Saturday, September 3, 2011

confused.

I have to really think about how I've allowed myself to be used so badly by someone for YEARS.  I know I was being used...NOW. I didn't before.  I thought I was cool with this person who really didn't celebrate our friendship but kept it in a box and secretive because of their own messes.  I allowed it.  I loved this person wholeheartedly.  I thought we'd have a great, long lasting friendship.  I pleaded with this person to stop treating our friendship as some hidden thing. We shouldn't have been that. We were just really cool.  There was some attraction but I really LONGED for the cool friendship.   Never happened.  I stayed in a box and now I know, I was never really the friend but just a....hell, I don't know.  The love I was feeling now....turning into resentment and hatred really.  I've really been treated unfairly in some way and I played myself out badly.  I allowed it.  I'm sad about it. 

Now, I have to deal with my negative energy.  There are moments when I want some sort of revenge.  I don't want happiness to find her way unto their life.   I think they are getting away with alot, they get to renew love at my expense.   I will do nothing and say nothing.  Today, these are my feelings and I recognize that I could feel differently tomorrow.  I cherished this person.  They discarded me to save themselves.   I pray that hatred doesn't find its way into my heart.  I'm so sad though.  I've been struggling for years with trust and here I go ago.  I have to look into the mirror and figure it out.

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