ClevaWords

Its official. My eating disorder is still smacking me in the face. Anytime I see someone with a camera, I'm terrified . I don't want them to take my pic and if they do, I don't want to see it. I'm TERRIFIED. Today, I had my pic taken by a photographer and all I could think about was, "Wow this is horrible timing." I've gained this 20lbs and feel HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. My stomach started to hurt. I was shaking with a smile. :/ I know. No confidence right? Well, whatever. I'm being real and honest. My stomach was twisted every time he showed me a pic. I kept thinking, "I look awful." I smiled and said, ok...yeah, those are GREAT! Yes, I'm in the middle of getting back on track with my weight and diet. My back is still an issue but I'm working through it and I know by this summer, I'll be finally at a healthy weight. I KNOW this. This camera phobia is horrible. Bulimia is horrible. I know there was a lesson in this. I ...

Ok, a daily ritual. I get up in the morning and weigh myself. I weigh myself again after I take a shower. When I come home, I weight myself and then before bed. Yes, I do have a eating disorder and yes, I have body image issues. The scale has been the demon in the house. I welcomed the demon. Don't dare everyone to throw holy water on it. Its both my lover and my enemy. I feel GREAT when I see it move down, down, down. The moment I see it move the other way, I'm upset. So, I walked in the house and did my same ole ritual. This time I was on the phone with my friend. I get on the scale and I go, "ugh". My dog, Zeus, actually gave me this crazy look. I said, "Yeah, I know Zeus, this demon scale needs to go." I told my friend that I'm going to have my daughter hide it. She was like, NO!! Destroy the scale. I first thought, "This chick is nuts!!" Then I thought, "Free yourself Rhonda!" So I agreed. I got off the phone...