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#in2010

The biggest thing I must do in 2010 is think more of myself.

There are areas I still need to work on in regards to self-love and respect.

I'm more than....THIS.

2010....let it begin

(corny but whatever...ha)

Truth

"They Don't Care About Us"

"They Don't Care About Us"
Skin head, dead head Everybody gone bad Situation, aggravation Everybody allegation In the suite, on the news Everybody dog food Bang bang, shot dead Everybody's gone mad
All I wanna say is that They don't really care about us All I wanna say is that They don't really care about us
Beat me, hate me You can never break me Will me, thrill me You can never kill me Jew me, sue me Everybody do me Kick me, kike me Don't you black or white me
All I wanna say is that They don't really care about us All I wanna say is that They don't really care about us
Tell me what has become of my life I have a wife and two children who love me I am the victim of police brutality, now I'm tired of bein' the victim of hate You're rapin' me of my pride Oh, for God's sake I look to heaven to fulfill its prophecy... Set me free
Skin head, dead head Everybody gone bad trepidation, speculation Everybody allegation In the suite, on the news Everybody dog food black man…

the heart of the matter

Today, I was asked if my heart had been broken recently.
hmmmmm....no.

My heart has been disappointed many, many times.
That saddens my soul.


I smile.

I move on. I do what I know I need to do to fulfill my purpose.
Its not enough.
It will do.

Has my heart been broken recently?

No.


















Living in Balance: The Masculine

"Gender is in everything; everything has its Masculine and Feminine Principles; Gender manifests on all planes."--The Kybalion.
In all of Nature, there is balance which includes the aspect of gender. My insight doesn't actually speak directly to what the Kybalion means when it speaks of gender. I'm doing a little stretching.....
I've gone long enough without that balance. I can feel me pulling the other side of me closer and closer.
It is the HE. I know that HE is needed to balance my spirit and to move with me in this next phase.
I seek that balance. I seek it in wisdom.
I am Yin. He is Yang. I am the Moon. He is the Sun. We are One.




I'm cutting all coat tail riders.
snip. snip.

America. The Great Experiment, you are clothed in perceived Blessing, yet arrogant and selfish. What murderous seeds you've sown and you blindly assume you shall never reap for the evil you sowed onto Natives, Africans, Irish, Japanese, the poor....God, Have CONTINUED mercy on this nation.

twittering in my thoughts....

Strong as an oak, rooted and brave and yet my leaves are vulnerable...exposed...


lifting up, pushing against the wind...trying to hang on...


Some would say, this is where my beauty resides....the changing of my colors, the blossoms of springs morning glow...


I remain the rooted oak....strong and lasting allowing my leaves to be as the be...


They will come again, more beautiful, being strengthen from the internal love of
rings of wisdom and divine creation...

I am whole...

twittering in my thoughts...

Ego Tripping

What is Ego?
Definition please:

e⋅go/ˈigoʊ,ˈɛgoʊ/Show Spelled Pronunciation[ee-goh,eg-oh]1.the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.2.Psychoanalysis. the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.3.egotism; conceit; self-importance: Her ego becomes more unbearable each day. 4.self-esteem or self-image; feelings: Your criticism wounded his ego. 5.(often initial capital letter) Philosophy. a.the enduring and conscious element that knows experience.b.Scholasticism. the complete person comprising both body and soul.


tripping

A [state of mind] brought on by experiencing a different state of consciousness- mostly through vast changes in perception, senses and thought patterns




Analysis

We all ego trip. I do it. You do it. We do it.

Ok.

I need to shine like I used to

Music is so powerful.

My spirit connects with every lyric and verse, the way a vocalist passionately spills from their soul each word and phrase.

Today Cree Summer is the artist that is allowing me in, making me go deeper, and having me love more.

Deliciously Down lyrics


I need some sweet to soothe my inside
I need some soft to lay down my pride
I need some tears to rain down on me
To melt my memory

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through
I need to shine like I used to and I
Know that I'm not supposed to be for nothing

I need a breeze to carry me safe
I need some peace to find my way
I need a song to hold in my palm
And feel the love that made me

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through and I
Need to shine like I used to and I
Know that I'm not supposed to be for nothing

I need some love to open my heart
I need a space to fall apart
I need a star for every dream
Do you know what I mean

I n…

Beware: Fragile Cargo

My strength is real, very valid. I'm a rock.


