Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Being Rhonda

(Trying to get in the mood to work.....) Today I was talking with someone about being yourself. I think that was easier for folks from my generation (generation x'ers) because it was all about being different. Prince, Boy George, Madonna, etc all trying to establish their own thing. Nowadays, its about looking JUST like the next. But anyway. As a kid, I remember just wanting to be ME. I literally shopped in my parents closet, painted my 4 inch fingernails black, shaved my head or weaved it up....whatever I wanted. I struggled with people who thought I was shy as a teen. I wasn't shy. I was actually goofy but just not around family as much. Family has a way of putting you into a box and its just easier to be there at times. I was developing a self-confidence that sometimes you couldn't easily see. Nonetheless, I was Rhonda. I just did me whatever that meant for the moment. Then I met my ex boyfriend. He was going through some stuff so that meant the world had to go through it with him. He didn't like my hair when I met him. He didn't like my clothes. He was a conservative dresser and I wasn't. I had a dream to start my own organization a long time ago. The interesting thing about the ex is that he was cool with the idea of me doing that but it had to be secondary to his dreams and visions. I lost me in him. I changed my hair and my clothes. I stopped listening to music for the most part mainly because our lives were full of chaos. I had a little kid and a big kid.

He was always full of ideas. I did like that about him. He did teach me many things about business. I think he appreciated my drive and my approach to any project. When it came to business, we were partners. He started a mortgage company, we had a candle store, he owned a sandwich shoppe. I developled logos, filed documents with the state, learned how to make candles, etc. etc. Notice I didn't mention anything about my org, right? I'm a supportive chick. I'm in your corner. I'm will making phone calls, flyers, file reports or whatever. I'm there 100% but I had a dream and vision. Anytime I would think about what I wanted, he would tell me, "oh that's great" but when I tried to actually get started, well....
I lost me completely. I became whatever he needed me to be for the moment. His focus was my focus. God has a way to make you wake up though. I slowly began to gather info for my org. I had meetings with folks but wouldn't tell the ex. Some people are dream killers and don't know it and he was. BELIEVE me, he would have a completely different version to this story. He would remember himself giving advice on starting my own org, and he did. He just would forget him also doggin' many of my ideas. My mother would look at me like I was nuts. LOL... she wondered what happened to her kid. Her kid is back in full effect. Lesson learned. I've been single for a while mainly because of Mom's death and the old job situation but I sometimes I wonder if I'm afraid that I'll have to give up being ME again. Maybe there's some fear? I'll always be the supportive type. Its in my DNA. I'm in your corner 100% BUT I don't have to lose me to do it. I also can't be afraid my partner will leave because I'm not fitting into his plan or that he can't deal with me having my own thing. I'm just not going to change me to fit. The square peg maybe just doesn't go in the circle, yanno. STEP! We can be friends or enemies but I'm not changing ME for anyone anymore. (This isn't about compromise. I'm for compromise and partnership but trying to make me be something I'm not.) I actually shake with the thought of returning to anything that resembles that relationship at times. We were always really good at being friends but AWFUL in a relationship. I like Rhonda. I like how I'm being restored spiritually and mentally. This blog was less about being ready for the next relationship but celebrating me for just who I am and not givng ME up for anyone. I'm fly, I'm funny, I'm focused. (giggle) I like being a little weird, neurotic, and I'm learning to like being a little RHONDA is awesome. Some see it and some don't and so what. I'm always just gonna be me. Now, time to edit this stupid ass grant.

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