she goes.

Sistas...take the scarves off. Ugh....

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Gloria Steinem on Palin

Palin: wrong woman, wrong message Sarah Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Hillary Clinton. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.

By Gloria Steinem September 4, 2008

Here's the good news: Women have become so politically powerful that even the anti-feminist right wing -- the folks with a headlock on the Republican Party -- are trying to appease the gender gap with a first-ever female vice president. We owe this to women -- and to many men too -- who have picketed, gone on hunger strikes or confronted violence at the polls so women can vote.

We owe it to Shirley Chisholm, who first took the "white-male-only" sign off the White House, and to Hillary Rodham Clinton, who hung in there through ridicule and misogyny to win 18 million votes. But here is even better news: It won't work. This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere. It's not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It's about baking a new pie. Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton's candidacy stood for -- and that Barack Obama's still does. To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, "Somebody stole my shoes, so I'll amputate my legs." This is not to beat up on Palin. I defend her right to be wrong, even on issues that matter most to me. I regret that people say she can't do the job because she has children in need of care, especially if they wouldn't say the same about a father. I get no pleasure from imagining her in the spotlight on national and foreign policy issues about which she has zero background, with one month to learn to compete with Sen. Joe Biden's 37 years' experience. Palin has been honest about what she doesn't know. When asked last month about the vice presidency, she said, "I still can't answer that question until someone answers for me: What is it exactly that the VP does every day?" When asked about Iraq, she said, "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq." She was elected governor largely because the incumbent was unpopular, and she's won over Alaskans mostly by using unprecedented oil wealth to give a $1,200 rebate to every resident. Now she is being praised by McCain's campaign as a tax cutter, despite the fact that Alaska has no state income or sales tax. Perhaps McCain has opposed affirmative action for so long that he doesn't know it's about inviting more people to meet standards, not lowering them. Or perhaps McCain is following the Bush administration habit, as in the Justice Department, of putting a job candidate's views on "God, guns and gays" ahead of competence. The difference is that McCain is filling a job one 72-year-old heartbeat away from the presidency.

So let's be clear: The culprit is John McCain. He may have chosen Palin out of change-envy, or a belief that women can't tell the difference between form and content, but the main motive was to please right-wing ideologues; the same ones who nixed anyone who is now or ever has been a supporter of reproductive freedom. If that were not the case, McCain could have chosen a woman who knows what a vice president does and who has thought about Iraq; someone like Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison or Sen. Olympia Snowe of Maine. McCain could have taken a baby step away from right-wing patriarchs who determine his actions, right down to opposing the Violence Against Women Act. Palin's value to those patriarchs is clear: She opposes just about every issue that women support by a majority or plurality. She believes that creationism should be taught in public schools but disbelieves global warming; she opposes gun control but supports government control of women's wombs; she opposes stem cell research but approves "abstinence-only" programs, which increase unwanted births, sexually transmitted diseases and abortions; she tried to use taxpayers' millions for a state program to shoot wolves from the air but didn't spend enough money to fix a state school system with the lowest high-school graduation rate in the nation; she runs with a candidate who opposes the Fair Pay Act but supports $500 million in subsidies for a natural gas pipeline across Alaska; she supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, though even McCain has opted for the lesser evil of offshore drilling.

She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger. I don't doubt her sincerity. As a lifetime member of the National Rifle Assn., she doesn't just support killing animals from helicopters, she does it herself. She doesn't just talk about increasing the use of fossil fuels but puts a coal-burning power plant in her own small town. She doesn't just echo McCain's pledge to criminalize abortion by overturning Roe vs. Wade, she says that if one of her daughters were impregnated by rape or incest, she should bear the child. She not only opposes reproductive freedom as a human right but implies that it dictates abortion, without saying that it also protects the right to have a child. So far, the major new McCain supporter that Palin has attracted is James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Of course, for Dobson, "women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership," so he may be voting for Palin's husband. Being a hope-a-holic, however, I can see two long-term bipartisan gains from this contest. Republicans may learn they can't appeal to right-wing patriarchs and most women at the same time. A loss in November could cause the centrist majority of Republicans to take back their party, which was the first to support the Equal Rights Amendment and should be the last to want to invite government into the wombs of women. And American women, who suffer more because of having two full-time jobs than from any other single injustice, finally have support on a national stage from male leaders who know that women can't be equal outside the home until men are equal in it. Barack Obama and Joe Biden are campaigning on their belief that men should be, can be and want to be at home for their children. This could be huge. http://www.latimes.com/ne...5118.story

Psycho Babe

Safe to say that I've been on a war path in the past couple of weeks. Folks getting in my nerves and I actually refused to control the crazy.

