in⋅teg⋅ri⋅ty –noun 1.adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.2.the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire. 3.a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.
This is something I'll never comprise again.NEVER.
The beginning of 2008 was all about the "Next Phase". I turned 40 and I'm emotionally sound and I've never been better in terms of my faith. So what did the Next Phase bring?
CWUW blossoming. In 2008, busted my ass to get the organizational structure of CWUW sound. I'm still not where I want to be but we are good. I've been able to recruit some awesome women to be a part of the org. I think I'm most proud of me completely the 501c3 application. The application itself use to be more simple. They have changed ALOT. It made me think strategically about CWUW and our programs. That was hardwork. I thought about folks hiring attorneys to complete that app and paying hundreds of dollars. I did good!.
Of course Life Jam was a wonderful success for CWUW. It was a learning experience. I'm no concert promoter and I don't want to be BUT we were able to put together a show with a cool vibe and get the word out …
One of the major things about being an adult is knowing when to say yes and no. We think because we're adults its suppose to be so very easy to just push things aside that we want. Its difficult. I'm pushing away from the table today. All my favs are there but I can't partake any longer. I love the desserts especially. I do have a sweet tooth but I've learned to say.....no more....but thanks.
Desire is a strong thing. I think it can lead to love, pleasure, joy, and happiness. It can also lead to pain if its misguided. A desire is a longing for, a wish, or even strong intention. Its a STRONG emotion. Why would anyone want to overcome this thing called "Desire"? I DON'T but as I stated before, sometimes it needs to be put on the back burner for more important things. That sucks, huh? Its real.
I really like any ice cream with toffee ESPECIALLY coffee. If I see some toffee ice cream, its very hard for me to walk pass but I've learned…
I complete the application for the org. I was feeling my oats (as my mom would say). I was smiling and crying and proud. Then its like the weirdest stuff started happening.
We had the darkness over us but not in a negative way...if that makes any sense. Me, Syd and some family members felt really heavy this season. It was hard. I was pissed that I couldn't just enjoy the season. We were all cryin' and stuff. I'm watching the Wiz and there goes Diana singing Home and there I go....CRYING. My car...you know the Caddy, was doing some funky stuff too. I'm like....Wha?
We get through the Christmas day and then the Kid had a horrible evening with someone stealing her purse. I wasn't shook but I was tired. It was all annoying. I'm like...ugh...but the day was filled with God speaking to me.
I received a long message from a woman on myspace who read my entire blog and was inspired. I was like...Whoa. It was a wonderful message and a blessing.…
I believe God is closer than we make him. So many think he's in another place or only peeks in at various times. He is ever present. He knows and sees everything we do. He knows our motives. He knows our hearts.
That's a little spooky, huh? We think we are just here and we will deal with God and his judgment later but have every expectation that his love is in the NOW. Now God's damnation is later. As we live, we have the opportunity to grow and learn and ask for forgiveness but we do reap what we sow. God's laws are universal and work all the time. Plant your seeds wisely. Your deeds are your seeds.
But what is so wonderful about God is his mercy for us. His measure of mercy does vary from person to person because our journeys are different. This does cause some folks strife. They want to know why one person can get off for murder and someone else gets life. God finds a way for us to still fulfill his plan even when we mess up. We're also given a m…
This blog is a way of expressing my inner workings. I've blogged for about 3-4 years now. I've been blessed for the notes and messages I've received that my journey has helped others deal. If you're reading my blog to be nosy, you're in the wrong spirit.
I'm not going to make any revelations about anyone specific EVER that would cause harm! I do love the guessing. :/
As life changes so drastically next year, I'm sure my blogs both here and on myspace will reflect this journey.
I'm glad God has helped me to understand the importance of being transparent without being inappropriate.
For the past 6 months, I put off writing the application for CWUWs 501c3. I tried to hire someone and that always failed. I knew it was meant for me to write it.
Today, when I started writing the check, I actually started crying and my hands started shaking. I sat there and just said, "It is done." It's taken me literally 8 years just to get to this point. I've had to go through ALOT to get here. Believe me, there were many distractions but made it. I pushed through my own self doubt and just believed that this is about God and not me (as I've always believed).
