Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday rambling....

As I actively move into this next phase of my life, the players have changed. The people I talk with daily have changed. I still have my BEST friends, my sisters who will never leave my side but we all still just check in.

There's a new crew of folks around me, some willing and some I think are struggling (another blog). Its been cool. I feel like some of this is where I should have been 12 years ago before the ex. I'm very happy to be able to do my thing. I'm still not there. I still push people. I'm still a tad over bearing but whatever. My drive is actually the way that I stay humble. When I think everything needs to be fixed, I don't have time to think I'm the sh*t. I don't know if that's logical thinking but it works for me. I'm ok with it for now.

I'm moving towards something I really can't see yet. All I know is, I have to continue to building the character of my daughter, get my finances back on track from the Valley years, establish a strong foundation for CWUW, and bottomline, take care of Rhonda.

I truly have learned that I need to focus on me wholeheartedly. I want to be WHOLE. I desire to be a woman that God is proud to call his child. I'm working. I refuse to function in guilty for anything. Just because I know something is wrong, there is no need to feel guilty about it. Learn and move on. Guilt can make you do some weird stuff to make up for it. It makes you over compensate when there is no need. nah....learn and move on.

Another interesting thing is being with single women.....has been a learning experience. I know I get asked constantly about my singlehood and I really can't answer why I'm single. I don't get approached. (shrug) But I think some women are single because....well....YIKES. I'll leave it there. I am going to start trying get out there and date...I think I'm a fly ass chick....and need a fly ass dude to partner with me in this journey. I driven dude with purpose. When you see a guy like that, have him all me. :)

I'm rambling. I'm in a good place even though there are somethings out of wack. I'm good with me.

CWUW is really moving ahead. I'm really happy about it. 2010 will be GREAT!

yes sir.
framed
Let me stare and glace
and wish
keeps me safe
let me look and watch
and think
that I'm there
I am safe

triggered
Let me play and long
and hope
keeps me energized
Let me wonder and fantasize
and lust
keeps me intrigued
I am addicted

Monday, February 23, 2009

I've written a few things but haven't posted them just yet. Stay tuned.



Looking around and times are hard. I mean, HARD. How to maintain in these times is the struggle and the goal. I've been here before and I know that all there is.....is God. You do all that within your power but ultimately, God will move you into the right direction. Seek his instruction. Seek his peace. Don't think about the bills. If the lights get cut off, they'll get turned back on.

You will survive if you remember whom you serve. This will be the test of your faith. Will you sink or swim?

And for those still above water....we need to help. We need to check on our neighbors.
We have, so that we can give so give.

No more to really say huh?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Today, my kid said -

"Mom, you need a man?" in response to having to change a tire.

:/


that's all.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

2/19/2009






On the 19th of February - This date marks five years since mom transcended. I was there. I was alone with her for most of the night. She died.

I never took issue with her DEATH per se but I had issue with that night. That's for another note, blog, or whatever.

Yesterday, my grandmother passed away. She was 90. I was actually without emotion when I received the word. I was more concerned for my dad. This is is mother. It has to hurt. I guess I was reliving the pain of losing my mother. If you still have your mom, you CAN'T understand especially if you had an awesome mother like Charlotte. Never, ever, ever, ever try to pretend you even know what its like. You can't image.

God does heal the broken heart. Time DOES heal. When I think of her, I smile instead of cry. There are days I still think she's in her little house across town, in her bedroom, reading the latest romantic novel, with her Coke in her green cup and watching some lame action movie. That's how you would find her if you walked in her room anytime after 8pm. Her bedroom was oddly like the den. We hung out there. Why? Mom was ENERGY. You wanted to be there.

I have the "famous green cup". We didn't wash it. You can still smell the coke cola. The cup is actually stained with coke. That's how much she drank the drink. Every kid in the family (mom's family) has walked and stolen a sip out of the cup. A funny little memory.....

