The running joke with two of my co-workers is how "cute" they are. They talk about being in the "cute club" and how the world just knows they are cute and they just live accordingly. I always just laugh, knowing they are very serious about their cuteness. They told me that I couldn't be a part of the their club because I'm not cute. They told me not to be sad. I just needed to find the "sexy" club. They then told me how they were not sexy and how they are ok with it. I was told I needed to own my "sexiness" as they have own their cuteness.
Sounds really goofy to even say. I'm sexy. [shutters]
There is no exaggeration in that story. This is my life with my co-workers and I love them for their "cute club". I was a little jealous of their freedom. They aren't conceited people but they are confident in their cuteness whereas this sexy label seemed more like a haunting from some ghost that wants to me learn some lesson. I've connected the label with negativity, with unwanted attention, unwanted gestures. I believe this is a part of me wearing my extra weight like a winter's coat, refusing to take it off. I can't be sexy with an extra few pounds, right? But then, I see me still getting the attention. I still get told about my sex appeal. So what is my issue with this label really? hmmmm.....what is "this crazy" about?
I've been trying to uphold some false image that's void of sex appeal. I need to be this community person with "an image". What that image is- who knows but its time to get rid of that ill way of thinking.
This is an odd blog to write.
My sexuality is a part of me. I'm a sexual person. That doesn't mean I'm promiscuous but sex hasn't held me in some bondage or box until I tried to control how I look, feel, speak, and move. I TRIED not to be sexy. :/
THIS is the issue that's kept the layers on me. Not bulimia. I was trying to be unattractive - unsexy so I can do the work and be seen for the work. Letting go of feeling guilty when someone's eyes falls upon me and they are drawn to me. I'm loving me. The curvy me is fly. Look at me and I won't turn away....anymore.
Another layer....My healing is unfolding so completely this year. This is another thing.....baggage removed.
sexy is as sexy does.