Tuesday, March 31, 2009
of streaming thoughts
as the sea moans
of the winds
the twisted mindset
moves away from
Walking towards light
as I awaken from a slumber
confused by my solitude
something embraced as needed
but quiet moments
reminders of emptiness
Can I arise beautiful?
Moving forth in perfection
knowing my past is no
more than a stepping stones
let me be
no more confused
For you to be my friend, we don't have to agree or like the same things. For you to be my lover, we don't have to agree or like the same things (all the time).
I've seen friendships that are like "You're so right. You're so great. You're so wonderful" and I'm thinking...bullshit. My sisterfriends take me to the carpet. If they disagree, they disagree. In relationships, I'm not going to agree with bs just because we're together and I want to give the appearance that we are so PERFECT together. I think I just can't stand BS and it pisses me off.
Love doesn't mean everything is always Perfect and even agreeable. You have to be able to check the person you're with and that person even has an expectation you will do so.
aight.....got that off my chest....for now.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
exploration of the deepest
imagination is invoking
things never to manifest
takes me to open my eyes
the little girl
playing with Mary
the friend who I could
but was real
because she was me
on my own pimp game
remember when you
were THAT chick?
3am calls me
mindset unsure each
of what is next
can I be that Chick
la la la la
I told my boss that the way they run the org makes me want to SCREAM!! I vented. I can't take the nonsense anymore but my battle has been - "Rhonda, just be grateful you have a job and shut it!" But do I need to lose my integrity, get stepped on because there is a recession? God never said to be foolish.
I keep being told, "You're there for a reason." WHATEVER!! Sometimes folks can be TOO spiritual (if that's possible). I'm miserable and I shouldn't be. Its a mission that I support. I still enjoying working in HIV/STD prevention but damn. I don't enjoy this. I'm almost jealous of their building even. I keep thinking....CWUW could REALLY use this space wisely. I know I shouldn't covet anything but the building is SWEET. Nonetheless, I have to now grind for a new gig. I'll find something. Just need to do it soon, before the kid graduates.
I'm not really tired as in weary but I'm physically tired most days. The thought of going to a gym makes me cry. My brain is always working. I have so many emails to respond to daily. My butt is just sitting and yet I feel like I'm movin' alot. So I've been seeking strength God. My closest sisterfriends have been encouraging to finish this race without fail. I will. Its always about the plan of God and not Rhonda's agenda. One day this week, I will admit, that I told God I need help. I need help to remind Syd of all she needs to do with college, I need help with reminding of this bill, that bill, who I need to call about what, the landlord, etc. I can't even say it was a conversation with God but I did just sit and cried a bit. I needed a HUGGGGGGGGGG. I needed a momma type of hug. I kiss on the fo head type of lovin'. I was tired. (sigh) I've said it so many times before that being strong is a lonely road because people assume your shoulders never fail. Its weird. I'm thinking about my "brotha" telling me to be more emotional.....I'd get more attention. UGH. Its not in me. I can't be the damsel in distress. As a matter of fact, I noticed 3 men, "internet friends" called me Ms. Bayless. I laugh at that. Just an interesting pattern.
Anyway......if you're reading this, pray for a sista. There's a lot in front of me to deal with. I'm sure that will handle it all just fine because God is with me, loves me, and won't let me fail but a little prayer never hurts.
(ain't editing it.....whatever is misspelled so be it...wrong words, syntax, verb tense....whatever)
Monday, March 23, 2009
I cared more than I've ever said but tried to show
I allowed my heart fight principle to the death
sacrificing integrity for thrill, compliments, and passion
I feel the loss even though it was a fantasy
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I toil over how and why and when
this labor is long
tiresome some days, I do feel
I seek the seed planted inside of me
I've come to terms that I will walk this path alone
I will find strength within myself
hard days do come
but I know that I am strong enough
to carry the weight
I seek this out more than anything
Self motivation is all I have
but there are times when I need to rest
when I just want to lay my head down on
and just breathe
My dream will manifest
The plan will come forth
The birth is near
written 6/8/08 - the birth has come
to the freedom
sought in the deepest
Secrecy of sensual words
wiles, exotic talk
seems to purify the
the maybes and whys
Two worlds never to collide
one giving love
being danger, sensuality
in the dark
one offering both
leaving the other behind
let it not be
Wisdom is that
of a pure heart
One to answer the call
of what the Divine wants
and not our minds desire
HIS way will be made known
Freedom will now arise
for the inner man
no more secret
passions in the night
all will be in the highest
point of the day
let it be
An Anti-Evolutionary Force
There is a profound contrast between the enlightened perspective, which is the absolute, universal, and impersonal view of the Authentic Self, and the unenlightened perspective, which is the relative, separate, and personal view of the narcissistic ego. It is literally the difference between heaven and hell.
When I speak about ego, I am not using the term in the psychological sense, which usually refers to what we could call a self-organizing function in the psyche. In an enlightenment context, the word ego refers to something else altogether. Ego is the deeply ingrained, compulsive need to remain separate and superior at all times, in all places, under all circumstances. In contrast to the inherent freedom of the Self Absolute and the fearless passion of the Authentic Self, ego is experienced as an emotional quagmire of fear and attachment. It is the part of you that has no interest whatsoever in freedom, feels victimized by life, avoids anything that contradicts its self-image, is thoroughly invested in its personal fears and desires, and lives only for itself. Ego is an anti-evolutionary force of powerful inertia in human nature—attached to the past, terrified of change, and seeking only to preserve the status quo.
