Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I deserve

We many times have to give ourselves permission to live life on our own terms .  Its a difficult transition to move from living for the world and then remembering that you're a part of that world and deserve care, love, fairness, and honesty just as everyone else.

In August 2014, I became ill. I had pains in my legs that were hard to articulate mixed with the flu and a shot of lupron to reduce my hormones.  I was miserable.  It was very unexpected.  August was the month to prep for a scheduled surgery in September.  I had to make sure that my home was ready, that my daughter was ready, and my organization was ready.  Nothing was ready.  I found myself struggling to enjoy my trip to New York.  I recall walking from Afropunk to the subway and wondering if I would make it.  My legs were filled with pain.  Hot flashes came and went with no summer breeze to help remedy my own private summer.  Miserable.  Something was happening.  This something had been happening for a couple of years with odd illnesses and pain here and there.  August was hell.  I was frustrated.  My plans were crushed to hell.

As I moved into having surgery, a total hysterectomy (removal of my cervix and uterus;still have my ovaries), I once again thought about how would I continue to maintain my life while on my back.   Was my org going to be ok?  Was my daughter going to be fine?  I didn't ask if I would be fine or ok.   God has a way of making you listen to her/him fully and completely with no distractions.  In my recovery time, I remembered me.  I decided that my healing mattered not because I had things to do but because I mattered and that was enough.  CWUW will also be fine and its not fine, that's ok.  People will also be disappointed and that's ok too.  Those who love and support you, will do so.  They will be there.  And still, I deserve to have moments of doing nothing.   I deserve to watch mindless tv.  I deserve to long for dark chocolate.  I deserve to experience life as I choose. 

The removal of my uterus has been liberating.  I have no pain in my legs.  I have no pain in my hips.  No more excessive bleeding.  There's been a weigh lifted in my spirit and I didn't know it needed to be lifted.  When God says to sit, just sit.  Just do it.  Be enlightened by the quiet time. Being busy is overrated.  I want to experience the beauty of this earth as I still fight against the evil and I deserve to live that life on my terms and in full appreciation to all things God manifests.  My mistake are my own and I will manage them as you should manage yours.  I deserve good things.  I deserve a good life.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

My love is better than your love.



The interesting thing about being a heterosexual cisgender Christian female who supports Gay Marriage is that I understand the Constitution and how it SUPPOSE to work in this country.  As a Christian, it actually benefits me when religion isn't mixed with law.  I'm allowed to believe what I want and how I want. The moment we ask the gov't to intervene in religious matters, there is a can of worms that's hard to contain.  I understand the intention of the Constitution to allow the individual to pursue (or not) their own religious beliefs. Gay marriage does nothing to heterosexual marriage. NOTHING. You can still get married and divorce at the same rates you have been. 

  As Christians, you can still believe whatever you believe and follow whatever tenants you want.  That's the beauty of the Constitution.  Religious freedom means all have the right to believe in whatever manner you want, and worship whatever deity you'd like. Also, you don't have to believe in anything.  Christian heterosexuals- nothing changed for you on this day in Indiana.  You can move through your life with ease but we don’t get to tell anyone who to love.  That was not the charge of your leader, the Christ.  It’s purposed that we love our neighbors as ourselves.  If you believe that biblically that gay marriage is wrong, it’s ok.  You can continue to believe it but you don’t have the right to impose your religious beliefs on anyone.   

Today, I’m very surprised that the ban on gay marriage has been lifted in Indiana.  As a Christian, I’m very happy for those who get to gain governmental covering allowed for marriages.  I’m grateful for my friends who wanted a public display of their internal feelings.  As a Christian, I know that all I need to do is love.  That’s it.  This is a human rights issue and I’m sure Jesus would be for that.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

I woke this morning in good spirits and I remain there.

There's always a continuous fight for peace. People will try to rattle your spirit.

Fight. So no.



Sunday, June 8, 2014

What is a Community?

com·mu·ni·ty
kəˈmyo͞onitē/
noun
noun: community; plural noun: communities
  1. a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.
    "Rhode Island's Japanese community"

  2.     a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.
    "the sense of community that organized religion can provide"
     
     
     
    As a community worker, activist, or whatever label there is to describe the work being done, I wrestle with what is "community".  We are all a part of various types of communities: religious, neighborhood, racial, sexual orientation, frat/sororities etc.   I will admit to being the most critical of my community labeled as African American.  Because I'm solution based in my thinking and life, this is my expectation for this community I'm a part of because of my genetic make up, social experiences, and shared history.  The expectation is no different than from other community I'm involved with in my life.  I want to move and live in the Solution. 

    One of the most important actions one can take to bring about change and/or being solution driven is getting involved.  What are you doing to address the issue?  Something I learned in being a part of the HIV/AIDS community  now and particularly in the 90's is that every person counts in the cause.  I recall senior women baking cakes and cookies and bringing them to the center for the clients.  One volunteer knitted beautiful blankets for the clients and she gave me one that I still have with me.  Some can write checks.  Others cared for our dying clients.  It was the community that help to save lives for some and helped others die with dignity.  Ordinary people doing extraordinary things.    We know that as a community of African American men, women, and youth there is a long history of standing together and fighting together.  There was a community.  I'm not going to say that there aren't those who still stand together and try to look at the current needs of this community and bring about a solution based response to a number of issues and disparities.  We are here. We are trying.  We are really trying. 

