Tuesday, March 29, 2011

20lbs plus

At the beginning of fall, I was pumped and ready to take control, fully, of my body. For many years, I've battled having a eating disorder that had me so in its control that sometimes even looking in the mirror was a horrific experience.  I still have a phobia of having my picture taking. [may the truth set me free...].  During the summer, I had started a routine of working out that had me prepped for P90x.  My mind was ready.  I started my routine and went 13 days and BAM.....repeated sicknesses, mainly respiratory issues.  I couldn't breathe well from my right lung, I felt tired and worn out.


Sick.

Why was my immune system so compromised?  STRESS.  I was allowing LIFE to take over me, to control me.  I behaved as if I had to just obey whatever situation that popped up, I had to obey whatever work that was thrown my way.  I was killing myself. So, I was sick off and on for 3 months.  During these months, I gained 20lbs.  I was on my way to losing 30lbs extra prior to being sick.  Let's do the math.  30+20=50lbs.

So what does this do to a person with an eating disorder?  How do I make this right in my mind? How do I find the balance that I'm trying to teach others?

Rhonda vs Bulimia

The first thing I have to make peace with is that I'm still FLY.  I'm still smart, funny, quirky, loving, etc. The scale doesn't change anything. Then I have to not blame myself.  I've been sick. I've had trouble working out successful.  Finally, I have to realize that I'm in control and I can successful lose 50lbs in a healthy way.  There are no deadlines.  I'm only losing weight to be healthy - not for vanity, CWUW, or anything or anyone else.

50lbs. 

There are no scales in my home anymore. I used to weigh myself daily...yes, daily.  I will lose weight and shape my body into the image that I want.  [loving the selfishness of this blog]  Freedom starts in releasing our minds from self-imposed prisons.  Freedom is now.  Remember, I said this is the Year of Me and I still mean it.  God is doing a great work in me with this issue but its time to stop the on-going battle and just win the damn war.

Its time.

[No editing....leaving the typos and the mess ups - Therapy]

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Do as I say, not as I do...

In the past few months, I've had some really weird online tension with someone who I actually admire very much but we don't see to click online. I've had many online discussions, arguments even and never have I had someone misread what I've said and my intentions to this degree.  I don't want to diagnose the issue because I don't really understand it.  I think from the outside it would look very childish and as if two head strong fools are trying to out "brain" each other.  We've played all of the childhood games - unfollow, block, delete, blah, blah, blah....yeah, I've participated but I was pissed and this person made me mad....and....and (pouts).  Ok. I know....childish but still (giggles).


This past week I returned to working with the girls I had been doing a group with for the past year. I now have assistance so I can do another things.  My first day back, there was tension in the room.  Two of the girls were beefing.  We really couldn't get through the day because of the attitudes so I had to mention it.  I made them begin to talk about it.  They were not very pleased.  I guess this was the 5th attempt by some adult to squash this beef.   I knew these girls were friends and whatever was going on, should be over at this point.  So I played the role of all knowing adult forgetting I've thrown my FB and twitter tantrum with someone recently.  How soon we forget, right?  We got the girls to talking and at least expressing their feelings openly and honestly without the anger.  It was a good session of truth telling.   I can't say they will be friends but the fire has cooled down.

So what about me and this person.....should I extend the olive branch even though I'm clueless to why they got pissed off at me?  My pride says...whatever.  My pride says....they think they know it all anyway.  My PRIDE says....THEY are ego tripping.  [smh@me]  My pride talks too much.

I don't know if I'm going to follow my own lead.  I will give myself enough credit to admit that  can self check because I don't always do what I say.  I'm human.   I'll say a prayer for this friendship that could have been.  If it happens, then Hallelujah....if not....we will say...Hallelujah.  All is well. 


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Take our lives back: National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

In 1995, it was the first time I volunteered at an AIDS service organization (ASO) and in 2011, I'm still working at an ASO.  Most of those years, I was directing my efforts towards working with women to reduce OUR risk of HIV.  I love working with women but the health disparities facing black women made the work even harder.  Our attitudes towards our bodies, our lives was and is our barrier to living healthy.

We have to first agree to take responsibility for our choices. Forget the so called down low brother. Forget blaming others for our own actions.  I've come across many women who stayed in relationships when they knew their partner was cheating. I've come across many women who don't talk about condom use with their partner. I've come across many women who won't get tested for HIV and other STIs.  At some point, we have to look into the mirror and agree that our bodies, our lives are valuable and we need to take care of ourselves.

It should be said that gender inequality plays a major role in why HIV effects women so harshly. There are correlations between gender inequality and HIV infection rates.  Domestic Violence is also a risk factor for women.  We have to recognize that women have significant barriers to the prevention of HIV.  But I still challenge women not to make excuses to why we're in dangerous relationships, unable to talk about sexuality and sexual history with our partners.  We have to examine ourselves.  As much as we need men to understand the various ways they do contribute to the rates of HIV amongst women, women need to be on the forefront of fighting HIV by talking about it, becoming educated, and protecting themselves. 

HIV is preventable.  HIV is preventable.  HIV is preventable.  We must understand that we don't have to become HIV positive and if we do, we can still live a long life with proper treatment. 

Let's take back our lives and support one another.  We are able.




Thursday, March 3, 2011

God knows best

Have you ever examined why a situation doesn't occur the way you've planned or even prayed for it to happen?   Your friends and family will quote every scripture or religious text they know.  You believe it. God will give me the desires of my heart.  Stand on that Word....screams .....Hallelujah!

God?  What do you think?

crickets

I remember praying hard for someone who desired something with all of his heart.  I believed that it would happen but it didn't.   I felt for him but turned to God to show me why didn't it happen.

A few months later, a situation occurred where I experienced some behavior that made me realize why God said "No!" to this person.  I'm like.....oh THAT's why you didn't get that blessing.  Good move O.G.  

In my Christian yet very metaphysical mind, I do believe that we can create our existence through our actions.  Faith without works is dead.  We must move towards the blessing but we also need to understand that we must not only be physically ready but emotionally and more so spiritually.  After witnessing what I did with the person, I knew that the blessing would have killed him spiritually.  He wasn't ready.  God knew.  I must continue to trust that a NO is just as much as a blessing as a YES.

I'm very grateful for insight.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

That box doesn't fit me



The most frustrating time you will have with a person is trying to make the peg fit into the circle instead of getting out of self and enjoying the peg and forget about any circle. When we're seeking something, when we're in need of some sort of assurance, we don't allow people to be themselves but who we want them to be for our benefit. That causes nothing but frustration.

You miss out. You lose.