I can be the "psycho babe" in my own way. I make no apology for being emotional, wacky, and hell, insane. So what. I do love it though that men will reject these behaviors in women but can act exactly the same. We can't label them hormonal or emotional or unstable. Or can we? What is it called when a man rages out of control over something deemed small? He's just stressed out. Life is getting to him. Pssft. Ok.

I almost feel like God gave women a coping mechanism. Its not an excuse to behave badly but it forces us to cry and release. If I told some of ya'll the stuff I have to do or think about daily, you'd wonder how I survive and I'm really tame on some levels. There are women who have more children to raise on their own, with less money to do it and may have a stressful job. Black women, especially, are always told we are strong. We are told we can handle everything. This is killing us. We self-medicate to cope with food, sex, drugs, etc and then scream, "I'm a strong Black Woman!" Blood pressure is high. Hypertension. Heart Disease. Stress with find a way to manifest in your body. It has to go somewhere.

Pass the chicken nachos!!!

So what if I lose it for a moment. I embrace the psycho babe in me. She lets me get the crap out of me. She doesn't harm anyone. She may cry over the little things but that allows her to work through the big stuff. Psycho Babe IS the Strong woman in me. So ladies, don't deny those times when you feel emotional. God made us this way and made us better. :)
We care for the world and we have to cope with the crap.

Psycho Babe Rocks!

Monday, September 8, 2008


I've worked with addicts for years and helped get a few into detox. I've been going through my own form of detox and damn, i'm having withdrawals like crazy....i'm angry, emotional, pissy.....

Its like really facing so much BS about yourself and others. Seeing what you think and feel from a different perspective. Detox sucks.

I'm more sympathetic to the process.

Can't wait until its over.

*The Next Day*

Ok, I realized that Detox not only sucks but sometimes you could be trying to detox from the wrong thing OR you need to detox from MORE stuff. I don't know. I remember seeing folks going through the process and they were so annoyed, jumpy, etc. If that's not Cleva, lawd.

I'll continue with this process. I will add other things to the list that I need to remove from my life.

Let the Journey continue.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

You know when God is screamin' at you about something

Two things:



I better start soon.

Stages of Grief

I'm really functioning in ANGER today!

Watch out.

The Exiting

How we leave a situation speaks volumes of our view of it, don't you think? One, it can allow speculation to creep in the situation if its not handled with honesty, maturity and sincerity. Sometimes doors must be closed and chapters do end, (momentarily or forever) but its how you walk away that determines so much. Our behavior is no more than a manifestation of how we think and feel. It will produce our level insecurity, our integrity, and our character.

For me, because I've limited my inner circle to just a few that I can trust (wholeheartedly), its very disappointing and upsetting when that trust is compromised. I think that I also have to stop with my 100% or nothing attitude. Either I'm in your corner or I'm not. We are either friends or not. Absolutes are dangerous. I'm really trying not to function in that manner right now but.....Nonetheless, we all have to think about why we seek out the things we do.

"Seek and ye shall find"

I mentioned this on another post. When we go looking for something, we will find it. The question is, "Why are we looking for it?" (shrug) We all have to answer that question for ourselves but its something we all have to think about when we've actively sought something; And really take responsibility for SEEKING it. Own it and then ask the question, why do I need this? I ACTIVELY sought a new gig. Found a new gig. Why? I needed a change for a number of reasons. Nothing happens by accident. No such thing as coincidence. God has a way of giving you just want you're looking for. So why trip out when you've found it? Why manipulate the situation? There's a reason why it was sought. change, passion, greed, lust, salvation, hunger...etc, etc, etc. Address it and just watch what seeds you plant because you will reap that harvest.

I do believe that anyone that harms me needs to have a talk with God immediately (something I do when I feel I've harmed someone). I let vengeance be the work of the Lord. Anywayyyyyyyy.......

So how do you walk out of a room when its time to leave......do you storm out, do you walk out quietly without saying a word, do you say a simple good-bye.....The exit is just as important as the entry. How we leave a situation can be crucial to the possibilities in the future. If friendships, jobs, relationships, etc are meant to happen, God makes a way for it happen despite our doing. He sometimes just has to restructure the situation or sometimes just open our eyes. Maybe in my control issues I think the exiting of anything is a purposed, controlled situation just as the entry. I think we purposely leave a situation because of the type of person we maybe.
Don't know. We all have to think about why and how we deal with people.

