Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

This is something I'll never comprise again. NEVER.


This has been an interesting year.

The beginning of 2008 was all about the "Next Phase". I turned 40 and I'm emotionally sound and I've never been better in terms of my faith. So what did the Next Phase bring?

CWUW blossoming. In 2008, busted my ass to get the organizational structure of CWUW sound. I'm still not where I want to be but we are good. I've been able to recruit some awesome women to be a part of the org. I think I'm most proud of me completely the 501c3 application. The application itself use to be more simple. They have changed ALOT. It made me think strategically about CWUW and our programs. That was hardwork. I thought about folks hiring attorneys to complete that app and paying hundreds of dollars. I did good!.

Of course Life Jam was a wonderful success for CWUW. It was a learning experience. I'm no concert promoter and I don't want to be BUT we were able to put together a show with a cool vibe and get the word out about CWUW. I'm pleased.

The kid. My daughter continues to be the laziest chick on the planet. She is always late....for everything but damn it, if that's all I can complain about......I'm good. I know I have blogged heavily about the Kid but she is so awesome. I love her so much and I've done a good ass job...ha! Syd has gone through the valley with me and came out of it smelling like roses. She is grounded and has common sense about life. She knows who she is. This doesn't mean I don't have to go at her like a momma will but she's a great young woman.

New gig. Moved from being a grants writing back to program management. Girls Inc is very technology friendly. I'm very pleased with the training I've been receiving. You don't find too many nonprofits who make use of technology as they do. Heading to a Webinar training next week. :) I'm happy with move...thus far.

The Back. Because of stress, my back decided to do its own thing in 2008. I had back spasms so severe that I would be laid out of the floor, unable to move and no one to call to help. HORRIBLE. I stopped doing any major working out. Began Yoga that has helped but because of the lack of cardio, I've gained 20lbs this year. YIKES!!!

Friendships. This has been an interesting year for friendships. I don't know what to really say. Its bee up and down. Its been me going....wha? I've said it many times. I take the word "friend" seriously. If I use it I mean it. 2008 has made me realize how much I love my friends. They are special.

I'll add more later......but 2008 was good. There were some hits but I'll recover and move on in 2009.

No more cake please....

One of the major things about being an adult is knowing when to say yes and no. We think because we're adults its suppose to be so very easy to just push things aside that we want. Its difficult. I'm pushing away from the table today. All my favs are there but I can't partake any longer. I love the desserts especially. I do have a sweet tooth but I've learned to more....but thanks.

Desire is a strong thing. I think it can lead to love, pleasure, joy, and happiness. It can also lead to pain if its misguided. A desire is a longing for, a wish, or even strong intention. Its a STRONG emotion. Why would anyone want to overcome this thing called "Desire"? I DON'T but as I stated before, sometimes it needs to be put on the back burner for more important things. That sucks, huh? Its real.

I really like any ice cream with toffee ESPECIALLY coffee. If I see some toffee ice cream, its very hard for me to walk pass but I've learned to walk away. Can't have it all the time. The desire never really leaves you. I still LOVE toffee ice cream but I know, I can't have it.

Sometimes I think whatever you're longing for is a little of what you need at times. Personally, I don't think anyone can MAKE you desire something. Its in your heart. I have a sweet tooth. Its there but today I have to push way from the table. I have to say NOPE to my desires until its a better situation for me.

no more cake.

Friday, December 26, 2008


What a week!

I complete the application for the org. I was feeling my oats (as my mom would say). I was smiling and crying and proud. Then its like the weirdest stuff started happening.

We had the darkness over us but not in a negative way...if that makes any sense. Me, Syd and some family members felt really heavy this season. It was hard. I was pissed that I couldn't just enjoy the season. We were all cryin' and stuff. I'm watching the Wiz and there goes Diana singing Home and there I go....CRYING. My know the Caddy, was doing some funky stuff too. I'm like....Wha?