She also used to draw a black heart onto her chest DAILY. She started doing that when she was in her early 20's. She feared getting a tat so she just used liquid eyeliner. It was a perfect black heart. You never saw her without it. She really Rocked! ha.

Who was Charlotte? She was loud and funny. She was very good seamstress, sewing most of her own clothing. Many people would say to her, "Hey, you remind me of Wilona from Good Times!" That would tick her off BUT to be honest, if you had to describe her....that would be the easiest way. She was just like that.....(gigglin'). quick with the tongue....fun.....

After her death I learned that so many of my friends had "Charlotte stories", these private conversations with her.

She was coolness. She was a Diva. She was my biggest fan (next to the Kid).

I'm without a mother. No mother to impart wisdom. No mother to offer support. No funny exchanges over the phone. No one asking if we're sisters. No more of her BBQ (which is a major loss...ha).

Its surreal. She gone but here. I know she's with me and my brother and even more so the grand kids.

And its weird how my face is morphing into hers. I am Charlotte's daughter. I'm honored by that. I will speak of her greatness even when my dad's family won't utter her name and have not asked, "How have you guys been doing since that day?" No comments about missing a woman that was a part of the family for 27 years. She was erased, so it seems. Weird...and disappointing.

My dad will be 70 and lost his mom. That's a good run. I was 36. Too soon. She missed the Kids prom and she'll miss her graduation. She'll miss Brax and Braylee growing up and they will miss having their "Grandest". She will miss CWUWs explosion onto the Indy health scene. Yes, I know she's with me but there's nothing like the sound of your moms voice saying, "I'm proud of you." NOTHING like it.

As my dad's family, mourns the lost of my grandmother, I look at the powerful responsibility and influence of motherhood. Mother's live a mark, whether they are good or bad.

She was greatest example of unconditional LOVE and the responsibility we have for one another. She gave me the gift of giving.

So, as I've done for the past years, on 2/19/2009...I will get me a coke and pop that can...I will dance and laugh and honor my mom. In the oddest way, she gave me a gift in her death because I've never been stronger. I think she knew.

RIP Amy.

2/19/2009 - I made it five years! I love ya mom!

I'll have a Coke and a Smile for you - ol' lady!

:)
Center

axis, focal point, inside, midst, core, innermost, deepest

Wellness

whole, heal, health, goodness, strength, complete

Urban

citified, metropolitan, downtown, movement

Women

female, mother, sister, daughter, life, nurturer

Death becomes her.....

On February 14th, my grandmother passed away at 90 years old.

Basically, I'm just sad for my dad. No matter the age, that was his mother. So my heart goes out to him and his family for their loss.

I can honestly say that I wasn't close with my grandmother so its an odd feeling. It feels like a family friend passed away more so than a relative OR maybe I'm harden with it comes to death. My dads family hasn't had but a very, very few deaths whereas my mother's side has been hit hard.

So, I'm gearing up for this week of family stuff.

RIP AMY.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

YESHUA

I'm down for everyone having their own path. I don't get involved in the conversation of Yeshua being the only way. I think he definitely wanted everyone to know that he is the Son of the Most High and he was here to reconcile us back with God. For me, salvation does come through Yeshua.
I'm a proud Christian.

Now, I'm NOT proud of Christianity. It is failing miserable. I remember telling someone that it seems (some) pastors and church leaders are no more than a drug pushers. I STILL her more pastors taking about prosperity than the healing of the mind and spirit. You have pastors that think its beneath them to make visits to hospitals or to even see members of their congregations. This is the problem with Mega churches. Also, why does it cost to get a word for God? Why aren't dvds, cds, etc Free? Come on really. I've seen folks charge hundreds of dollars for one of their sermons. Did Yeshua say to do that?

I recall him telling his disciples to go out and spread the good news and they will be taken care of by the people the come across. I don't remember him mentioning this pimp game I see happening from time to time. And since when is having a big house, a fancy car, and fine clothes the sole sign you're "blessed" by God? This is the message of prosperity teachings. Only once in awhile will they speak about your soul prospering. Its annoying. Its very annoying.

