Wednesday, December 30, 2009

#in2010

The biggest thing I must do in 2010 is think more of myself.


There are areas I still need to work on in regards to self-love and respect.


I'm more than....THIS.


2010....let it begin


(corny but whatever...ha)

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Saturday, December 26, 2009

"They Don't Care About Us"





"They Don't Care About Us"

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, aggravation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Bang bang, shot dead
Everybody's gone mad

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Beat me, hate me
You can never break me
Will me, thrill me
You can never kill me
Jew me, sue me
Everybody do me
Kick me, kike me
Don't you black or white me

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Tell me what has become of my life
I have a wife and two children who love me
I am the victim of police brutality, now
I'm tired of bein' the victim of hate
You're rapin' me of my pride
Oh, for God's sake
I look to heaven to fulfill its prophecy...
Set me free

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
trepidation, speculation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
black man, black male
Throw your brother in jail

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Tell me what has become of my rights
Am I invisible because you ignore me?
Your proclamation promised me free liberty, now
I'm tired of bein' the victim of shame
They're throwing me in a class with a bad name
I can't believe this is the land from which I came
You know I do really hate to say it
The government don't wanna see
But if Roosevelt was livin'
He wouldn't let this be, no, no

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, speculation
Everybody litigation
Beat me, bash me
You can never trash me
Hit me, kick me
You can never get me

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Some things in life they just don't wanna see
But if Martin Luther was livin'
He wouldn't let this be

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, segregation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Kick me, strike me
Don't you wrong or right me

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Thursday, December 24, 2009

the heart of the matter




Today, I was asked if my heart had been broken recently.

hmmmmm....no.


My heart has been disappointed many, many times.

That saddens my soul.



I smile.


I move on. I do what I know I need to do to fulfill my purpose.

Its not enough.

It will do.


Has my heart been broken recently?


No.



















Living in Balance: The Masculine



"Gender is in everything; everything has its Masculine and Feminine Principles; Gender manifests on all planes."--The Kybalion.

In all of Nature, there is balance which includes the aspect of gender.
My insight doesn't actually speak directly to what the Kybalion means when it speaks of gender. I'm doing a little stretching.....

I've gone long enough without that balance. I can feel me pulling the other side of me closer and closer.

It is the HE. I know that HE is needed to balance my spirit and to move with me in this next phase.

I seek that balance. I seek it in wisdom.

I am Yin. He is Yang. I am the Moon. He is the Sun. We are One.






Sunday, December 20, 2009





I'm cutting all coat tail riders.

snip. snip.



America. The Great Experiment, you are clothed in perceived Blessing, yet arrogant and selfish. What murderous seeds you've sown and you blindly assume you shall never reap for the evil you sowed onto Natives, Africans, Irish, Japanese, the poor....God, Have CONTINUED mercy on this nation.



twittering in my thoughts....








Strong as an oak, rooted and brave and yet my leaves are vulnerable...exposed...


lifting up, pushing against the wind...trying to hang on...


Some would say, this is where my beauty resides....the changing of my colors, the blossoms of springs morning glow...


I remain the rooted oak....strong and lasting allowing my leaves to be as the be...


They will come again, more beautiful, being strengthen from the internal love of
rings of wisdom and divine creation...

I am whole...

twittering in my thoughts...

Ego Tripping








What is Ego?

Definition please:


e⋅go

[ee-goh, eg-oh]
1. the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.
2. Psychoanalysis. the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.
3. egotism; conceit; self-importance: Her ego becomes more unbearable each day.
4. self-esteem or self-image; feelings: Your criticism wounded his ego.
5. (often initial capital letter) Philosophy.
a. the enduring and conscious element that knows experience.
b. Scholasticism. the complete person comprising both body and soul.



tripping


A [state of mind] brought on by experiencing a different state of consciousness- mostly through vast changes in perception, senses and thought patterns




Analysis

We all ego trip. I do it. You do it. We do it.

Ok.

What then brings about balance?
Humility

–noun, the quality or condition of being humble;
[modest opinion or estimate] of one's own importance, rank, etc.


Now, folks, we're not talking about false or fake humility when you KNOW you need to be humble and force yourself to feel humility cuz Ego wants to come out and play.

