Sunday, April 27, 2014

window

To think that you couldn't say what you wanted to say at the moment you wanted to say it
That time when you thought I should just reach out and say and feel and explore


this.  whatever this is.  this.

To think you looked in my eyes and I stared back and we knew

something.  We knew that we knew

something.

But you couldn't say want you wanted to say at the moment you wanted to say it.
I never reached out. I didn't say a word. I didn't explore

you.

Maybe that time will  come back around, over lap in space  and we will have the right words, the right touches, the right something.

something.

If I.



What if I wasn't alive?


What if I never as a twinkling of anyone's eye?


What if I never got to smile, cry, laugh, love?


What if I never got to see my daughter's face or see my grandson being born?


What if no one loved me?

What if I couldn't take another breath?

The What ifs....I'm glad they never existed.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

And I cry....

I've never been much of a crier.  My sad moments have been normally just me locked away with music, a note book, and my thoughts.  I'm a quiet person. I'm introspective. I feel deeply but to cry, no.  At some point in my life, I decided that it wasn't for me. I don't know when.  I don't know where but I decided to suck it up and deal.

My mother and my daughter are people of emotion.  They value their emotions. They demand the right to express their feelings at any given moment.  They feel it and you know it. To be a person like me around all of that energy all the time is draining.  I felt I had to manage the results of the whirlwind of emotions that just swept through.  I was the clean up lady. What was damaged by my mom's anger?  How could I help my daughter through this new episode of an anxiety outbreak gone bad.  How did I come to feel I had to manage other people's emotions?  When did I become responsible? I don't know.

I have learned that I'm the queen of detachment. Maybe sexual abuse taught me that skill but I've learned to use it here and there.  Even in being the clean up woman, I learned not to take in what was happening. At least, I thought that's what I was doing.  Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we got this situation under control. With more recent events, I've learned, I never truly had anything under control and even more importantly, I've cried.  I've cried a lot.  My tears have been hidden from others for the most part until I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago.  As we talked about how I'm handling some of the issues in my life, the tears fell.  I didn't want them too. I heard myself whimper.  The tears kept falling as my feelings finally met the depths of my soul and the pain that has been there for years. I cried hard.

Throughout my life, I survive. I look for solutions to move on and move through and ignoring any attachment to a feeling or emotion.  Who has time for that? Let's get over this situation or moment.  We're not made that way.  Those feelings have to go somewhere and for me, they were being stored.  As I've gone through much stress related to my daughter's healing, its only compounded what was already there.  This isn't all about my daughter.  Its the lack of self care over the years.  Its ignoring the pain of lost loves, deaths, and disappoints and always feeling that I shouldn't and can't cry.  I remember going to a therapist about five years after my mom's death and him telling me that I haven't started grieving her death.  I disagreed with him. I felt I did all that I was supposed to do.  I did cry after her death but I also took care of everything.  I made sure everyone was ok. I took care of the estate. I was also unemployed and I had just ended a 7 year relationship.  There was so much loss but I kept on moving forward because life didn't give me a break and I didn't take one. You have to keeping on keeping on, right?  As my friend told me, "Rhonda, you survive but you never recover". 

Through my tears I've begun a journey of healing past wounds I thought had healed and assuring new wounds get their proper care.  There are benefits to crying and I finally see why my mother and daughter fought for their moments to feel whatever they were feeling.  To release all of that emotion into the Universe is rewarding.  Going forward, in my walk through mental wellness, I will celebrate my tears and my deep cries and know that this is just a stepping stone to a healed soul.