Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Integrity

in⋅teg⋅ri⋅ty
–noun
1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.




This is something I'll never comprise again. NEVER.

Flashback....2008

This has been an interesting year.

The beginning of 2008 was all about the "Next Phase". I turned 40 and I'm emotionally sound and I've never been better in terms of my faith. So what did the Next Phase bring?

CWUW blossoming. In 2008, busted my ass to get the organizational structure of CWUW sound. I'm still not where I want to be but we are good. I've been able to recruit some awesome women to be a part of the org. I think I'm most proud of me completely the 501c3 application. The application itself use to be more simple. They have changed ALOT. It made me think strategically about CWUW and our programs. That was hardwork. I thought about folks hiring attorneys to complete that app and paying hundreds of dollars. I did good!.

Of course Life Jam was a wonderful success for CWUW. It was a learning experience. I'm no concert promoter and I don't want to be BUT we were able to put together a show with a cool vibe and get the word out about CWUW. I'm pleased.


The kid. My daughter continues to be the laziest chick on the planet. She is always late....for everything but damn it, if that's all I can complain about......I'm good. I know I have blogged heavily about the Kid but she is so awesome. I love her so much and I've done a good ass job...ha! Syd has gone through the valley with me and came out of it smelling like roses. She is grounded and has common sense about life. She knows who she is. This doesn't mean I don't have to go at her like a momma will but she's a great young woman.


New gig. Moved from being a grants writing back to program management. Girls Inc is very technology friendly. I'm very pleased with the training I've been receiving. You don't find too many nonprofits who make use of technology as they do. Heading to a Webinar training next week. :) I'm happy with move...thus far.


The Back. Because of stress, my back decided to do its own thing in 2008. I had back spasms so severe that I would be laid out of the floor, unable to move and no one to call to help. HORRIBLE. I stopped doing any major working out. Began Yoga that has helped but because of the lack of cardio, I've gained 20lbs this year. YIKES!!!

Friendships. This has been an interesting year for friendships. I don't know what to really say. Its bee up and down. Its been me going....wha? I've said it many times. I take the word "friend" seriously. If I use it I mean it. 2008 has made me realize how much I love my friends. They are special.


I'll add more later......but 2008 was good. There were some hits but I'll recover and move on in 2009.

No more cake please....

One of the major things about being an adult is knowing when to say yes and no. We think because we're adults its suppose to be so very easy to just push things aside that we want. Its difficult. I'm pushing away from the table today. All my favs are there but I can't partake any longer. I love the desserts especially. I do have a sweet tooth but I've learned to say.....no more....but thanks.

Desire is a strong thing. I think it can lead to love, pleasure, joy, and happiness. It can also lead to pain if its misguided. A desire is a longing for, a wish, or even strong intention. Its a STRONG emotion. Why would anyone want to overcome this thing called "Desire"? I DON'T but as I stated before, sometimes it needs to be put on the back burner for more important things. That sucks, huh? Its real.

I really like any ice cream with toffee ESPECIALLY coffee. If I see some toffee ice cream, its very hard for me to walk pass but I've learned to walk away. Can't have it all the time. The desire never really leaves you. I still LOVE toffee ice cream but I know, I can't have it.


Sometimes I think whatever you're longing for is a little of what you need at times. Personally, I don't think anyone can MAKE you desire something. Its in your heart. I have a sweet tooth. Its there but today I have to push way from the table. I have to say NOPE to my desires until its a better situation for me.

no more cake.

Friday, December 26, 2008

God....Again

What a week!

I complete the application for the org. I was feeling my oats (as my mom would say). I was smiling and crying and proud. Then its like the weirdest stuff started happening.

We had the darkness over us but not in a negative way...if that makes any sense. Me, Syd and some family members felt really heavy this season. It was hard. I was pissed that I couldn't just enjoy the season. We were all cryin' and stuff. I'm watching the Wiz and there goes Diana singing Home and there I go....CRYING. My car...you know the Caddy, was doing some funky stuff too. I'm like....Wha?

We get through the Christmas day and then the Kid had a horrible evening with someone stealing her purse. I wasn't shook but I was tired. It was all annoying. I'm like...ugh...but the day was filled with God speaking to me.

I received a long message from a woman on myspace who read my entire blog and was inspired. I was like...Whoa. It was a wonderful message and a blessing. It reminded me why I continue to do this. It made me smile and I was able to offer some encouragement to her. Then the Kid came and gave me the biggest hug. She let me know how lucky she felt to have a mom she can talk with and come to about anything. I smiled. Then I received another message but this time on facebook from someone who I've never spoken with....really. It was as if he was prophesing, something I've become a little leery of at times. It really was amazing.

God is letting me know I'm good and he is with me. I'm not depressed any of that BUT its tiresome to always be in problem solving mode. When I want to unplug...I really unplug. (not good. keep me chubby...lol)

The journey continues....this Christmas was an interesting one.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Spiritual Encounters

I believe God is closer than we make him. So many think he's in another place or only peeks in at various times. He is ever present. He knows and sees everything we do. He knows our motives. He knows our hearts.

That's a little spooky, huh? We think we are just here and we will deal with God and his judgment later but have every expectation that his love is in the NOW. Now God's damnation is later. As we live, we have the opportunity to grow and learn and ask for forgiveness but we do reap what we sow. God's laws are universal and work all the time. Plant your seeds wisely. Your deeds are your seeds.

But what is so wonderful about God is his mercy for us. His measure of mercy does vary from person to person because our journeys are different. This does cause some folks strife. They want to know why one person can get off for murder and someone else gets life. God finds a way for us to still fulfill his plan even when we mess up. We're also given a measure of forgiveness based on how we forgive. REMEMBER this.

HARBORING UN-FORGIVENESS IS DANGEROUS

• Unforgiveness is a malignant cancer in our spirit. If you do not forgive, that little piece of unforgiveness will metastasize and spread to other relationships and attitudes ultimately rendering you a HARD, BITTER individual. You see, to cherish hurt, to sustain unforgiveness invites a spirit of unforgiveness into our lives. Like all demonic forces it seeks to gain supreme control over you. The unforgiving person is ultimately POSSESSED by a bitter, unforgiving spirit and it colors their whole lives.

• We can't be forgiven by God until we forgive others. That's the message of the parable. That's the message of Mt. 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

http://www.cornerstoneumconline.com/sermons/1999/99-09-12.htm


So we must think about how we deal with others, how we treat others and how we think about and relate to God. He is watching.

I was so very quiet last night. I woke up with an inner voice speaking so loudly and softly reminding I'm so loved and that I'm being watched and I will be rewarded in time. I don't know if you believe that God speaks but I do. That voice is what I follow and believe in. My heart is troubled when I KNOW I'm being disobedient to what God wants for me. We all need to heed to those spooky, spiritual encounters. The inner man many times is the truth within.

I want everyone to feel the love of God. I want everyone to know there is a spiritual realm so very active and alive. This is the side of Christianity that bothers me. The faith doesn't do enough to talk about the LIVING GOD and his Kingdom that is active and working. We have been given the power to actively participate in this kingdom now. The Mystics believe this. Even the Essenes believed in a more spiritual relationship with Yeshua the Christ.

God is Alive. He is Real. He wants you to come alive in Him. He wants you to learn and grow in the universal laws he's established. He wants us to STOP thinking about our needs and let him do that. He wants us to care for his people and his earth. Embrace the spooky. Embrace God's voice. He's always talking, if you would just be quiet. Rid yourself of SELFISHNESS, the curse of this generation. How many have given to people we don't like OR that giving to them has no return in anyway (I mean it does spiritually but...still)? Selfishness and Fear - Two things that kill the spirit and many dreams.

God is Love.

He loves you.

I love you.

I'm your servant.

As Jesus washed the feet of the disciples, I grab my water and lovingly wash the feet of my enemies and God's people.


Have a wonderful New Year!

Merry Christmas

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

This holiday is still a struggle but we are making the best.


I truly hope we remember that this maybe a rough Christmas for so many families out of work during this season. Pray for them and remember them on this day.

Peace and Love!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mind Me

You notice me and don't look my way.
You play coy
You play games
I walk pass
moving the pawn
as I continue the round about
stirring you
moving you
quietly
never need to say
another word

I'm still in.


