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Happiness

My new gig is cool. I've made my return to HIV/AIDS education and prevention and gender equality. I'm happy.

I'm happy period.

There are so many things that I want to "fix" but I can't. What am I to do?

Nothing. The kid getting her to college is in the prime spot for my focus these days along with all things CWUW. We talk alot about arriving at this stage in her life and her future. I admire my kid because she has come through situations some adults wouldn't be able to handle. I can smile when I look at her. She makes me happy.

Most of my happiness is internal. Its not about things necessarily. I get very excited when I see God's plan manifest. I find incredible joy when I know that God's hand is at work. Its comforting. I've learned that people disappoint and are limited. I don't mean that in a negative way actually but its just how it is. God is limitless. I'm truly embracing HIS plan. There have been disappointments here and there, mostly in people but I'm learning to see past it. I'm learning to forgive again but I still have an arrogance about folks mistreating me. I believe anyone who messes with me needs to pray for mercy. LOL...I'm very serious. I have NO idea where it comes from but I do feel like that. I don't know if that is wrong or right. It just is.

I think my singlehood is troublesome to folks. I'm good. I feel like I need another break from the "scene" and not that I was really out there. If I get asked one more time, "Why are you single?" I'm gonna scream. I told a guy just a couple of days ago that singlehood has its benefits. He had to stop and think about it and said, "Yeah, that's true too." He quickly told me though that something must be wrong with men in Indy if I'm single. :/ WHATEVER! lol I'm ok. I'm good. My happiness can't be wrapped up in having a relationship. My validation isn't about being a part of a couple. I do believe its GREAT to be a part of team. I love that feeling of two focused folks working it out but I think women are put into a difficult position into believe that if you're single, something is wrong with you. (shrug). I'm happy and that will make getting with me easier for "the dude" whomever that will be because he wouldn't have to make me happy. Yanno.

CWUW, HIV stuff, community stuff - makes me happy. I'm a geek. I went to an STD update and was hyped on the info. I have a book on drugs, behavior and modern society and i'm hyped. I live to be the best servant leader I can be. I feel so blessed to have identified my purpose. Its the oddest thing to have a number of people waiting for CWUW to "blow up". Folks are ready to work for CWUW and get things done. Its pressure but I feel the same. CWUW has made me look at Rhonda. I've had to address my eating disorder and monitor it daily. I've had to accept that I've damaged my body but that I can be healed. I've had to accept ME at 40 and stop longing for ME at 19. She's grown up. I'm happy that I'm healed to the point where I can share my story with other women without embarrassment. God reminds me all the time that I'm blessed and beautiful. To have people think I'm 29 or 30 is too funny but a blessing.

I've made some mistakes and will make some more but I know that every good thing comes from above. God will provide all. I just want to manifest that LOVE daily.

and continue to be happy.



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