We get through the Christmas day and then the Kid had a horrible evening with someone stealing her purse. I wasn't shook but I was tired. It was all annoying. I'm like...ugh...but the day was filled with God speaking to me.

I received a long message from a woman on myspace who read my entire blog and was inspired. I was like...Whoa. It was a wonderful message and a blessing. It reminded me why I continue to do this. It made me smile and I was able to offer some encouragement to her. Then the Kid came and gave me the biggest hug. She let me know how lucky she felt to have a mom she can talk with and come to about anything. I smiled. Then I received another message but this time on facebook from someone who I've never spoken with....really. It was as if he was prophesing, something I've become a little leery of at times. It really was amazing.

God is letting me know I'm good and he is with me. I'm not depressed any of that BUT its tiresome to always be in problem solving mode. When I want to unplug...I really unplug. (not good. keep me

The journey continues....this Christmas was an interesting one.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Spiritual Encounters

I believe God is closer than we make him. So many think he's in another place or only peeks in at various times. He is ever present. He knows and sees everything we do. He knows our motives. He knows our hearts.

That's a little spooky, huh? We think we are just here and we will deal with God and his judgment later but have every expectation that his love is in the NOW. Now God's damnation is later. As we live, we have the opportunity to grow and learn and ask for forgiveness but we do reap what we sow. God's laws are universal and work all the time. Plant your seeds wisely. Your deeds are your seeds.

But what is so wonderful about God is his mercy for us. His measure of mercy does vary from person to person because our journeys are different. This does cause some folks strife. They want to know why one person can get off for murder and someone else gets life. God finds a way for us to still fulfill his plan even when we mess up. We're also given a measure of forgiveness based on how we forgive. REMEMBER this.


• Unforgiveness is a malignant cancer in our spirit. If you do not forgive, that little piece of unforgiveness will metastasize and spread to other relationships and attitudes ultimately rendering you a HARD, BITTER individual. You see, to cherish hurt, to sustain unforgiveness invites a spirit of unforgiveness into our lives. Like all demonic forces it seeks to gain supreme control over you. The unforgiving person is ultimately POSSESSED by a bitter, unforgiving spirit and it colors their whole lives.

• We can't be forgiven by God until we forgive others. That's the message of the parable. That's the message of Mt. 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

So we must think about how we deal with others, how we treat others and how we think about and relate to God. He is watching.

I was so very quiet last night. I woke up with an inner voice speaking so loudly and softly reminding I'm so loved and that I'm being watched and I will be rewarded in time. I don't know if you believe that God speaks but I do. That voice is what I follow and believe in. My heart is troubled when I KNOW I'm being disobedient to what God wants for me. We all need to heed to those spooky, spiritual encounters. The inner man many times is the truth within.

I want everyone to feel the love of God. I want everyone to know there is a spiritual realm so very active and alive. This is the side of Christianity that bothers me. The faith doesn't do enough to talk about the LIVING GOD and his Kingdom that is active and working. We have been given the power to actively participate in this kingdom now. The Mystics believe this. Even the Essenes believed in a more spiritual relationship with Yeshua the Christ.

God is Alive. He is Real. He wants you to come alive in Him. He wants you to learn and grow in the universal laws he's established. He wants us to STOP thinking about our needs and let him do that. He wants us to care for his people and his earth. Embrace the spooky. Embrace God's voice. He's always talking, if you would just be quiet. Rid yourself of SELFISHNESS, the curse of this generation. How many have given to people we don't like OR that giving to them has no return in anyway (I mean it does spiritually but...still)? Selfishness and Fear - Two things that kill the spirit and many dreams.

God is Love.

He loves you.

I love you.

I'm your servant.

As Jesus washed the feet of the disciples, I grab my water and lovingly wash the feet of my enemies and God's people.

Have a wonderful New Year!

Merry Christmas

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

This holiday is still a struggle but we are making the best.