(this is sorta weak...I'll fix it)

Following Clevawords

This blog is a way of expressing my inner workings. I've blogged for about 3-4 years now. I've been blessed for the notes and messages I've received that my journey has helped others deal. If you're reading my blog to be nosy, you're in the wrong spirit.

I'm not going to make any revelations about anyone specific EVER that would cause harm! I do love the guessing. :/

As life changes so drastically next year, I'm sure my blogs both here and on myspace will reflect this journey.

I'm glad God has helped me to understand the importance of being transparent without being inappropriate.

bloggin' bloggin' bloggin'

Acomplishment




For the past 6 months, I put off writing the application for CWUWs 501c3. I tried to hire someone and that always failed. I knew it was meant for me to write it.

Today, when I started writing the check, I actually started crying and my hands started shaking. I sat there and just said, "It is done." It's taken me literally 8 years just to get to this point. I've had to go through ALOT to get here. Believe me, there were many distractions but made it. I pushed through my own self doubt and just believed that this is about God and not me (as I've always believed).

It was a moment of knowing I've been wholeheartedly working on the journey and willing taking the hits. Unfortunately, I've had to learn this year that I have to guard my spirit. This aches me but I know what needs to be done. As CWUW grows, more vampires, parasites, manipulators, etc will be ready to pounce and destroy either me or CWUW. When my cousin told me that I wasn't healed from the Valley completely, that really through me. I felt solid this year but I think she's right. I'm still the wounded fighter just willing to take the hit just so I won't fall but God wants me to know I can go and heal and comeback as a new champion.

Today is a good day. Today has provided me with such revelation. My spirit is so connected with God who got me here. I know he believed in me...again. I mean, folks get PAID for completing those apps for organizations so I'm proud. I can rest for a moment. We have some curriculum to develop for 2009, an event to plan (maybe), and volunteers to train. God is letting me know not everyone can go on the journey, some aren't equipped for whatever reason. Some have taken the connection and abused it and some are right with me. I value those that have treated me well and believe in me. I will no longer allow the slightest disrespect to me personally. I've allowed it...for some reason. I've played "NICE" this year. NOPE. No more.

I will not become a "Bitch" because its not me but I will be quite assertive in addressing the BS when it comes instead of letting people think I can't see it but that I've just accepted it. We all reap what is sown....including me. There are some seeds i was trying to plant in various people, situations, etc and they fell on dead ground and not always by my doing. I will watch my steps.

I am a beautiful person. :) I am human. I have feelings. I am real.

I'm pleased.

Very pleased with me.

Daughter Daughter

the sweet smile
on your face
is like the dawn
the breath
and life of a new day
you are love
you are the wings of a eagle
you are the Heart of God
your eternal light is powerful
making any demon
flee his perch
you are my greatest creation
my finest work
I give you to the world
beautiful
whole
and loved
I now watch you move from
girl
to
Woman
and I know
you will be fine

like a bird

Lasting through the rain
birds find shelter
and food
The storm will cease
and they know
so they rest
to fly again
another day

changin' jerseys

3 strikes and you're out!

nah nah nah
nah nah nah nah
hey hey hey
good-bye

(giggle)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The beat down

First let me say that I LOVE my cousin. She really is my sister. We have the same vibe and we are each others love as we move through life both being motherless children.

I've been able to really reconnect with her in the past few months. She's been living in NYC for 20 years and doesn't make it back home too often. She is my voice and my mirror. I can depend on her to say just want I NEED to hear with no fluff (cuz i hate that).

I got the beat down. This goes along with the Baby I'm a star blog. She keeps reminding me that I'm still healing from the crap of the past and stop thinking I'm so incredibly there just yet. I still have work to do and at the same time, letting me know that I'm FLY.

I say that all the time but like anyone....some days I don't feel it. The 20lbs weight this year is reeking havoc on my mental thing. HAVOC......and because of it, I've made some dumb decsions and I've allowed some to think they have some sorta control...even if its a little bit. No...ya don't.

I needed to hear it and feel it. She kicked me and loved on me at the same time. That's a REAL friend/sister/cousin.

Thanks!

not editing my blogs....it says what it says....

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Headache

I woke up with a bad headache.

Didn't get much sleep.

Cell phone died. The insurance folks didn't have a comparable phone so I had to get a new one.

Bills, Bills, Bills....

I'm singing that tune a lot lately.

Taking time to manage the household, Syd and our future.

I woke up with a bad headache

My back is better. I've done the right things to heal myself

but I've gained 20lbs.

Need to adjust my thinking about it again.

Finding it very hard to take the positivity being given to me
this week.

Had a person tell me, "You're going to be so successful"

okayyyyy :/

I'll adjust.

I woke up with a bad headache.

Making some hard decisions and trusting God in the decision.

Foolishly I stayed too long. Foolishly I allowed but be made a fool of.....

Lesson learned.

Peace.

I woke up with a bad headache.

2009 is going to be challenging.

Day job

CWUW

College for the kid

I'm tired before the year has even begun

but I'm up of it all.

I know I can do it.


time for rest.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Proverbial Open Door

Have you heard the saying, "When one door closes, another one opens"?

Really?

Or do we hope that what happens?

What if the door has been opened and you've closed it yourself or you keep walking by it as if to say you don't need that door, so you'll take the next one.

Does another one really open?

I've said it myself and I 've used it to keep myself from thinking an opportunity has gotten away but I wonder if we need to learn a lesson, why would God open another door? hmmmm.....

God presents an opportunity....you look at it and ignore it OR you don't think you need it....or should respond to it.

You leave it alone.

God presents the same opportunity again......same thing....

at what point does God say...ok...door is closed?

Its like the guy drowning and God sends the plane, the boat, etc.

Does God keep sending the planes and boats?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Baby I'mma Star??

I think this is deja vu. I think I didn't a blog by the same title which only means I didn't mean it the first go around. Today, my cousin smacked me in the face. She basically let me have it but with love. I think it clicked when she called me a Star and not just any Star a BIG Star. I sorta laughed but I knew what she was saying. It wasn't just some sisterly hype but she was telling me that I need to think bigger. She was saying that I need to kill some of the humility and know that God has Big things for me. She was reminding that others can see it and want it and will suck me dry if I allowed them. (hmmmm...did a blog about vampires)

I guess I needed it. I guess I think of myself as regular ole Rhonda and I'm not that, I guess. I know a friend was telling about "the dude". I swear everyone on the planet feels I need to be with someone. (shrug) The friend had this very specific type of dude, confidient, driven, mover/shaker type. mmmm'ok. (shrug) I guess I first need to believe the hype. I have to come out of my shell (really didn't know I was in one) and believe I am a STAR.

Now, I believe I have my thing.....my purpose and I'm driven towards it. I think we all do but some aren't as driven or get lost in other nonsense or just sit idle but we all have a purpose so why should I feel special. ahhhhhhhhhh....maybe that's what cuz was talking about. Maybe I'm special? That's weird. LOL....I'm just Rhonda.

I don't know. I need to walk through this some more. I'm definitely going to really start taking a hard look at my cypher, sphere.....my world of people. Some just have to go.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Blog.

I went back and I've read my blogs (here and on myspace) and what a journey. I'm still complaining about stuff. I'm still a little too judgmental about a few things but I can see my growth. I don't think through what I write, its all from the gut. Its all from the moment. I appreciate all the comments I do receive (mostly in private) and I make no apology for anything I've written. Its all about me. Its about my journey and where I am at the moment. I could be full of it. I could be on some bogus rhetoric. I could be hurt. I could be misguided. With all of that said, its all me and its all honest.

Its clear that I'm on some lunacy some days. I look back and laugh. I find it even more humorous that some still think certain blogs are about them. (Arrognance..ha). This has been a joyous adventure. I don't mind being transparent on certain topics. Its all good. This has been the best therapy and I'll continue forward.

__________________

I read my recent ramblings and giggle. That was someone who was on the computer for close to 7 hours exploding. I'm better now. YIKES!!

__________________

Countdown - The Kid will be 18 very soon!!!

YAY!!! I love her. I think she is the one person I know who loves me wholeheartedly. She is a blessing.

____________________

more to come!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Rhonda has some shit to say......ramble on!

I'm not going through and editing anything.....I'm writing tired and sleepy but its all from the heart. I'm going to let all the typos, misspellings, verb tense issues...let it all be. This the vibe. Deal.


