Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sound

Wrestling with the emotions
of streaming thoughts
as the sea moans
with displeasure
of the winds
the twisted mindset
moves away from
sweet words
dripping
from lying
lips
Walking towards light
as I awaken from a slumber
of loneliness
confused by my solitude
something embraced as needed
but quiet moments
reminders of emptiness
Can I arise beautiful?
Moving forth in perfection
knowing my past is no
more than a stepping stones
to strength
let me be
no more confused

sound

Agreeing to be Agreeable

I completely believe in being honest almost to a fault. No matter the friendship or relationship if you can't be authentically yourself, the friendship/relationship isn't real. Agreeing with bull so that you seem to be on the same page just makes for a bullshit/false situation.

For you to be my friend, we don't have to agree or like the same things. For you to be my lover, we don't have to agree or like the same things (all the time).

I've seen friendships that are like "You're so right. You're so great. You're so wonderful" and I'm thinking...bullshit. My sisterfriends take me to the carpet. If they disagree, they disagree. In relationships, I'm not going to agree with bs just because we're together and I want to give the appearance that we are so PERFECT together. I think I just can't stand BS and it pisses me off.

Love doesn't mean everything is always Perfect and even agreeable. You have to be able to check the person you're with and that person even has an expectation you will do so.

aight.....got that off my chest....for now.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I'm Ready.

I think I will officially get back on the market this summer.

Ready for a partner in crime.

So - Here I am. :)

Spiritual, Driven, Goofy, Sexy Chica!!!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

3am mindset
pours out
wondrous possibilities
exploration of the deepest
wishes
imagination is invoking
secret dreams
chimera
things never to manifest
3am mindset
takes me to open my eyes
the little girl
playing with Mary
the friend who I could
only see
but was real
because she was me
3am mindset
wiles, seduction
power trippin'
intoxicated
on my own pimp game
remember when you
were THAT chick?
no more
3am calls me
mindset unsure each
night
of what is next
can I be that Chick
invokin' imagination
love
lust
la la la la

Tired Soul

Today -


I told my boss that the way they run the org makes me want to SCREAM!! I vented. I can't take the nonsense anymore but my battle has been - "Rhonda, just be grateful you have a job and shut it!" But do I need to lose my integrity, get stepped on because there is a recession? God never said to be foolish.

I keep being told, "You're there for a reason." WHATEVER!! Sometimes folks can be TOO spiritual (if that's possible). I'm miserable and I shouldn't be. Its a mission that I support. I still enjoying working in HIV/STD prevention but damn. I don't enjoy this. I'm almost jealous of their building even. I keep thinking....CWUW could REALLY use this space wisely. I know I shouldn't covet anything but the building is SWEET. Nonetheless, I have to now grind for a new gig. I'll find something. Just need to do it soon, before the kid graduates.

I'm not really tired as in weary but I'm physically tired most days. The thought of going to a gym makes me cry. My brain is always working. I have so many emails to respond to daily. My butt is just sitting and yet I feel like I'm movin' alot. So I've been seeking strength God. My closest sisterfriends have been encouraging to finish this race without fail. I will. Its always about the plan of God and not Rhonda's agenda. One day this week, I will admit, that I told God I need help. I need help to remind Syd of all she needs to do with college, I need help with reminding of this bill, that bill, who I need to call about what, the landlord, etc. I can't even say it was a conversation with God but I did just sit and cried a bit. I needed a HUGGGGGGGGGG. I needed a momma type of hug. I kiss on the fo head type of lovin'. I was tired. (sigh) I've said it so many times before that being strong is a lonely road because people assume your shoulders never fail. Its weird. I'm thinking about my "brotha" telling me to be more emotional.....I'd get more attention. UGH. Its not in me. I can't be the damsel in distress. As a matter of fact, I noticed 3 men, "internet friends" called me Ms. Bayless. I laugh at that. Just an interesting pattern.

Anyway......if you're reading this, pray for a sista. There's a lot in front of me to deal with. I'm sure that will handle it all just fine because God is with me, loves me, and won't let me fail but a little prayer never hurts.

Romans 8:28

(ain't editing it.....whatever is misspelled so be it...wrong words, syntax, verb tense....whatever)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Hoping time does its job and allow my heart to resolve the mess its created
I cared more than I've ever said but tried to show
I allowed my heart fight principle to the death
sacrificing integrity for thrill, compliments, and passion
I feel the loss even though it was a fantasy
miss you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Theme song for the moment!