I can actually say that I don't see alot of Ego issues in the work that I do. I think because no matter what, in what we do, its not about us. We speak more about incompetence than anyone EGO tripping. Not to say it isn't there, it maybe just manifests differently.

Expanding outside the walls of social service and community based...well, anything....the battle of the ID is more prominent making me look at myself more and more about my attitude towards my purpose and giftings.

"Humility before Honor"

This was my signature before CWUW was truly birthed. My Valley days had me face ME daily. I learned true humility being stripped of family, friends, and finances and I have to do all I can never to forget those times and yet move forward.

I've had to question and think through what vibrations am I putting out into the universe. I always have had to do a self examination of how I'm perceived. I'm not quick to talk with people and I do ask questions. That puts off some but its my own way.....and its hard to balance being who you authentically are and not put off others.

The word intimidating is constantly thrown my way.

I'm learning also that my sarcasm is off putting at times even though I'm sitting here giggling.

So I'm learning to strike the balance. I'm still learning that sometimes people need something from you and you have to open yourself up to that need also long as it doesn't cross any boundary.

Ego Tripping

I've witnessed the EGO trip in others and I really don't ever want to go on that ride. I'm not as important as my purpose. I live for it and it doesn't live for me. My talents and purpose can be stripped and moved to someone else OR it will never be truly revealed if I don't become humble before it and the ONE who provides all things.

Even with CWUW, we are still babies. I tell folks everyday we are far from where we need to be. The PERCEPTION is that we are a well oiled machine. I always let folks know that we are still gathering parts but the parts we have are working and moving forward. We are doing the best we can with being "virtual" organization and trying to establish a new paradigm in health and wellness for Indianapolis. I try not to TRIP on our failings. We learn and grow and move on.....but

I'm protective of this purpose.

I can't and won't apologize for this. Its what I've been given stewardship over. Its in my care for a reason. I understand why people have been give visions. Its for YOU. You are to birth this baby and with your children, you protect it from harm. I do the same with CWUW without apology.

Nothing to do with EGO.

I would never harm another persons vision because of my own needs. I understand it. I support it. I expect the same. I'm not giving my child over to anyone that will do it harm. Would you? So I don't make apologizes for questioning ones intentions towards me or my work.
At the same time, I don't mind being questioned. I actually long for the challenge to my thoughts. I think this is where my inner circle comes in, my sisters. They will ask, challenge, and question me. I need that. I really really do.



At the end of the day....

Just apologize.

If your EGO decides to get the best of the trip and takes you on the ride. Open your mouth and just apologize. I think I get concerned that I either come off too mean or sensitive especially when neither is taking place. Its important to really think about what you've done to the other person, and sincerely apologize.

I'm sorry. Acknowledge your mess up. Acknowledge what you've done to THEM not how your mess up effects you. [EGO TRIPPING] I've seen this happen so many times. I'm like....whoa....

There were times this year I've had to say, "I'm sorry". I snapped at one of my CWUW Crew members at Life Jam. I came back and apologized immediately. My stress level was high, other things had occurred to upset me, and I took it out on her. I'm thankful that she knows I wasn't being mean spirited but I had to do it. I couldn't just take for granted that she would just forgive and forget without my apology.



The Ego:


It can be a self check. We can use it to check ourselves in how we approach others and even how we view ourselves. Nothing wrong with being confident and self-assured but those things don't case harm or hurt feelings.


Never let Ego take you way from Divinity.











































Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I need to shine like I used to

Music is so powerful.

My spirit connects with every lyric and verse, the way a vocalist passionately spills from their soul each word and phrase.

Today Cree Summer is the artist that is allowing me in, making me go deeper, and having me love more.

Deliciously Down lyrics


I need some sweet to soothe my inside
I need some soft to lay down my pride
I need some tears to rain down on me
To melt my memory

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through
I need to shine like I used to and I
Know that I'm not supposed to be for nothing

I need a breeze to carry me safe
I need some peace to find my way
I need a song to hold in my palm
And feel the love that made me

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through and I
Need to shine like I used to and I
Know that I'm not supposed to be for nothing

I need some love to open my heart
I need a space to fall apart
I need a star for every dream
Do you know what I mean

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least








Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Beware: Fragile Cargo






My strength is real, very valid. I'm a rock.