Ok...I have no idea why I typed all of that because I was in the mindset of PRAISE and Giving love to the Jesus the Christ on this day.

The awesomeness of God is amazing to me. Its all about Faith and Love. This week he has shown me, AGAIN, that he is in my corner and has my back. What I'm learning - a problem needs to be in front of you for God to do his thing. I think we'd rather have just good things show up but that's easy AND sometimes we contribute those things to good luck. God wants the praise but I think, more importantly, he wants you to know that he loves you. I think God wants you to know that there is nothing going on in your life that he's not aware of.

I think its awesome. He has come through for me and the Kid again this week. I love him for it! The small things matter to me even more so than the big ones.

Bottomline - I love him. I believe he has my life in his hands and he is still shaping and molding me. I'm far from being finished but I'm on my way.

So for this Valentine's Day - My Valentine is Yeshua.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE ....Him.

Here's a song that kept me sound. I love this song so much.




This song just reminds me that LOVE is the center of all things.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Beauty of the Kid

Sometimes you really don't see why you go through some of the trials you do then you see it, clearly

Lately, I'm seeing the other purpose for my Valley a few years ago. I knew it was about my own growth and I embraced the journey and walked through my darkest time knowing that God had my hand. At the same time, I felt like I had Syd's hand but I think she was holding God's hand as well.

She was 13 when her grandmother died and her mother lost her job and went through the most trying time. Syd NEVER complained. She never pulled a "why is this happening to me?" She stood right by my side and we made it through.

I'm still seeing the positive effects of those times on my kid.

Anything negative or hard comes her way, Syd is quick to KNOW everything will be fine. She finds the good in it. She will remind me that there is a reason for the situation and that we will be fine. How many of us would have loved to learn that lesson at 18 instead of later in life? God was working on BOTH of us. He has made Syd a strong young woman. She has made her a grateful young woman. I'm proud of her. She is very much a teenager (Lawd) but when times are rough, Syd steps up. No complaining.

I really love my daughter very much. I'm always so grateful that she's the child I've gotten to have stewardship over. God reminds me all the time that she is very much HIS child as much as I like to claim her as solely mine. I enjoy listening to her figure out her world and plan her next steps. She recently gave me the most incredible compliment. She was working on the computer and I told her she was a great kid and will make a great woman. She didn't even turn around and said, "I'm just trying to be half the woman you are mom. You are the greatest woman I know." I was like Wha? ME? (cry, cry, tear, tear)

Times have been hitting us a little hard recently but we've been here. We make a plan and work it as a team. She is ready for the next phase of her life and I'm confident that she will enter it with grace. God bless her.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Why are you single?

I got asked that annoying question AGAIN?

I think men really do believe women have an abundant pool of choices. NOT.

I don't even get approached by men. As I've said before, I've been told, I behave as if I'm in a relationship and I still don't know what that means either. I'm not playing dumb, believe me. I just don't get it.

How do you behave when you're single? (single)

So, I don't know why I'm single. I think the dude that's bold enough to finally step to me in confidence, will get some attention. I only get the attached dudes....that's another blog. :/


please stop asking me that question!!!!!

Thanks :)

Power

Power.

Power corrupts.

Power motivates.

How do you handle power? I'm taking a look at myself and this notion of POWER.

I think I've always been a natural born leader even though I didn't always take the lead in some cases. I lead when necessary OR when my mother made me. (giggle)

I know that people see leadership in me. I can tell that people have faith in me to do whatever I may put my mind to. Why? Don't know. (lol) I know that I can influence. I know that I can even be quite manipulative if I wanted to be. So how do you keep from being a user? How do you keep from taking advantage of people?

For me, why would I want to do anyone harm? We all reap the harvest that we sow in one way or another. I'm not sowing seeds of negativity - purposely anyway.

