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Showing posts from September, 2008

2:47 pm

The other day, a co-worker said to me, "You are so strong. You are a great woman!" Yesterday, a friend said to me, "You are a great woman. You are so beautiful." Today, my kid told me that I was a wonderful mother and that she loves me.

My eyes cannot see greatness and wonderment. I cannot see beauty or strength.


I see need. I see passion. I see obedience. I do because it is right. I do because its in my heart.

Kind words are very interesting. How you allow them to lay rest in your mind is all that matters. Am I great? Am I wonderful? Am I beautiful?

Truth is also in the eye of the beholder. Right?

Who am I?

I am all and nothing.

and then God speaks

So I write about the inner man speaking and if not a few minutes later, God has his say on a situation. Door slammed shut. Now the door was closed but I entertained opening it up probably out of boredom, I guess. Almost immediately, God was like, NO. Words were said that sealed the deal and that is done.

YIKES.

That season is over.

There is another friendship I'm still wondering about. I don't know the reason for it just yet. As much as I TRY to close that door, its still open. I guess I need to stop trying to close it and wait for God speak on it.

All of this is vital because for us introverts, friends, lovers and just people in general are powerful energy sources that can drain us. Being selective is important. I really like only having a small group of people in my sphere at a time otherwise I feel like I have a vacuum attached to my soul and the life is being sucked out of me. HA....then I have to go sleep for a day just to be rejuvenated. Gotta listen to inner man…

the inner man speaks

Have you ever been in a relationship, friendship, or partnership and you've wondered if this is where you need to be?

I know I've been in situations where I can actually do a checklist.

They fit everything I've prayed about. They fit everything I seemingly need. They fit.

Right?

But then your spirit is always a little off center. Not way off. Just a little. Just enough to keep your mind wandering every now and again. Doesn't have to be in just love relationships but even in friendships. Its not off enough for you to leave the person alone but enough to make you notice. You could appreciate everything that person had done for you. You could appreciate their support. It throws you. You ignore that "thing" that tells you something isn't 100% with this person.

What do you do?

I actually leave the person alone. I've had people, who I seemingly got along with, wonder what the hell happened to the friendship. I had a relationship with someone that w…

last night

last night
I crawled into your
deepest dreams

you wondered
"How did you get here?"
Been there.
Close your eyes
Let the dream begin

debating
play the sub
play the dom
play the game
let's play love

nakedness taken over
finally bodies
touching
caressing
glazing
surprise
surprise
its me
licking your bottom lip
hands
on their own exploration

breathe on me
as I take one leg
over here
one
over there
wake up wake up
dream
will
not be reality
but reality as taken over the
dream

written 9/2008

Becoming a Smoking Nazi

Even after mom's death, I vowed not to become some smoking nazi. I vowed to let folks do their thing with their bodies but well....I've changed.

I remember meeting a woman who had lung disease. She was in the emergency room. She told me that she had never smoked a day in her life but her husband was a heavy smoker and this is how she got lung disease. :(

Growing up, both parents smoked. My clothes always smelled like cigarettes. People would ask me for a square and when I'd go "I don't smoke" they would look at me crazy. And when I saw that commercial with the little girl buckled up in her car seat with the windows rolled up, car full of smoke, and she couldn't do anything but sit there. That was me. My eyes would burn so badly that I would have to run water on them. I didn't understand the appeal and I still don't.

I watched my mom battle double pneumonia and lung cancer. Survival rate of stage IV of lung cancer - less than 2%. Well d…

When I close my eyes

Let me hide in your soul and whisper tender words never spoken
can I breath the same
air without feeling lost in your everything
just the
possibilities of your touch one day
just being in the same room opens up
all of God's wishes and deepest dreams
for me and you
lavender and villa
permeate my existence
a dove on the windowsill
peace and love so close by
I breath and I think of you
without lies and deceit
my spirit aches daily
as if a knife moves
slowly from by back into my spine
I can see into your wishes and dreams
I pray for you in the night and in the day
I believe that
my world is there
for every reason and again
none at all
Oh the Divine sings
just at the thought of you
precious love
move away from perception
what you think of in the deepest
night
rings of truth
a dream manifest



I just closed my eyes and wrote. This is what came out of me. I have no idea what it means. lol

The Kindness of Strangers

Today, I was walking downtown. I had to get to the Mayor's office before they left to pick up a letter. As I was walking, my mind, which never just stops, was thinking about all sorts of stuff.

