Sunday, June 9, 2013

Lost my way.

Its been so long since I've blogged on this site. Once again, I've taken a break from my public blogging in exchange for my private journal.  The past two years have challenged me. My inner strength feels weaken.  I actually don't feel like myself but in truth, I haven't felt like myself in a long time. 

I won't say much about specific experiences during this past couple of years but let's just say I've never been so faced or challenged to address my own mental health.  I've always been keenly aware of my emotions due to my bulimia.  I thought I was operating in a balanced existence.  I thought I was honestly facing the internal battles that plagued my soul.  I wasn't.  My spirit has labored.  My mind drained.  My body damaged.  I was doing the opposite.  I've used my work as an escape for my sadness.  I didn't allow myself to FEEL during these past couple of years. I wanted to get to the solutions and move forward.  I wanted to move in darkness.  God has his/her own way of awakening the spirit. Its not always pretty.

I will admit to loneliness.  I will admit to confusion.  I will admit to some fear. These are the very things I never want to be a part of my life.  I value alone time but the absence of my mother, being away from my closest friends, and dealing with recent trauma has brought on these feelings.  I have to check in with others to even validate my emotions and feelings as just and appropriate.  That's not healthy.  Its reality though, for now anyway. God is not making this easy.  I'm in the fire.  No milk, only meat.  I have to chew on this.  I have to face all of this.  No choices.

Past blogs same similar things which means I've been on this same lukewarm space for a minute.  I'm existing and not living.  I've convinced myself that I am.  God has shown me otherwise.   I'm at a low point.  The natural fighter in me truly doesn't want to get back into the ring.  I'm waving a flag.  Let me go seat down for a minute.  I've gots to chill.   But my spirit says otherwise.  Its time for a different kind of training and rethinking.   The process has begun but I'm moving in a slow and steady pace.  I'm moving in faith and hope.  I'm walking in healing.   Being lost doesn't mean you can't be found.  I have to reroute my gps and do things very differently.   I know better.  Emotionally, I've tried to stay in this seemingly comfortable way of living.   The Spirit who lives within me says No More.  Can't pour new wine into old wineskin.   I have to be renewed.  I must love me more than....

Where do I go from here?  Each day, I have to set a goal for myself.  I have to do.  I believe in my restoration. 

Health and healing are mine.  Happiness is a part of my life. 

God comes for his/her lost. 

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