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I Cried.

Today, I went to the doctor's office and patiently waiting for him to come in with my results.  Testing for this mysterious illness began last year with getting my gall bladder tested.  I actually prayed for a result, an outcome, a diagnosis.  Who does that? Who prays for a diagnosis?

Rhonda does.  I'm tired of feeling poorly.  I'm ready for healing.

Doctor walks in and says - "We found nothing!"   I believe he thought I would say YAY!!  Instead, I cried.  My doctor is one of those to the point types.  He didn't get emotional with me which was for the best.  He said, "We'll figure this out."   I made him read everything.  Gluclose. Thyroid, and all the other tests - all normal, all GREAT, actually.  I'm really healthy. 

So what is wrong with me?  I asked him about stress.  I asked him to repeat what gastritis really means.  The doc reminded me that chronic stress can reap havoc on your body. But he was determined to get a diagnosis other than some stress.  He gave me a referral to a GI doctor.  I left sadden.

What truly keeps running through my head was that all of this is stress related.  My girlfriend asked me if I'm dealing with my "gut".  She asked me if I'm not moving in my intuition.  She asked me if I'm denying myself access to my true feelings about myself, life, love, etc.  She said that my gut is messed up because I'm not addressing the things related to the "gut" - intuition, personal power (Chakra talk - solar plexus).

I'm wondering if stress is having her way with me. Is she trying to take up residence with in me, emotionally and spiritually?   Its clear I have been under a large amount of stress.  Its clear I need a release.  Do I keep looking for this "diagnosis" or do I say, let me try dealing fully with my emotional and mental health concerns.  I am blessed that can say that I'm healthy.  The doctor wasn't concerned with the weight gain.  It told me I have bigger concerns (emotionally) than my weight.  That was deep for me.  Deep.

As I went to the car, I started to cry again.  No, I'm not dealing with PMS or some hormonal shift.  It was out of confusion. It was a release. But understand, I became angry with my tears.  I felt weak in my tears.  Then my spirit spoke to me.  Guess what? I was sad and weak and it was ok to cry.  It was ok. 

This "illness" is real and its tangible but its symptomatic.  God has provided a shield for my physical wellness only allowing enough for me pay attention.  So I have to decide if I'm going to the GI doctor.  I do know that I need to continue therapy and find a new way of loving myself that is beyond just care-giving.  Being fully in love with myself by providing unlimited self-care to myself, for my lifetime.

I have so much gratitude.  When I find myself in a dark place, I know that God is moving me from grace to grace, from faith to faith.  I've talked too much.  Heal, Rhon and cry.  Its ok. 




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