Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Finding Lucidity

In the past few weeks, I've been under tremendous stress, some self imposed and some, well, God has a plan.   I tend to be the type who likes to get the solution and move past the problem very quickly. "Get to the solution!", I just reminded my daughter not but 20 minutes prior from me writing this.  This is where me and the Kid are different.  She will just be pissed off for a minute and get into her feelings and I try to move past the emotion and want to fix it.  I can't say that both are healthy but its just how we be.

use to smile.....

I don't mind writing and sharing that I'm going through a storm. Right now, life is kicking my ass.  I'm seeking solace in work which is clearly the wrong answer and I know this.  I teach others to learn to find balance and yet, I'm unable to use the same tools and resources.  Go Figure.  This is my wake up call (again).  I'm going to treat me better.  I'm sure I've blogged about this before and yes, I'm hard headed. Let this be a reminder. Rhonda, chill.

I've decided that I will return to therapy.  I need some time for me to dig deeper into my behavior. Work, work, fun.  I don't smile as much. I'm cynical.  Who wants to be around that person?

  I don't!  ;) 

I've even realized that me being slow to lose the added 20lbs is a part of this growing issue,insanity. In my twisted thoughts, that I'm sure is still seeped in the craziness of bulimia, I think that as long as I'm 20 plus lbs heavier, I don't have to deal with men.  I'm covering up.  Why?  (shrug) I can tell you, I know exactly how to completely live and be physically healthy.  The 20lbs isn't really the issue. I'm covering up and not really engaging men in my world in an intimate way. I am working out. I am eating better but I'm still very hesitant about what would come after the weight drops.

  Ah, revelation. Looking in the mirror.....and reflecting.  I wouldn't be an introvert if I didn't.

So I pray for peace.  I will continue to meditate on loving me more and giving time to myself to enjoy life.  I am great.  I have to remember it.

No comments: