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I'm not ready for my close up

Its official.

My eating disorder is still smacking me in the face. Anytime I see someone with a camera, I'm terrified. I don't want them to take my pic and if they do, I don't want to see it.

I'm TERRIFIED. Today, I had my pic taken by a photographer and all I could think about was, "Wow this is horrible timing." I've gained this 20lbs and feel HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. My stomach started to hurt. I was shaking with a smile. :/

I know. No confidence right? Well, whatever. I'm being real and honest. My stomach was twisted every time he showed me a pic. I kept thinking, "I look awful." I smiled and said, ok...yeah, those are GREAT!

Yes, I'm in the middle of getting back on track with my weight and diet. My back is still an issue but I'm working through it and I know by this summer, I'll be finally at a healthy weight. I KNOW this.

This camera phobia is horrible. Bulimia is horrible.

I know there was a lesson in this. I know God was trying to help me in my healing.

I really think I'm going to resume therapy for my disorder. I really FREAKED out and I'm sure the photographer was clueless. I smiled but man.....I didn't feel attractive AT ALL.



blanche said…
Now I know why I am drawn to you... I just told some of my family and some of my friends that I am a cutter...and actually let them see the scars when they were fresh...

That was the first time I've ever let anyone see my scars....but I still covered them up because the reminder is worse than the actual act of doing it...

I wrote a poem about it right after it and performed it at Midtown and got so much love...but I was terrified to tell my story but at the same time I felt stronger.

Continue to tell your story....

Much love,
Queen B
Cleva said…
Beautiful Queen!

Believe me, I do understand that first time you tell someone. I know there are other sistas afraid to let someone know they are cutting or maybe has an eating disorder. This is why I blog so openly.

This is me and I'm imperfect but I'm loved. That's what matters.

Keep sharing and seek healing.

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