Ok that's out of the way.


I'm still human. I seem to do a lot of writing and venting about this. Just me proving that I have feelings and that I can be hurt. Some throw insanity my way knowing I can handle some of it but there's a time when your spirit needs comforting, a kind word, a hug.


I think I'm now at the point of making a plea, raising my expectations.

I'm moving into 2010 focused on Rhonda. I first need to give myself the proper attention and love. I can't give anything to anyone at this point.

I'm not only fragile cargo...but precious.

On the Mend

Monday, December 14, 2009

[RE]jection





The hardest thing for a giver is to have their gift rejected because it feels as if you're being rejected.


Reality.

No you're not but we sometimes see our gifts are an extension of our feelings and emotions towards that person or a symbol of who we are. When that gift is rejected, we feel it reflects on us.

How did we learn about rejection? How did we learn to feel that when someone doesn't want to be in our lives that it someone how means we are less than.....

I don't know.

I have some rejection issues. Why? First, I'm human. Secondly, I'm black. Thirdly, I'm female.
I'm conditioned this way. I've learned this behavior. Daily, I strive to move beyond it.

[RE]jection

Its full of disease, sadness, and emptiness. It can lead to depression and anxiety even.

Learn to love you. Learn that what matters more is your opinion of yourself. Learn that its something that we all experience.

[IN]jection

Inject yourself with love...daily.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

lu[cid]ity

lucidity (n.)

1.free from obscurity and easy to understand; the comprehensibility of clear expression


lu·cid·i·ty (lo͞o-sĭdˈĭ-tē)

noun
Clarity, especially mental clarity.



lucidity
the quality, state, or art of clarity in thought and style. — lucidness, n. — lucid, adj.







Expectations and Disappointments - the seed of insecurity


My mirror is clear...buffed and shined
I see me
creating a situation with the seed of insecurity
watering it
be drawing to me anything that will cultivate
that piece of me that desires
love

human touch

planting nothing more than strife and heartache

weeding

weeds

giving time and attention to nothingness
but I'm still a Goddess

able to turn around and manifest Power
removing the weeds that do nothing
but choke
and take

giving nothing to my life because its incapable of adding anything
to your own

I've expected too much
I've received nothing
but disappointments which opened a wound
that was already cut and scarred

Peace...
QUEEN
Goddess
Black Woman

blah blah blah

Seeds of Insecurity pushing through the soiled soul
harvesting heartbreak

EYES wide Open
I'll return to the Earth
pull this weed

that weed

this weed

that weed

until I plant the seed of beauty in my soul

and Harvest

LOVE.....

Saturday, November 21, 2009

ocd

check email
check email


wait

check email

notes
notes

where's my cell
text
miss calls
voicemail

wait

socialnetworkinggnikrowtelaicos

blog

facespace
mybook

wait

CWUW

email email email


planner
meet who
meet you
meet when


do you have my card?















bulimia

emotional eating

control

anxiety











0cd

Wholeness....

I find it very interesting as you meet people how we sometimes make assumptions about their "wholeness" based on their job, their rhetoric, their passion, etc. We all are on a journey for completeness no matter the stage of knowledge, understanding, or wisdom. We can't assume a person has it all together just based on one or two things we're allowed to see.


I find that some think I have it all together and I really laugh. Far from it. I'm still working through many issues. I'm still trying to find wholeness for me. I try my best to be open about my flawed ways so that people understand that its always a journey. We should always look within and make self correction.

I'm more interested in the positive ways a person copes with hardships because I've been very unhealthy with coping and control. I'm looking to establish a new ritual to healing myself emotionally and calming my spirit. I'm seeking those things out from others who seem to have a healthy ritualistic way of coping and rejuvenating their minds and spirits. I believe in mentorship and I seek mentors out knowing in the process I maybe able to impart a piece of my understanding of life as well.

Get people off pedestals but also, get stop putting people into hell too. I watch how we lynch folks for not doing what we think they should be doing not knowing what is being done outside of the public eye. EVERYONE I've every met has a public face. I'm not talking about rappers who are suppose to be generating art which comes from the spirit. Nonetheless, make sure our criticism are based on something that's tangible. We can get off on the wrong issue.