I hadn't worked out this week especially since my back is still so messed up and now my stomach is all full of acid. Yuck! I was feeling like a stuffed pig. I wasn't feeling as cute as I was earlier in the day. I was just feeling BLAH and very uncute.

So I continued to walk and this man was standing there; older man. I didn't think he even seen me. He turns to me and says, "Well Heeellllooo Beautiful!" I just busted out laughing. He gave me the biggest smile. I think he knew it was very timely.

You never know what a kind word can do for a person.

Hitting the gym hard on Saturday....:)

Pit Bull

Do you ever wonder if a pit bull sometimes doesn't wanna be a pit bull? Maybe he wants to be a happy little dog that runs and jumps and plays and likes to get his belly rubbed. Maybe he just wants to sleep in the corner all day and be lazy.

But when people see a pit bull, they see viciousness. They see a dog that can't be loved. They see a fighter.

The pit bull just wants to be a dog.

Today I was talking with a friend about stuff, my stuff. I was telling him about stuff going on with CWUW and just all the stuff I have going on that's actually stressing me out. He's response to me was, "You'll handle it. That's your gift. You handle stuff."

WTF does that mean?

Well, I know what it means. Rhonda has a cape and her magic lasso.

This blog has been written before. I've not learned the lesson cuz here I am again. Back out. Tired. Stressed and yet, I have to be strong, right? Fuck that. I'm not going to kill myself trying to be the pit bull be…

No.

Realized I cared
I let my soul be touched
and my heart caressed
foolishly, I gave into
the game
I can't say when or why or how
but I think of you in the dawn
finding it necessary to
push away
turn away
letting silence be my salvation
Its unfair that I must
feel shame
for saying words
that come from real emotion

My eyes are closed to you
I turn away, hoping to regain me
in that moment before I knew you
even existed
I can only carry so much
of this weight
My dance had a partner
participating, leading, and even guiding
each step of the waltz
almost appearing choreographed
and I followed so very willingly
sadly

I've cried, repented and prayed
but why?

Every word
ever spoken from my lips
were true
I am your Friend
but not in the shadows
not in notes and lines on paper
to be erased so no one knows
If I'm to be hidden
then
I'm shame
I'm regret
I'm lust
I'm secrets
I'm confusion
I'm not real
but just a fantasy
that fulfilled some
empty spot
for a time
in a soul
in a heartbeat

My soul says
lies
lies
lies
I'…

Setting me Free

You know the saying if you love someone let them go....blah, blah, blah. I wonder if that applies to self. After my moms death, I've become controlling...ok, ok...more controlling and its a fight to let go. Its a fight to let go of that Rhonda that was in survival mode just a couple of years ago. I'm still there. I'm still fighting something (shrug).

Do I really want to let that person go?

That would mean I would have to trust folks again. I find it easier NOT to trust folks and just do what I need to do. THERAPY NEEDED but whatever. With some recent CWUW activities, I've realized that its hard for me NOW to put anything I love dearly in the hands of someone else to care for. It drives me insane and people who have to learn this new Rhonda, really would rather not receive an email from me. Gigglin'

I didn't use to be like this but this new Rhonda.....lawd. I like her but she is a trip.

I've redefined family. I've redefined friendships. If you're in, y…

Underrated - KD Lang

I love her voice. I've always admired her voice but I've really just embraced her recently. I love her. LOVE HER!!!!!!

Seek out her music. BEAUTIFUL.

K.D Lang singing a Patsy Cline tune.

Makes me teary eyed.

"leavin' on your mind" - I feel this song in my spirit.

The lyrics are just so true. So many think its best to hold on.....NO, just leave....."get it over....if leavin' is on your mind"

Lawd.....cry, cry, tear, tear :)

Just take care of business

With all I have to do in my world personally, professionally, I have a need and expectation for people will be responsive and handle business. What the hell is really going on? I did a blog at http://clevawords.blogspot.com some time ago about Indianapolis and the way people handle business here. Not all but damn.... The attitude is too much for me to deal with. If is not the attitude, its the laziness, slothfulness....grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I was use to this in working in the HIV arena and I really just thought it was just in that arena people did stuff half ass.....uh...NOPE.

