Friday, October 29, 2010

Being me. Being Free.

How did we develop a society that doesn't allow people to just be who they are?

Even at 42, I'm still fighting to be my authentic self. I've finally grown to a place where I'm good with me, the good things and the messy stuff.  I understand it all.  I'm hardwired to be introverted, overly loving and concerned, strong, sensitive, focused, and driven.  It can make for an odd combo but I understand it as I work at being and living the very reason for my creation. It works...for me. 

Its sad that we have young people killing themselves because they can't be who they are. We can look to all aspects of society for contributing to this underlying, unnerving weight on our spirits that we are somehow 'not right'.  We are all "Can't get right" it seems. We don't live in the right neighborhoods. We don't have the right religion. We don't have a big enough ass. We don't have the right skin tone.  We don't have the right gender. We don't have the right sexual orientation.

Be Free. Let others Be Free.

We should all live a life where our mantras should cry out, "Do others no harm!" 

Let's stop hurting each other. Love one another....daily.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Domestic Violence: The moment I heard her scream

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 

I have been a victim of domestic violence. I have had a man hit me and abuse me mentally AND I stayed.  I've been her.

I dated a man who was a womanizer. He repeatedly cheated. I knew it. I was very aware because as a part of his abuse, he made it known. I stayed. I stayed when he told me I wasn't very attractive. I remember when we were at a club in Cleveland. I was getting a lot of attention and he turned to me and said, "I don't get what they are seeing."  I stayed.  There was a day when we were moving from one condo to another in the same complex. He had a friend come by to help us. This entire time he bragged to his friend about how after he moved us into this condo that he was going to see this other woman.  The friend looked at me, I looked at him. It was as if the friend as so much pity for me."Rhonda, where is the iron?" The friend stayed to help make sure I had everything moved and everything I needed. The friend leaves the condo and go I sit on the couch.  My daughter was about 7 years old at this time.  We had boxes all over the place. I was tired.  I sat on the couch in a daze as I watch him get ready to go see this woman.   At some point, he needed the iron.  He says,   I tell him I don't know and to find it himself.  It starts.  He repeats over and over, "Rhonda, where is the iron?"  He begins to dump every box on the floor.  He every dumps the boxes from the kitchen. Food goes all over the floor as he continues, "Rhonda, where is the iron?!" 

I said NOTHING but I was on fire. I walked pass him into the bathroom.  He is telling me how I'm unattractive and FAT.  Interesting.  I was about 30lbs lighter then and not even close to being overweight but he knew that would get to me.  He finds the iron. He begins to iron his clothes and as I pass him.  I hit him with all my power in his face.  I exploded.  I was tired. The mental abuse, the cheating, was killing me.  I hit and he hit, and hit, and hit, and kicked and dragged me all over the apartment.   I had bruises from him kicking me.  He dragged me on the couch with his fist in the air, we both hear...."MOMMY!!!"    He stops.  He puts on his clothes and leaves.  I run into my daughters room.  She's there......crying.  She heard it all.

This "relationship" went off and on for another two years with one more episode of abuse where he pushed me into a closet and started to kick me.  What is worse, this relationship ended because he ended it. Not me but I never returned. He's come back years later with marriage proposals and apologizes. I never returned.

I was so abused mentally, I truly thought this was it, this was the best that love could offer for me. Understand, all this time I was empowering women to make healthy decisions about relationships.  I knew better but felt trapped.  I believed I loved him.  I believed these were isolated episodes.  Now, I watch him continue to be a womanizer.  I woke up.  I'm scarred but I'm aware.  I understand and have experienced Domestic Violence.  

Don't stay. Seek help. Don't be embarrassed.  I'm not embarrassed.  I'm free. I'm a survivor.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Why Willow is important?

We can argue all day long about her talent. We can even agree that she has access that the average person doesn't have [but its not her fault that her parents are who they are]. And we need to see the importance of a little girl who tells her mother, "I want to be free".  At nine, Willow embodies confidence that women my age are in therapy to obtain and yet its adults that talk about her ears, her hair, and her clothes.

This little girls loves herself and wants to celebrate it. I love it. I love seeing a little black girl saying she's cool in her skin. Its a very important message of empowerment for girls everywhere.

As written on the board in the "Whip Ya Hair" video - 

I pledge to be brave
I pledge to always give my best
I pledge to respect myself and all those around me
I pledge to be willing to learn and experience new things
I pledge to not be afraid to dream big and go for it

I'd rather for my daughter to whip her hair around and build her confidence than to mimic a Minaj or a Kardashian. But what we see is adults being upset because a 9 year old has access. We see adults being upset because a 9 year old has a mohawk.  We somehow assume that Jada and Will are bad parents because they are giving their children some of their wants whatever that maybe. We forget about Trey who is a football star and that they support him in the same manner. We put our children in dance class, football, soccer, pageants, etc. because we have access and we believe our children are capable.  I trust that Will and Jada will do no harm to their children as I do with any parent.

I've embraced her message for young girls wholeheartedly. I say continue to love yourself Willow and leave the naysayers to their own self-hate.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

P90X Day 1

Day 1 - Done. 

Third Eye

I had a Dream to Awaken my Third Eye and to Use it. 

As a Christian who believes in a direct experience with God [mysticism], this doesn't surprise me to have a dream such as this but I know that there would be others of the Christian faith who would give caution to such dreams. 

In Christian mysticism, meditation is embraced. 
Its about finding a deeper experience and connection with the Creator. 
I am thankful for the Dream. It helped me to realize I'm on the right path. 

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Cycle of the Day

Have you ever had those days where it cycles up and downs, the highs are high and the lows and somewhere down in hell waving at Satan's mean ass.

Clearly, I was off my mark, out of sync,  not with flow of the Universe and all that she required yesterday.  It wasn't a life changing day but it was an annoyance,  of small little, "blech", moments.  It was as if there was a spirit assigned just to throw pebbles, not to harm, but to keep my mind off the goal and then in between those points, good moments, good conversations, smiles. Bipolar like a mug.

I'm glad Tuesday is gone forever. Somethings have changed forever and some things have been birthed.

whatta day, whatta day.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Random thought: Toleration

A very uncomfortable feeling is that of toleration, someone enduring your presence because of moral obligation of some sort. Through discernment, a person would know and feel this and most likely feel insulted. Be accepting. Examine why there is a dislike for a situation or person, then look to resolve that issue.