Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Letting Go......

This is for my sisters.

He left you. He left you with the kids, the bills, and the mess. It hurts but there's a responsibility to our children that we must keep. My sisters don't take the time to heal and we sometimes see this manifest in our bitterness and attitudes towards men and each other. It may manifest in our health (emotional eating, stress, etc.). We need to take the time to heal. Start dealing with the hurt feelings, pray, fast, seek therapy, connect with other sisters or however healing needs to take place in your life but let it begin. Out of sight isn't out of mind. Just because he's gone doesn't mean that time will heal all wounds because it doesn't. You still have your children who may remind you of that relationship. I've seen women take out their pain on a specific child because that child reminded them of the man that left. Its unfair.

I'm here to tell you that you can move forward without being bitter. We need to take responsibility for recovering from the hurt and pain. For myself, it was having supportive family and friends who allowed me to feel and understand the pain and comforted me with helpful words. It wasn't any of that "all men are dogs" stuff or that "Girl, you don't need a man" crap. My mother was the most important person in my healing process. My daughter's father was MIA during from pregnancy until my daughter was 13. I'm talking NO contact. I didn't even know where he was. He paid child support but I never went to court to increase the payments. It couldn't make him be a father. To me, that wasn't my role. I never spoken negatively of him to my daughter. I told her that one day she will have an opportunity to find him and connect with him on whatever level she wanted. There was no man bashing or daddy doggin' in the house. It was about me raising the best child I could raise. I was still a mother even though this man that I loved left me in such a hurtful way. We still have to MOTHER our children but we can't do this without us looking in the mirror and addressing our pain.

Moving on
I don't believe in dragging baggage from one relationship to the next. Remove that man from your spirit before you seek out a new relationship. Take 6 months-12 months to just chill out. Rediscover yourself. Become comfortable in your singlehood. Personally, I can go to the movies alone. I can chill by myself and it not be an issue. I've learned that my singlehood has nothing to do with my womanhood. When I'm in a relationship, I'm very much a part of the coupling. I'm supportive and loving. In my single, I'm supportive and loving to myself.

I love my sisters. I truly want us to seek out healing. I want us to be able to raise our children with no bitterness and anger.

Heal thyself.


Confessions of a French Cowgirl said...

"Doctor, heal thyself..." amen, words to live by.

People spend way too much time trying to change others, when the only ones we can change are ourselves. That is where our REAL power lies!

SugaBuga said...

Oh wow have a been through this. You want things to be right so badly because of kids because of whatever or x, y, and z that even lies can be convinced be truth. Its maddening, frustrating and sad. But when its all over its refreshing. being newly single after 10 years was refreshing if not stressful sometimes. I've Had to add more base to my voice since I was on my own with the boys. being unemployed and working off and on and still managing to keep food on the table and the lights, gas and phone on all the while trying to finish school was hard. I refused to play the professional victim so I kept a lot to myself. It was only when I was able to stop and breathe that I would sit and cry-but only for 5 minutes! lol Im much better now. I've learned to let trivial things roll right off my back and stopped to appreciate the good things that God has always blessed me with.

katherine said...

i wish you could see through my's a mirror...i feel myself in such depression at times that i don't know which way to turn...i do the same thing as Sugabuga, i cry for 5 min and then tell myself BE A SOLIDIER! I took a step back from all my pain and said "God i need some help". I stopped feeling soory for myself and looked at your page and what i read really truly hit home. Being humble, i let my ex control ever aspect of my life, i let a good man slip away because my ex kept telling my kids that " mommie left the family and she left you girls. NO! I left you not my kids but he thought that if he made me feel guilty enough about the children i would come back home. NO! I took a deep breath and said i will no longer let him control my feelings or my life and who i choose to be with but i lost either way. But i thank god that i found the strength to walk away and be my own person. He has is own demons and i am not his blanket. I shall not cover his ass anymore. He does not like the fact that i do not need him for anything. When i was living with you as your wife i couldn't get a dime from you, but now that i'm doing it on my own you want to give me the world. Keep your shit, i don't need it. God as help me thus far and i will never look back, watch me as i walk out his life for good...