I'm here thinking about me. I'm thinking about work, the day gig. I can see why I'm there as far as career and how it will help with CWUW. They are very technology based. They take advantage of all new uses for communicating with others across the country. They will help me to also step up my training game, making sure I'm thorough and effective. As much as I'm ready to quit any day gig, I know I need this gig.

But there are times of my "focus" keeps me isolated and makes me appear stand-offish. My day gig is secondary to CWUW. If I have stuff to do with CWUW, it gets done first without apology. Is that wrong? Probably. Its my attitude on the job. I'm nice to folks. I chat with folks but I'm also not bothered with stuff as well. My every moment is for God's mission but I wonder if I'm annoying to be around...lol. My world is: The Kid, CWUW, the gig and some music on occasion. I wonder if that's it.

I'm having an introspective moment tonight.

......

There's a lesson I've learned some time ago about watching the people you hang with (and I think God is monitoring this for me) and the lesson is this, people who don't have shit going around you will make you lazy. I know if there is anyone that comes into my world and they are just bouncing through life with no focus, living day to day, and really don't know what they want, they are removed. I don't even have to do it. God just keeps them away. I do need to work on not being so judgmental. I know I am. Sucks.

I've never dated a man that wasn't driven or focused...NEVER. Weird. Any friend that seems to be lost in their way.....separate from me. Maybe it says I'm easily distracted but I think that we have to surround ourselves with the type of people we aspire to be. It keeps us growing. America has been dumbed down so much that its annoying. I think its nice to be culturally aware to be relevant but so what. Trivia is good for Trivial pursuit. I try to be well rounded - little politics, arts, business, etc. but knowledge is useless if isn't being used. How do you edify your world by just hording knowledge? If I know something, I'm using it to edify my neighbor. We are here for others and not for ourselves. So I'm sure God is keeping me with like minded folks. He is keeping me away from floaters which is different from being a Free Spirit.

I think there are people who are floaters that think they are Free Spirits. Free Spirit is a nonconformist. Soooooooooooo many people think that's who they are but conform all over the place. Floaters say they are Free Spirits because they can't get their shit together or have no clue. Free spirits are actually focused in their desire to be, well, Free. Its purposed. Their nonconformity has been thought through. They know why they aren't conforming. They understand they rules of the game and why they don't want to play. Floaters really don't understand. They are just lost and find the easy way out. Its annoying. LOL....and yes, I'm judgmental and I've spoken with God about it. But he knows enough to keep floaters away. Interesting.....

My next beef.....

DISHONESTY -

It troubles my soul when I'm being untrue to myself. There are definite situations lately where I've not been Honest with myself. That's bull. I really try to be honest about me and whatever situation is going around me. I think I play with fire to much. Its fun and exciting but getting burned is a part of the game. I'm starting to burn. I need to be honest with myself. I guess I am now. :)


Friendship

I've always been VERY selective about who I call Friend. I wasn't that child who that everyone was my friend. I don't befriend others friends and this has had folks pissed at me. I take it very serious. If I call you a friend, I mean that shit. Friendship to me means that I'm in your corner. I'll be true to you and value you. I'll respect you. I'll never be embarrassed to call you my friend. I know people. I hang out with people but that doesn't mean they are my FRIEND. They are cool. So when I person identifies me as their friend...I do expect the same treatment but basically, folks don't know really what a friend is. Its all bullshit. Don't call me a friend if you don't mean that shit. Plan and simple.


Tonight, I'm going to ask God to provide me with compassion. I'm going to ask for forgiveness. I'm going to pray for my friends AND my enemies. I'm going to keep pushing through all of this alone. A person I know keeps telling me I need a dude but I think God is waiting for the right time. 2009 will the busiest year of my life. In the first 6 months I'll be travelling for the day gig, CWUW will have its tax determination, the kid will be graduating and there will be two CWUW major events. Where would the dude fit in? Just for sex? God has to prepare a special dude for me I think. Not saying I'm better than anyone but I do know that I'm a special needs child of God (ahahahaha). I'm a very strong woman. I don't breakdown over things. A friend told me that I needed to be more emotional in times of crisis because thats what men respond to. Yeah...ok. :/ If I'm crying over somthing, I've jumped. If I'm asking for help or advice, that's me on the ledge. The dude will know to offer the hug, the advice, the compasssion, etc. and not give me the "You'll be alright. You're strong' bullshit speech. Every man I've known in my LIFE...even my mom has done that to me. My strength can be a damn curse. There's two people that jump in and they know when I'm overwhelmed before I even say it and that's the Kid and my friend Yo in NYC. I'm believing "the dude" will as well. I'm not emotional like that. I'm not going to crumble. I think its so lame that I have to cry before someone will through the line. So you have to drown before you actually get saved....whatever.

So this "dude", whomever it maybe...will be solid. I'm not going out hunting him down. Hell maybe I know him already. I don't know. I just know that I'm fucking awesome and I'm a blessing. (lol@me)

ok....my rambling is going to get me in trouble if I keep writing.

good night.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Faith

Faith and Obedience

Sometimes its not even Fear but YOU that hinders progression. God sits back and watches us get in the way of our own blessings all the time. We blame others, situations and we even blame Fear. All are great scapegoats. Its simple. Its us.

I know for me, the moment I stop listening to God, all hell breaks loose in my life. Sometimes God wants to guide me in the simplest tasks and I want to get in the way. "I got this God! Move!" God will say, ok, go for it. Failure comes quickly afterwards. I've delayed so many things in life from disobedience. I stayed in relationships and on jobs too long because I thought I knew better. I remember telling God how much I lovveeeedddeed my ex and God saying, "so". He kept saying, he's not the one even though he looked like it. God was simply whispering to me to move on because he had something bigger and better for me and my future. I paid dearly. I had to admit it was me. Humility will always help to move you back towards obedience.

Obedience is so difficult in the face of our desires but God has a way to make it all work out. We have to walk in faith at all times. We have to be obedient even when it looks NUTS. We have to stay humble knowing that all good things come from above. We have to give, give, and give some more. Get out of ourselves and go help someone else. Service is a wonderful thing.

We can know we are talented. I know I'm skilled in certain things but I know I can't do anything with my talents without guidance from God.

I also can not fear success. I've had two people tell me the same vision about CWUW. That was some freaky stuff. I was told at different times and it was so weird. After they told me what they saw, they both said they are glad its not them. The vision was too big. I was like.."huh"? The fear of success is great. The fear of great responsibility is great. I know I'm a success and I'm a struggling single mother. My current circumstances have nothing to do with what God has for me in the future. I can't look at my bank account and base my success on that. What report does God have for me?

I pray for all of my friends and family members working through their visions. Stay faithful. God hears you.

My favorite Psalms is Psalms 34 (with some of my favorite verses highlighted):

When you're troubled, study David. He was a hot mess but always worshipped the Lord.

1 I WILL bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My life makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble and afflicted hear and be glad.
3 O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
4 I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant; their faces shall never blush for shame or be confused.
6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him [who revere and worship Him with awe] and each of them He delivers.
8 O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.
9 O fear the Lord, you His saints [revere and worship Him]! For there is no want to those who truly revere and worship Him with godly fear.
10 The young lions lack food and suffer hunger, but they who seek (inquire of and require) the Lord [by right of their need and on the authority of His Word], none of them shall lack any beneficial thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you to revere and worshipfully fear the Lord.
12 What man is he who desires life and longs for many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good; seek, inquire for, and crave peace and pursue (go after) it!
15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the [uncompromisingly] righteous and His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles.
18 The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.
19 Many evils confront the [consistently] righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall cause the death of the wicked; and they who hate the just and righteous shall be held guilty and shall be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the lives of His servants, and none of those who take refuge and trust in Him shall be condemned or held guilty.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Ugh......networking

As I'm developing CWUW, I'm learning that its been mostly men that have been helpful in my journey. Most of the females who have helped were my friends. This is surprising and disappointing. I'm trying not to question the motivation of some of the men to help but its apparent.

Basically, I just want to do my thing, help others do their thing when I can and receive the appropriate help. This side bar thing is really nuts. As much as I hate networking, I understand it as a skill. Folks like to stay within their sphere of friends and call that 'networking'. I think you also have folks who don't take advantage of opportunities when presented but I'm sure complain that opportunities are limited. Now, I'm not perfect. Sometimes my introverted personality will have me stay home when I should go out and support others projects and network. All of that is very draining for me. Thanksgiving alone had me in the house for a day just to unplug. I had to stop going out to shows because it was draining. This is real but no excuse. I have to do better in supporting others in person.