     What are some of the issues and solutions?
    The amazing and yet sad thing about community work is there are just as many who are in this work for ego and praise.  This prevents successful partnership and collaboration if you're more worried about the placement of your logo on the flyer than the work to be done.  Getting "credit" and getting the shine for doing good comes organically. It comes.  At the end of the day, its about outcomes. What needs to be addressed? How will we address it? Who will help us address it? What is the time frame?  What resources do we have?  Ego has no place.  We all need to learn when to step up and just as importantly, to step back.  

    Another issue is that we only want to work with people who are our friends or family regardless of their work ethic.  This is frustrating.  Of course we should support our friends and family who have businesses who can do great work.  We harm ourselves when we don't hold each other accountable for our outputs and deliverables.   We also do each other a disservice when we don't pay each other for our worth and work.  Nothing wrong with a "hook up" here and there but shouldn't be an expectation.  For anyone to be successful at any task, accountability is necessary.  It should be given in a spirit of love and received the same way. We need to reach outside our circles of comfort and partner with those who are hard working.  Every one doesn't have to be your friend to be your partner in a cause. 

    Lastly,  those involved get to complain.  Too many complaining voices but so few who are involved. Its annoying.  Its troublesome.  I hear African Americans talk about how we collectively have a "crab in a barrel" mentality.  Ok, let's change it.   Let's move in a direction so this isn't just our way or reputation. We all have a place.  Sometimes is just making sure there are baked goods at the agency down the street or writing a check because you can.   Be a doer.  Change only comes with intentional action and movement.  I believe that we have ancestral memory.  History tells us we have always been together and we can't afford to break apart now not now, not ever.  
     
     
     



Sunday, April 27, 2014

window

To think that you couldn't say what you wanted to say at the moment you wanted to say it
That time when you thought I should just reach out and say and feel and explore


this.  whatever this is.  this.

To think you looked in my eyes and I stared back and we knew

something.  We knew that we knew

something.

But you couldn't say want you wanted to say at the moment you wanted to say it.
I never reached out. I didn't say a word. I didn't explore

you.

Maybe that time will  come back around, over lap in space  and we will have the right words, the right touches, the right something.

something.

If I.



What if I wasn't alive?


What if I never as a twinkling of anyone's eye?


What if I never got to smile, cry, laugh, love?


What if I never got to see my daughter's face or see my grandson being born?


What if no one loved me?

What if I couldn't take another breath?

The What ifs....I'm glad they never existed.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

And I cry....

I've never been much of a crier.  My sad moments have been normally just me locked away with music, a note book, and my thoughts.  I'm a quiet person. I'm introspective. I feel deeply but to cry, no.  At some point in my life, I decided that it wasn't for me. I don't know when.  I don't know where but I decided to suck it up and deal.

My mother and my daughter are people of emotion.  They value their emotions. They demand the right to express their feelings at any given moment.  They feel it and you know it. To be a person like me around all of that energy all the time is draining.  I felt I had to manage the results of the whirlwind of emotions that just swept through.  I was the clean up lady. What was damaged by my mom's anger?  How could I help my daughter through this new episode of an anxiety outbreak gone bad.  How did I come to feel I had to manage other people's emotions?  When did I become responsible? I don't know.

I have learned that I'm the queen of detachment. Maybe sexual abuse taught me that skill but I've learned to use it here and there.  Even in being the clean up woman, I learned not to take in what was happening. At least, I thought that's what I was doing.  Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we got this situation under control. With more recent events, I've learned, I never truly had anything under control and even more importantly, I've cried.  I've cried a lot.  My tears have been hidden from others for the most part until I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago.  As we talked about how I'm handling some of the issues in my life, the tears fell.  I didn't want them too. I heard myself whimper.  The tears kept falling as my feelings finally met the depths of my soul and the pain that has been there for years. I cried hard.

Throughout my life, I survive. I look for solutions to move on and move through and ignoring any attachment to a feeling or emotion.  Who has time for that? Let's get over this situation or moment.  We're not made that way.  Those feelings have to go somewhere and for me, they were being stored.  As I've gone through much stress related to my daughter's healing, its only compounded what was already there.  This isn't all about my daughter.  Its the lack of self care over the years.  Its ignoring the pain of lost loves, deaths, and disappoints and always feeling that I shouldn't and can't cry.  I remember going to a therapist about five years after my mom's death and him telling me that I haven't started grieving her death.  I disagreed with him. I felt I did all that I was supposed to do.  I did cry after her death but I also took care of everything.  I made sure everyone was ok. I took care of the estate. I was also unemployed and I had just ended a 7 year relationship.  There was so much loss but I kept on moving forward because life didn't give me a break and I didn't take one. You have to keeping on keeping on, right?  As my friend told me, "Rhonda, you survive but you never recover". 

Through my tears I've begun a journey of healing past wounds I thought had healed and assuring new wounds get their proper care.  There are benefits to crying and I finally see why my mother and daughter fought for their moments to feel whatever they were feeling.  To release all of that emotion into the Universe is rewarding.  Going forward, in my walk through mental wellness, I will celebrate my tears and my deep cries and know that this is just a stepping stone to a healed soul.


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