It was a moment of knowing I've been wholeheartedly working on the journey and willing taking the hits. Unfortunately, I've had to learn this year that I have to guard my spirit. This aches me but I know what needs to be done. As CWUW grows, more vampires, parasites, manipulators, etc will be ready to pounce and destroy either me or CWUW. When my cousin told me that I wasn't healed from …
the sweet smile on your face is like the dawn the breath and life of a new day you are love you are the wings of a eagle you are the Heart of God your eternal light is powerful making any demon flee his perch you are my greatest creation my finest work I give you to the world beautiful whole and loved I now watch you move from girl to Woman and I know you will be fine
First let me say that I LOVE my cousin. She really is my sister. We have the same vibe and we are each others love as we move through life both being motherless children.
I've been able to really reconnect with her in the past few months. She's been living in NYC for 20 years and doesn't make it back home too often. She is my voice and my mirror. I can depend on her to say just want I NEED to hear with no fluff (cuz i hate that).
I got the beat down. This goes along with the Baby I'm a star blog. She keeps reminding me that I'm still healing from the crap of the past and stop thinking I'm so incredibly there just yet. I still have work to do and at the same time, letting me know that I'm FLY.
I say that all the time but like anyone....some days I don't feel it. The 20lbs weight this year is reeking havoc on my mental thing. HAVOC......and because of it, I've made some dumb decsions and I've allowed some to think they have some sorta control…
I think this is deja vu. I think I didn't a blog by the same title which only means I didn't mean it the first go around. Today, my cousin smacked me in the face. She basically let me have it but with love. I think it clicked when she called me a Star and not just any Star a BIG Star. I sorta laughed but I knew what she was saying. It wasn't just some sisterly hype but she was telling me that I need to think bigger. She was saying that I need to kill some of the humility and know that God has Big things for me. She was reminding that others can see it and want it and will suck me dry if I allowed them. (hmmmm...did a blog about vampires)
I guess I needed it. I guess I think of myself as regular ole Rhonda and I'm not that, I guess. I know a friend was telling about "the dude". I swear everyone on the planet feels I need to be with someone. (shrug) The friend had this very specific type of dude, confidient, driven, mover/shaker type. mmmm'ok.…
I went back and I've read my blogs (here and on myspace) and what a journey. I'm still complaining about stuff. I'm still a little too judgmental about a few things but I can see my growth. I don't think through what I write, its all from the gut. Its all from the moment. I appreciate all the comments I do receive (mostly in private) and I make no apology for anything I've written. Its all about me. Its about my journey and where I am at the moment. I could be full of it. I could be on some bogus rhetoric. I could be hurt. I could be misguided. With all of that said, its all me and its all honest.
Its clear that I'm on some lunacy some days. I look back and laugh. I find it even more humorous that some still think certain blogs are about them. (Arrognance..ha). This has been a joyous adventure. I don't mind being transparent on certain topics. Its all good. This has been the best therapy and I'll continue forward.
I'm not going through and editing anything.....I'm writing tired and sleepy but its all from the heart. I'm going to let all the typos, misspellings, verb tense issues...let it all be. This the vibe. Deal.
I'm here thinking about me. I'm thinking about work, the day gig. I can see why I'm there as far as career and how it will help with CWUW. They are very technology based. They take advantage of all new uses for communicating with others across the country. They will help me to also step up my training game, making sure I'm thorough and effective. As much as I'm ready to quit any day gig, I know I need this gig.
But there are times of my "focus" keeps me isolated and makes me appear stand-offish. My day gig is secondary to CWUW. If I have stuff to do with CWUW, it gets done first without apology. Is that wrong? Probably. Its my attitude on the job. I'm nice to folks. I chat with folks but I'm also not bothered with stuff …
Sometimes its not even Fear but YOU that hinders progression. God sits back and watches us get in the way of our own blessings all the time. We blame others, situations and we even blame Fear. All are great scapegoats. Its simple. Its us.