So if we have the opportunity to change Indy no matter the industry, we all need to pay it forward, respond, support, and get rid of fear. Fear is the biggest problem with folks. Some will only go so far because of it.

We have to watch ourselves. My sistas have to do better.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

God

My daily drive is to serve you
you are mighty
you are my first Love
Everyday I see your presence
and I long to see your Face,
to be touched by your hand and
to sing your praises

I'm sadden by those who are too
embarrassed admit you exist
They are missing a powerful
love no man or woman can provide
Your vision is my vision
Your plan is my plan
I'm here to love you
and to serve my brothers and sisters
with all of my might

There are days I may fail
There are days I retreat to my inner being
not wanting anyone to come in
and you comfort me
Thank you for choosing me

Gratitude

So I'm driving home and the roads were icy. I pass over the bridge heading not far from my home and my car begins to spin.

I'm thankful no cars were coming from the opposite direction. I gain control of the car and get back into the lane and BAM, I'm hit hard from behind.

I'm shook.

I get out and look at the car. Some paint off the bumper and no other visible damage. The other chick was fine as well.

Called the insurance company and took care of all of that but still had to wait 2 hours for the police. They were cool but a little irritated they were called because no one was hurt and there was no huge damage.

There was a moment of me not wanting to take care of this. I'm like....DAMN. I just didn't want to be an adult.

But this morning, I woke up still shaken a bit by this accident. I couldn't understand why but God does provide some revelation. Me and Syd still have this anxiety about something happening to the other. She just told me that she "NEEDS" me to live until I'm 90 because I'm all she has. That weighs on me a lot. I can't afford to be in any accidents if that makes any sense. I know if I was even slightly hurt, the kid would have lost her little mind.

Its an unhealthy stress I've put on myself but I need to acknowledge its there. I'm thankful that I'm not hurt. I'm thankful the car is basically fine. I'm thankful God was very present last night. He knows we are still grieving from multiple deaths in the family and he knows we are better than we use to be. I am thankful I have the love of my child and I do pray she releases her fear of losing me. I need to let go of trying to control every thing so that nothing will happen to me for her sake.

So, revelation is a good thing. Gratitude for the smallest of things sometimes takes you the farthest.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

My own type of affirmation.

Yesterday - bought me a pencil skirt, fishnet hose.....

Last week - bought me another scale and I've only gotten on it once

Today - I plan to be fly...as usual.


All this to say, there is a return to the confidence had when I was in my twenties...

No, my body isn't as fly as I would like but as India isn't her hair, I'm not my body.

I'm still curvy. I still can pull it together.

I am one of God's greatest creations.

I's be fly.

The R.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

nasty me


Dippin' into your fantasy
nasty as I wanna be
lick you there kiss you here
pull me close, pull me near
close your eyes
and you will see
the other side, naughty me
Pretend as you will
late at night
I'm your thrill
Cleverly I am to thee
your chocolate
sexy fantasy

Monday, November 24, 2008

limited words

What more can be said but this
as I move, you are moved
as I speak, you are touched
as I breathe, you live
There are days when words are limited
too simple to manifest truth
What more can be said but this
I am the real thing
prayed for
hoped for
you make me sing songs
45s spin
I dance
even alone, you dance with me
No need to say no more than this
we never have to be
to exist

The Magic of Music....

I was in the mood tonight of really listening to some music. From the trippy music of Massive Attack and Enigma to some Stevie Wonder and the Isley Brothers. The music has carried me through a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. I'm moved. I'm driven.

You know that a person has you in their grasp just when they start the first lyric. Marsha from Floetry, Howard Hewett, Maxwell....Stevie again. Wow. Tamia's "Stranger in My House" still can bring me to tears as if that song was written for me.

Then move to The Ramones even... there's the little punk girl in me dying to get out and just RELEASE...Rhonda is a Punk Rocker. :)

I'm so drawn to expressive people. I'm allowed to escape or to discover me in a verse, a hook, or in the simplicity of a piano with just a voice flowing along.

Its so magical to listen to a lyric that expresses that moment....its spiritual. Its meant to be.

I'm truly rediscovering my love for music again after a decade of having to let it go so I take care of others. I missed it. I can't get enough.

So let the music play and let it satisfy your soul, touch your heart, and take you into your dreams.

I closed my eyes and listened to "Footsteps in the Dark".....lawd. I was taken away. I embraced every image that came to mind.

Looking down dark corridors and wonders what might have been, something's up ahead, should I keep this same direction, or go back instead.....

goodness!

see...I listen to more than Prince. :)



Black Orchid lyrics - Stevie Wonder

A flake of snow within a storm
A new way waiting to be born
In a world with need of change
A touch of love in fear of hate
A rushing wind that's asked to wait
For the promises of rain
A pearl of wisdom entrapped by poverty

She gives love with purity
Filling minds with hopeful schemes
To build worlds enhanced by peace
Draped in sparkling morning dew
She expresses life anew
From the earth beneath her feet
She is a flower that grows
In love ability
She's femininity

Black Orchid, Black Orchid
Why did they make you begin
When they know in time you'll find your truth
before your cycle ends
Black Orchid, Black Orchid
Why are you crying their fears
When the true reflection of you that they see
Is love besieged by years

She has touched the farthest star
Her beauty speaks of what we are
And her freedom makes us free
Her now is in eternity
Infinite to all that see
And her dreams have been achieved
Now there is a sound of laughter
Nature signs out her name
For the world to know her fame

Black Orchid, Black Orchid
Why did they criticize
When they knew your love could cast its spell and
consecrate their eyes
Black Orchid, Black Orchid
Why do you linger in space
When you know in every heart that beats
You hold a special place
When you know in every heart that beats
You hold a special place

Sunday, November 23, 2008

N.W.A

What happen to storytelling in Hip Hop?



some bootleg video but the song paints the picture

My love/hate issues with the return of Britney Spears




Ok. I know some folks are gonna say - who cares right? Well, I do actually. Britney Spears was played in my household when my daughter was a tween and I did pay attention to the demise of Britney. My concern started when she was pregnant with the second child and was conducting an interview with Matt Laurer. I remember having a long convo on prince.org about this interview. The Org was as cruel as usual. They sliced her up from her hair to her clothes to her chipped fingernail polished. Britney looked a hot mess but I kept trying to point out the look in her eyes. Something was wrong. This was more than Britney making bad life decisions. This child was lost.

Britney has the baby and then we see her lose her mind. She starts hanging with Paris, she stops wearing underwear, she stays high, she strips, she cuts her hair, etc. etc. etc. She forgets she's a mother.

What happen? (shrug) I don't know the girl but there was a part of me that understood. I understood her having to lose it. Her life was orchestrated since she was five. Where was her teenage angst? I didn't have my "teenage angst" until I was like 26. I was the good girl no longer wanting to be held to that standard. When I saw the maddness of Britney, I sorta understood it but I knew she needed to stop the maddness as I did. She was a mother and you have to get your shit together for them. Young mothers don't get to be foolish. We are handle to the same standards as if you are older and seemingly more mature. Brit needed to stop it.

So it seems she got help. Her dad stepped in and now we have Britney back. Do we want her back performing? I wanted her back to be a good mother to the babies NOT to make appearances on MTV, to be given undue awards and make a docu -bull -mentary about her life. Huh? Didn't her downfall make her stop and say, "I still need time away to get with my kids."

Guess not. MTV has the red carpet out for her and others like Paris. If my daughter makes a mistake, I do want her to know she can get back on her feet but it needs to be in all humility. She needs to acknowledge the crap she was in and be changed. America rewards bad behavior way too much. I'm tired of America loving these idiot starlets. It needs to stop. These young women do not need to be celebrated nor admired. Our children believe that their behaviors, no matter good or bad, needs to be admired. I've witnessed kids doing the worse behavior still expecting to be patted on their backs for doing nothing.

Britney doesn't deserve the spot she's been given recently. She needs to be forced to fight her way back. And even though she is completely naked in her new video, (rollin' eyes), I do hope she's learned something.

Friday, November 21, 2008

erasure

My days go by without a thought
of u and I
as I push u out of my mind
daily
I move to reality, letting fantasy
have its way with fairy tales, moonbeams, and unicorns
away from me
but when my tried body finds rest
U appear
Unable to turn away, to dream a different dream
I face YOU
facing the fact that you have captured
a space in my mind
every time I close my eyes
you appear
holding me, making me laugh
and being
you
a new day dawns
and I open my eyes and return
to moving away from fantasy
erasure

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

ABFAB

This is a show I even got my mom hooked on.

