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No.

Realized I cared
I let my soul be touched
and my heart caressed
foolishly, I gave into
the game
I can't say when or why or how
but I think of you in the dawn
finding it necessary to
push away
turn away
letting silence be my salvation
Its unfair that I must
feel shame
for saying words
that come from real emotion

My eyes are closed to you
I turn away, hoping to regain me
in that moment before I knew you
even existed
I can only carry so much
of this weight
My dance had a partner
participating, leading, and even guiding
each step of the waltz
almost appearing choreographed
and I followed so very willingly
sadly

I've cried, repented and prayed
but why?

Every word
ever spoken from my lips
were true
I am your Friend
but not in the shadows
not in notes and lines on paper
to be erased so no one knows
If I'm to be hidden
then
I'm shame
I'm regret
I'm lust
I'm secrets
I'm confusion
I'm not real
but just a fantasy
that fulfilled some
empty spot
for a time
in a soul
in a heartbeat

My soul says
lies
lies
lies
I'm Real

Realized I cared
and I simply wanted
to keep caring
clandestine, we were
and I'll never be again
Friendship
open and real
and true
and continues
to be True
but I must
save me
I must be
emotional
I must be real
I must be honest
You are my Friend
no matter if I never
speak a whispering word
or smile a smile
or laugh over nothing

Just Realize, I cared.

Note:
Today has been a brilliant day of inspiration. Its been a day when God kisses you so gently on the forehead and tells you to just let go and everything will be alright. So, I'm just letting go of it all, as much as I can, and will allow God to be true and to be God.

Today simply has been a day of Rhonda loving Rhonda and that's been good. Its been a day to just say, "Ok, this is what it is. What is the next step?" I see the step and I'm taking it.
New paths, new journeys, and new people to share my world with. Maybe one season is over or maybe its never even begun. I don't think the story has ended BUT there is a needed break because I need it.

This poem is the most heart felt poem I've written in awhile even though its not the best. Its 100% Real and 100% about my world. So many time people do guessing games about what i'm writing about. No guessing needed. I'm being introspective like a mutha. I need it.


Romans 8:28 in full effect.


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I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.


again.


If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.


I'm free to be.