I truly hope we remember that this maybe a rough Christmas for so many families out of work during this season. Pray for them and remember them on this day.

Peace and Love!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mind Me

You notice me and don't look my way.
You play coy
You play games
I walk pass
moving the pawn
as I continue the round about
stirring you
moving you
never need to say
another word

I'm still in.

(this is sorta weak...I'll fix it)

Following Clevawords

This blog is a way of expressing my inner workings. I've blogged for about 3-4 years now. I've been blessed for the notes and messages I've received that my journey has helped others deal. If you're reading my blog to be nosy, you're in the wrong spirit.

I'm not going to make any revelations about anyone specific EVER that would cause harm! I do love the guessing. :/

As life changes so drastically next year, I'm sure my blogs both here and on myspace will reflect this journey.

I'm glad God has helped me to understand the importance of being transparent without being inappropriate.

bloggin' bloggin' bloggin'


For the past 6 months, I put off writing the application for CWUWs 501c3. I tried to hire someone and that always failed. I knew it was meant for me to write it.

Today, when I started writing the check, I actually started crying and my hands started shaking. I sat there and just said, "It is done." It's taken me literally 8 years just to get to this point. I've had to go through ALOT to get here. Believe me, there were many distractions but made it. I pushed through my own self doubt and just believed that this is about God and not me (as I've always believed).

It was a moment of knowing I've been wholeheartedly working on the journey and willing taking the hits. Unfortunately, I've had to learn this year that I have to guard my spirit. This aches me but I know what needs to be done. As CWUW grows, more vampires, parasites, manipulators, etc will be ready to pounce and destroy either me or CWUW. When my cousin told me that I wasn't healed from the Valley completely, that really through me. I felt solid this year but I think she's right. I'm still the wounded fighter just willing to take the hit just so I won't fall but God wants me to know I can go and heal and comeback as a new champion.

Today is a good day. Today has provided me with such revelation. My spirit is so connected with God who got me here. I know he believed in me...again. I mean, folks get PAID for completing those apps for organizations so I'm proud. I can rest for a moment. We have some curriculum to develop for 2009, an event to plan (maybe), and volunteers to train. God is letting me know not everyone can go on the journey, some aren't equipped for whatever reason. Some have taken the connection and abused it and some are right with me. I value those that have treated me well and believe in me. I will no longer allow the slightest disrespect to me personally. I've allowed it...for some reason. I've played "NICE" this year. NOPE. No more.

I will not become a "Bitch" because its not me but I will be quite assertive in addressing the BS when it comes instead of letting people think I can't see it but that I've just accepted it. We all reap what is sown....including me. There are some seeds i was trying to plant in various people, situations, etc and they fell on dead ground and not always by my doing. I will watch my steps.

I am a beautiful person. :) I am human. I have feelings. I am real.

I'm pleased.

Very pleased with me.

Daughter Daughter

the sweet smile
on your face
is like the dawn
the breath
and life of a new day
you are love
you are the wings of a eagle
you are the Heart of God
your eternal light is powerful
making any demon
flee his perch
you are my greatest creation
my finest work
I give you to the world
and loved
I now watch you move from
and I know
you will be fine

like a bird

Lasting through the rain
birds find shelter
and food
The storm will cease
and they know
so they rest
to fly again
another day

changin' jerseys

3 strikes and you're out!

nah nah nah
nah nah nah nah
hey hey hey


Sunday, December 21, 2008

The beat down

First let me say that I LOVE my cousin. She really is my sister. We have the same vibe and we are each others love as we move through life both being motherless children.

I've been able to really reconnect with her in the past few months. She's been living in NYC for 20 years and doesn't make it back home too often. She is my voice and my mirror. I can depend on her to say just want I NEED to hear with no fluff (cuz i hate that).

I got the beat down. This goes along with the Baby I'm a star blog. She keeps reminding me that I'm still healing from the crap of the past and stop thinking I'm so incredibly there just yet. I still have work to do and at the same time, letting me know that I'm FLY.

