Wednesday, June 18, 2008
This is for my sisters.
He left you. He left you with the kids, the bills, and the mess. It hurts but there's a responsibility to our children that we must keep. My sisters don't take the time to heal and we sometimes see this manifest in our bitterness and attitudes towards men and each other. It may manifest in our health (emotional eating, stress, etc.). We need to take the time to heal. Start dealing with the hurt feelings, pray, fast, seek therapy, connect with other sisters or however healing needs to take place in your life but let it begin. Out of sight isn't out of mind. Just because he's gone doesn't mean that time will heal all wounds because it doesn't. You still have your children who may remind you of that relationship. I've seen women take out their pain on a specific child because that child reminded them of the man that left. Its unfair.
I'm here to tell you that you can move forward without being bitter. We need to take responsibility for recovering from the hurt and pain. For myself, it was having supportive family and friends who allowed me to feel and understand the pain and comforted me with helpful words. It wasn't any of that "all men are dogs" stuff or that "Girl, you don't need a man" crap. My mother was the most important person in my healing process. My daughter's father was MIA during from pregnancy until my daughter was 13. I'm talking NO contact. I didn't even know where he was. He paid child support but I never went to court to increase the payments. It couldn't make him be a father. To me, that wasn't my role. I never spoken negatively of him to my daughter. I told her that one day she will have an opportunity to find him and connect with him on whatever level she wanted. There was no man bashing or daddy doggin' in the house. It was about me raising the best child I could raise. I was still a mother even though this man that I loved left me in such a hurtful way. We still have to MOTHER our children but we can't do this without us looking in the mirror and addressing our pain.
I don't believe in dragging baggage from one relationship to the next. Remove that man from your spirit before you seek out a new relationship. Take 6 months-12 months to just chill out. Rediscover yourself. Become comfortable in your singlehood. Personally, I can go to the movies alone. I can chill by myself and it not be an issue. I've learned that my singlehood has nothing to do with my womanhood. When I'm in a relationship, I'm very much a part of the coupling. I'm supportive and loving. In my single, I'm supportive and loving to myself.
I love my sisters. I truly want us to seek out healing. I want us to be able to raise our children with no bitterness and anger.