Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Finding the Balance within Me

1980 something. 20ish. And thin.

Fast forward to 2008
40. Plump, Chubby.....ugh

I've blogged about being bulimic many times. I've blogged about my body image issues a few times. I've received many notes saying, "Girl, you look good!" or "Damn, I like the way you look!" Yeah, Yeah, Yeah....I'm cute. LOL (I'm really laughin') This is still the battle of all battles. This is my mental disorder. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I battle with my body daily. My daughter has to hide the scale. Metabolism has been so damaged by the bulimia that I swear it moves in reverse. I'm trying to find the balance with in.

Men really don't get it. They think because they offer up some compliments that I will be moved to change my mind. I don't care what YOU think. Sorry but I don't. I need to move to a health place where I can look at my body and be ok with whatever the mirror reveals.
And I'm getting there. I'm a size 16. My illness tells me that its WRONG for me to be that size. I need to be a 12. Notice I said, "NEED". That's the illness.
I learning to embrace this size only in that I'm not overtaken by it. I want to conquer it.
Now, can I lose the weight? Yeah, I can. I lost 40lbs just a couple of years ago but I didn't have time to concentrate on my weight. Life was kicking me in the ass. I have too much time to look at myself and notice my waistline.

I'm seeking the balance. I pray about it. I seek healing. I pray about it.
I don't want to be that young girl in 1987. I just want to be the best woman I can be in 2008.


dtbz said...

So are you wearing a Miss American sash in the pic?

Cleva said...

LOL...Homecoming Queen. I lost.