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Setting me Free

You know the saying if you love someone let them go....blah, blah, blah. I wonder if that applies to self. After my moms death, I've become controlling...ok, ok...more controlling and its a fight to let go. Its a fight to let go of that Rhonda that was in survival mode just a couple of years ago. I'm still there. I'm still fighting something (shrug).

Do I really want to let that person go?

That would mean I would have to trust folks again. I find it easier NOT to trust folks and just do what I need to do. THERAPY NEEDED but whatever. With some recent CWUW activities, I've realized that its hard for me NOW to put anything I love dearly in the hands of someone else to care for. It drives me insane and people who have to learn this new Rhonda, really would rather not receive an email from me. Gigglin'

I didn't use to be like this but this new Rhonda.....lawd. I like her but she is a trip.

I've redefined family. I've redefined friendships. If you're in, you're in. If you're out...cya later dude, peace and have a happy life. I can't live in the gray with people who want to be in my world and yet do nothing really suck the energy out of me. I can turn on you quickly...but in a nice way of course. :) I'll just disappear. FAMILY needs to be that, FAMILY. FRIENDS need to be true FRIENDS Rhonda's world to function.

And yet,

Do I really want to let this person go? Are there good qualities in being this way? Survival Mode. I really don't know. I don't need all of the same skills anymore and I love "her" for being able to step up in every situation and DEAL. She is Fiyah really but she is tiring me out. Looking for the off switch. Ironically, she will be the one to figure this out, the survivor. That part of me will force me to move onto the next thing with no problem or issue. She will remind me of Romans 8:28. She'll remind me of Genesis 15:1. She tell me that the God in me needs to BE. Move Rhonda aside and chill for a minute. See...she's cool...just a little nutty. Recently, I was having a convo with someone and they called me dramatic and I actually laughed because yeah, I WAS being a DRAMA QUEEN but there are times when Angela Basset needs to bring out Tina....bring the drama.....it was me trying to survive in that situation. Can't apologize for that. Rhonda MATTERS. I'm real. I'm human. I feel. If I have to bring the pain so you know this, call me Meryl.

(gigglin')



So....do I let her go....I love her. Maybe she just needs a leash. Maybe I can tuck her away for another day, another Valley, another stressful time when I need to put on my cape and do my thing.


hmmmm.....(shrug)

aight....goin' to shake my groove thang (yeah...i'm sooooooo 40, LOL)

http://clevawords.blogspot.com

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