I love Eddie and Patsy!

Monday, November 17, 2008

convo at starbucks

Convo at Starbucks.....
Met a friend at Starbucks for a chat about developing a program. He's interested in "doing something with youth". I have no idea when I became the expert at program development but I think I need to start a consulting firm but anyway. The convo was interesting. There was a frustration coming from him about complacency in community involvement, frustration in religion and also with dating. Too funny. I feel him. Starting with dating. I was sitting at Life Jam and a new friend says, "I just don't understand why you're single." grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I just smiled and said, "Yeah, me either." Singlehood isn't a curse but you would think I had coodies. Why am I single? Don't know. I'm tired of the question so much so that I would date just so I don't have to hear it again. ha! I've really tried not to be one of those chicks that think men are intimidated by me. I think that's a lame ascertion but I have seen it occur. (sigh) So this conversation was interesting to hear a man's point of view. Very similar frustations.

Religion. I am a Christian that thinks today's practice of Christianity sucks. I think you have followers that can't read the bible for themselves, who don't challenge their leaders and who have a slave mentality. They use God as a slot machine. They are lazy. They have NO real concept of who Jesus was and what he really taught. Jesus' actions alone could teach anyone how to live. I really believe the foreclosure situation has a direct correlation with the proserity teachings of the church. We forget that Jesus washed the feet of his disciples and yet, were are the servants in our community. We think there's going to be some super Anti-Christ that going to swoop in and try to destroy the Church. Well, he is alive and well in some of the doctrine being taught in some churches. We're building mega-churches with no soup kitchens or shelters. We have churches that will only help their own members or require the needy to accept Christ first before they will feed them. Wha?

Community Involvement - Folks are energized because of Obama's win but it seems folks are wandering around trying to figure out what to do. How about just making sure your child goes to school and receives the education he/she needs to make it. How about working with the teachers instead of against them? How about going back to the basic concept of RIGHT AND WRONG? Too many parents defend their children when their children was in the wrong. How about just being friendly to your neighbors? No one has to start some major org. If we all just start talking responsibility for our own - the community gets better. I enjoyed my convo at Starbucks.

Coolness.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Freedom

Today I am free. Well, maybe I was just reminded that I'm free. I'm free to believe and hope and simply know. The country is full of hope and it feels good. I'm proud of my country but this was Barack's presidency to be won. When his grandmother died, I knew, this was is destiny. So I am free to believe and know that my destiny is fulfilled even though the journey is not over....this is called HOPE. So with Hope, I truly wish we embrace our freedom. I mean the freedom to be ourselves and be proud who we are individually and collectively.

God has made me strong (as much as I complain about it...it is what it is), insightful and discerning. This is me. I'm free to be me. This is the liberty I have in Christ, in being aware, and in being honest.

Let Hope live in each one if us. Let us be Free.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

My vote - November 4th, 2008


I took a pic of my vote to record this moment in history.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

love serve forgive

Love God and serve your brothers and sisters!


Don't harm.

Love.


love

love

love


Be forgiving

Ask for forgiveness

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Get your exorcism on!!

I was watching the show "The Real Exorcist" and it was a little like...yeah whatever but sometimes it was a little damn creepy. What I found interesting was how seemingly powerless these demons where (ok...yeah...i know....just keep reading) when approached by the "exorcist" but how bound up the possessed person was.

The interesting this is a really do believe in some of this stuff so I watched. Watching some of the people almost hold onto the demon is what I really found interesting. Do we hold onto our pain because we think we have nothing to fill in? I think so. I know some of my clients LOVED drama. It was like the sought after it but it was all they've known. They really didn't want to let go. There are so many things I want to kick out the door. Peace is a beautiful thing. Operating in crazy is just that - CRAZY!

If you notice in the bible when it speaks of peace and faith, its almost like you have to go to war to protect it. "Fight the good fight" - Those "demons" are ready to take it away at any give turn. I do believe in guarding my peace and I'm EXTREME with it. I'm all about removing people and things and situations from my world that causes me any pain or discomfort. Its a tad dramatic (as someone called me once - too funny) BUT it keeps me peaceful so whatever. I don't function in the gray too well. Either you're a peaceful, loving spirit in my world or you're not. Its really that simple. Maybe some therapy is needed - maybe. I think its a very sane approach to guarding my peace and being happy. I'm happy with removing my demons. Peace out!!! I feel God will bring people and situations back around if need be.

So get rid of your demons -get rid of those things that haunt you and keep you bound up.

Guard your peace.

and yeah....i'll be back to edit later.....:)

Vampire

you know the saying....let it go and if it comes back...blah, blah, blah

Don't you hate when you have to operate in cliches. Well here I am. Letting it go and believing that God's plan is better than mine. Believing that God will make it all work for good and that all things will be fine. So, I'm letting it go. Fly away. Have a good one. You are harmful to me in ways you don't even know because its all really about you. Sad but so true. Maybe while away, you'll learn some important lessons about not mistreating others. You can't protect yourself at the cost of others. That's lame. Its immature. Its selfish. Its sad. Its weak. Very weak. Its a punk move.

Happiness TRULY comes when we are honest with ourselves. When we can look in the mirror and be ok with who we are and not fake it, we will find peace. Unfortunately, there are some who are so selfish that they can't see their harm when it benefits them. Oh well. You will one day. You will reap your harvest. You can't beat God at his universal laws. So fly away. In your quiet moments, know that you caused harm, you were rude and unappreciative. In your quiet moments you must face that you can be extremely fake and so flawed that you think others can't see YOU. Or maybe you're scared, they do. And we do! I SAW you from the beginning even though I didn't say a word. I allowed some manipulation. I allowed you to say some bullshit because I knew you needed it. I wasn't gonna keep you away from your crack. You needed the hit.

Fly away. I've provided nothing but honesty and a geninue hand but your motives were twisted.....shhhhhhhhhhh secrets secrets secrets. All things in the dark come to the light but I'm not flippin' the switch. God will. He will make you FACE the real you. I thought I got that but I know I didn't. So sad. A powerful connection could have been had if all things were honest from the beginning. I made mistakes. You made mistakes. You are Lestat. Vampire. Smooth. Charming. Deadly to the soul. And here I am, Louis, trying to figure it all out but knowing to survive I must get away.....both guilty and innocent and torn. Louis was devoted to Lestat but was drained by his selfishness.

Fly away. Very far away. Sooooooooo far away that I want to think of you as a dream, a distant memory. If you return, it will be because God has allowed you to return to my world.

I will miss you. I really will.



No matter how long we exist, we have our memories. Points in time which time itself cannot erase. Suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of ther beauty or their splendor. Rather they remain as hard as gems.
Anne Rice, "Blood and Gold"

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

got God?

selfish

me and you but you and you and you
how do you survive with only you and you and you
what about me and her and him and they
I me my
no we, unless you want it, no they, unless you say so
you hurt, you hurt, you hurt
who hurt you
you
you
you
la la la
you
you
you


selfishness

Power of the Mirror

The power of the Mirror.

Thinking about so situations that some of my friends are in and even myself. When I person harms you, we think they just walk away never looking back. We all have to look in the mirror at some point and deal with how we mistreated or harmed another person we've said we loved, liked, cared, or admired.

God provides a time when we must harvest what we've reaped this is why revenge is unnecessary. We can't walk away from the mirror. We can THINK we are happy and ok with our ill treatment of another but we can never have peace as long think its ok to treat someone badly without apology.

There's nothing you can do if you've been wrong or treated badly but let God handle it. A wise person will wake up and make amends with his/her maker first and then, if possible, ask for forgiveness. But there are some who will never "get it" because they are focused themselves and not how they treat others. God does make all of us face the music and I know I NEVER want that to happen. I try my best to resolve issues when they occur and apologize if I feel I've wronged someone ESPECIALLY someone I've claimed is my love, my friend, etc.

Be good to one another. We all know when we've wronged someone. Sometimes we have to stop being self serving and do the right thing and simply apologize.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Happiness

My new gig is cool. I've made my return to HIV/AIDS education and prevention and gender equality. I'm happy.

I'm happy period.

There are so many things that I want to "fix" but I can't. What am I to do?