I don't want to wear anyone's shoes. Mine are fine. I want to appreciate everyone's journey for what it is. We all need to seek our own personal wholeness FIRST. We need to stop being so quick to jump on a persons religious journey, political view, or family life when we don't even know the back story. Take a critical view but let it be based on something real and genuine.

Be well. Be WHOLE.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Nothing Profound this way comes....

My blog is just simply an outpouring of emotion. my moment to scream.cry.love.vent....and be.


At first, I wanted this to be a deep, profound journey through my thoughts. Its become just a peek inward.

I'm troubled. I'm calmed. I'm complex. I'm simple. I'm weird. I'm normal. I'm Rhonda.

what is seen...is just me.

I've walked a journey through ups and downs and i'm still here witnessing how I continue to move through this world at times eyes wide open and other days eyes wide shut.

I'd love to talk about race and sexism, love and hate......men and men. its all in my spirit. As the spirit moves, so shall I.

I'm seeking truth. I'm seeking to know me better. I'm seeking to be willing to let others take a piece of me.

Hold my hand.

Take my journey.

Some call me Rhonda, others call me Cleva....

hungerskin

skin

my skin needs touch. screaming for a gentle tough. a rough one too. a kiss on the cheek.

rub my back.

hunger

yearning for feeling emotion through finger tips. feels desperate. feels like an addiction.

skin hunger

an outpouring of love. expression of connection. satisfaction of the deepest desire.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Charlotte said knock you out.....




My MOTHER used to tell me and my brother to go hard with anything we do. Sometimes its the oddest songs that make you remember those messages.

I feel this.

Mama said Knock you out.....

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Spirit speaks

deep in the inner workings of the mind
I'm there
I'm watching for you to open up your spirit to me
I'm waiting for you to realize that I've always been there

wake up
wake up king
what up god and goddess
the universe is here at your beckon call
I am the almighty
I'm in your dna
I'm in your breath


wake up
I'm not a religion
I'm not a religion
I'm not a religion

I'm waiting
be masterfully in your creation
look in your soul and hear me cry out


wake up
wake up
I am is here
I am is all
I am that I am

wake up wake up


(I close my eyes and type what comes to me......)

invisibility

invisible

hiding behind wishes

devilish dreams

deferred

deferred

invisible

pressing my heart

against silence

lust

lust

invisible

tick tock

revelation comes

crying

crying

invisible

a confused longing

skin hunger

invisible

Star Quality...Supa dupa star?

When you need attention, applause, compliments...what do you do when that stops or doesn't come?

Do you act up and act out? Do you reduce others to make you feel bigger, taller, better?

Man in the Mirror.

Go look in it. Go face it.

If you're seeking stardom, you've failed. Celebrity is for suckers.

Walk through your life understanding that your talents, giftings are NOT for you but for others. It is through you God works. You manifest it or you shut it off but your foolishness, selfishness.

Baby I'm a Star.

Open up your soul and heart to the possibilities that your hood will only know you. What then? Maybe your legacy is that you created beauty...here. Leave the star bs alone.

Be more concerned with artistry and integrity. I don't care about your talents if you treat me unfairly and without concern; when you're all about is... who did not clap, scream, gave you the love when you thought you deserved it...., I can't be bothered.

Who cares about your talent when you're not a complete person?

Be whole.

Bet you think this blog is about it.

It is. Its for anyone who steps on another person. Its for anyone so self absorbed they can't see themselves or see how their actions are hurtful and frankly, UGLY. What's your rep? How do people view you? We live in a time when people claim those things don't matter but they should on some level. Back in the day....ok...wayyyyyy back in the day, you could give your NAME can you could get goods and services because your NAME meant something. Integrity was important. Those days are gone. Let's bring them back.

Ex-Factor

I have to separate myself, my journey from this mindset. Understand, I give time and opportunity for growth. I give chances but I can't be a fool either. Its a self-esteem issue. Its a need for love outside of yourself. Sometimes I understand it because you want to be appreciated for your efforts but a wise person can look at a situation and understand when and where that is appropriate. Moving on. Moving in the direction my soul says to go. Seeking humbility. Seeking wisdom. Seeking the God in me. Seeking the God that's bigger than a religion, concept, or mindset. Moving on.