God sets you on high. He places you into positions of power and leadership. I'm accountable and responsible for that position and I'm not even "there" yet. What is unnerving is folks who put you there. Today someone kept telling me how together I had everything. I'm thinking...huh?

I don't let projection change me for the good or bad. I am Rhonda. The power in my hands is the power of God and for HIS purpose to serve HIS people. I am no more than a servant. I am you. You are me. Power is a tool to manifest your dreams. Its a way to make things happen. When God gives you a voice, use it to promote love. I really adore every woman that's come to CWUW and I don't even know some of them yet. You can see the hope in their eyes. Its magical. I'm so blessed to provide the vehicle for them to see their dreams manifest. That's what Power should do. Its not for ourselves. Use it for good.

I'm ready to help women live better lives. I'm ready to enjoy life to the fullest.

I'm thankful to God for loving me. I'm thankful for him entrusting me with a huge task. I'm thankful for my old friends standing by me for all of these years. I'm thankful for the new friends who will walk the journey with me from now until its all over.

Power is what you make it. Use it wisely.


yeah....I'll edit later. :)
as the dawn approaches
I smile to see you by my side
and tell the world
you are here
you are with me
you remind me that I'm loved
I'm desired
I'm needed
filling my emptiness with
warmth

everyday I know
you will smile
as the sun sets and rises
you are there
my heart is impassioned for
how you make me feel
let me tell the world
you love me
sharing our every moment
captured

this moment I wake up
loved, desire, embraced
seeing the manifestation of
a prayer long past
heavens gates misses your movement
you are my love

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Growth of CWUW

I was sick.

I had a grant due for work.

I had a training going on at work.

I had initially 10 women wanting to join CWUW.

WOW.

I did it. I can say that I maybe slacking too much on the day gig but I got it all done. My body was tired but my mind kept pushing.

I now have a good staff of volunteers to move this machine forward in 2009. All are excited for the possibility of greatest. Just the POSSIBILITY of something great can move mountains. I continue to stand before the mountain in all humility but knowing that it is in my power for it to be moved.

CWUW is coming together piece by piece. Its being strengthen by passion.

I'm pleased but I know the road is still long. We still have so much to do. Its so interesting tha t women felt I had everything so organized. They were impressed with CWUW. I'm thinking, huh? We have so many missing pieces but I know as a leader, you tend to see the entire picture.

I'm thankful to God, Yeshua for his continued guidance. We serve him and his people.

CWUW in 2009....a mighty force.

Valentine's Day 2009

This day is weird when you're single. You're remind..."hey, you're single!"

:/

But the day really is about love. My mom used to buy me and my brother Vday cards every year simply because she loved us.

So I have many loves.

My Daughter is my greatest love.

My girlfriends - my awesome sisters! Yo, Lisa, Yolanda, Gloria, Rashida, Cynthia....

My sister/cousin -I LOVE YOU so much. Our mothers are so proud of us!

My NEW loves - Ginnie, my sis and yeah...even my boy Russ, my brother.....coolness...new lifelongers.

My dad and my brother - I love ya'll

The light brights - Braxton, Braylee, Loveday and Miles.....generation next!

and even Zeus......love ya even though you're scared of your own shadow.

I wish all of you mad LOVE!!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I'm in love with me today
wrapped in beauty formed by the divine
appreciated only by a few
I am a supa sista
the greatest of the world
sexy and fine
seriously on my grind
Believing that I am that I am
because God said so
Remembering that past hurts
as they have scared my soul
but building me, me
I'm in love with me today
this week alone
called a whore by a man
who said, "I love you."
Rejected.
He sought to cause me harm
and I stand and smile.

I struggle with lust
I seek love
I wait
Patiently.

I love me
my hips.
the marks of birth that circle
the sun in my stomach
reminding me of the blessing
of life
my Lips
can speak wisdom from the soul of the ancient Gods
I am in love with me today.