Before I even begin, I'm not going to edit but just write. So has my fingers try to catch up with my brain, work with me.
For the past 6 months, I can honestly say that I've some anxieties about well....me. Today it hit me, again, that the Valley is still in me. TRUST is my new battle I have to overcome and resolve.
I think it finally sunk in this weekend with talking with CWUW members about trusting them. On the surface, I thought I was doing a good job with giving up ownership to others and really trying to give them a piece of "my baby". I really thought about it. I don't trust anyone to be in my corner 100% except my daughter. REAL TALK. I don't expect anyone to have my back. I still have a fear that if something happens to me the ONLY person I can call is the Kid and maybe my dad....maybe.
This is so real that tears are falling as I type this but I have to say it so I can see it and feel it.
When I lost my job and then my mother died, I went into survival mode and I haven't come out of it. This is why and race and race and keep going because if I don't, who will? I'm looking into myself and I'm really seeing that Trust is a major issue for me. Its especially major because I really love working with and for God's people. I love the community. I love service. As much as a musician loves to play and write or an artist loves to paint and draw, I love working in the community. So this is troublesome but I think God wants me to face this finally. I'm WEARING this trouble in my weight that I almost refuse to lose. I'm probably scared of having any real relationship. All I know is, my daughter was there. I was there and we moved forward. What we went through was so deep for us that I know she deals with the very same issue. We felt abandoned. So we turned inward and to each other to make it through.
I tell people all the time that I'm strong but not so strong. I still WANT to be vulnerable with one person. I still want to be able to set in front of one person and cry, scream, and just be. Who can I really trust? It is so scary to feel this way. Its not a feeling of loneliness though which is odd. I feel like my journey is my TASK and I just need to take the hit for the team. I need to take the weight of the world and let others reap the benefit. I sound like some wanna be martyr. :/ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....I hate that but its real.
I do feel blessed for those in my world who are encouraging. I KNOWWWWW I'm loved. lol
I know it...right? hmmmmmm
Since I'm writing this, I must face it. Its been revealed....again. I know my body has something to do with this TRUST issue. I know that I haven't really done the things I need to to change it because its not for knowing what to do.
There is skin hunger. There is the need for a hug that's not connected to sex...another place were Trust is battling me. Can I trust that a man can see me for more than sex? Its been along time since one has. I'm not the only female going through this. I try to watch what energy/vibes I put out. Doesn't work. Something needs to change with in me I think.
I'm sitting here. I can hear the crickets. My apt is very quiet.
Let me think. Let me think. Let me feel.
Let me be.
I will be fine.
I will Trust!