I say that all the time but like anyone....some days I don't feel it. The 20lbs weight this year is reeking havoc on my mental thing. HAVOC......and because of it, I've made some dumb decsions and I've allowed some to think they have some sorta control...even if its a little bit. No...ya don't.

I needed to hear it and feel it. She kicked me and loved on me at the same time. That's a REAL friend/sister/cousin.


not editing my says what it says....

Saturday, December 20, 2008


I woke up with a bad headache.

Didn't get much sleep.

Cell phone died. The insurance folks didn't have a comparable phone so I had to get a new one.

Bills, Bills, Bills....

I'm singing that tune a lot lately.

Taking time to manage the household, Syd and our future.

I woke up with a bad headache

My back is better. I've done the right things to heal myself

but I've gained 20lbs.

Need to adjust my thinking about it again.

Finding it very hard to take the positivity being given to me
this week.

Had a person tell me, "You're going to be so successful"

okayyyyy :/

I'll adjust.

I woke up with a bad headache.

Making some hard decisions and trusting God in the decision.

Foolishly I stayed too long. Foolishly I allowed but be made a fool of.....

Lesson learned.


I woke up with a bad headache.

2009 is going to be challenging.

Day job


College for the kid

I'm tired before the year has even begun

but I'm up of it all.

I know I can do it.

time for rest.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Proverbial Open Door

Have you heard the saying, "When one door closes, another one opens"?


Or do we hope that what happens?

What if the door has been opened and you've closed it yourself or you keep walking by it as if to say you don't need that door, so you'll take the next one.

Does another one really open?

I've said it myself and I 've used it to keep myself from thinking an opportunity has gotten away but I wonder if we need to learn a lesson, why would God open another door? hmmmm.....

God presents an look at it and ignore it OR you don't think you need it....or should respond to it.

You leave it alone.

God presents the same opportunity again......same thing....

at what point does God say...ok...door is closed?

Its like the guy drowning and God sends the plane, the boat, etc.

Does God keep sending the planes and boats?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Baby I'mma Star??

I think this is deja vu. I think I didn't a blog by the same title which only means I didn't mean it the first go around. Today, my cousin smacked me in the face. She basically let me have it but with love. I think it clicked when she called me a Star and not just any Star a BIG Star. I sorta laughed but I knew what she was saying. It wasn't just some sisterly hype but she was telling me that I need to think bigger. She was saying that I need to kill some of the humility and know that God has Big things for me. She was reminding that others can see it and want it and will suck me dry if I allowed them. (hmmmm...did a blog about vampires)

I guess I needed it. I guess I think of myself as regular ole Rhonda and I'm not that, I guess. I know a friend was telling about "the dude". I swear everyone on the planet feels I need to be with someone. (shrug) The friend had this very specific type of dude, confidient, driven, mover/shaker type. mmmm'ok. (shrug) I guess I first need to believe the hype. I have to come out of my shell (really didn't know I was in one) and believe I am a STAR.

Now, I believe I have my purpose and I'm driven towards it. I think we all do but some aren't as driven or get lost in other nonsense or just sit idle but we all have a purpose so why should I feel special. ahhhhhhhhhh....maybe that's what cuz was talking about. Maybe I'm special? That's weird. LOL....I'm just Rhonda.

I don't know. I need to walk through this some more. I'm definitely going to really start taking a hard look at my cypher, world of people. Some just have to go.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I went back and I've read my blogs (here and on myspace) and what a journey. I'm still complaining about stuff. I'm still a little too judgmental about a few things but I can see my growth. I don't think through what I write, its all from the gut. Its all from the moment. I appreciate all the comments I do receive (mostly in private) and I make no apology for anything I've written. Its all about me. Its about my journey and where I am at the moment. I could be full of it. I could be on some bogus rhetoric. I could be hurt. I could be misguided. With all of that said, its all me and its all honest.