Come Together

My heart is always open to a healed soul. I just know that we can't always walk the journey together. We'll come together or not but its ok. Its ok.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What is it that we need to reclaim ourselves and revive ourselves? Daily I'm working ridding myself of the conditioning that has my mind in turmoil. Even in my leadership and in my strength, I'm lost in who I am and who I need to be to move forward.

The journey has begun. Once you have been allowed to see that there was/is a choice between the blue and red pill, its very hard to return. You have different eyes. I'm open.

The Creator is with me. The Creator is pushing to see the lies the African people have been told and have accepted. I'm tired.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Didn't you know?






-Oh hey...

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to move but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Knew the toll, but I would not pay
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Cause you never know where the cards may lay

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still don’t know
So many times I’ve changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I ain’t scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to run but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Knew the toll but I would not pay
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
I said ya never know how the cards may lay

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day






This song actually says everything I'm thinking and feeling right now. I truly do not have to write another word. Believe that.

This isn't about what I know God will do, who God is, etc. This is about what I feel. I want to just feel. I'm angry and sad. I'm tired. I'm hopeful. I'm focused.

This past week was an emotional roller-coaster that I really just wanted to get off but I just strapped myself in. My day job continues to be a thorn in my side but I've done a lot to change my attitude. Nonetheless, I want to leave. I had the principal of Shortridge tell me how much the kids love us there and when I walked into the room on Friday, to hear the girls cheer that I came, to see their smiles, that was so satisfying. I needed that.

I had to be the leader and make changes to CWUW and it was harder than expected mostly because I really did and still do take that situation personally. I'm hoping that I've handled it as professionally as possible.



"But I'm not scared to take the weight"




Then of course, the accident on Friday. This isn't about the car but about having one more thing to handle. Accidents do happen but the timing was horrible. (giggle) I just don't FEEL like dealing with it. Doesn't mean I won't or can't but that I just simply don't want to. I don't feel like it but I will, first thing in the morning be on the phone with the insurance company and move forward. I will go to DC and represent Girls Inc professionally and do my job well. I will continue to make sure CWUW moves forward with integrity and honesty. I will do what I always do but my feelings are very surface. I know how to push through and persevere. Right now, I'm just wanting to smile. I really haven't laughed and smiled in a while.



"I tried to run but I lost my way"

It was suggested not to drive my car too much so I sat. Bored. The feelings came but the oddest thing poured out, mom. I remembered a moment when I took Syd to the hospital to see mom. Mom was very, very ill and I knew I had to make Syd go. I remembered how Syd couldn't look at mom and she started crying. I remember mom just feeling so horrible. She felt responsible for making Syd feel badly. Just how mom was.....and then I just cried. Not a little teary eyed cry but one of those deep cries. The pain was coming out. I needed her. It was clear, the grief was still so present. I cried so hard my eyes were puffy and my chest hurt. I did my scream......and moved on. I ate and ate and ate. All just emotional eating. I was pure emotion yesterday and I wanted to be there. I didn't want to hear about God and anything but I needed to FEEL. I didn't want to be a robot. I'm sad. I wanted to be SAD.

"There will be a brighter day"


There will be a brighter day......today is a new day. I'll work on smiling. I'll work on living.

I'm just a woman on this rock just like anyone.....or didn't you know?



no editing....ya know I just let my fingers type whatever.....you do the corrections.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Trust: Revelation.....again






Before I even begin, I'm not going to edit but just write. So has my fingers try to catch up with my brain, work with me.

For the past 6 months, I can honestly say that I've some anxieties about well....me. Today it hit me, again, that the Valley is still in me. TRUST is my new battle I have to overcome and resolve.

I think it finally sunk in this weekend with talking with CWUW members about trusting them. On the surface, I thought I was doing a good job with giving up ownership to others and really trying to give them a piece of "my baby". I really thought about it. I don't trust anyone to be in my corner 100% except my daughter. REAL TALK. I don't expect anyone to have my back. I still have a fear that if something happens to me the ONLY person I can call is the Kid and maybe my dad....maybe.

This is so real that tears are falling as I type this but I have to say it so I can see it and feel it.

