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So many times, I've spoken of death in my blogs. The process of death is always so hard on me.
And its hard for me to actually move into the stages of grieving loss. I never really operate in the first stage, Denial. It is what it is. I accept loss for what it is and don't question it. God is in control and knows the 'whys' of it all.

Its the other stages that get me.

  • Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  • Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  • Depression (I don't care anymore)
  • Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I tend to jump to Bargaining. How can I change me and my responses to loss? I remember after Mom died, my therapist told me, two years after her passing, I had not even started grieving from her death, the loss of friendships and my gig at the DC. He told me that I try to push through to acceptance too soon and not really deal with my true feelings. Well, today, I'm not doing that. I have a huge sense of Loss, impending and current. My aunt is ill. My grandmother is ill. I had to disconnect with a VERY dear friend. Like always, I initially tried to just move into acceptance. Why go through all of the drama?

Well its about learning to just realize you feel like shit and not trying to cover it up. I feel like shit on many levels about this impending loss of family. I feel like shit about the loss of a good friendship. Like a trooper, I'll keep on moving and will be fine but right now, I'm feeling it all.


Changing of the Guards

Interviewing is a weird process. Went on the second interview for a new gig and I'm anxiously awaiting the offer. Every job I've had since coming out of unemployment has been very strategic and this one won't be any different. The one thing I can say is that God has a plan for me and I'm on point in my professional life. I never make a move without asking for direction, guidance and wisdom. It is vital that I seek him in every move, even personally. CWUW is moving fast as well. The train has finally left the station. We are moving right along.

Seek and You Will Find

Theme of the week for me it seems. Godly principles at work.


Content of ClevaWords

I had found myself censoring my words and feelings based on who maybe reading my words. No more. This is my outlet and my venue of expression. Rarely do I try to bring harm to anyone through my words but simply share my feelings at the moment. ClevaWords is my freedom. If I allow others to dictate the content, I'm no longer free. NO one should be so egoistical to think my words, feelings are about them all the time. My life experiences and observations are varied.

Like they say, turn the channel if you don't like what you're seeing.

People are really fucked up

Sorry for the profanity but they are. I've never seen so many folks so willing to harm another soul as I have this week. Incredible. Sad. Scary. I sat in my friends office the other day and cried because I MAY have participated in harming someone indirectly. CRIEDDDDDDDD. What is wrong with the human condition? People are fucked up.

I'm sorry.



bed.

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I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.


again.


If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.


I'm free to be.