Its clear that I'm on some lunacy some days. I look back and laugh. I find it even more humorous that some still think certain blogs are about them. (Arrognance..ha). This has been a joyous adventure. I don't mind being transparent on certain topics. Its all good. This has been the best therapy and I'll continue forward.


I read my recent ramblings and giggle. That was someone who was on the computer for close to 7 hours exploding. I'm better now. YIKES!!


Countdown - The Kid will be 18 very soon!!!

YAY!!! I love her. I think she is the one person I know who loves me wholeheartedly. She is a blessing.


more to come!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Rhonda has some shit to say......ramble on!

I'm not going through and editing anything.....I'm writing tired and sleepy but its all from the heart. I'm going to let all the typos, misspellings, verb tense issues...let it all be. This the vibe. Deal.

I'm here thinking about me. I'm thinking about work, the day gig. I can see why I'm there as far as career and how it will help with CWUW. They are very technology based. They take advantage of all new uses for communicating with others across the country. They will help me to also step up my training game, making sure I'm thorough and effective. As much as I'm ready to quit any day gig, I know I need this gig.

But there are times of my "focus" keeps me isolated and makes me appear stand-offish. My day gig is secondary to CWUW. If I have stuff to do with CWUW, it gets done first without apology. Is that wrong? Probably. Its my attitude on the job. I'm nice to folks. I chat with folks but I'm also not bothered with stuff as well. My every moment is for God's mission but I wonder if I'm annoying to be My world is: The Kid, CWUW, the gig and some music on occasion. I wonder if that's it.

I'm having an introspective moment tonight.


There's a lesson I've learned some time ago about watching the people you hang with (and I think God is monitoring this for me) and the lesson is this, people who don't have shit going around you will make you lazy. I know if there is anyone that comes into my world and they are just bouncing through life with no focus, living day to day, and really don't know what they want, they are removed. I don't even have to do it. God just keeps them away. I do need to work on not being so judgmental. I know I am. Sucks.

I've never dated a man that wasn't driven or focused...NEVER. Weird. Any friend that seems to be lost in their way.....separate from me. Maybe it says I'm easily distracted but I think that we have to surround ourselves with the type of people we aspire to be. It keeps us growing. America has been dumbed down so much that its annoying. I think its nice to be culturally aware to be relevant but so what. Trivia is good for Trivial pursuit. I try to be well rounded - little politics, arts, business, etc. but knowledge is useless if isn't being used. How do you edify your world by just hording knowledge? If I know something, I'm using it to edify my neighbor. We are here for others and not for ourselves. So I'm sure God is keeping me with like minded folks. He is keeping me away from floaters which is different from being a Free Spirit.

I think there are people who are floaters that think they are Free Spirits. Free Spirit is a nonconformist. Soooooooooooo many people think that's who they are but conform all over the place. Floaters say they are Free Spirits because they can't get their shit together or have no clue. Free spirits are actually focused in their desire to be, well, Free. Its purposed. Their nonconformity has been thought through. They know why they aren't conforming. They understand they rules of the game and why they don't want to play. Floaters really don't understand. They are just lost and find the easy way out. Its annoying. LOL....and yes, I'm judgmental and I've spoken with God about it. But he knows enough to keep floaters away. Interesting.....

My next beef.....


It troubles my soul when I'm being untrue to myself. There are definite situations lately where I've not been Honest with myself. That's bull. I really try to be honest about me and whatever situation is going around me. I think I play with fire to much. Its fun and exciting but getting burned is a part of the game. I'm starting to burn. I need to be honest with myself. I guess I am now. :)


I've always been VERY selective about who I call Friend. I wasn't that child who that everyone was my friend. I don't befriend others friends and this has had folks pissed at me. I take it very serious. If I call you a friend, I mean that shit. Friendship to me means that I'm in your corner. I'll be true to you and value you. I'll respect you. I'll never be embarrassed to call you my friend. I know people. I hang out with people but that doesn't mean they are my FRIEND. They are cool. So when I person identifies me as their friend...I do expect the same treatment but basically, folks don't know really what a friend is. Its all bullshit. Don't call me a friend if you don't mean that shit. Plan and simple.