When I lost my job and then my mother died, I went into survival mode and I haven't come out of it. This is why and race and race and keep going because if I don't, who will? I'm looking into myself and I'm really seeing that Trust is a major issue for me. Its especially major because I really love working with and for God's people. I love the community. I love service. As much as a musician loves to play and write or an artist loves to paint and draw, I love working in the community. So this is troublesome but I think God wants me to face this finally. I'm WEARING this trouble in my weight that I almost refuse to lose. I'm probably scared of having any real relationship. All I know is, my daughter was there. I was there and we moved forward. What we went through was so deep for us that I know she deals with the very same issue. We felt abandoned. So we turned inward and to each other to make it through.

I tell people all the time that I'm strong but not so strong. I still WANT to be vulnerable with one person. I still want to be able to set in front of one person and cry, scream, and just be. Who can I really trust? It is so scary to feel this way. Its not a feeling of loneliness though which is odd. I feel like my journey is my TASK and I just need to take the hit for the team. I need to take the weight of the world and let others reap the benefit. I sound like some wanna be martyr. :/ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....I hate that but its real.

I do feel blessed for those in my world who are encouraging. I KNOWWWWW I'm loved. lol

I know it...right? hmmmmmm

Since I'm writing this, I must face it. Its been revealed....again. I know my body has something to do with this TRUST issue. I know that I haven't really done the things I need to to change it because its not for knowing what to do.

There is skin hunger. There is the need for a hug that's not connected to sex...another place were Trust is battling me. Can I trust that a man can see me for more than sex? Its been along time since one has. I'm not the only female going through this. I try to watch what energy/vibes I put out. Doesn't work. Something needs to change with in me I think.

I'm sitting here. I can hear the crickets. My apt is very quiet.

Let me think. Let me think. Let me feel.

Let me be.

I will be fine.

I will Trust!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I can never see the world the same.

my eyes are open.

and I've never found peace like this when my eyes were closed.

I don't wait on a savior. The Savior has done the job.

This is the tricky of the Church. "Wait on the Lawd!" Why?

I need to pull down, dig deeper, and move forward. I need to read the words of the Sacred Text and then act on them.

Yes, I'm speaking of the Christian Church because that's where I was raised but its so very interesting that my spiritual experiences are deemed "witchcraft" and evil. I've experienced possession. I've heard the voice of God....literally. I've felt the touch and kiss from my mother and I've experienced astral projection. These things are outside of the Christian faith and yet these are the very things that have brought me closer to God. I've been set free from thinking I have to wait and that God is just going to always miraculous provide everything without me doing my part. NO. You must move. You must act.

Believe me. I'm going through some Spiritual transformation. I'm looking at my past and then my future saying, now what. I can honestly say, that I've called on the name of Yeshua and I've felt Power so I don't let my metaphysical friends think they have all of the answers too. What I do know, the current state of the Church is keeping ppl in bondage to greed, materialism, and the physical church. Christians are seeking out things as a manifestation of God's love. Seek change in your fellow man. Seek the end of hunger. No. Folks are lead by greed.
I don't even go to into a church anymore. It makes me mad and sad. I feel duped. I feel like i'm getting pimped.

One major issue is that Christians don't read their own Sacred text for themselves. You'd be surprise that some of the things that some of the New Age folks, esoteric folks, etc are in the bible. Some would say its because the bible just took from other text, etc, etc but nonetheless its there.

Read. Read. Read.

Am I done with being a Christian.....hmmmm....no. I still find Power in the Name of Yeshua BUT I am looking and reading and studying other things without apology. I've had VERY non Christian experiences that can be explained by other faiths, beliefs, etc.

I'm on a journey. I'm on this ride. I'm not getting off until I'm satisfied with my answers. This will trouble some Christians and trouble some of those studying the metaphysical but this is about ME.

God has promised me something and I've committed my life to his plan. I'm riding it out.

truth

Truth

Fearing the possibility that I could be
the manifestation of
truth
Spiritually you called down from the heavens
Asked the ancestors
Prayed unto the Divine
allow reality to be near me
to be my reflection
as clear as the Nile
Let me be the one to touch
Truth

In your Power
I stand before you
you tremble
afraid to let go of the past
hurt
anger
death
what do you choose
how can you be
at peace in a lost of love
Truth has decided
to hold your hand
caress your face
kiss your lips
The dream is more than fantasy
Truth is not going away

So what will I do
what will I say
all that I want has been given
the table has been set
my cup runneth over
and I
turn away.