Nothing. The kid getting her to college is in the prime spot for my focus these days along with all things CWUW. We talk alot about arriving at this stage in her life and her future. I admire my kid because she has come through situations some adults wouldn't be able to handle. I can smile when I look at her. She makes me happy.

Most of my happiness is internal. Its not about things necessarily. I get very excited when I see God's plan manifest. I find incredible joy when I know that God's hand is at work. Its comforting. I've learned that people disappoint and are limited. I don't mean that in a negative way actually but its just how it is. God is limitless. I'm truly embracing HIS plan. There have been disappointments here and there, mostly in people but I'm learning to see past it. I'm learning to forgive again but I still have an arrogance about folks mistreating me. I believe anyone who messes with me needs to pray for mercy. LOL...I'm very serious. I have NO idea where it comes from but I do feel like that. I don't know if that is wrong or right. It just is.

I think my singlehood is troublesome to folks. I'm good. I feel like I need another break from the "scene" and not that I was really out there. If I get asked one more time, "Why are you single?" I'm gonna scream. I told a guy just a couple of days ago that singlehood has its benefits. He had to stop and think about it and said, "Yeah, that's true too." He quickly told me though that something must be wrong with men in Indy if I'm single. :/ WHATEVER! lol I'm ok. I'm good. My happiness can't be wrapped up in having a relationship. My validation isn't about being a part of a couple. I do believe its GREAT to be a part of team. I love that feeling of two focused folks working it out but I think women are put into a difficult position into believe that if you're single, something is wrong with you. (shrug). I'm happy and that will make getting with me easier for "the dude" whomever that will be because he wouldn't have to make me happy. Yanno.

CWUW, HIV stuff, community stuff - makes me happy. I'm a geek. I went to an STD update and was hyped on the info. I have a book on drugs, behavior and modern society and i'm hyped. I live to be the best servant leader I can be. I feel so blessed to have identified my purpose. Its the oddest thing to have a number of people waiting for CWUW to "blow up". Folks are ready to work for CWUW and get things done. Its pressure but I feel the same. CWUW has made me look at Rhonda. I've had to address my eating disorder and monitor it daily. I've had to accept that I've damaged my body but that I can be healed. I've had to accept ME at 40 and stop longing for ME at 19. She's grown up. I'm happy that I'm healed to the point where I can share my story with other women without embarrassment. God reminds me all the time that I'm blessed and beautiful. To have people think I'm 29 or 30 is too funny but a blessing.

I've made some mistakes and will make some more but I know that every good thing comes from above. God will provide all. I just want to manifest that LOVE daily.

and continue to be happy.



will edit later

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Photobucket

Leave Me Be





Maybe the timing was off just a bit
your world is in confusion
and I am here
but leave me be
Go away and live the life
you've made for you
I'm not the one
to fill the emptiness
in your soul
so leave me be
You call me Queen
beautiful
and special
actions can only touch
me ears
lacking respect for me
and the one that loves you more
Leave me be
to find someone real and true
and honest
full of integrity
not hidden behind insecurities
relationships and secrecy
Another life, you and I
maybe
but for now
leave me be



in the past months - I've just been amazed with the number of "attached" men talking to me......just go away. Go be with your chick. If its not for you, then end it but don't try to become entangled with someone else. Man up and leave or Man up and deal with the complexities of any relationship.....AND leave me be.

ya heard.

:)


nipple to the bottle - Grace Jones

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hypocrisy of the Human Condition

GUILTY as charged.

Let me say that before I start my rant.

Ok.

Now, let's go.

I've said so many times that I observe so much and sometimes say so little and I continue to be amazed that people assume they are getting away with whatever.

Doesn't it seem, though, that the very thing we complain about in others, we do ourselves. I've seen folks get up in arms about a situation or this or that. "He did this and I can't believe he did this...." or "How inconsiderate she was....I can't believe"....blah, blah, blah

and then turn around and do the same things to other people.

What is that about? I'm sure I do the same thing so this isn't some indictment of any one person but just how we all need to do a better job of paying attention to our words and deeds. "Treat people as you would like to be treated." Remember that one. And sometimes we think we're doing just that until someone points it out.

Now there are slip ups and you can forgive those but then there's the BS. Huh No! Some people play dumb so they have an excuse for being an ass and just getting out of something. LAME.

Stop it. The folks you are hurting are smart enough to notice. They feel it. Just stop. Admit to your mistakes. Be honest. Be real.

Why lie? We all are hypocrites. Humans are flawed and we have to acknowledge our flaws. Don't mistreat someone and when called on it....go...."oops". Be Real.


Bottomline....actions speak louder than words. What you do, should match what you say. If you don't want people mistreating you, don't mistreat others as well.

yanno.

mommy and the kid

Yesterday I realized that I had not seen my kid. Well sorta.....well not really. She's working, playing ball and being a teenager. I sent her a message last night telling her that I missed her. She agreed that we don't see alot of each other. We used to have dinner every payday. It was a way for us to catch up, laugh and be stupid. It was our now famous, "mommy/sydney time". I realized that in me running around for CWUW and her trying to complete her senior year, we have been missing each other.

Today was senior pics. I was running late and when I walked in they were taking pics. I just smiled. She looked so pretty. She handled the whole thing and mom could just walk in and chill.

We came home and just bugged out.

She made me smile.

I love that Kid.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Wilderness

Silence
can loudly express
all that I feel
walking through
the wilderness
no longer in the Valley
but still struggle to find
a clearance
a path
Warrior insight
keeps me moving
up
up
up
knowing I will find my way
guided by
my Spirit
but at times feeling blinded
On today
I see the world
through different
glasses
shades of blues
and yet I rise
Born to lead
born to withstand
life's pressures
regal in every moment
I am
provides my great rewards
Man is cursed for crossing me
and Blessed for loving me
I know my greatness
even through
the darkest
wilderness
always seeing the
forest for the trees
I rise

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Twisted mind
only speaking to my spirit
the little girl inside who cries
alone
looking to the heavens for comfort
knowing that I maybe be allowed to
sit in my madness to learn
some lesson
a torturous teachable moment
I feel the battle of my soul
happening as I speak
pushing and pulling
as I'm a wondrous prize
who will win?
can my mind fight off the confused
state that only comes from evil
or will I allow the light that believes in me, win
seeking out the answer in my spirit
searching for the light in the darkness
longing for the love I miss in the loving arms of family gone
positioned as mother, friend, leader
today
wanting to just be me and to be nothing, to no one
tired in my bones

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Public Health-Social Service-Community Involvement

Personally, I believe we all have a purpose. Some of people are not called to work with the public and especially with people in need. Its hard for me to switch gears and stop being an advocate even when I'm being treated at the doctors office.

Burn-out is normal for people working in public health and social work. I can tell you from personal experience in working with HIV, its a lot to deal with. Early on, we had to face death daily. You hear horrible stories of abuse, addiction, etc. It does become quite tiresome. When you've become tired, use your vacation. Take a break. Do something. Why would anyone who is already ill want to deal with someone evil in front of them? You're adding to their stresses.

I do understand being tired. There were days would I would allow my staff to close the door and chill. We'd just play music and talk. We needed to take advantage of the downtime and heal ourselves. So I can relate.

I don't care for cynicism. If you've become cynical, then its time for you to leave your field. I know I have gotten very cynical of the HIV arena in Indiana and I had to remove myself from it. It was hard for me to advocate for the women I served because I trust any of the instituations in place who were suppose to care for people who were HIV positive. I'm still fighing through that cynicism. I still care about HIV/AIDS as a vital issue but its very easy for me to become upset with the "industry". I involve myself in ways where my cynicism won't find its way back.

If you're in the business of care, remember that we are charged to be client-centered and CARING. I realize that some folks can get on ya nervous. I know that people taking advantage of the system is troublesome. I know that people will talk to you crazy. I've been called colorful names (ha!) but as the provider (expert), we must learn to adjust and handle all types. Being mean spirited to everyone who walks into your clinic, agency, hospital, etc. only adds to the stresses the client may already have to do with. We just need to check ourselves. We need our own mental health check ups and breaks.

Care for yourself first.


______________________


Lupus - Killer of Black Women

Today, I ran into a former co-worker who is battling Lupus. She is so beautiful. When I saw her, I lit up! We spoke about her battle. We spoke of how hard her journey has been. She so gratiously told me I looked great and God bless her for that cuz this sista has gained 15lbs this year. Believe me, I smiled. She told me her story and I was blessed for it. I'm so blessed for her re-entering my world.