Tonight, I'm going to ask God to provide me with compassion. I'm going to ask for forgiveness. I'm going to pray for my friends AND my enemies. I'm going to keep pushing through all of this alone. A person I know keeps telling me I need a dude but I think God is waiting for the right time. 2009 will the busiest year of my life. In the first 6 months I'll be travelling for the day gig, CWUW will have its tax determination, the kid will be graduating and there will be two CWUW major events. Where would the dude fit in? Just for sex? God has to prepare a special dude for me I think. Not saying I'm better than anyone but I do know that I'm a special needs child of God (ahahahaha). I'm a very strong woman. I don't breakdown over things. A friend told me that I needed to be more emotional in times of crisis because thats what men respond to. Yeah...ok. :/ If I'm crying over somthing, I've jumped. If I'm asking for help or advice, that's me on the ledge. The dude will know to offer the hug, the advice, the compasssion, etc. and not give me the "You'll be alright. You're strong' bullshit speech. Every man I've known in my LIFE...even my mom has done that to me. My strength can be a damn curse. There's two people that jump in and they know when I'm overwhelmed before I even say it and that's the Kid and my friend Yo in NYC. I'm believing "the dude" will as well. I'm not emotional like that. I'm not going to crumble. I think its so lame that I have to cry before someone will through the line. So you have to drown before you actually get saved....whatever.

So this "dude", whomever it maybe...will be solid. I'm not going out hunting him down. Hell maybe I know him already. I don't know. I just know that I'm fucking awesome and I'm a blessing. (lol@me) rambling is going to get me in trouble if I keep writing.

good night.

Monday, December 8, 2008


Faith and Obedience

Sometimes its not even Fear but YOU that hinders progression. God sits back and watches us get in the way of our own blessings all the time. We blame others, situations and we even blame Fear. All are great scapegoats. Its simple. Its us.

I know for me, the moment I stop listening to God, all hell breaks loose in my life. Sometimes God wants to guide me in the simplest tasks and I want to get in the way. "I got this God! Move!" God will say, ok, go for it. Failure comes quickly afterwards. I've delayed so many things in life from disobedience. I stayed in relationships and on jobs too long because I thought I knew better. I remember telling God how much I lovveeeedddeed my ex and God saying, "so". He kept saying, he's not the one even though he looked like it. God was simply whispering to me to move on because he had something bigger and better for me and my future. I paid dearly. I had to admit it was me. Humility will always help to move you back towards obedience.

Obedience is so difficult in the face of our desires but God has a way to make it all work out. We have to walk in faith at all times. We have to be obedient even when it looks NUTS. We have to stay humble knowing that all good things come from above. We have to give, give, and give some more. Get out of ourselves and go help someone else. Service is a wonderful thing.

We can know we are talented. I know I'm skilled in certain things but I know I can't do anything with my talents without guidance from God.

I also can not fear success. I've had two people tell me the same vision about CWUW. That was some freaky stuff. I was told at different times and it was so weird. After they told me what they saw, they both said they are glad its not them. The vision was too big. I was like.."huh"? The fear of success is great. The fear of great responsibility is great. I know I'm a success and I'm a struggling single mother. My current circumstances have nothing to do with what God has for me in the future. I can't look at my bank account and base my success on that. What report does God have for me?

I pray for all of my friends and family members working through their visions. Stay faithful. God hears you.

My favorite Psalms is Psalms 34 (with some of my favorite verses highlighted):

When you're troubled, study David. He was a hot mess but always worshipped the Lord.

