I know there is so many that can't stand Kimora Lee Simmons. I'm not one of them. I can see past the made for TV Diva Bs and I can see the business woman and leader. I had a conversation with a friend who use to be my assistant some years ago and who has come on board to help with CWUW. Last night, she smacked me around and asked where is my Kimora?
What she was saying was that I would lay out the plan and the vision, provide some direction and then say, "Make it happen". I wouldn't worry about it happening but just had EVERY expectation that it will be done, in a timely manner, within the budget given, and completed professionally. Now, I'm so hands on in EVERYTHING. I actually told her that I'm concerned about Syd's open house. She looked at me like....wha? We're talking something that doesn't occur until May of 2009 and I'm already trying to plan it. She reminded me that I have way too many people who will step up to handle it. Why worry NOW?
Cuz I'm crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......
The Valley years had its effects on me, obviously. During that time, I never stopped moving, thinking and planning. I had to plan how I was going to keep the lights on, get food, get a new gig, etc. My brain never stopped working and I can't make it stop working now either. Resting is a big issue for me. I can't do it still. Even in Chicago, I thought about what I had to do when I got home. In prayer and even in meditation, it takes awhile for my mind to rest and I really don't think it calms down completely. Racing. This is deep and serious actually. I have to learn to reduce stress because my body responds. My back and shoulder began to hurt yesterday. My body is telling me NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. :) (had to do it)
I have to STILL address my control issues that seemingly have worsen because of the Valley years (although I have good days too). This is a major factor. Its about trust and control. I'm learning that I'm not very trusting that folks will keep their word, be who they say they are, and not cause me harm. Because I had FAMILY, treat me and Syd negatively during the Valley years, I'm always looking at people and checking them against what they say and do. So I'm proabably afraid to let go some aspects of my life, CWUW, etc because of fear of harm. If I have it in my control, no one can harm it. Oh brother......I'm nutty some days...lol. Its real though.
On the flip side of things, I think that some have an image of me of being STRONG so there are times when I try to vent (which helps to relax anyone), when I try to ask for help or a shoulder to lean on, man, is still hard to find that shoulder who can take me not strong. I have two friends that allow for the breakdown. So its a catch 22....I need to let go and I may need help letting go and sometimes, I need an outlet to let go. People are too quick to tell me they know I'll work it out. I don't always have the answer. So this is the cycle....
I know, right?
Back to gettin' my Kimora on. I'll reach my goals. My vision for both CWUW and Urban Health Management (for profit) will happen. Its always the process with me not the outcome. I had to be reminded in the same way I've always viewed motherhood has Stewardship, CWUW and UHM are the same thing. I have stewardship over this vision. Its God's plan for these things to occur and he is allowing me to make it happen but with me or without me, where will be a CWUW and UHM. Its His plan. So, "gettin' my Kimora back" simply means letting go and allowing the outcome to occur without worrying about the process and having a high expectation it will get done at the level I want.
I actually watch Kimora's show simply to watch this aspect of how she handles business. She expects things to get done and doesn't worry about it. (I know that chyle can be annoying BUT there's something there to learn). At the end of the day, I'm proud of myself. Its not all sour grapes but I need to let go and still keep grindin'. I need to learn to relax. I've gotten my workout routine happening...FINALLY (before I explode....my psychosis talkin'). I have new energy in my world with some new friendships that are very positive. No love connection yet....oh well...cuz that will happen in time (weird how I can let that go huh....therapy. I need it...lol). "The Dude" is gonna be one lucky MF....God bless'em. God is getting him ready. Needs to be a strong man for a focused woman to make the team happen. No lames. Focused Dude who can make it happen for himself first is SEXY. Not interested in being a part of a power couple but a couple with a mission.
"Ambition makes me so horny" - VERY true in my case......
So today.....I'm spending time with my kid. I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE her. She makes me wanna have more kids (yeah, I said it).
I'm going to RELAX today. I promise.
I'm gonna get my Kimora back too....head chick in charge. Ya heard.....