Thursday, March 26, 2009

Tired Soul

Today -

I told my boss that the way they run the org makes me want to SCREAM!! I vented. I can't take the nonsense anymore but my battle has been - "Rhonda, just be grateful you have a job and shut it!" But do I need to lose my integrity, get stepped on because there is a recession? God never said to be foolish.

I keep being told, "You're there for a reason." WHATEVER!! Sometimes folks can be TOO spiritual (if that's possible). I'm miserable and I shouldn't be. Its a mission that I support. I still enjoying working in HIV/STD prevention but damn. I don't enjoy this. I'm almost jealous of their building even. I keep thinking....CWUW could REALLY use this space wisely. I know I shouldn't covet anything but the building is SWEET. Nonetheless, I have to now grind for a new gig. I'll find something. Just need to do it soon, before the kid graduates.

I'm not really tired as in weary but I'm physically tired most days. The thought of going to a gym makes me cry. My brain is always working. I have so many emails to respond to daily. My butt is just sitting and yet I feel like I'm movin' alot. So I've been seeking strength God. My closest sisterfriends have been encouraging to finish this race without fail. I will. Its always about the plan of God and not Rhonda's agenda. One day this week, I will admit, that I told God I need help. I need help to remind Syd of all she needs to do with college, I need help with reminding of this bill, that bill, who I need to call about what, the landlord, etc. I can't even say it was a conversation with God but I did just sit and cried a bit. I needed a HUGGGGGGGGGG. I needed a momma type of hug. I kiss on the fo head type of lovin'. I was tired. (sigh) I've said it so many times before that being strong is a lonely road because people assume your shoulders never fail. Its weird. I'm thinking about my "brotha" telling me to be more emotional.....I'd get more attention. UGH. Its not in me. I can't be the damsel in distress. As a matter of fact, I noticed 3 men, "internet friends" called me Ms. Bayless. I laugh at that. Just an interesting pattern.

Anyway......if you're reading this, pray for a sista. There's a lot in front of me to deal with. I'm sure that will handle it all just fine because God is with me, loves me, and won't let me fail but a little prayer never hurts.

Romans 8:28

(ain't editing it.....whatever is misspelled so be it...wrong words, syntax, verb tense....whatever)

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