I've decided that I would have a spirit of excellence with CWUW and future businesses but damn its hard when others don't themselves. Yeah, I fail at times myself and I kick myself in the ass for it. I am obedient to what I'm called to do and I WILL do it as Jesus himself was standing over me. Its hard for me to waiver. I'm learning why successful folks are called mean, bitchy, selfish, etc. …

Embracing the Curves

Last night I had a dream or maybe it was a nightmare...hahaha.

I was wearing a corset and had been wearing it for awhile (for whatever reason). I took it off and one of my boobs was inflated like a balloon. I was in shock of course and couldn't figure out how to deflate the boob balloon. So I took a pin and popped it.

eeekkkkkkk

The boob then looked like a pancake. I had one regular boob and one pancake boob. I cried, longing for the regular boob.

The End.

I'll never be the size 8 Rhonda again nor do I wanna be and I do want to lose about 15lbs but now I have this weird fear of losing my curves. I've always been curvy but still. I think I've learned to embrace this more voluptuous body of mine. I am going to still lose the 15lbs or maybe 20lbs but that's it.

This is a break through.

The pancake boob scared me straight.
No longer do I seek out
outside approval
or acknowledgment
Kind words regarding
my eyes, lips or hair
do nothing but provide
a brief outwardly smile
like a sugary treat

Provide nourishment
as a bowl of
homemade vegetable soup
Look into my soul and
see how the Maker
has made a special
creature, unfinished
and yet still perfected
See beyond a smile
and curvy hips
Speak to the small voice
inside of me
Using words as "Queen"
"Regal" and "Sophisticated"
are empty if you don't
know why
I am

No longer do I seek
approval for things that
are beyond my control
I didn't create my skin color
I didn't create the texture of my hair
or the shape of my nose
I can not take credit for any of those things
I did not take part in their creation
But my soul I am responsible for
My heart and compassion I must intend to daily
I am as sweet as a Hersey's kiss
but I am as mighty as the Hands that
made me
Americans, unhappily, have the most remarkable ability to alchemize all bitter truths into an innocuous but piquant confection and to transform their moral contradictions, or public discussion of such contradictions, into a proud decoration, such as are given for heroism on the battle field.

(James Baldwin (1924-1987)


“We cannot seek achievement for ourselves and forget about progress and prosperity for our community... Our ambitions must be broad enough to include the aspirations and needs of others, for their sakes and for our own.”

(Cesar Chavez)


“There's no transformation process that could bear the desired outcomes without women throwing their weight behind that change initiative, and the same holds for the nation-building process.”

(Steve Biko)


Angela Davis - Power

Just months after giving birth to the Kid, I had returned to school to complete the final stages of my education. There were two professors that took the minority students under their wings and provided outlets for diversity. One professor, my world history professor, LOVED Angela Davis. She wrote endlessly about Ms. Davis in her undergrad and post graduated education. Of course, having a dad that was very much into the black nationalist movement, I was familiar with Ms. Davis but the professor took my education further.

We were blessed this particular year (1991). Angela Davis was coming to IU and my professor felt it was a must that we, as young black women, needed to see Ms Davis in person. All I will say, it was powerful. I haven't become the intellect as I wish. I try to pop in and out of the world of intellectual/critical thought as much as I can because I believe in my mind being challenged.

Angela has continued to be an influence. Organizing. Involvement and engage…

imagination

No situation can take away
the power of my imagination
reality impresses its power
upon my emotions
but my mind finds
its way to release
its wiles
touches as intoxicating
as sex on the beach
kisses as passionate
as a lovers call
Reality makes us come
to terms with righteous
and morality
the mind speaks all
truth
for the mind is one step away
from the heart

Scarves...lawd

I've had my hair natural off and on since I was a kid. I hate beauty shops so I even rocked some extensions for years just to NOT step foot in a salon. In the brief moment I had a relaxer, I remember the whole wrappin' your hair deal.

Ok. I get it.

But why do ya'll need to keep your head wrapped up at the grocery store, the mall, at the restaurant, etc. It looks awful. Maybe I'm ol' school. Maybe I'm used to being around women that will cut the grass in full make-up (my mom...I didn't get that...but...). Now, you will see me out in sweats, no make up and flip flops but damn.

