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Rhonda has some shit to say......ramble on!

I'm not going through and editing anything.....I'm writing tired and sleepy but its all from the heart. I'm going to let all the typos, misspellings, verb tense issues...let it all be. This the vibe. Deal.

I'm here thinking about me. I'm thinking about work, the day gig. I can see why I'm there as far as career and how it will help with CWUW. They are very technology based. They take advantage of all new uses for communicating with others across the country. They will help me to also step up my training game, making sure I'm thorough and effective. As much as I'm ready to quit any day gig, I know I need this gig.

But there are times of my "focus" keeps me isolated and makes me appear stand-offish. My day gig is secondary to CWUW. If I have stuff to do with CWUW, it gets done first without apology. Is that wrong? Probably. Its my attitude on the job. I'm nice to folks. I chat with folks but I'm also not bothered with stuff as well. My every moment is for God's mission but I wonder if I'm annoying to be My world is: The Kid, CWUW, the gig and some music on occasion. I wonder if that's it.

I'm having an introspective moment tonight.


There's a lesson I've learned some time ago about watching the people you hang with (and I think God is monitoring this for me) and the lesson is this, people who don't have shit going around you will make you lazy. I know if there is anyone that comes into my world and they are just bouncing through life with no focus, living day to day, and really don't know what they want, they are removed. I don't even have to do it. God just keeps them away. I do need to work on not being so judgmental. I know I am. Sucks.

I've never dated a man that wasn't driven or focused...NEVER. Weird. Any friend that seems to be lost in their way.....separate from me. Maybe it says I'm easily distracted but I think that we have to surround ourselves with the type of people we aspire to be. It keeps us growing. America has been dumbed down so much that its annoying. I think its nice to be culturally aware to be relevant but so what. Trivia is good for Trivial pursuit. I try to be well rounded - little politics, arts, business, etc. but knowledge is useless if isn't being used. How do you edify your world by just hording knowledge? If I know something, I'm using it to edify my neighbor. We are here for others and not for ourselves. So I'm sure God is keeping me with like minded folks. He is keeping me away from floaters which is different from being a Free Spirit.

I think there are people who are floaters that think they are Free Spirits. Free Spirit is a nonconformist. Soooooooooooo many people think that's who they are but conform all over the place. Floaters say they are Free Spirits because they can't get their shit together or have no clue. Free spirits are actually focused in their desire to be, well, Free. Its purposed. Their nonconformity has been thought through. They know why they aren't conforming. They understand they rules of the game and why they don't want to play. Floaters really don't understand. They are just lost and find the easy way out. Its annoying. LOL....and yes, I'm judgmental and I've spoken with God about it. But he knows enough to keep floaters away. Interesting.....

My next beef.....


It troubles my soul when I'm being untrue to myself. There are definite situations lately where I've not been Honest with myself. That's bull. I really try to be honest about me and whatever situation is going around me. I think I play with fire to much. Its fun and exciting but getting burned is a part of the game. I'm starting to burn. I need to be honest with myself. I guess I am now. :)


I've always been VERY selective about who I call Friend. I wasn't that child who that everyone was my friend. I don't befriend others friends and this has had folks pissed at me. I take it very serious. If I call you a friend, I mean that shit. Friendship to me means that I'm in your corner. I'll be true to you and value you. I'll respect you. I'll never be embarrassed to call you my friend. I know people. I hang out with people but that doesn't mean they are my FRIEND. They are cool. So when I person identifies me as their friend...I do expect the same treatment but basically, folks don't know really what a friend is. Its all bullshit. Don't call me a friend if you don't mean that shit. Plan and simple.

Tonight, I'm going to ask God to provide me with compassion. I'm going to ask for forgiveness. I'm going to pray for my friends AND my enemies. I'm going to keep pushing through all of this alone. A person I know keeps telling me I need a dude but I think God is waiting for the right time. 2009 will the busiest year of my life. In the first 6 months I'll be travelling for the day gig, CWUW will have its tax determination, the kid will be graduating and there will be two CWUW major events. Where would the dude fit in? Just for sex? God has to prepare a special dude for me I think. Not saying I'm better than anyone but I do know that I'm a special needs child of God (ahahahaha). I'm a very strong woman. I don't breakdown over things. A friend told me that I needed to be more emotional in times of crisis because thats what men respond to. Yeah...ok. :/ If I'm crying over somthing, I've jumped. If I'm asking for help or advice, that's me on the ledge. The dude will know to offer the hug, the advice, the compasssion, etc. and not give me the "You'll be alright. You're strong' bullshit speech. Every man I've known in my LIFE...even my mom has done that to me. My strength can be a damn curse. There's two people that jump in and they know when I'm overwhelmed before I even say it and that's the Kid and my friend Yo in NYC. I'm believing "the dude" will as well. I'm not emotional like that. I'm not going to crumble. I think its so lame that I have to cry before someone will through the line. So you have to drown before you actually get saved....whatever.

So this "dude", whomever it maybe...will be solid. I'm not going out hunting him down. Hell maybe I know him already. I don't know. I just know that I'm fucking awesome and I'm a blessing. (lol@me) rambling is going to get me in trouble if I keep writing.

good night.


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