Tuesday, March 29, 2011

20lbs plus

At the beginning of fall, I was pumped and ready to take control, fully, of my body. For many years, I've battled having a eating disorder that had me so in its control that sometimes even looking in the mirror was a horrific experience.  I still have a phobia of having my picture taking. [may the truth set me free...].  During the summer, I had started a routine of working out that had me prepped for P90x.  My mind was ready.  I started my routine and went 13 days and BAM.....repeated sicknesses, mainly respiratory issues.  I couldn't breathe well from my right lung, I felt tired and worn out.


Sick.

Why was my immune system so compromised?  STRESS.  I was allowing LIFE to take over me, to control me.  I behaved as if I had to just obey whatever situation that popped up, I had to obey whatever work that was thrown my way.  I was killing myself. So, I was sick off and on for 3 months.  During these months, I gained 20lbs.  I was on my way to losing 30lbs extra prior to being sick.  Let's do the math.  30+20=50lbs.

So what does this do to a person with an eating disorder?  How do I make this right in my mind? How do I find the balance that I'm trying to teach others?

Rhonda vs Bulimia

The first thing I have to make peace with is that I'm still FLY.  I'm still smart, funny, quirky, loving, etc. The scale doesn't change anything. Then I have to not blame myself.  I've been sick. I've had trouble working out successful.  Finally, I have to realize that I'm in control and I can successful lose 50lbs in a healthy way.  There are no deadlines.  I'm only losing weight to be healthy - not for vanity, CWUW, or anything or anyone else.

50lbs. 

There are no scales in my home anymore. I used to weigh myself daily...yes, daily.  I will lose weight and shape my body into the image that I want.  [loving the selfishness of this blog]  Freedom starts in releasing our minds from self-imposed prisons.  Freedom is now.  Remember, I said this is the Year of Me and I still mean it.  God is doing a great work in me with this issue but its time to stop the on-going battle and just win the damn war.

Its time.

[No editing....leaving the typos and the mess ups - Therapy]

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