Unfortunately, I'm really going to be more guarded (like I need to be more guarded than I already am). I'm going to take a look at why a person wants to befriend me and what they want from me. Why am I being sought out?

Saturday, September 6, 2008

CWUW is Living Life Well!

Center of Wellness for Urban Women - CWUW is truly moving forward in its efforts to provide women with an organization that cares about their health and wellness needs.

CWUW has partnered with the Indiana Minority Health Coalition (IMHC) to develop research projects focusing on health disparities concerning minority women.

CWUW will be represented on the community advisory board with the IU National Centers of Excellence in Women's Health.

CWUW has gained permission from Mental Health America to access their resources to provide up to date mental health information for women and their families.

CWUW will still conduct additional health focus groups in the upcoming months. We had a very successful group last month and look forward to hearing what Indy women have to say about their health and wellness needs.

CWUW continues to look for volunteers and board members. If you're interested, contact CWUW at volunteers@cwuwonline.org

Lastly, one of the 7 dimensions of wellness touches on social health. CWUW believes that relaxation and even entertainment can be beneficial to your health. Its a way to recharge your spirit. We, as an organization, also believe in the power of the Arts for healing.

In November, CWUW will present, "Life Jam" with the tentative line up:

Rusty Redenbacher of the Mudkids

Dj Kortez
Organic Soul
James Walker Trio
and more!

Silent auction and a raffle for your chance to own art by Kortez

A smoke free event!

More details to come!

CWUW is teaming up with the Lyrical Rhapsody Foundation to present "Planet Girl Online" - empowerment tools for girls! More to come!
You can contact Planet Girl at planetgirlonline@cwuwonline.org.

Be a part of the CWUW Crew!

Live Life Well

Inner Truth

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. "
William Shakespeare

Quoted many times but really rarely practiced.

There are times when being true to yourself may hurt others and this is why some people will sacrifice their own will, passion, desires, etc. to not hurt someone else. But how are we harming ourselves?

I have to be true to myself. I have to be honest with my feelings and emotions. I have to let it be known where I stand. I can no longer sacrifice ME for the happiness of others for whatever reason. A happier Rhonda means a happier daughter, friend, co-worker, etc. What is the internal truth you won't release to the world? The one thing I do know is that God will bring all truth to light, one way or another. He gives us the opportunity to be honest with ourselves and others but when we refuse to be true to ourselves, it interrupts his plan for us. He must intervene and that rarely is a pretty thing. My former pastor use to say, "Just fix ya stuff cuz you don't want God fixin' it for ya!" I still giggle when I think about it. You can tell when God intervenes because its like a spotlight has been shone on the situation.

Truth is scary for folks. To honestly dig in and say, this is me, this is how I believe, this is what I feel is very difficult and culturally, we aren't really raised to be true to ourselves. We are raised to be selfish but that's not what this famous Shakespearean quote is about, really. Its simple about accepting the inner truth that is forever present and speaks to our souls. When we don't respond to that truth, we become bitter and angry. When we do respond, it means change must occur. Change.....can be horrifying. Change can mean never talking with a friend again. Change can mean changing a job. Change can mean moving. Change can mean ending a relationship when you know your heart really isn't in it. Yikes. Why not just stay in the current muck and mere? Its easier (we think) but harder on your spirit. And I TRULY believe that if you are in a situation that doesn't fit the plan, the situation will change whether you like it or not. That's just my own belief. Although, sometimes i think we get confused how God wants us to change...that's another blog though.

I'm true to Rhonda. I believe in it. It allows me a certain kind of spiritual freedom. I think it actually allows God to have a great Trust and Faith in me. It also allows me to love, be kind and cool with folks. I always hear that I'm so "cool". Why? I'm always me. I'm true to me. I know the good and bad and I'm not embarrassed to share the good and bad either. Believe me, I've grown into this freedom. I can talk about my bulimia, restlessness and otha stuff and it doesn't phase me. I think because folks aren't true to who they are, they always respond oddly to my honesty about myself. I LOVE ME but I know me. I'm TRUE to Rhon.

Be True to your Authentic self.

Watch your motives. Forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Make the tough decisions. We have to realize, many times we are so transparent. The world can see our inner struggles as much as we try to hide them and lie to ourselves. Then why lie?