I know for me, the moment I stop listening to God, all hell breaks loose in my life. Sometimes God wants to guide me in the simplest tasks and I want to get in the way. "I got this God! Move!" God will say, ok, go for it. Failure comes quickly afterwards. I've delayed so many things in life from disobedience. I stayed in relationships and on jobs too long because I thought I knew better. I remember telling God how much I lovveeeedddeed my ex and God saying, "so". He kept saying, he's not the one even though he looked like it. God was simply whispering to me to move on because he had something bigger and better for me and my future. I paid dearly. I had to admit it was me. Humility will…
As I'm developing CWUW, I'm learning that its been mostly men that have been helpful in my journey. Most of the females who have helped were my friends. This is surprising and disappointing. I'm trying not to question the motivation of some of the men to help but its apparent.
Basically, I just want to do my thing, help others do their thing when I can and receive the appropriate help. This side bar thing is really nuts. As much as I hate networking, I understand it as a skill. Folks like to stay within their sphere of friends and call that 'networking'. I think you also have folks who don't take advantage of opportunities when presented but I'm sure complain that opportunities are limited. Now, I'm not perfect. Sometimes my introverted personality will have me stay home when I should go out and support others projects and network. All of that is very draining for me. Thanksgiving alone had me in the house for a day just to unplug. I ha…
My daily drive is to serve you you are mighty you are my first Love Everyday I see your presence and I long to see your Face, to be touched by your hand and to sing your praises
I'm sadden by those who are too embarrassed admit you exist They are missing a powerful love no man or woman can provide Your vision is my vision Your plan is my plan I'm here to love you and to serve my brothers and sisters with all of my might
There are days I may fail There are days I retreat to my inner being not wanting anyone to come in and you comfort me Thank you for choosing me
So I'm driving home and the roads were icy. I pass over the bridge heading not far from my home and my car begins to spin.
I'm thankful no cars were coming from the opposite direction. I gain control of the car and get back into the lane and BAM, I'm hit hard from behind.
I get out and look at the car. Some paint off the bumper and no other visible damage. The other chick was fine as well.
Called the insurance company and took care of all of that but still had to wait 2 hours for the police. They were cool but a little irritated they were called because no one was hurt and there was no huge damage.
There was a moment of me not wanting to take care of this. I'm like....DAMN. I just didn't want to be an adult.
But this morning, I woke up still shaken a bit by this accident. I couldn't understand why but God does provide some revelation. Me and Syd still have this anxiety about something happening to the other. She just told me that she …
Dippin' into your fantasy nasty as I wanna be lick you there kiss you here pull me close, pull me near close your eyes and you will see the other side, naughty me Pretend as you will late at night I'm your thrill Cleverly I am to thee your chocolate sexy fantasy
What more can be said but this as I move, you are moved as I speak, you are touched as I breathe, you live There are days when words are limited too simple to manifest truth What more can be said but this I am the real thing prayed for hoped for you make me sing songs 45s spin I dance even alone, you dance with me No need to say no more than this we never have to be to exist
I was in the mood tonight of really listening to some music. From the trippy music of Massive Attack and Enigma to some Stevie Wonder and the Isley Brothers. The music has carried me through a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. I'm moved. I'm driven.
You know that a person has you in their grasp just when they start the first lyric. Marsha from Floetry, Howard Hewett, Maxwell....Stevie again. Wow. Tamia's "Stranger in My House" still can bring me to tears as if that song was written for me.
Then move to The Ramones even... there's the little punk girl in me dying to get out and just RELEASE...Rhonda is a Punk Rocker. :)
I'm so drawn to expressive people. I'm allowed to escape or to discover me in a verse, a hook, or in the simplicity of a piano with just a voice flowing along.
Its so magical to listen to a lyric that expresses that moment....its spiritual. Its meant to be.