Real Thang (Soulflip Remix) - Erykah Badu
Passionately I strive to capture the vision in my heart
I toil over how and why and when
this labor is long
tiresome some days, I do feel
I seek the seed planted inside of me
I've come to terms that I will walk this path alone
I will find strength within myself
to persevere
hard days do
come
but I know that I am strong enough
to carry the weight
I seek this out more than anything
Self motivation is all I have
but there are times when I need to rest
when I just want to lay my head down on
supportive shoulders
and just breathe
My dream will manifest
The plan will come forth
The birth is near


written 6/8/08 - the birth has come
A muse
to the freedom
sought in the deepest
dreams
Secrecy of sensual words
wiles, exotic talk
seems to purify the
murky waters
the maybes and whys
Two worlds never to collide
one giving love
the other
being danger, sensuality
in the dark
Confusion arises
one offering both
leaving the other behind

let it not be
Foolishness

Wisdom is that
of a pure heart
One to answer the call
of what the Divine wants
and not our minds desire
HIS way will be made known
Freedom will now arise
from Truth
for the inner man
no more secret
passions in the night
all will be in the highest
point of the day
let it be

The Ego: An Anti-Evolutionary Force

The Evolutionary Enlightenment teachings of Andrew Cohen

The Ego

An Anti-Evolutionary Force

There is a profound contrast between the enlightened perspective, which is the absolute, universal, and impersonal view of the Authentic Self, and the unenlightened perspective, which is the relative, separate, and personal view of the narcissistic ego. It is literally the difference between heaven and hell.

When I speak about ego, I am not using the term in the psychological sense, which usually refers to what we could call a self-organizing function in the psyche. In an enlightenment context, the word ego refers to something else altogether. Ego is the deeply ingrained, compulsive need to remain separate and superior at all times, in all places, under all circumstances. In contrast to the inherent freedom of the Self Absolute and the fearless passion of the Authentic Self, ego is experienced as an emotional quagmire of fear and attachment. It is the part of you that has no interest whatsoever in freedom, feels victimized by life, avoids anything that contradicts its self-image, is thoroughly invested in its personal fears and desires, and lives only for itself. Ego is an anti-evolutionary force of powerful inertia in human nature—attached to the past, terrified of change, and seeking only to preserve the status quo.

Ego is the one and only one obstacle to enlightenment. If we want to be free, if we want to be enlightened, we have to pay the price. The great wisdom traditions have always told us that the price is ego death, and in evolutionary enlightenment it is no different: if the Authentic Self is going to act through us as the uninhibited expression of evolution in action, then our attachment to ego must be transcended.

Andrew Cohen


Dippin' into your fantasy
nasty as I wanna be
lick you there kiss you here
pull me close, pull me near
close your eyes
and you will see
the other side, naughty me
Pretend as you will
late at night
I'm your thrill
Cleverly I am to thee
your chocolate
sexy fantasy

Conceit

It just hit me....I'm a CATCH!!

hahahah.

I'm smart. I'm focused. I'm sorta funny. I'm sorta sexy.....

dang!! Why AM I single? Dudes are falling all over lesser babes.....

Get at me!

hahahahha.

Just had a moment of conceit....
You know the moment you declare, "I'm peaceful!!" here comes chaos to knock at your door. It was knocking early so I took out my bible and I found some peace but chaos is bold and it came back, this time ringing the door bell.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


Then I thought, let me take a look at this from God's perspective. What do I need to see in this situation? I think its no more than a warning for me to be guarded and to prepare to handle this going forward. I get it.

There's another situation where I think a person who is a friend can't really handle our friendship and has to pull back for a number of reasons. Understand but communication is key. Say what is on your mind or you leave the other person there to fill in the blanks and I have an active imagination. :)

God will constantly keep you growing and developing if you embrace him. I'm all for it. I'm learning to be patient and to wait on his timing for all things to work itself out and it will.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Finding Happiness from within

I woke up feeling good. I woke up thanking God for his Divine love and protection. I had a dream the other night where I was standing in a house surrounded by children. They were children protecting me. They were both inside and outside of the house. Outside of the house was a man standing there staring at me. The children kept him from getting to me. He was EVIL. We stared each other down and no matter how much he tried to get to me, the children wouldn't allow it. He feared the children.

It was creepy but powerful. I understood the dream. God let me know he's got me and with that, peace just over took me. In all of this "alone" time since the death of many family members, I've really had to look from within to find out who I am. I've always had some confidence on some level but nothing like this. God has shone me that He has my back and that He is my provider and most importantly, that He believes in me. That drives me. It makes me HAPPY.

You know when you realize that your happiness can't be based on anyone but yourself. Disappointments may come but Joy is from inside of you. I've found a place in my spirit today that I'm REALLY glad I'm single (and not just single from being in a relationship). I'm glad that I've been somewhat making it through the Valley and back up the Mountain with just me and Syd (with the encouragement of my friends of course). I've had to realize that if I base my happiness on others, its bound to fail at some point.

