Skip to main content

I'm not ready for my close up

Its official.

My eating disorder is still smacking me in the face. Anytime I see someone with a camera, I'm terrified. I don't want them to take my pic and if they do, I don't want to see it.

I'm TERRIFIED. Today, I had my pic taken by a photographer and all I could think about was, "Wow this is horrible timing." I've gained this 20lbs and feel HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. My stomach started to hurt. I was shaking with a smile. :/

I know. No confidence right? Well, whatever. I'm being real and honest. My stomach was twisted every time he showed me a pic. I kept thinking, "I look awful." I smiled and said, ok...yeah, those are GREAT!

Yes, I'm in the middle of getting back on track with my weight and diet. My back is still an issue but I'm working through it and I know by this summer, I'll be finally at a healthy weight. I KNOW this.

This camera phobia is horrible. Bulimia is horrible.

I know there was a lesson in this. I know God was trying to help me in my healing.

I really think I'm going to resume therapy for my disorder. I really FREAKED out and I'm sure the photographer was clueless. I smiled but man.....I didn't feel attractive AT ALL.

:(

Comments

blanche said…
Now I know why I am drawn to you... I just told some of my family and some of my friends that I am a cutter...and actually let them see the scars when they were fresh...

That was the first time I've ever let anyone see my scars....but I still covered them up because the reminder is worse than the actual act of doing it...

I wrote a poem about it right after it and performed it at Midtown and got so much love...but I was terrified to tell my story but at the same time I felt stronger.

Continue to tell your story....

Much love,
Queen B
Cleva said…
Beautiful Queen!

Believe me, I do understand that first time you tell someone. I know there are other sistas afraid to let someone know they are cutting or maybe has an eating disorder. This is why I blog so openly.

This is me and I'm imperfect but I'm loved. That's what matters.

Keep sharing and seek healing.

Popular posts from this blog

Confessions of a Recovering Misogynist" by Kevin Powell

In the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to have very brief conversations with Kevin Powell. Its very interesting to speak with someone with similar passions for community service. As someone who has been very transparent on her blog, I find this essay by Kevin refreshing. I just happen to see this on Facebook as someone posted it many months ago.
Thanks KP.


I AM A SEXIST MALE.

I take no great pride in saying this, I am merely stating a fact. It is not that I was born this way-rather, I was born into this male-dominated society, and consequently, from the very moment I began forming thoughts, they formed in a decidedly male-centered way. My "education" at home with my mother, at school, on my neighborhood playgrounds, and at church, all placed males in the middle of the universe. My digestion of the 1970s American popular culture in the form of television, film, ads, and music only added to my training, so that by as early as age nine or ten I saw females, includ…

sexob

I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.


again.


If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.


I'm free to be.

The Ankh

Ankh : The Original Cross



The Ankh is defined as: The symbolic representation of both Physical and Eternal life. It is known as the original cross, which is a powerful symbol that was first created by Africans in Ancient Egypt.


The Ankh is commonly known to mean life in the language of Ancient Kemet (land of the Blacks) renamed Egypt by the Greeks. It is also a symbol for the power to give and sustain life, the Ankh is typically associated with material things such as water(which was believed by Egyptians to regenerate life), air, sun, as well as with the Gods, who are frequently pictured carrying an Ankh. The Egyptian king is often associated with the Ankh also, either in possession of an Ankh (providing life to his people) or being given an Ankh (or stream of Ankhs) by the Gods. This can be seen in the picture of King Senworsert below who is holding two Ankhs to his chest. There are numerous examples that have been found that were made from metal, clay and wood. It is usually worn as …