I'm truly rediscovering my love for music again after a decade of hav…
Ok. I know some folks are gonna say - who cares right? Well, I do actually. Britney Spears was played in my household when my daughter was a tween and I did pay attention to the demise of Britney. My concern started when she was pregnant with the second child and was conducting an interview with Matt Laurer. I remember having a long convo on prince.org about this interview. The Org was as cruel as usual. They sliced her up from her hair to her clothes to her chipped fingernail polished. Britney looked a hot mess but I kept trying to point out the look in her eyes. Something was wrong. This was more than Britney making bad life decisions. This child was lost.
Britney has the baby and then we see her lose her mind. She starts hanging with Paris, she stops wearing underwear, she stays high, she strips, she cuts her hair, etc. etc. etc. She forgets she's a mother.
What happen? (shrug) I don't know the girl but there was a part of me that understood. I understood her…
My days go by without a thought of u and I as I push u out of my mind daily I move to reality, letting fantasy have its way with fairy tales, moonbeams, and unicorns away from me but when my tried body finds rest U appear Unable to turn away, to dream a different dream I face YOU facing the fact that you have captured a space in my mind every time I close my eyes you appear holding me, making me laugh and being you a new day dawns and I open my eyes and return to moving away from fantasy erasure
Convo at Starbucks..... Met a friend at Starbucks for a chat about developing a program. He's interested in "doing something with youth". I have no idea when I became the expert at program development but I think I need to start a consulting firm but anyway. The convo was interesting. There was a frustration coming from him about complacency in community involvement, frustration in religion and also with dating. Too funny. I feel him. Starting with dating. I was sitting at Life Jam and a new friend says, "I just don't understand why you're single." grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I just smiled and said, "Yeah, me either." Singlehood isn't a curse but you would think I had coodies. Why am I single? Don't know. I'm tired of the question so much so that I would date just so I don't have to hear it again. ha! I've really tried not to be one of those chicks that think men are intimidated by me. I think that's a lame asc…
Today I am free. Well, maybe I was just reminded that I'm free. I'm free to believe and hope and simply know. The country is full of hope and it feels good. I'm proud of my country but this was Barack's presidency to be won. When his grandmother died, I knew, this was is destiny. So I am free to believe and know that my destiny is fulfilled even though the journey is not over....this is called HOPE. So with Hope, I truly wish we embrace our freedom. I mean the freedom to be ourselves and be proud who we are individually and collectively.
God has made me strong (as much as I complain about it...it is what it is), insightful and discerning. This is me. I'm free to be me. This is the liberty I have in Christ, in being aware, and in being honest.
I was watching the show "The Real Exorcist" and it was a little like...yeah whatever but sometimes it was a little damn creepy. What I found interesting was how seemingly powerless these demons where (ok...yeah...i know....just keep reading) when approached by the "exorcist" but how bound up the possessed person was.
The interesting this is a really do believe in some of this stuff so I watched. Watching some of the people almost hold onto the demon is what I really found interesting. Do we hold onto our pain because we think we have nothing to fill in? I think so. I know some of my clients LOVED drama. It was like the sought after it but it was all they've known. They really didn't want to let go. There are so many things I want to kick out the door. Peace is a beautiful thing. Operating in crazy is just that - CRAZY!
If you notice in the bible when it speaks of peace and faith, its almost like you have to go to war to protect it. "Fight t…
you know the saying....let it go and if it comes back...blah, blah, blahDon't you hate when you have to operate in cliches. Well here I am. Letting it go and believing that God's plan is better than mine. Believing that God will make it all work for good and that all things will be fine. So, I'm letting it go. Fly away. Have a good one. You are harmful to me in ways you don't even know because its all really about you. Sad but so true. Maybe while away, you'll learn some important lessons about not mistreating others. You can't protect yourself at the cost of others. That's lame. Its immature. Its selfish. Its sad. Its weak. Very weak. Its a punk move. Happiness TRULY comes when we are honest with ourselves. When we can look in the mirror and be ok with who we are and not fake it, we will find peace. Unfortunately, there are some who are so selfish that they can't see their harm when it benefits them. Oh well. You will one day. You will r…
me and you but you and you and you how do you survive with only you and you and you what about me and her and him and they I me my no we, unless you want it, no they, unless you say so you hurt, you hurt, you hurt who hurt you you you you la la la you you you
Thinking about so situations that some of my friends are in and even myself. When I person harms you, we think they just walk away never looking back. We all have to look in the mirror at some point and deal with how we mistreated or harmed another person we've said we loved, liked, cared, or admired.