It got me thinking that there isn't enough information about Lupus being disseminated. This is another killer of black women. I know....(sigh) but here's some information. I'm going to also post some stuff on the CWUW blog. This month is about breast cancer awareness and early detection is so very important for black women but there are so many issues that effect our community that its hard to just concentrate on one or two. I think Lupus needs to be put on our radar. Our women are LIVING with this illness and they need our support.

Here's some info about Lupus:
http://www.lupus.org/newsite/index.html

Lupus is an autoimmune disease that can affect various parts of the body, including the skin, joints, heart, lungs, blood, kidneys and brain. Normally the body's immune system makes proteins called antibodies, to protect the body against viruses, bacteria, and other foreign materials. These foreign materials are called antigens.

In an autoimmune disorder like lupus, the immune system cannot tell the difference between foreign substances and its own cells and tissues. The immune system then makes antibodies directed against itself. These antibodies -- called "auto-antibodies" (auto means 'self') -- cause inflammation, pain and damage in various parts of the body.

Inflammation is considered the primary feature of lupus. Inflammation, which in Latin means "set on fire," is characterized by pain, heat, redness, swelling and loss of function, either on the inside or on the outside of the body (or both).

For most people, lupus is a mild disease affecting only a few organs. For others, it may cause serious and even life-threatening problems. Although epidemiological data on lupus is limited, studies suggest that more than 16,000 Americans develop lupus each year.

The Lupus Foundation of America (LFA) estimates between 1.5 - 2 million Americans have a form of lupus, but the actual number may be higher. More than 90 percent of people with lupus are women. Symptoms and diagnosis occur most often when women are in their child-bearing years, between the ages of 15 and 45.

In the United States, lupus is more common in African Americans, Latinos, Asians, and Native Americans than in Caucasians.


Types
There are four types of lupus: discoid, systemic, drug-induced and neonatal lupus.
Discoid (cutaneous) lupus is always limited to the skin. It is identified by a rash that may appear on the face, neck, and scalp. Discoid lupus is diagnosed by examining a biopsy of the rash. In discoid lupus the biopsy will show abnormalities that are not found in skin without the rash. Discoid lupus does not generally involve the body's internal organs. Therefore, the ANA test may be negative in patients with discoid lupus. However, in a large number of patients with discoid lupus, the ANA test is positive, but at a low level or "titer."

In approximately 10 percent of patients, discoid lupus can evolve into the systemic form of the disease, which can affect almost any organ or system of the body. This cannot be predicted or prevented. Treatment of discoid lupus will not prevent its progression to the systemic form. Individuals who progress to the systemic form probably had systemic lupus at the outset, with the discoid rash as their main symptom.

Systemic lupus is usually more severe than discoid lupus, and can affect almost any organ or organ system of the body. For some people, only the skin and joints will be involved. In others, the joints, lungs, kidneys, blood, or other organs and/or tissues may be affected. Generally, no two people with systemic lupus will have identical symptoms. Systemic lupus may include periods in which few, if any, symptoms are evident ("remission") and other times when the disease becomes more active ("flare"). Most often when people mention "lupus," they are referring to the systemic form of the disease.

Drug-induced lupus occurs after the use of certain prescribed drugs. The symptoms of drug-induced lupus are similar to those of systemic lupus. The drugs most commonly connected with drug-induced lupus are hydralazine (used to treat high blood pressure or hypertension) and procainamide (used to treat irregular heart rhythms). Drug induced lupus is more common in men who are given these drugs more often. However, not everyone who takes these drugs will develop drug-induced lupus. Only about 4 percent of the people who take these drugs will develop the antibodies suggestive of lupus. Of those 4 percent, only an extremely small number will develop overt drug-induced lupus. The symptoms usually fade when the medications are discontinued.

Neonatal lupus is a rare condition acquired from the passage of maternal autoantibodies, specifically anti-Ro/SSA or anti-La/SSB, which can affect the skin, heart and blood of the fetus and newborn. It is associated with a rash that appears within the first several weeks of life and may persist for about six months before disappearing. Congenital heart block is much less common than the skin rash. Neonatal lupus is not systemic lupus.

Demographic Information on Lupus
Cases of Lupus

The Lupus Foundation of America estimates that approximate 1.5-million Americans have a form of lupus.

Although lupus can strike men and women of all ages, 90% of individuals diagnosed with the disease are women, and 80% of those afflicted with systemic lupus develop it between the ages of 15 and 45.

Approximately 70% of lupus cases are systemic. In about 50% of these cases, a major organ will be affected.

Discoid lupus (affecting only the skin) accounts for approximately 10% of all cases.
In approximately 10% of all lupus cases, individuals will have symptoms and signs of more than one connective tissue disease, including lupus. A physician may use the term "overlap syndrome" or "mixed connective tissue disease" to describe the illness.

20% of people with lupus will have a parent or sibling who already has lupus or may develop lupus.

Only about 5% of the children born to individuals with lupus will develop the illness.
Lupus is two to three times more prevalent among people of color, including African Americans, Hispanics/Latinos, Asians, and Native Americans.

It is difficult to determine the annual number of new lupus cases, or the number of individuals who die from health complications of the disease. However, due to improved diagnosis and disease management, most people with the disease will go on to live a normal life span.

Pissin' around your partner

Ok, I heard this dude say this the other day tell his girl, "Stop pissin' around me!" She said, "Oh shut up!" Man, I cracked up. Me and my ex use to yell at each other all the time those exact words.

What does that really mean? You're in a relationship. You dig the person. Why is it a negative thing to show some PDAs all of a sudden?

Cause its all of a sudden AND it reeksssssssssss of marking your territory. I would always laugh it off when the ex would say that to me. He would do the same thing when some brother was staring too hard or whatever. It was was never deep but annoying. I would yell, "Stop touching me!!" and he would laugh cuz he knew I was calling him out on "pissin' around me".

Of course, there are times when you are proud of the person you're with but its all about motives. You know when you're just trying to make a point - 'BACK THE F**K UP!!" LOL

Stop pissin'


Just a little funny observation. Good to know me and the ex weren't the only weirdos that would do that with each other. ha!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Wake up Call....

Tuesday October 14, 2008

Reminder:

Rhonda, your strength is your discernment, judging motive and intent, judging good and evil.

Use it. Don't be guided by those blinded in their own misgivings.

You are strong. You are smart. Don't reduce yourself to make others feel comfortable in their skin. Make them rise.

You are REAL. Your realness is admired.

Be Rhonda.

at rest

I've laid by your side and kissed your lips
I've embraced her once again, feeling her love as if she never transcended
I've moved through time to see another side of me
I've heard secrets revealed
I've seen the future
I've spoken with the Divine, I've heard his voice so clearly
as birds in the dawn
I've envisioned fanciful tales of knights and ladies
I've rebuked evil in its purest form
I've seen my child grow
I've touched the heavens and the oceans at the same time
I've smiled again, again, and again

I've dreamed.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Revenge

If I gotta learn this learn - ya'll do too! :)


READ!

How to Take Revenge

http://www.kencollins.com/disc-29.htm


Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
—Romans 12:17-21, NIV

If you have ever been horribly wronged, you have felt an overwhelming desire for revenge.

Once, when some kids in my old neighborhood slashed the tires on my car, I found myself consumed with a desire to secretly slash the tires of their cars. Once a young drug addict broke into my house after midnight and terrorized me for three hours by holding a pair of scissors to my neck while he robbed me. I felt helpless and angry, and at first I wanted to do the same thing to him. I imagined all sorts of things I would do to him to repay him for frightening me.

Another time when I was walking through my neighborhood, a dog began to attack me. The best way to avoid an attacking dog is to stand still and not move, which is what I did, so I was not harmed. But I was angry! I fantasized about taking a club or a spray can of Mace along the next time, and as I finished my walk I regretted not noting the address on the house so I could take my revenge on the dog’s owners by calling the Fairfax County Animal Control Office.

Revenge is a normal, natural fleshly emotion that we all feel from time to time, when we’ve been overwhelmed, or wronged, or overpowered, and were unable to resist or prevail.

But what shall we do in situations like that?

