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2/19/2009






On the 19th of February - This date marks five years since mom transcended. I was there. I was alone with her for most of the night. She died.

I never took issue with her DEATH per se but I had issue with that night. That's for another note, blog, or whatever.

Yesterday, my grandmother passed away. She was 90. I was actually without emotion when I received the word. I was more concerned for my dad. This is is mother. It has to hurt. I guess I was reliving the pain of losing my mother. If you still have your mom, you CAN'T understand especially if you had an awesome mother like Charlotte. Never, ever, ever, ever try to pretend you even know what its like. You can't image.

God does heal the broken heart. Time DOES heal. When I think of her, I smile instead of cry. There are days I still think she's in her little house across town, in her bedroom, reading the latest romantic novel, with her Coke in her green cup and watching some lame action movie. That's how you would find her if you walked in her room anytime after 8pm. Her bedroom was oddly like the den. We hung out there. Why? Mom was ENERGY. You wanted to be there.

I have the "famous green cup". We didn't wash it. You can still smell the coke cola. The cup is actually stained with coke. That's how much she drank the drink. Every kid in the family (mom's family) has walked and stolen a sip out of the cup. A funny little memory.....

She also used to draw a black heart onto her chest DAILY. She started doing that when she was in her early 20's. She feared getting a tat so she just used liquid eyeliner. It was a perfect black heart. You never saw her without it. She really Rocked! ha.

Who was Charlotte? She was loud and funny. She was very good seamstress, sewing most of her own clothing. Many people would say to her, "Hey, you remind me of Wilona from Good Times!" That would tick her off BUT to be honest, if you had to describe her....that would be the easiest way. She was just like that.....(gigglin'). quick with the tongue....fun.....

After her death I learned that so many of my friends had "Charlotte stories", these private conversations with her.

She was coolness. She was a Diva. She was my biggest fan (next to the Kid).

I'm without a mother. No mother to impart wisdom. No mother to offer support. No funny exchanges over the phone. No one asking if we're sisters. No more of her BBQ (which is a major loss...ha).

Its surreal. She gone but here. I know she's with me and my brother and even more so the grand kids.

And its weird how my face is morphing into hers. I am Charlotte's daughter. I'm honored by that. I will speak of her greatness even when my dad's family won't utter her name and have not asked, "How have you guys been doing since that day?" No comments about missing a woman that was a part of the family for 27 years. She was erased, so it seems. Weird...and disappointing.

My dad will be 70 and lost his mom. That's a good run. I was 36. Too soon. She missed the Kids prom and she'll miss her graduation. She'll miss Brax and Braylee growing up and they will miss having their "Grandest". She will miss CWUWs explosion onto the Indy health scene. Yes, I know she's with me but there's nothing like the sound of your moms voice saying, "I'm proud of you." NOTHING like it.

As my dad's family, mourns the lost of my grandmother, I look at the powerful responsibility and influence of motherhood. Mother's live a mark, whether they are good or bad.

She was greatest example of unconditional LOVE and the responsibility we have for one another. She gave me the gift of giving.

So, as I've done for the past years, on 2/19/2009...I will get me a coke and pop that can...I will dance and laugh and honor my mom. In the oddest way, she gave me a gift in her death because I've never been stronger. I think she knew.

RIP Amy.

2/19/2009 - I made it five years! I love ya mom!

I'll have a Coke and a Smile for you - ol' lady!

:)

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