Sunday, June 15, 2008

8:04pm

Its Sunday evening. 8:04pm to be exact. Its raining, again. I've been very contemplative today. Not because its father's day. Me and my dad have a very weird relationship. Its more like he's a family friend some days but I've just come to learn to accept our relationship. It is what it is.

Today, I thought about the future a lot. My daughter, me, the dog, moving, job search, money, singlehood, therapy, the journey, blah, blah, blah. The weird thing is that feel like I'm 30 and that I have time to make it all happen. In a decade, I'll be 50 with the possibilities of being a grandmother by then. YIKES. There's the other possibility of motherhood again. YIKES.

What's next for Rhonda? I have NO idea. Nothing in my world is how I planned. NOTHING. Nothing is the way I thought it would be for my life at 40. I was sure I'd be married with about 3 kids. I was sure that I would be successful broadcaster. My life has been all over the place like a continuous roller coaster. Since I was 23, there has been the Kid. My love. She wished me a happy father's day today and gave me a gift. You just gotta love that. I am loved. I feel very loved by my kid and its a precious gift. I'm loved by God. I feel it and know it. I am loved.

And I'm still learning to LOVE the hell out of Rhonda. I'm a little neurotic. I'm a text book introvert. My sexuality is a blessing and a curse. I'm nice and yet a bitch. I still don't understand how people view me. Its always so off the mark to me. Most days, I miss Mom. I miss my niece and nephew and hope they will survive in Iowa. I'm still trying to forgive my brother. I tend to always look at myself when things go badly in a friendship/relationship. Even though I've become use to people leaving my life, I'm still VERY sadden by any ending. Too heady. Stop me now!!

There's some thing around the corner for me. I know. I'm waiting for it. I've learned to accept change. I'm so use to it. So let the Rain come down. Let life take me to the next level.

its now 8:22pm

2 comments:

Jim said...

"Text book introvert"...yeah, me too! ;)

Jim said...

Text book introvert...yeah, me too! I enjoyed the "IA" meeting on Saturday. ;)