Monday, May 23, 2011

[Sex Therapy]

The running joke with two of my co-workers is how "cute" they are. They talk about being in the "cute club" and how the world just knows they are cute and they just live accordingly. I always just laugh, knowing they are very serious about their cuteness.  They told me that I couldn't be a part of the their club because I'm not cute.  They told me not to be sad. I just needed to find the "sexy" club. They then told me how they were not sexy and how they are ok with it. I was told I needed to own my "sexiness" as they have own their cuteness. 

Sounds really goofy to even say. I'm sexy. [shutters]

There is no exaggeration in that story.  This is my life with my co-workers and I love them for their "cute club".  I was a little jealous of their freedom. They aren't conceited people but they are confident in their cuteness whereas this sexy label seemed more like a haunting from some ghost that wants to me learn some lesson.  I've connected the label with negativity, with unwanted attention, unwanted gestures. I believe this is a part of me wearing my extra weight like a winter's coat, refusing to take it off.  I can't be sexy with an extra few pounds, right? But then, I see me still getting the attention. I still get told about my sex appeal. So what is my issue with this label really? hmmmm.....what is "this crazy" about?

I've been trying to uphold some false image that's void of sex appeal. I need to be this community person with "an image".  What that image is- who knows but its time to get rid of that ill way of thinking. 

This is an odd blog to write. 

My sexuality is a part of me. I'm a sexual person. That doesn't mean I'm promiscuous but sex hasn't held me in some bondage or box until I tried to control how I look, feel, speak, and move. I TRIED not to be sexy.  :/

THIS is the issue that's kept the layers on me. Not bulimia. I was trying to be unattractive - unsexy so I can do the work and be seen for the work.  Letting go of feeling guilty when someone's eyes falls upon me and they are drawn to me. I'm loving me. The curvy me is fly.  Look at me and I won't turn away....anymore. 

Another layer....My healing is unfolding so completely this year. This is another thing.....baggage removed. 

sexy is as sexy does.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Connecting with God…again


My road with the Spiritual has been very interesting. I believe wholeheartedly when I was little that negativity, evil, the demonic, or whatever you want or need to call it, what's too pleased about my existence. At 6 weeks old, my other woke smoldering smoke and a hole by my head. Instead of the fire spreading outwardly, in went downward, causing me no harm. Thank you, God. When I was 4, I was hit by an ice cream truck. No harm. Nothing was broken. Once again at my aunts, I was hit by a car. Only my leg was broken. [My aunt was a horrible babysitter.] Thank you, God. At 6 years old, I was eating a hot dog and I began to choke. I was choking in such a way that I made no sound so my mother who was there washing dishes couldn't immediately. She just happened to turn around and began to beat the crap out of my back. Thank you, God.

It then gets WEIRD. My spiritual "connections" became more direct. At about 10 years old, I was in my room asleep and I felt hands on my legs, on my stomach, and across my chest all in an attempt to hold me down. Now, I know what you're thinking. A 10 year olds imagination is pretty dramatic but I'll I can tell you, it was real. Of course, I immediately tried to scream but I had NO control of my mouth. It began to move uncontrollably. All I could feel was evil was there and it wanted to harm me. I was TERRFIFIED. In my spirit, I kept saying, "Help me Jesus!! Help me Jesus!!" ……and it stopped. I ran to my parent's room and asked my mom to sleep in my room with me. After that, I always slept with a bible opened next to my bed with a rosary. [we were very catholic]

[I'm not crazy]

My connection with God was truly established because I knew there was a Spiritual world. I knew there were things unseen good and evil. This is what I know. I realized that I had very strong spiritual discernment. I could feel and sometimes see things in people that I knew others couldn't see. In meetings, there would be people that I wouldn't sit next to or shake their hands. I still don't allow people into my home. I feel people leave a part of them with where ever they go and I don't want lingering spirits in my home.

