Monday, June 10, 2013

I Cried.

Today, I went to the doctor's office and patiently waiting for him to come in with my results.  Testing for this mysterious illness began last year with getting my gall bladder tested.  I actually prayed for a result, an outcome, a diagnosis.  Who does that? Who prays for a diagnosis?

Rhonda does.  I'm tired of feeling poorly.  I'm ready for healing.

Doctor walks in and says - "We found nothing!"   I believe he thought I would say YAY!!  Instead, I cried.  My doctor is one of those to the point types.  He didn't get emotional with me which was for the best.  He said, "We'll figure this out."   I made him read everything.  Gluclose. Thyroid, and all the other tests - all normal, all GREAT, actually.  I'm really healthy. 

So what is wrong with me?  I asked him about stress.  I asked him to repeat what gastritis really means.  The doc reminded me that chronic stress can reap havoc on your body. But he was determined to get a diagnosis other than some stress.  He gave me a referral to a GI doctor.  I left sadden.

What truly keeps running through my head was that all of this is stress related.  My girlfriend asked me if I'm dealing with my "gut".  She asked me if I'm not moving in my intuition.  She asked me if I'm denying myself access to my true feelings about myself, life, love, etc.  She said that my gut is messed up because I'm not addressing the things related to the "gut" - intuition, personal power (Chakra talk - solar plexus).

I'm wondering if stress is having her way with me. Is she trying to take up residence with in me, emotionally and spiritually?   Its clear I have been under a large amount of stress.  Its clear I need a release.  Do I keep looking for this "diagnosis" or do I say, let me try dealing fully with my emotional and mental health concerns.  I am blessed that can say that I'm healthy.  The doctor wasn't concerned with the weight gain.  It told me I have bigger concerns (emotionally) than my weight.  That was deep for me.  Deep.

As I went to the car, I started to cry again.  No, I'm not dealing with PMS or some hormonal shift.  It was out of confusion. It was a release. But understand, I became angry with my tears.  I felt weak in my tears.  Then my spirit spoke to me.  Guess what? I was sad and weak and it was ok to cry.  It was ok

This "illness" is real and its tangible but its symptomatic.  God has provided a shield for my physical wellness only allowing enough for me pay attention.  So I have to decide if I'm going to the GI doctor.  I do know that I need to continue therapy and find a new way of loving myself that is beyond just care-giving.  Being fully in love with myself by providing unlimited self-care to myself, for my lifetime.

I have so much gratitude.  When I find myself in a dark place, I know that God is moving me from grace to grace, from faith to faith.  I've talked too much.  Heal, Rhon and cry.  Its ok. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Lost my way.

Its been so long since I've blogged on this site. Once again, I've taken a break from my public blogging in exchange for my private journal.  The past two years have challenged me. My inner strength feels weaken.  I actually don't feel like myself but in truth, I haven't felt like myself in a long time. 

I won't say much about specific experiences during this past couple of years but let's just say I've never been so faced or challenged to address my own mental health.  I've always been keenly aware of my emotions due to my bulimia.  I thought I was operating in a balanced existence.  I thought I was honestly facing the internal battles that plagued my soul.  I wasn't.  My spirit has labored.  My mind drained.  My body damaged.  I was doing the opposite.  I've used my work as an escape for my sadness.  I didn't allow myself to FEEL during these past couple of years. I wanted to get to the solutions and move forward.  I wanted to move in darkness.  God has his/her own way of awakening the spirit. Its not always pretty.

I will admit to loneliness.  I will admit to confusion.  I will admit to some fear. These are the very things I never want to be a part of my life.  I value alone time but the absence of my mother, being away from my closest friends, and dealing with recent trauma has brought on these feelings.  I have to check in with others to even validate my emotions and feelings as just and appropriate.  That's not healthy.  Its reality though, for now anyway. God is not making this easy.  I'm in the fire.  No milk, only meat.  I have to chew on this.  I have to face all of this.  No choices.

Past blogs same similar things which means I've been on this same lukewarm space for a minute.  I'm existing and not living.  I've convinced myself that I am.  God has shown me otherwise.   I'm at a low point.  The natural fighter in me truly doesn't want to get back into the ring.  I'm waving a flag.  Let me go seat down for a minute.  I've gots to chill.   But my spirit says otherwise.  Its time for a different kind of training and rethinking.   The process has begun but I'm moving in a slow and steady pace.  I'm moving in faith and hope.  I'm walking in healing.   Being lost doesn't mean you can't be found.  I have to reroute my gps and do things very differently.   I know better.  Emotionally, I've tried to stay in this seemingly comfortable way of living.   The Spirit who lives within me says No More.  Can't pour new wine into old wineskin.   I have to be renewed.  I must love me more than....

Where do I go from here?  Each day, I have to set a goal for myself.  I have to do.  I believe in my restoration. 

Health and healing are mine.  Happiness is a part of my life. 

God comes for his/her lost.