God is Truth which means we are capable of being the essence of Truth. Be True.

Love yourself by being true to yourself.

Friday, September 5, 2008


I am a liar
I lie to myself daily
I tell myself that I am happy
I don't heed to my inner man
but an outward responsibility

I am a liar
I must cover up
hide from me
I move through
my current existence
playing the role, the game
but I'm hurting

I am a liar
luckily I've learned
to manipulate
to justify why I stay
why I go, why I love
why I hate
I know I hold the key
I'm scared of freedom

I am a liar
blocking out the
refusing to heed
to my heart and
my passion
the pain is great
allowing medication
to come in the form
of false love

save me.


I love you.

You are God's precious child.

I love you.


Begin to love yourself.

Love everything about yourself.

You are loved.

God Loves you.

I love you

Proud of the Women We've Become

My crew, with exception of one, all are hitting the big 40 this year and next year. We are an awesome crew of women, some married with children, single moms, single no kids....awesome.

The 40 Crew met in college with all of our dreams just ready to be fulfilled. All of us were focused even then. None of us were still trying to figure out our futures. We knew what we wanted to do.

Me and a girlfriend both had our children at the same time. We were 22 and 21 respectively. This didn't stop us. I admire Cynthia because she worked and went to school part-time after she had her son. It took her a few years to complete her undergrad but she busted her ass. She made sure her son had the BEST. She's completing law school and her son is headed to Harvard. Don't front on real motherhood. My sis. Real Woman.

Another friend, Yo, is my best friend. Yo is a single, brilliant woman that loves God and service. Our bond is really about how we strive in having a nonjudgmental attitude towards each other and the world. Yo has started organizations to focus on youth and literacy and helping faith-based organizations in nonprofit development. Yo has a way of always helping me see God's point of view without any condemnation. She is my sister. Real Woman.

The other Yo, has to be the most balanced person I know on the planet. Brilliant writer, publisher, wife and mother. She is the Crew's "common sense". She is practical and very loving. She's also has been very focused on making her dreams come true. Yo is calming and supportive. My sis. Real Woman.

These are the people in my life so I don't know any other way but to grind hard. I've always been around women AND men with focus and determination to fulfill their dreams. These women are beautiful, loving, and blessed. I believe because they all are so connected to God and their spirit, its never been a confusion of what they would become even when the road presented twists and turns. They pushed on. I push on. They check me. I check them. We definitely have an old school way of looking what needs to be done and getting it done. I know personally, I don't have the luxury to think about what is next cuz I'm already on the third and fourth step. We all can be proud of who we are and what is yet to come.

I know that one major flaw I have is that I can be hard on those floating through life with no passion for anything. If we all have a purpose, then you just haven't discovered your passion yet. Get to it. A person "floating" around me, throws me off. Its a flaw. Its also being judgmental. I'm working on it.

Nonetheless, these women always remind me of my GREATNESS. They lift me up. They remind me to not to settle for anything less in life.

Simply proud of these chicks....and me.

So many times, I've spoken of death in my blogs. The process of death is always so hard on me.
And its hard for me to actually move into the stages of grieving loss. I never really operate in the first stage, Denial. It is what it is. I accept loss for what it is and don't question it. God is in control and knows the 'whys' of it all.

Its the other stages that get me.

  • Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  • Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  • Depression (I don't care anymore)
  • Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I tend to jump to Bargaining. How can I change me and my responses to loss? I remember after Mom died, my therapist told me, two years after her passing, I had not even started grieving from her death, the loss of friendships and my gig at the DC. He told me that I try to push through to acceptance too soon and not really deal with my true feelings. Well, today, I'm not doing that. I have a huge sense of Loss, impending and current. My aunt is ill. My grandmother is ill. I had to disconnect with a VERY dear friend. Like always, I initially tried to just move into acceptance. Why go through all of the drama?

Well its about learning to just realize you feel like shit and not trying to cover it up. I feel like shit on many levels about this impending loss of family. I feel like shit about the loss of a good friendship. Like a trooper, I'll keep on moving and will be fine but right now, I'm feeling it all.

Changing of the Guards

Interviewing is a weird process. Went on the second interview for a new gig and I'm anxiously awaiting the offer. Every job I've had since coming out of unemployment has been very strategic and this one won't be any different. The one thing I can say is that God has a plan for me and I'm on point in my professional life. I never make a move without asking for direction, guidance and wisdom. It is vital that I seek him in every move, even personally. CWUW is moving fast as well. The train has finally left the station. We are moving right along.