[I'm really not crazy]

So how does this all work with being raised a "Christian"? Well, it worked better when I was Catholic because at least Catholics talked about possession and exorcism. There was constant conversation about a real connection between this world and the spiritual one but when I became a protestant, spirituality took on a different face. It was mostly about "the devil made me do it" OR being filled with the Holy Spirit. Neither seemed really tangible to me. When I would look at people and understanding how I needed to talk with them or even if I should, it was about a "knowing". It's hard to join together my experience with the Spiritual and the so-called traditional Christian church.

My connection is beyond the very surface religion that I see pushed. God is bigger than religion and we've been taught so differently. We have God in a box. He can only do things if we do things. God can do anything for us that is needed, when its needed. Prayer is important as well as meditation. Fasting and Giving are also basic things ways of connecting with the Spirit of God. It just opens us up spiritually. So where am I today? I've been distant. I've allowed the world to keep me in a tail spin and I've only spoken with God as needed [according to me] but God misses me and I miss having that very close spiritual connection when I know I was one with the universe for the good or bad. I miss "the knowing". I miss seeing God in the wag of a dog's tail or the sounds of the birds on my window sill. I miss it all.

So I journey back to being weirdly spiritual by talking with the unseen but feeling every moment. I take in the Power of God and the Wisdom of the Spirit. If this is the "Year of Me" then it also has to be the "Year of Me and God".

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Get my Vagina Out of your Mouth!

I live in Indiana. The defunding of Planned Parenthood directly effects me and my community and yet, the people are silent and most importantly, women are silent.  Stop just "liking" statuses or retweeting a 140 character protest rant.  Get involved to save your communities.  We need to be rallying around Planned Parenthood and other women serving orgs who allow women to make healthy decisions about their reproductive health.

Indiana isn't the only state seeking to defund Planned Parenthood.  Its coming to a state near you.  Its men making decisions about the health and well-being of women and our right to choose and I'm not talking about abortion but where we want to receive our healthcare services.  Many women see their primary care physicians at a Planned Parenthood clinic.  The law signed by Mitch Daniels is illegal.  We, the people, need to make our voices heard.  Women, fight for your rights.  This is about you.  Its not about abortion.  The majority of Planned Parenthood services educate on reproductive health including abstinence.  Planned Parenthood has comprehensive adoption services.  We have to view this as an assault on women's health and not some way to stop abortions.  Abortions will continue especially now we've taken access to birth control and family planning services.

I can't let all of those who want to bring up the founding Planned Parenthood and its initial intentions as a reason to not fight for this cause.  I know about the genocidal focus of Planned Parenthood's shady, horrible past. Its all true. What is it today though? 

Save my vagina from men (and women) who only want to use it as a means to political power. Leave my vagina alone.  Instead, provide education.  Get me some healthcare.  Help me to live better.  My vagina is mine. Its not to be regulated and played with. (ok...pause that) We need to continue to fight with Planned Parenthood.  Women....stand up. Don't let anyone keep you quiet.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Simply in Love [repost]

August 17, 2007 - Friday

Simply in love with the essence of you
I'm consumed with the possibilities of forever and the certainties of today
Heated passions, common ground are shared without strife, moving us into another level, another vibe, another thing
Nameless it remains as we find peace in this nameless connection
Simply in love with the way it is, the way its done and the way .....the way....the way
Touches unlock hidden secrets, confessions are made about pasts loves and hurts and leading us to lay down, lay down those things that hinder us from feeling this
Simply in love a with friendship that defies reason, space and time
just simply in love and its ok.....
simply in love with you

Sunday, May 8, 2011

a tweet...on Mother's Day

"Bitches hella bitter they got those abortions today because, all the other hoes bitches gettin' mothers day attention..." 

 I read this today on twitter. It really bothered me.  It bothered me because it was tweeted and then retweeted.  When questioned about the RT, the person said, "Ive seen this with my own eyes".

My what?  When do we take responsibility for what we co-sign for.  We now think our "truth" out weighs decency and respect.  I don't care about how Hip Hop uses the terms bitch and hoe. We need to stop with the accuses for our bullshit.

 Not only is the woman who had the abortion  a bitch and a hoe but the woman who is being honored.  We all are just Bitches and Hoes and this is truth. I guess....

Happy Mother's Day!