I wrote a story about an anthropologist from outer space named Bobo, who was mugged while walking through Washington, DC. He was outnumbered, so he made no attempt to fight back because he knew he would lose anyway, and at least this way he might cause his attackers to pull their punches. Later, when he was recuperating in the hospital, a psychologist paid him a visit. She recommended that he learn a martial art or carry a weapon so that he could defend himself.

Bobo asked the psychologist for a clarification: “If someone hits me, does this mean I can hit him back? And she said yes. Then Bobo said, “So if he hits me, I can hit him, but if I can hit him, he can hit me again, and so on without ending. That doesn’t seem to be very practical.” But the psychologist insisted that he should ‘defend’ himself. Bobo replied, “But if evil is returned for evil, then evil is propagated and therefore wins!” The psychologist, now very frustrated, protested that it was a nice attitude, but he could be killed. Bobo replied, “I would rather be known for the quality of my life than the length of my days.” The psychologist was speechless and left the room. (loved this story!!)

What is more important to you, to survive a mugging by adopting the value system of the muggers and becoming as one of them, or to die in a mugging as a Christian martyr? I didn’t say this would be an easy question, but what is more important, your limited physical life, or your eternal spiritual life? This is not an academic question. I’ve faced it head on myself. When things get tough, do you trust God, or do you take matters into your own hands? As one who has done both, I recommend trusting God. The outcome is better.

Jesus taught us that our treatment of other people is a function of our own personality and should not be based on what we think they deserve. Paul reflects that teaching here. In other words, if I am a nice person, I will be nice to everyone, not just to people who are nice to me. If I am nice only to people who are nice to me, then I possess no particular virtue, because even nasty people repay niceness with temporary niceness. Gangsters reciprocate kindness, but they reputedly kill the people who offend them. So if you pay back good with good and evil with evil, then you have the same moral code as a gangster. What sort of person are you? How should you comport yourself?

But what about our desires for revenge? Paul has part of the answer, the rest is in the Psalms. Vengeance belongs to God. If you act out of a sense of outrage, you probably won’t think things out before you act. Since you are a human being, you probably won’t know all the pertinent facts, and even if you do, you won’t be in a position to take them soberly into account. Therefore, refer these emotions to God and let God take the revenge. Contract it out to God! Of course, this is only a satisfactory solution if you trust God, so when you contemplate this you’ll find your faith and your sense of spiritual identity coming into consideration. This is not an easy topic to ponder.

If you take revenge, you might feel guilty in the morning when you’ve had a night to sleep on it. If you don’t take revenge, you might burn forever in suppressed anger. But if you defer the matter to God, trusting God to do the right thing, you can retain your dignity and get just revenge at the same time.

The Psalms teach you how to do this. Read Psalm 69, for example, and ponder that it is in the Bible. Some people think that Psalms like this, generically called ‘imprecatory Psalms,’ represent a lower morality where God is invoked as a hit man, but I don’t agree. The imprecatory Psalms validate your anger and permit you to get your lust for revenge out of your system. At the same time, they acknowledge the inadequacy of humans to take just revenge, and defer to God’s judgment.

Adam wore a fig leaf to conceal his nakedness from God. We laugh, because God made him and knew what he looked like. Nevertheless when we pray, we keep things polite and dainty, as if not to offend God. How Adam would laugh at our fig leaf! God made us and knows our emotional dynamics! He knows our lusts and fears and rages, so why do we conceal these things from God in our prayers? Our prayer etiquette is a hypocritical sham, and a major obstacle to our spiritual maturity.

If you feel a need for revenge, tell God about it. Tell Him what you’d like to see done to that person, then defer the whole matter to Him, to do what He sees is fit.

It sounds like foolishness, but it works.

sigh....

You know when you get that "thing" in your stomach that tells you something just ain't right. I have that "thing" going on about couple of situations. One, I'm a smart chick. I see even when I don't say. I've blogged before how some people think because you don't say anything OR you give them opportunities (chances) that somehow you can't see the game. That's foolish and its foolish of me because I guess in not saying anything, I'm suggesting that its ok.

Pffst. Whatever.

I watch folks. Their words and deeds need to be in alignment with what they say. We all are hypocrites so I'm not saying that perfection is what I"m looking for but some sort of integrity. You know in customer service they tell you if you give good customer service the customer service, the customer may tell one or two people but if you give bad service they will tell 10 or more. YIKES. That goes along with other forms of relationships. People talk. Whisper. Who wants that mess? Be real.

Why not be honest with yourself and others? Why play like folks can't see YOU? Folks know when we lie, know when we are full of it, know when we aren't going to keep our word.

I know with doing my org, Integrity is important. Sometimes its hard to maintain but its something we all should strive for everyday. God demands it from us. Stop thinking people can't see YOU. Treat people as you want to be treated.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Power of saying thank you

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." -- William Arthur Ward, author and teacher



Say thank you.

So simple.

Not having gratitude is dangerous. Burns bridges. Turns people away.

If your business is built on formulating the right types of relationships, its very unwise not to value each contact as if its the road to your success.

Say thank you.

Silence

Over the past few days, in my spirit, all I can hear is "Silence". There is something I want to say and do and God tells me, "Silence".

(sigh, pout, sigh)

Its so arrogant of me to think I can handle it (and everything). Remembering that God can see the outcome, is important but I feel like I need to speak up, say something, defend me, etc, etc.

God says......

Silence....

(sigh)

This is a lesson to be learned. I believe that if we're capable of doing something, let us do it. I'm not a lazy believer BUT I need to be an obedient one. I believe the proverbial crap is about to hit the fan for someone and I guess I wanted to be the one throwing the crap. Yeah, awful but whatever. I do admit my flaws and I swear God's timing is off. (gigglin') He moves so slowwwwwwwwwly. :)

Anyway....if its silence he wants, its silence he gets.

shhhhhhhhh

Friday, October 10, 2008

You Jerk!




Arrogance diminishes wisdom

-an Arabian proverb


Arrogance -
offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.

Wisdom - knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Confidence - full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing



Ok, now that I have all the definitions out there, let me get started.

I believe whole-heartedly that people are given talents or "gifts". Everyone. EVERYONE.
Do I need to say it again.....all of us mofos hold within us gifts that serve our purpose here on the planet.

So why are people arrogant? There's a difference in being confident and being arrogant and its funny to watch folks scramble around with the two when you call them out on being an arrogant prick.

"Nah, I'm just confident and people can't handle it."

No, you're an ass.

I think what is even worse is false humility coupled with the bs. To me, it all screams, "low self-esteem".

Now, there's nothing wrong with having a LITTLE cockiness, swagger about yourself but true humility comes from knowing that ALL THINGS come from above. You are NOTHING without the Most High. NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGG. So why be arrogant? Why act as if you're better than anyone....everyone's poop stinks. And interesting enough, you're crystal clear. Sometimes we think because folks tolerate our BS that they can't see it. No, we see it but we have some grace for you. We figure you'll figure it out at some point AND we all reap what we sow. If you're putting that sort of vibe out into the world, its coming back to you. You will get smacked in the face.

We can't think that people don't see who we REALLY are.....how arrogant to think people are that dumb or uninsightful. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I do like confident people but I can't stand arrogant ones especially with that fake humility stuff. Its not that deep. As I said, we're all given gifts and talents. Its about HIS plan anyway. Once we give up on trying everything OUR way (arrogance), God opens the right doors and moves in on your behalf (confidence/wisdom). Sometimes we stay stuck because of the person in the mirror. Its not your family, friends, community, Indy, world.....its just YOU. You've misunderstood the plan. You misunderstood how you're to use your talents whatever they maybe. Most importantly, you've forgotten who really is in charge.

Man, Michael Jackson's crazy behind made a good point; start with the man in the mirror.

Arrogance is just simply UGLY.

Arrogance opens the door to being mean-spirited, inconsiderate, and rude. Arrogance TRULY diminishes wisdom. You can't hear from God, you can't see the next step....why...because YOU are in the way. And you looks stupid...

Bottomline....Check yourself. Do you really love yourself? Are you allowing your insecurities to take up too much space? Do you think its ok to be rude and inconsiderate because your time, talent and treasure is more valuable to you? See, be careful. You could be missing so many blessings simply because you're so focused on you. You even become a user. I've seen God strip people of their talents and positions. I've seen him simply just keep blocking blessings because that person was too caught up in what they can do. Too funny.

Be loving. Be honest. Treat people well. You are loved but so am I and the next person and the next.

kill the noise.