God provides a time when we must harvest what we've reaped this is why revenge is unnecessary. We can't walk away from the mirror. We can THINK we are happy and ok with our ill treatment of another but we can never have peace as long think its ok to treat someone badly without apology.
There's nothing you can do if you've been wrong or treated badly but let God handle it. A wise person will wake up and make amends with his/her maker first and then, if possible, ask for forgiveness. But there are some who will never "get it" because they are focused themselves and not how they treat others. God does make all of us face the music…
My new gig is cool. I've made my return to HIV/AIDS education and prevention and gender equality. I'm happy.
I'm happy period.
There are so many things that I want to "fix" but I can't. What am I to do?
Nothing. The kid getting her to college is in the prime spot for my focus these days along with all things CWUW. We talk alot about arriving at this stage in her life and her future. I admire my kid because she has come through situations some adults wouldn't be able to handle. I can smile when I look at her. She makes me happy.
Most of my happiness is internal. Its not about things necessarily. I get very excited when I see God's plan manifest. I find incredible joy when I know that God's hand is at work. Its comforting. I've learned that people disappoint and are limited. I don't mean that in a negative way actually but its just how it is. God is limitless. I'm truly embracing HIS plan. There have been disappointments her…
Maybe the timing was off just a bit your world is in confusion and I am here but leave me be Go away and live the life you've made for you I'm not the one to fill the emptiness in your soul so leave me be You call me Queen beautiful and special actions can only touch me ears lacking respect for me and the one that loves you more Leave me be to find someone real and true and honest full of integrity not hidden behind insecurities relationships and secrecy Another life, you and I maybe but for now leave me be
in the past months - I've just been amazed with the number of "attached" men talking to me......just go away. Go be with your chick. If its not for you, then end it but don't try to become entangled with someone else. Man up and leave or Man up and deal with the complexities of any relationship.....AND leave me be.
I've said so many times that I observe so much and sometimes say so little and I continue to be amazed that people assume they are getting away with whatever.
Doesn't it seem, though, that the very thing we complain about in others, we do ourselves. I've seen folks get up in arms about a situation or this or that. "He did this and I can't believe he did this...." or "How inconsiderate she was....I can't believe"....blah, blah, blah
and then turn around and do the same things to other people.
What is that about? I'm sure I do the same thing so this isn't some indictment of any one person but just how we all need to do a better job of paying attention to our words and deeds. "Treat people as you would like to be treated." Remember that one. And sometimes we think we're doing just that until someone points it out.
Yesterday I realized that I had not seen my kid. Well sorta.....well not really. She's working, playing ball and being a teenager. I sent her a message last night telling her that I missed her. She agreed that we don't see alot of each other. We used to have dinner every payday. It was a way for us to catch up, laugh and be stupid. It was our now famous, "mommy/sydney time". I realized that in me running around for CWUW and her trying to complete her senior year, we have been missing each other.
Today was senior pics. I was running late and when I walked in they were taking pics. I just smiled. She looked so pretty. She handled the whole thing and mom could just walk in and chill.
Silence can loudly express all that I feel walking through the wilderness no longer in the Valley but still struggle to find a clearance a path Warrior insight keeps me moving up up up knowing I will find my way guided by my Spirit but at times feeling blinded On today I see the world through different glasses shades of blues and yet I rise Born to lead born to withstand life's pressures regal in every moment I am provides my great rewards Man is cursed for crossing me and Blessed for loving me I know my greatness even through the darkest wilderness always seeing the forest for the trees I rise
Twisted mind only speaking to my spirit the little girl inside who cries alone looking to the heavens for comfort knowing that I maybe be allowed to sit in my madness to learn some lesson a torturous teachable moment I feel the battle of my soul happening as I speak pushing and pulling as I'm a wondrous prize who will win? can my mind fight off the confused state that only comes from evil or will I allow the light that believes in me, win seeking out the answer in my spirit searching for the light in the darkness longing for the love I miss in the loving arms of family gone positioned as mother, friend, leader today wanting to just be me and to be nothing, to no one tired in my bones
Personally, I believe we all have a purpose. Some of people are not called to work with the public and especially with people in need. Its hard for me to switch gears and stop being an advocate even when I'm being treated at the doctors office.