My daughter does that crap and I tell her how bad it looks all the time. She'll say...yeah...I know but there she goes.

Sistas...take the scarves off. Ugh....

Gloria Steinem on Palin

Palin: wrong woman, wrong message Sarah Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Hillary Clinton. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.

By Gloria Steinem September 4, 2008

Here's the good news: Women have become so politically powerful that even the anti-feminist right wing -- the folks with a headlock on the Republican Party -- are trying to appease the gender gap with a first-ever female vice president. We owe this to women -- and to many men too -- who have picketed, gone on hunger strikes or confronted violence at the polls so women can vote.

We owe it to Shirley Chisholm, who first took the "white-male-only" sign off the White House, and to Hillary Rodham Clinton, who hung in there through ridicule and misogyny to win 18 million votes. But here is even better news: It won't work. This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been abo…

Psycho Babe

Safe to say that I've been on a war path in the past couple of weeks. Folks getting in my nerves and I actually refused to control the crazy.

I can be the "psycho babe" in my own way. I make no apology for being emotional, wacky, and hell, insane. So what. I do love it though that men will reject these behaviors in women but can act exactly the same. We can't label them hormonal or emotional or unstable. Or can we? What is it called when a man rages out of control over something deemed small? He's just stressed out. Life is getting to him. Pssft. Ok.

I almost feel like God gave women a coping mechanism. Its not an excuse to behave badly but it forces us to cry and release. If I told some of ya'll the stuff I have to do or think about daily, you'd wonder how I survive and I'm really tame on some levels. There are women who have more children to raise on their own, with less money to do it and may have a stressful job. Black women, especially, a…

Detox

I've worked with addicts for years and helped get a few into detox. I've been going through my own form of detox and damn, i'm having withdrawals like crazy....i'm angry, emotional, pissy.....

Its like really facing so much BS about yourself and others. Seeing what you think and feel from a different perspective. Detox sucks.

I'm more sympathetic to the process.

Can't wait until its over.

*The Next Day*

Ok, I realized that Detox not only sucks but sometimes you could be trying to detox from the wrong thing OR you need to detox from MORE stuff. I don't know. I remember seeing folks going through the process and they were so annoyed, jumpy, etc. If that's not Cleva, lawd.

I'll continue with this process. I will add other things to the list that I need to remove from my life.

Let the Journey continue.
You know when God is screamin' at you about something


Two things:

Painting

Yoga



I better start soon.


Stages of Grief

I'm really functioning in ANGER today!

Watch out.

The Exiting

How we leave a situation speaks volumes of our view of it, don't you think? One, it can allow speculation to creep in the situation if its not handled with honesty, maturity and sincerity. Sometimes doors must be closed and chapters do end, (momentarily or forever) but its how you walk away that determines so much. Our behavior is no more than a manifestation of how we think and feel. It will produce our level insecurity, our integrity, and our character.

For me, because I've limited my inner circle to just a few that I can trust (wholeheartedly), its very disappointing and upsetting when that trust is compromised. I think that I also have to stop with my 100% or nothing attitude. Either I'm in your corner or I'm not. We are either friends or not. Absolutes are dangerous. I'm really trying not to function in that manner right now but.....Nonetheless, we all have to think about why we seek out the things we do.

"Seek and ye shall find"

I mentioned th…

CWUW is Living Life Well!

Center of Wellness for Urban Women - CWUW is truly moving forward in its efforts to provide women with an organization that cares about their health and wellness needs.

CWUW has partnered with the Indiana Minority Health Coalition (IMHC) to develop research projects focusing on health disparities concerning minority women.

CWUW will be represented on the community advisory board with the IU National Centers of Excellence in Women's Health.

CWUW has gained permission from Mental Health America to access their resources to provide up to date mental health information for women and their families.

CWUW will still conduct additional health focus groups in the upcoming months. We had a very successful group last month and look forward to hearing what Indy women have to say about their health and wellness needs.

CWUW continues to look for volunteers and board members. If you're interested, contact CWUW at volunteers@cwuwonline.org

Lastly, one of the 7 dimensions of wellness touches on so…

Inner Truth

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. "
William Shakespeare


Quoted many times but really rarely practiced.