Truth.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My lips to your ear


Come closer
let my lips touch your ear
let me whisper
a word
let me speak
unmentionables
let my lips touch your ear
with words of the Divine
touching
the inner man
the goddess speaks
I bring love
let my lips touch your ear
let me whisper
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Monday, September 28, 2009

Cleva...oh .....cleva...where are you?

I've been busy. I haven't given myself time to stop to smell the coffee, the roses, etc. I am a machine. Am I will oiled? No. I'm squeaky. I need maintenance. I need assistance.

But I'm moving and working.


I don't think I've ever thought I would be at this point of my life where I'm so focused on service that I don't do my nails, I don't get a pedicure, I don't put on my "Diva" for the ppl but I've lost my flava. It used to be my thing to be fashion forward and now I'm lost. lol

With my daughter gone to college, I can get back to Rhonda. I miss her. Its been long time but I'm working on it. I'm moving towards it. I shall return.

Its important that we take care of ourselves.

Cleva shall return.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Under the Influence: Vanity


This was my Idol as a teen.
Nothing left to say.
VANITY.



















Thursday, September 17, 2009

The State of the Union





What is going on with this country?

Lunacy is the where most are living on Main Street USA. Is it in the water?

First, my biggest pain right now is the this so called victimization of the white male that is being pushed by some on the right. White men have called me racist for not giving into this falsehood. So be it. Do we not see how the media is manipulating this entire thing from FOX and Glenn Beck to only showing the insanity at some of these rallies? Its controlled hysteria.

I'm annoyed. I'm actually so annoyed that I probably can't really write a comprehensive blog about what is happening. I'm really starting to buy into this blue pill vs red pill philosophy. Civility is lost. Rational thought is lost. Opposing view points shouldn't come to this. We are taking being a part of a political party as a way to define the person and well, its nothing new in this country (Communism and McCarthy), it would seem when should have grown and learned from past mistakes. America will implode on her arrogance and her lack of sensibilities. We are not a free nation. Our media is controlled. We've allowed a few corporations to OWN entire industries and yet we want to worry about Obama and socialism. Americans have bought into this socialist mantra and don't even know what socialism is.

We are a stupid nation and getting stupidier. ;)

All great empires have fallen. I'm wondering if I'm living in the time of the fall of the Great Experiment.

hmmmmm......

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Am I my sisters keeper?



This is my sister.

I don't know her but she is my responsibility. Obviously she's gone astray. Her mind is loss. She's angry. She's my sister.

This is Maia Campbell.

This is how evil and twisted the world has become that instead of helping a sister who you can see is strung out on drugs, angry and confused, EVIL puts a camera in her face and makes fun, laughs, jokes, disrespects, and manipulates. EVIL was present.

What are we doing people? How are we living when THIS is entertaining? When a woman can expect a beating as if its normal? When we think taping this is entertaining?

I really can't type much. My heart is broken. I live to serve women like Maia. I see me when I see her. I see all that God had/has for her. I'm sadden.

My brothers, when will you return to your leadership? When will you realize that you have niggerized your black women by the way you treat us? Please don't say that her behavior warranted the laughs and jokes. There will be twisted, sick sistas who will say, "that's what she gets".....same as they've done with Rihianna. We are fine with being abused and manipulated. Who cares for the black woman if not that black man? Sistas, when will we start seeking help, instead of the pipe and a penis?

I'll stop now. I'm typing mad and tired.

I am my sister's keeper.

That's really all I wanted to say.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

6 days















No watching her do the chicken head, the stanky leg, or whatever dance Beyonce put in her video.

No more praying that the music blasting isn't coming from my apartment and PLEASE let there be no "bitches and hoes" mentioned.

No more getting phone calls from teachers saying, "Ms. Bayless, I really love your daughter and she's a joy to have in class but she issss a little too social and I can't get her to stop talking."

All I can say is, I did my best to raise a good person to give to the world. My goal wasn't to raise the next president, athlete, etc. I wanted my daughter to embrace life, to be confident, and to understand that she is here to give to others when she can.

You are wonderful kiddo. I continue to pray for your safety and that your heart will continue to be open to receive love and wisdom.