Seek and You Will Find

Theme of the week for me it seems. Godly principles at work.

Content of ClevaWords

I had found myself censoring my words and feelings based on who maybe reading my words. No more. This is my outlet and my venue of expression. Rarely do I try to bring harm to anyone through my words but simply share my feelings at the moment. ClevaWords is my freedom. If I allow others to dictate the content, I'm no longer free. NO one should be so egoistical to think my words, feelings are about them all the time. My life experiences and observations are varied.

Like they say, turn the channel if you don't like what you're seeing.

People are really fucked up

Sorry for the profanity but they are. I've never seen so many folks so willing to harm another soul as I have this week. Incredible. Sad. Scary. I sat in my friends office the other day and cried because I MAY have participated in harming someone indirectly. CRIEDDDDDDDD. What is wrong with the human condition? People are fucked up.

I'm sorry.


Thursday, September 4, 2008

deep rooted
insanity ensues
grasping at doses
of normalcy
Walking through my past
on the other side
of it all
Yet feeling all things
will come to peaceful

Looking to the heavens
as a dove
lays wait
again on
my windowsill
seeing hope
through the clouds
seeing new
things in the rain
Knowing that
the right answer will
come from above
Let my spirit be guided
through the

Laying wait until
it all comes to pass
when the Divine answers
the pending question
embrace the truth
pushing sadness aside
no matter how much
its taken over
Hope is the light
of all things
Love covers all
being the filthy rag
I've become

love and hope

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Complexity of Love and Rhonda's Ramblings

I didn't know that Love was so complex. Listening and watching others scrabble about trying to figure out Love, who to love, why to love, how to love, etc. etc. I didn't know that Love was so complex.

Maybe I'm simply a romantic. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe Love is complex. Maybe our own psychosis gets in the way of Love. Maybe we stay when we should leave and leave when we should stay. Maybe she's really just a good friend and you should let go or maybe he's the love of your life. Maybe you can love more than one person. Maybe we think too much or not enough.

I'm trying to figure it out.


Chicago. FUN. Energy. Raw.

Met some GREAT people. It was an emotional weekend. It was insane. It was draining to my introverted personality but I pushed through. Took my breaks outside with the other Prince freaks.

Last night of Prince night at Club Berlin. Sad.

Its fun to meet folks who may have only seen you in a pic or online. My girl "Violet" -I'm just gonna say, I LOVE HER!!! Positive energy. She danced her ass off all night. Too cute. I still say that Prince really needs to learn to appreciate the fact that he wanted the "freaks" to come together and just LOVE and that's what he got. Drag queens, nerds, straights, black, white, asian,....name the type...they were there. Someone said that the dance floor can become a "dancing orgy".....no lie. I had so many folks bumping and jumping and rubbing and screaming around me....it was cool...lol. At one point, I just closed my eyes and just danced. Didn't worry about my lipstick and the eyeliner drippin' from the side of my face. Just danced. Fun.

too bad. its over.

Sexuality is all I've ever need.

I feel so far removed from my sexuality at times and yet its ever present. I can't explain it. I don't think about sex and yet I'm very sexual. Or maybe I'm still sleep right now and buggin' out :)
I've had lots of convos about sex in the past week. People needing to find their way sexually; leading with their imagination, their inner desires, needing more, wanting more. Love listening to folks. I think sex was the topic of convo for most of this past weekend. Its amazing what sex can do to the mind.

That's all i'mma say about that.

F**K The Police

In my lifetime, I've gotten one ticket.

last night I was pulled over twice. WTH!!

I was driving the Kids car (which is about to fall apart). She has a headlight out. Damn it!!! She had picked us up from the bus stop. I was racing to get home. Get stopped. Hand the dude my license but couldn't find the registration. He did his thing in the car....gave me a verbal warning. Get home, switch cars to take friend to Muncie. On my way back, I get clocked at 84mph. I had the dude my license and registration. The dude says, "why are you driving so fast." I said, "To get home....".....I don't know why this seemed like the appropriate follow up to my answer...."So has there been any alcohol this evening ma'am". Normally, I would have turned into a bitch but I think i was soooooo tired, I couldn't even let the bitch out of me. I said, "Sir, I just dropped someone off in Muncie. I want to go home. So do what you need to do."

He gives me a warning for the speeding but gives me a ticket because the registration wasn't signed.

Jeez thanks dude.

Welcome back to Indiana Rhon!