Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I deserve

We many times have to give ourselves permission to live life on our own terms .  Its a difficult transition to move from living for the world and then remembering that you're a part of that world and deserve care, love, fairness, and honesty just as everyone else.

In August 2014, I became ill. I had pains in my legs that were hard to articulate mixed with the flu and a shot of lupron to reduce my hormones.  I was miserable.  It was very unexpected.  August was the month to prep for a scheduled surgery in September.  I had to make sure that my home was ready, that my daughter was ready, and my organization was ready.  Nothing was ready.  I found myself struggling to enjoy my trip to New York.  I recall walking from Afropunk to the subway and wondering if I would make it.  My legs were filled with pain.  Hot flashes came and went with no summer breeze to help remedy my own private summer.  Miserable.  Something was happening.  This something had been happening for a couple of years with odd illnesses and pain here and there.  August was hell.  I was frustrated.  My plans were crushed to hell.

As I moved into having surgery, a total hysterectomy (removal of my cervix and uterus;still have my ovaries), I once again thought about how would I continue to maintain my life while on my back.   Was my org going to be ok?  Was my daughter going to be fine?  I didn't ask if I would be fine or ok.   God has a way of making you listen to her/him fully and completely with no distractions.  In my recovery time, I remembered me.  I decided that my healing mattered not because I had things to do but because I mattered and that was enough.  CWUW will also be fine and its not fine, that's ok.  People will also be disappointed and that's ok too.  Those who love and support you, will do so.  They will be there.  And still, I deserve to have moments of doing nothing.   I deserve to watch mindless tv.  I deserve to long for dark chocolate.  I deserve to experience life as I choose. 

The removal of my uterus has been liberating.  I have no pain in my legs.  I have no pain in my hips.  No more excessive bleeding.  There's been a weigh lifted in my spirit and I didn't know it needed to be lifted.  When God says to sit, just sit.  Just do it.  Be enlightened by the quiet time. Being busy is overrated.  I want to experience the beauty of this earth as I still fight against the evil and I deserve to live that life on my terms and in full appreciation to all things God manifests.  My mistake are my own and I will manage them as you should manage yours.  I deserve good things.  I deserve a good life.

1 comment:

Victorious said...

I've missed reading you. I'm glad you took care of yourself. You have to trust that you have laid out enough of a foundation for others around you to continue to grow.