Ok that's out of the way.


I'm still human. I seem to do a lot of writing and venting about this. Just me proving that I have feelings and that I can be hurt. Some throw insanity my way knowing I can handle some of it but there's a time when your spirit needs comforting, a kind word, a hug.


I think I'm now at the point of making a plea, raising my expectations.

I'm moving into 2010 focused on Rhonda. I first need to give myself the proper attention and love. I can't give anything to anyone at this point.

I'm not only fragile cargo...but precious.

On the Mend

[RE]jection

The hardest thing for a giver is to have their gift rejected because it feels as if you're being rejected.


Reality.

No you're not but we sometimes see our gifts are an extension of our feelings and emotions towards that person or a symbol of who we are. When that gift is rejected, we feel it reflects on us.

How did we learn about rejection? How did we learn to feel that when someone doesn't want to be in our lives that it someone how means we are less than.....

I don't know.

I have some rejection issues. Why? First, I'm human. Secondly, I'm black. Thirdly, I'm female.
I'm conditioned this way. I've learned this behavior. Daily, I strive to move beyond it.

[RE]jection

Its full of disease, sadness, and emptiness. It can lead to depression and anxiety even.

Learn to love you. Learn that what matters more is your opinion of yourself. Learn that its something that we all experience.

[IN]jection

Inject yourself with love...daily.

lu[cid]ity

lucidity(n.)1.free from obscurity and easy to understand; the comprehensibility of clear expression
lu·cid·i·ty(lo͞o-sĭdˈĭ-tē) noun Clarity, especially mental clarity.


lucidity
the quality, state, or art of clarity in thought and style. — lucidness, n. — lucid, adj.







Expectations and Disappointments - the seed of insecurity

My mirror is clear...buffed and shined
I see me
creating a situation with the seed of insecurity
watering it
be drawing to me anything that will cultivate
that piece of me that desires
love

human touch

planting nothing more than strife and heartache

weeding

weeds

giving time and attention to nothingness
but I'm still a Goddess

able to turn around and manifest Power
removing the weeds that do nothing
but choke
and take

giving nothing to my life because its incapable of adding anything
to your own

I've expected too much
I've received nothing
but disappointments which opened a wound
that was already cut and scarred

Peace...
QUEEN
Goddess
Black Woman

blah blah blah

Seeds of Insecurity pushing through the soiled soul
harvesting heartbreak

EYES wide Open
I'll return to the Earth
pull this weed

that weed

this weed

that weed

until I plant the seed of beauty in my soul

and Harvest

LOVE.....

ocd

check email
check email


wait

check email

notes
notes

where's my cell
text
miss calls
voicemail

wait

socialnetworkinggnikrowtelaicos

blog

facespace
mybook

wait

CWUW

email email email


planner
meet who
meet you
meet when


do you have my card?















bulimia

emotional eating

control

anxiety











0cd

Wholeness....

I find it very interesting as you meet people how we sometimes make assumptions about their "wholeness" based on their job, their rhetoric, their passion, etc. We all are on a journey for completeness no matter the stage of knowledge, understanding, or wisdom. We can't assume a person has it all together just based on one or two things we're allowed to see.


I find that some think I have it all together and I really laugh. Far from it. I'm still working through many issues. I'm still trying to find wholeness for me. I try my best to be open about my flawed ways so that people understand that its always a journey. We should always look within and make self correction.

I'm more interested in the positive ways a person copes with hardships because I've been very unhealthy with coping and control. I'm looking to establish a new ritual to healing myself emotionally and calming my spirit. I'm seeking those things out from others who seem to have…

Nothing Profound this way comes....

My blog is just simply an outpouring of emotion. my moment to scream.cry.love.vent....and be.


At first, I wanted this to be a deep, profound journey through my thoughts. Its become just a peek inward.

I'm troubled. I'm calmed. I'm complex. I'm simple. I'm weird. I'm normal. I'm Rhonda.

what is seen...is just me.

I've walked a journey through ups and downs and i'm still here witnessing how I continue to move through this world at times eyes wide open and other days eyes wide shut.