1 I WILL bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My life makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble and afflicted hear and be glad.
3 O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
4 I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant; their faces shall never blush for shame or be confused.
6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him [who revere and worship Him with awe] and each of them He delivers.
8 O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.
9 O fear the Lord, you His saints [revere and worship Him]! For there is no want to those who truly revere and worship Him with godly fear.
10 The young lions lack food and suffer hunger, but they who seek (inquire of and require) the Lord [by right of their need and on the authority of His Word], none of them shall lack any beneficial thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you to revere and worshipfully fear the Lord.
12 What man is he who desires life and longs for many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good; seek, inquire for, and crave peace and pursue (go after) it!
15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the [uncompromisingly] righteous and His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles.
18 The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.
19 Many evils confront the [consistently] righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall cause the death of the wicked; and they who hate the just and righteous shall be held guilty and shall be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the lives of His servants, and none of those who take refuge and trust in Him shall be condemned or held guilty.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


As I'm developing CWUW, I'm learning that its been mostly men that have been helpful in my journey. Most of the females who have helped were my friends. This is surprising and disappointing. I'm trying not to question the motivation of some of the men to help but its apparent.

Basically, I just want to do my thing, help others do their thing when I can and receive the appropriate help. This side bar thing is really nuts. As much as I hate networking, I understand it as a skill. Folks like to stay within their sphere of friends and call that 'networking'. I think you also have folks who don't take advantage of opportunities when presented but I'm sure complain that opportunities are limited. Now, I'm not perfect. Sometimes my introverted personality will have me stay home when I should go out and support others projects and network. All of that is very draining for me. Thanksgiving alone had me in the house for a day just to unplug. I had to stop going out to shows because it was draining. This is real but no excuse. I have to do better in supporting others in person.

So if we have the opportunity to change Indy no matter the industry, we all need to pay it forward, respond, support, and get rid of fear. Fear is the biggest problem with folks. Some will only go so far because of it.

We have to watch ourselves. My sistas have to do better.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


My daily drive is to serve you
you are mighty
you are my first Love
Everyday I see your presence
and I long to see your Face,
to be touched by your hand and
to sing your praises

I'm sadden by those who are too
embarrassed admit you exist
They are missing a powerful
love no man or woman can provide
Your vision is my vision
Your plan is my plan
I'm here to love you
and to serve my brothers and sisters
with all of my might

There are days I may fail
There are days I retreat to my inner being
not wanting anyone to come in
and you comfort me
Thank you for choosing me


So I'm driving home and the roads were icy. I pass over the bridge heading not far from my home and my car begins to spin.

I'm thankful no cars were coming from the opposite direction. I gain control of the car and get back into the lane and BAM, I'm hit hard from behind.

I'm shook.

I get out and look at the car. Some paint off the bumper and no other visible damage. The other chick was fine as well.

Called the insurance company and took care of all of that but still had to wait 2 hours for the police. They were cool but a little irritated they were called because no one was hurt and there was no huge damage.

There was a moment of me not wanting to take care of this. I'm like....DAMN. I just didn't want to be an adult.

But this morning, I woke up still shaken a bit by this accident. I couldn't understand why but God does provide some revelation. Me and Syd still have this anxiety about something happening to the other. She just told me that she "NEEDS" me to live until I'm 90 because I'm all she has. That weighs on me a lot. I can't afford to be in any accidents if that makes any sense. I know if I was even slightly hurt, the kid would have lost her little mind.

Its an unhealthy stress I've put on myself but I need to acknowledge its there. I'm thankful that I'm not hurt. I'm thankful the car is basically fine. I'm thankful God was very present last night. He knows we are still grieving from multiple deaths in the family and he knows we are better than we use to be. I am thankful I have the love of my child and I do pray she releases her fear of losing me. I need to let go of trying to control every thing so that nothing will happen to me for her sake.

So, revelation is a good thing. Gratitude for the smallest of things sometimes takes you the farthest.