There are times when being true to yourself may hurt others and this is why some people will sacrifice their own will, passion, desires, etc. to not hurt someone else. But how are we harming ourselves?

I have to be true to myself. I have to be honest with my feelings and emotions. I have to let it be known where I stand. I can no longer sacrifice ME for the happiness of others for whatever reason. A happier Rhonda means a happier daughter, friend, co-worker, etc. What is the internal truth you won't release to the world? The one thing I do know is that God will bring all truth to light, one way or another. He gives us the opportunity to be honest with ourselves and others but when we refuse to be true to ourselves, it interrupts his plan for us. He must intervene and that rarely is a pret…

liar

I am a liar
I lie to myself daily
I tell myself that I am happy
I don't heed to my inner man
but an outward responsibility

I am a liar
I must cover up
hide from me
I move through
my current existence
playing the role, the game
but I'm hurting

I am a liar
luckily I've learned
to manipulate
to justify why I stay
why I go, why I love
why I hate
I know I hold the key
I'm scared of freedom

I am a liar
blocking out the
heavens
refusing to heed
to my heart and
my passion
the pain is great
allowing medication
to come in the form
of false love

save me.

Love

I love you.

You are God's precious child.

I love you.

Today.

Begin to love yourself.

Love everything about yourself.

You are loved.

God Loves you.

I love you.

Proud of the Women We've Become

My crew, with exception of one, all are hitting the big 40 this year and next year. We are an awesome crew of women, some married with children, single moms, single no kids....awesome.

The 40 Crew met in college with all of our dreams just ready to be fulfilled. All of us were focused even then. None of us were still trying to figure out our futures. We knew what we wanted to do.

Me and a girlfriend both had our children at the same time. We were 22 and 21 respectively. This didn't stop us. I admire Cynthia because she worked and went to school part-time after she had her son. It took her a few years to complete her undergrad but she busted her ass. She made sure her son had the BEST. She's completing law school and her son is headed to Harvard. Don't front on real motherhood. My sis. Real Woman.

Another friend, Yo, is my best friend. Yo is a single, brilliant woman that loves God and service. Our bond is really about how we strive in having a nonjudgmental at…
So many times, I've spoken of death in my blogs. The process of death is always so hard on me.
And its hard for me to actually move into the stages of grieving loss. I never really operate in the first stage, Denial. It is what it is. I accept loss for what it is and don't question it. God is in control and knows the 'whys' of it all.

Its the other stages that get me.

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I tend to jump to Bargaining. How can I change me and my responses to loss? I remember after Mom died, my therapist told me, two years after her passing, I had not even started grieving from her death, the loss of friendships and my gig at the DC. He told me that I try to push through to acceptance too soon and not really deal with my true feelings. Well, today, I'm not doing that. …
deep rooted
manic
insanity ensues
grasping at doses
of normalcy
Walking through my past
on the other side
of it all
lost
drawn
aching
Yet feeling all things
will come to peaceful
resolve

Looking to the heavens
as a dove
lays wait
again on
my windowsill
seeing hope
through the clouds
seeing new
things in the rain
Knowing that
the right answer will
come from above
Let my spirit be guided
through the
insanity

Laying wait until
it all comes to pass
when the Divine answers
the pending question
embrace the truth
pushing sadness aside
no matter how much
its taken over
Hope is the light
of all things
Love covers all
being the filthy rag
I've become

love and hope
wins.

Complexity of Love and Rhonda's Ramblings

I didn't know that Love was so complex. Listening and watching others scrabble about trying to figure out Love, who to love, why to love, how to love, etc. etc. I didn't know that Love was so complex.

Maybe I'm simply a romantic. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe Love is complex. Maybe our own psychosis gets in the way of Love. Maybe we stay when we should leave and leave when we should stay. Maybe she's really just a good friend and you should let go or maybe he's the love of your life. Maybe you can love more than one person. Maybe we think too much or not enough.

I'm trying to figure it out.

anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy......


Chicago. FUN. Energy. Raw.

Met some GREAT people. It was an emotional weekend. It was insane. It was draining to my introverted personality but I pushed through. Took my breaks outside with the other Prince freaks.

Last night of Prince night at Club Berlin. Sad.

Its fun to meet folks who may have only seen you in a pic or online. My girl…