I'd love to talk about race and sexism, love and hate......men and men. its all in my spirit. As the spirit moves, so shall I.

I'm seeking truth. I'm seeking to know me better. I'm seeking to be willing to let others take a piece of me.

Hold my hand.

Take my journey.

Some call me Rhonda, others call me Cleva....

hungerskin

skin

my skin needs touch. screaming for a gentle tough. a rough one too. a kiss on the cheek.

rub my back.

hunger

yearning for feeling emotion through finger tips. feels desperate. feels like an addiction.

skin hunger

an outpouring of love. expression of connection. satisfaction of the deepest desire.

Spirit speaks

deep in the inner workings of the mind
I'm there
I'm watching for you to open up your spirit to me
I'm waiting for you to realize that I've always been there

wake up
wake up king
what up god and goddess
the universe is here at your beckon call
I am the almighty
I'm in your dna
I'm in your breath


wake up
I'm not a religion
I'm not a religion
I'm not a religion

I'm waiting
be masterfully in your creation
look in your soul and hear me cry out


wake up
wake up
I am is here
I am is all
I am that I am

wake up wake up


(I close my eyes and type what comes to me......)

invisibility

invisible

hiding behind wishes

devilish dreams

deferred

deferred

invisible

pressing my heart

against silence

lust

lust

invisible

tick tock

revelation comes

crying

crying

invisible

a confused longing

skin hunger

invisible

Star Quality...Supa dupa star?

When you need attention, applause, compliments...what do you do when that stops or doesn't come?

Do you act up and act out? Do you reduce others to make you feel bigger, taller, better?

Man in the Mirror.

Go look in it. Go face it.

If you're seeking stardom, you've failed. Celebrity is for suckers.

Walk through your life understanding that your talents, giftings are NOT for you but for others. It is through you God works. You manifest it or you shut it off but your foolishness, selfishness.

Baby I'm a Star.

Open up your soul and heart to the possibilities that your hood will only know you. What then? Maybe your legacy is that you created beauty...here. Leave the star bs alone.

Be more concerned with artistry and integrity. I don't care about your talents if you treat me unfairly and without concern; when you're all about is... who did not clap, scream, gave you the love when you thought you deserved it...., I can't be bothered.

Who cares about your talent wh…
What is it that we need to reclaim ourselves and revive ourselves? Daily I'm working ridding myself of the conditioning that has my mind in turmoil. Even in my leadership and in my strength, I'm lost in who I am and who I need to be to move forward.

The journey has begun. Once you have been allowed to see that there was/is a choice between the blue and red pill, its very hard to return. You have different eyes. I'm open.

The Creator is with me. The Creator is pushing to see the lies the African people have been told and have accepted. I'm tired.

Didn't you know?

-Oh hey...

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to move but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Knew the toll, but I would not pay
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Cause you never know where the cards may lay

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still don’t know
So many times I’ve changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I ain’t scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to run but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped …

Trust: Revelation.....again

Before I even begin, I'm not going to edit but just write. So has my fingers try to catch up with my brain, work with me.

For the past 6 months, I can honestly say that I've some anxieties about well....me. Today it hit me, again, that the Valley is still in me. TRUST is my new battle I have to overcome and resolve.

I think it finally sunk in this weekend with talking with CWUW members about trusting them. On the surface, I thought I was doing a good job with giving up ownership to others and really trying to give them a piece of "my baby". I really thought about it. I don't trust anyone to be in my corner 100% except my daughter. REAL TALK. I don't expect anyone to have my back. I still have a fear that if something happens to me the ONLY person I can call is the Kid and maybe my dad....maybe.

This is so real that tears are falling as I type this but I have to say it so I can see it and feel it.

When I lost my job and then my mother died, I went into surviva…
I can never see the world the same.

my eyes are open.

and I've never found peace like this when my eyes were closed.

I don't wait on a savior. The Savior has done the job.

This is the tricky of the Church. "Wait on the Lawd!" Why?

I need to pull down, dig deeper, and move forward. I need to read the words of the Sacred Text and then act on them.