Ego is the one and only one obstacle to enlightenment. If we want to be free, if we want to be enlightened, we have to pay the price. The great wisdom traditions have always told us that the price is ego death, and in evolutionary enlightenment it is no different: if the Authentic Self is going to act through us as the uninhibited expression of evolution in action, then our attachment to ego must be transcended.Andrew Cohen
nasty as I wanna be
lick you there kiss you here
pull me close, pull me near
close your eyes
and you will see
the other side, naughty me
Pretend as you will
late at night
I'm your thrill
Cleverly I am to thee
Then I thought, let me take a look at this from God's perspective. What do I need to see in this situation? I think its no more than a warning for me to be guarded and to prepare to handle this going forward. I get it.
There's another situation where I think a person who is a friend can't really handle our friendship and has to pull back for a number of reasons. Understand but communication is key. Say what is on your mind or you leave the other person there to fill in the blanks and I have an active imagination. :)
God will constantly keep you growing and developing if you embrace him. I'm all for it. I'm learning to be patient and to wait on his timing for all things to work itself out and it will.
Monday, March 9, 2009
It was creepy but powerful. I understood the dream. God let me know he's got me and with that, peace just over took me. In all of this "alone" time since the death of many family members, I've really had to look from within to find out who I am. I've always had some confidence on some level but nothing like this. God has shone me that He has my back and that He is my provider and most importantly, that He believes in me. That drives me. It makes me HAPPY.
You know when you realize that your happiness can't be based on anyone but yourself. Disappointments may come but Joy is from inside of you. I've found a place in my spirit today that I'm REALLY glad I'm single (and not just single from being in a relationship). I'm glad that I've been somewhat making it through the Valley and back up the Mountain with just me and Syd (with the encouragement of my friends of course). I've had to realize that if I base my happiness on others, its bound to fail at some point.
As I continue to work hard on my professional life, I will definitely take more time to pursue happiness from within.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I'm going to have to remind myself to slow down and chill.
3rd blog about the same thing....am I not getting the message?
Friday, March 6, 2009
my soul still is connected to the Universe as I am connected to the Divine
passionately my tears mean more than an drop of rain
I love so deeply that my heart is scarred from just the thought of it all
yet awesomely created
angels come to heed the call
no need for amazing strength
only love me
I remain a motherless child longing for her touch, hug, and love
driven by the need to be one with Yeshua, to manifest love at all times
giving my all to my child, blessed she is in my presence, loving me as I her
I'm just human
to know the divine mysteries
flawed and yet perfect
I love the song by Amel called Weary but never thought of myself as such but today, I am.
I've never been so physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted....well, not since the Kid was an infant. My body aches. My mind tries to think of creative things and I'm too tired to let anything manifest from my soul. WOW....
How to replenish myself is the question? Its almost like a test of sorts. So many women are alone and are single mothers who need to take the time to revitalize their spirits and don't know who. I'm wondering the same today. Its easy if you have someone there to rub ya feet, fix you dinner, and maybe even do some thinking for it. Its so hard to be IT. I'm tired and I'm struggling this week to pull it back together. I've never looked my worse. My nails, my feet and most days I don't wear makeup. Its like the hustle has me 100%. There's no time for all of that...right? Syd even made me take the time to get my eyebrows done. goodness.
I saw a woman at the bank today and she was so well groomed. I admired her. In my hustle, I've lost a little of me. In the past years of me really focusing on CWUW and Syd, I've let my body go. I've let ME go which is ironic because I've never been so happy with who I am as I am today. I love me. I'm so fly....I just feel soooooooooooooo tired.
I think I may take the time and just pray and allow God to replenish me.
We received our determination letter and so we are on and poppin'. WOW...I think this must be like the musician that finally gets the record deal and now its time to produce. We're ready.
I need to blast my horn I think. I'm busting my ASS. Fun is put aside most of the time so I can get things done. I guess I don't see this as something just for me and the Kid but I'm trying to leave something here for Indy, my legacy.
I giggled at the fact that I've not read anything but journals and studies for that past few years. Today I copied, "Principles for Good Governance and Ethical Practice". Exciting huh? I'm moving into some mom stuff too. Gotta get the kid on track. We are in the last leg of this stage of her life and I can see she's ready but still needs guidance. May is approaching. :)
I don't like to get caught up in me AT ALL but damn it, with God's guidance and love, I'm making this work. I'll stay single as long as I need to be. I'll not go out and just waste time. I need this to work. I don't have a choice. Plus, I don't need a partner to just provide a rub on the back and some words of encouragement...oh and some lovin' on occasion. I would need a dude who really knows this type of grind and who is on his own grind as well. I'm sure God is working it out. :)
I make moves. I'm the Real Thing.
You are too. :)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I will take care of me. Quietly. No bothering with the bullshit of others who tells lies to their souls. Who in their own insecurities masks hidden wants and needs.
My head falls to the side. I type with determination because my soul aches. Who will rub the head of God's child? Who dears to believe that she maybe in need? Strength and power are given to me as gifts of life and I am cursed for it. Driven, I am alone. My droppy eyes tell no tales.
I love me because....who else will.
Monday, March 2, 2009
hips and thighs
rubbing and grinding
it can be
more than you
awaiting the kiss
where you dreamed
they would be
my hands wrapped
in your hair
as I feel
hips and thighs
rubbing and grinding
I am more.
my bold ways can be weaken with the simplest of words
passionately I move through finite days with the hope
of love everlasting, touching and gripping my soul
I dream of that day, when I love the clouds as the bluest sky
learning all parts of my being are Divine
and love is near