As I continue to work hard on my professional life, I will definitely take more time to pursue happiness from within.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Today, I was about to get back to work on some CWUW stuff and my body shut down. Man, I need to stop pushing myself like this. I really couldn't move and I felt so tired. I felt guilty for wasting a day. So, I feel like I have to take today to work.

I'm going to have to remind myself to slow down and chill.

3rd blog about the same thing....am I not getting the message?

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Friday, March 6, 2009

the mountains still move with just one little seed
my soul still is connected to the Universe as I am connected to the Divine
passionately my tears mean more than an drop of rain
I love so deeply that my heart is scarred from just the thought of it all
human
Not super
yet awesomely created
angels come to heed the call
human
no need for amazing strength
only love me

I remain a motherless child longing for her touch, hug, and love
driven by the need to be one with Yeshua, to manifest love at all times
giving my all to my child, blessed she is in my presence, loving me as I her
Gods perfection
and yet
I'm just human
not super
awesomely created
to know the divine mysteries
human
flawed and yet perfect
me

Achin' in my bones




I love the song by Amel called Weary but never thought of myself as such but today, I am.

I've never been so physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted....well, not since the Kid was an infant. My body aches. My mind tries to think of creative things and I'm too tired to let anything manifest from my soul. WOW....

How to replenish myself is the question? Its almost like a test of sorts. So many women are alone and are single mothers who need to take the time to revitalize their spirits and don't know who. I'm wondering the same today. Its easy if you have someone there to rub ya feet, fix you dinner, and maybe even do some thinking for it. Its so hard to be IT. I'm tired and I'm struggling this week to pull it back together. I've never looked my worse. My nails, my feet and most days I don't wear makeup. Its like the hustle has me 100%. There's no time for all of that...right? Syd even made me take the time to get my eyebrows done. goodness.

I saw a woman at the bank today and she was so well groomed. I admired her. In my hustle, I've lost a little of me. In the past years of me really focusing on CWUW and Syd, I've let my body go. I've let ME go which is ironic because I've never been so happy with who I am as I am today. I love me. I'm so fly....I just feel soooooooooooooo tired.

I think I may take the time and just pray and allow God to replenish me.

YaY!!

YAY for CWUW!!

We received our determination letter and so we are on and poppin'. WOW...I think this must be like the musician that finally gets the record deal and now its time to produce. We're ready.

I need to blast my horn I think. I'm busting my ASS. Fun is put aside most of the time so I can get things done. I guess I don't see this as something just for me and the Kid but I'm trying to leave something here for Indy, my legacy.

I giggled at the fact that I've not read anything but journals and studies for that past few years. Today I copied, "Principles for Good Governance and Ethical Practice". Exciting huh? I'm moving into some mom stuff too. Gotta get the kid on track. We are in the last leg of this stage of her life and I can see she's ready but still needs guidance. May is approaching. :)

I don't like to get caught up in me AT ALL but damn it, with God's guidance and love, I'm making this work. I'll stay single as long as I need to be. I'll not go out and just waste time. I need this to work. I don't have a choice. Plus, I don't need a partner to just provide a rub on the back and some words of encouragement...oh and some lovin' on occasion. I would need a dude who really knows this type of grind and who is on his own grind as well. I'm sure God is working it out. :)


I make moves. I'm the Real Thing.

Believe that.

You are too. :)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

It seems just the possibility
is addicting
the desire of holding you
manifests dreams
never imagined
my reality seems to be in perfection
how can I long for a thought, a hope,
a possibility

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Pity.

I have no words. My body aches. I'm tired, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. No one to say you are great. No one run bath. No one tuck me in.

I will take care of me. Quietly. No bothering with the bullshit of others who tells lies to their souls. Who in their own insecurities masks hidden wants and needs.

My head falls to the side. I type with determination because my soul aches. Who will rub the head of God's child? Who dears to believe that she maybe in need? Strength and power are given to me as gifts of life and I am cursed for it. Driven, I am alone. My droppy eyes tell no tales.

I love me because....who else will.

Monday, March 2, 2009

lustfully you see
hips and thighs
shapely
curvaceous
rubbing and grinding
thoughtfully
it can be
more than you
imagine
really?
lips parted
awaiting the kiss
longed for
late night
lusciously
my hands
where you dreamed
they would be
lovingly giving
pleasure
really?
my hands wrapped
in your hair
pulling
as I feel
you
hands on
hips and thighs
shapely curvaceous
rubbing and grinding
Thoughtfully
I am more.
the bluest sky succumbs to cloudy days
my bold ways can be weaken with the simplest of words
passionately I move through finite days with the hope
of love everlasting, touching and gripping my soul
I dream of that day, when I love the clouds as the bluest sky
learning all parts of my being are Divine
and love is near