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My Journey- Bulimia: Fighting the Purge




Its that great time of the month and I'm eating like I'm expecting twins. I just over ate. To be honest, I don't know if I've really over eaten or if there's just a point when I want to purge.

I'm there.

This reminds of a co-worker who told me that he couldn't be around razors because it made him want to use. I want to just get rid of the food but its like my body wants to do it more that me. Note: I'm in a good mood. Life couldn't be better. This isn't about where I'm at emotionally but about triggers. I'm learning to deal with them.

This is what my mind is saying to me: Just get rid of the food and you'll feel better, you won't feel full and you won't digest what you just ate thus you won't gain weight.

My mind is tripping. All of that is going on and yet, I'm sane. I refuse to purge and I will quietly meditate through this feeling.

I'm walking through my healing which is a great feeling. Being ashamed or embarrassed hasn't even entered my mind in being public about my illness. We all have our issues, our demons, and our stuff. (shrug) Say hello to mine. What's poppin' Bulimia? Ha

The urge to purge is still here but I turn away from it. My body is damaged enough from the disease. I think my metabolism would lose out to a snail no matter how much I exercise. Once again, my acid reflux is painful. And, yet, I'm GOOD! I'm smacking bulimia in the face and yeah, it tries to come back fighting but it can not win. Rhonda is focused on healing. I've worked very hard not to pass on this to my child and I will not go into the 'next phase' of my life dealing with this demon.

I'm gonna watch the sun slowly go down outside.

Today, I win.

Let It Bleed - J*Davey

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I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.


again.


If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend.  I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.


I'm free to be.