Burn-out is normal for people working in public health and social work. I can tell you from personal experience in working with HIV, its a lot to deal with. Early on, we had to face death daily. You hear horrible stories of abuse, addiction, etc. It does become quite tiresome. When you've become tired, use your vacation. Take a break. Do something. Why would anyone who is already ill want to deal with someone evil in front of them? You're adding to their stresses.
I do understand being tired. There were days would I would allow my staff to close the door and chill. We'd just play music and talk. We needed to take advantage of the downtime and heal ourselves. So I can relate.
Ok, I heard this dude say this the other day tell his girl, "Stop pissin' around me!" She said, "Oh shut up!" Man, I cracked up. Me and my ex use to yell at each other all the time those exact words.
What does that really mean? You're in a relationship. You dig the person. Why is it a negative thing to show some PDAs all of a sudden?
Cause its all of a sudden AND it reeksssssssssss of marking your territory. I would always laugh it off when the ex would say that to me. He would do the same thing when some brother was staring too hard or whatever. It was was never deep but annoying. I would yell, "Stop touching me!!" and he would laugh cuz he knew I was calling him out on "pissin' around me".
Of course, there are times when you are proud of the person you're with but its all about motives. You know when you're just trying to make a point - 'BACK THE F**K UP!!" LOL
I've laid by your side and kissed your lips I've embraced her once again, feeling her love as if she never transcended I've moved through time to see another side of me I've heard secrets revealed I've seen the future I've spoken with the Divine, I've heard his voice so clearly as birds in the dawn I've envisioned fanciful tales of knights and ladies I've rebuked evil in its purest form I've seen my child grow I've touched the heavens and the oceans at the same time I've smiled again, again, and again
If I gotta learn this learn - ya'll do too! :) READ!How to Take Revenge http://www.kencollins.com/disc-29.htm Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. —Romans 12:17-21, NIVIf you have ever been horribly wronged, you have felt an overwhelming desire for revenge.Once, when some kids in my old neighborhood slashed the tires on my car, I found myself consumed with a desire to secretly slash the tires of their cars. Once a young drug addict broke into my house after mi…
You know when you get that "thing" in your stomach that tells you something just ain't right. I have that "thing" going on about couple of situations. One, I'm a smart chick. I see even when I don't say. I've blogged before how some people think because you don't say anything OR you give them opportunities (chances) that somehow you can't see the game. That's foolish and its foolish of me because I guess in not saying anything, I'm suggesting that its ok.
I watch folks. Their words and deeds need to be in alignment with what they say. We all are hypocrites so I'm not saying that perfection is what I"m looking for but some sort of integrity. You know in customer service they tell you if you give good customer service the customer service, the customer may tell one or two people but if you give bad service they will tell 10 or more. YIKES. That goes along with other forms of relationships. People tal…
Over the past few days, in my spirit, all I can hear is "Silence". There is something I want to say and do and God tells me, "Silence".
(sigh, pout, sigh)
Its so arrogant of me to think I can handle it (and everything). Remembering that God can see the outcome, is important but I feel like I need to speak up, say something, defend me, etc, etc.
This is a lesson to be learned. I believe that if we're capable of doing something, let us do it. I'm not a lazy believer BUT I need to be an obedient one. I believe the proverbial crap is about to hit the fan for someone and I guess I wanted to be the one throwing the crap. Yeah, awful but whatever. I do admit my flaws and I swear God's timing is off. (gigglin') He moves so slowwwwwwwwwly. :)
Anyway....if its silence he wants, its silence he gets.