Yes, I'm speaking of the Christian Church because that's where I was raised but its so very interesting that my spiritual experiences are deemed "witchcraft" and evil. I've experienced possession. I've heard the voice of God....literally. I've felt the touch and kiss from my mother and I've experienced astral projection. These things are outside of the Christian faith and yet these are the very things that have brought me closer to God. I've been set free from thinking I have to wait and that God is just going to always miraculous provide everything without me doing my part. NO. You…

truth

Truth
Fearing the possibility that I could be
the manifestation of
truth
Spiritually you called down from the heavens
Asked the ancestors
Prayed unto the Divine
allow reality to be near me
to be my reflection
as clear as the Nile
Let me be the one to touch
Truth

In your Power
I stand before you
you tremble
afraid to let go of the past
hurt
anger
death
what do you choose
how can you be
at peace in a lost of love
Truth has decided
to hold your hand
caress your face
kiss your lips
The dream is more than fantasy
Truth is not going away

So what will I do
what will I say
all that I want has been given
the table has been set
my cup runneth over
and I
turn away.


Truth.

My lips to your ear

Come closer
let my lips touch your ear
let me whisper
a word
let me speak
unmentionables
let my lips touch your ear
with words of the Divine
touching
the inner man
the goddess speaks
I bring love
let my lips touch your ear
let me whisper
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Cleva...oh .....cleva...where are you?

I've been busy. I haven't given myself time to stop to smell the coffee, the roses, etc. I am a machine. Am I will oiled? No. I'm squeaky. I need maintenance. I need assistance.

But I'm moving and working.


I don't think I've ever thought I would be at this point of my life where I'm so focused on service that I don't do my nails, I don't get a pedicure, I don't put on my "Diva" for the ppl but I've lost my flava. It used to be my thing to be fashion forward and now I'm lost. lol

With my daughter gone to college, I can get back to Rhonda. I miss her. Its been long time but I'm working on it. I'm moving towards it. I shall return.

Its important that we take care of ourselves.

Cleva shall return.

Under the Influence: Vanity

This was my Idol as a teen.
Nothing left to say.
VANITY.


















The State of the Union

What is going on with this country?

Lunacy is the where most are living on Main Street USA. Is it in the water?

First, my biggest pain right now is the this so called victimization of the white male that is being pushed by some on the right. White men have called me racist for not giving into this falsehood. So be it. Do we not see how the media is manipulating this entire thing from FOX and Glenn Beck to only showing the insanity at some of these rallies? Its controlled hysteria.

I'm annoyed. I'm actually so annoyed that I probably can't really write a comprehensive blog about what is happening. I'm really starting to buy into this blue pill vs red pill philosophy. Civility is lost. Rational thought is lost. Opposing view points shouldn't come to this. We are taking being a part of a political party as a way to define the person and well, its nothing new in this country (Communism and McCarthy), it would seem when should have grown and learned from past mist…

Am I my sisters keeper?

This is my sister.

I don't know her but she is my responsibility. Obviously she's gone astray. Her mind is loss. She's angry. She's my sister.

This is Maia Campbell.

This is how evil and twisted the world has become that instead of helping a sister who you can see is strung out on drugs, angry and confused, EVIL puts a camera in her face and makes fun, laughs, jokes, disrespects, and manipulates. EVIL was present.

What are we doing people? How are we living when THIS is entertaining? When a woman can expect a beating as if its normal? When we think taping this is entertaining?

I really can't type much. My heart is broken. I live to serve women like Maia. I see me when I see her. I see all that God had/has for her. I'm sadden.

My brothers, when will you return to your leadership? When will you realize that you have niggerized your black women by the way you treat us? Please don't say that her behavior warranted the laughs and jokes. There will be twis…

6 days

No watching her do the chicken head, the stanky leg, or whatever dance Beyonce put in her video.

No more praying that the music blasting isn't coming from my apartment and PLEASE let there be no "bitches and hoes" mentioned.

No more getting phone calls from teachers saying, "Ms. Bayless, I really love your daughter and she's a joy to have in class but she issss a little too social and I can't get her to stop talking."

All I can say is, I did my best to raise a good person to give to the world. My goal wasn't to raise the next president, athlete, etc. I wanted my daughter to embrace life, to be confident, and to understand that she is here to give to others when she can.

You are wonderful kiddo. I continue to pray for your safety and that your heart will continue to be open to receive love and wisdom.